Its holding me back and I'm getting really pissed off

[MM1988]

The thing is I have really everything in my life in order. Every time I was rejected I did what everyone says and focused on myself more. But now Im 30 and I wonder WHEN will it happen and will it even happen.. I have zero confidence with girls and I dont know how to acquire it if everybody rejected me up to this late point in life. I can tell myself Im a good catch all day but I wont believe it anyway.

I dont know how I would break out of this cycle other than a girl falling for me by pure luck, and thats never going to happen. And im tired of focusing on myself and putting off relationships for another decade. 

[Dan Arnautu]

42 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

The thing is I have really everything in my life in order. Every time I was rejected I did what everyone says and focused on myself more. But now Im 30 and I wonder WHEN will it happen and will it even happen.. I have zero confidence with girls and I dont know how to acquire it if everybody rejected me up to this late point in life. I can tell myself Im a good catch all day but I wont believe it anyway.

I dont know how I would break out of this cycle other than a girl falling for me by pure luck, and thats never going to happen. And im tired of focusing on myself and putting off relationships for another decade. 

Do an RSD bootcamp. One with Todd Valentine or Denton Fisher is also an option. 

If you don't have the money for that, buy The Sytem by Todd. 

[XYZ]

Problem seems to be that you are focusing on yourself as an ego identity, and view women or relationships as something to be acquired. A solution might be to transcend yourself, and let go of the ideas of being single or coupled, instead focusing on direct present experiences and authentic connection with people.

About as simple as I can explain it myself. I'm around the same age and never having sex or 'having a gf' is not something even thought about much anymore.

[F A B]

@XYZ

You don't help someone who wants to taste honey by saying "you don't need that".

[Robert]

On 11/29/2018 at 4:38 PM, XYZ said:

But some are completely and utterly alone, don't have any living family members, are socially autistic, or not attractive. If these are things I, OP or someone else can't actually have certain things in life, what good does it do feeling bad about it than transcending these to not see them as personal needs? I have become lots more social in recent months, but as far as intimate relationships, pretty much don't care anymore. Shed all ideologies like incel, volcel and MGTOW, have not even any concept of what a relationship is or should be. And I have much bigger problems to deal with, so unmet desire for women feels like a non-issue in life.

No, you're suppressing things and making excuses. It doesn't matter if you don't see them as needs, the fact is that they are needs. Either you can delude yourself and be blissfully ignorant of them until they come back to bite you in the ass one day, or you can look at how life actually works and take 100% responsibility and fix your problem ASAP. You care, trust me.

On 11/29/2018 at 4:38 PM, XYZ said:

Meanwhile, happiness is something you have nearly absolute control over, regardless of external circumstances. This is something I prove to myself, being faced with very uncomfortable, painful and stressful situations, but maintaining a positive emotional state. As I tried to explain, I don't think it is healthy to base your happiness on acceptance, approval or sense of connection with others. And when you are already happy with yourself ti is much easier to connect with other people from a place of giving not taking.

That's not how happiness works. Ever heard of babies being born addicted to crack? They had no control over that.

The situations you face are not uncomfortable, painful, stressful enough, I can tell. If they were, you wouldn't be saying what you are now.

Also, you can't come only from a place of giving. That's not wise at all. Acknowledge the fact that when you go into a relationship YOU WANT TO TAKE SOMETHING. Everyone does. Be honest. Face the truth. Fucking face it.

On 11/29/2018 at 4:38 PM, XYZ said:

I also noticed you used the world help 3 times. So as long as we're on the subject, how do you get other people to care about you enough to help you, and how do you ask for help without being needy and imposing? Because I have a really shitty life situation, as I mentioned in other threads, suffer from chronic sleep deprivation (and consequent suicidal thoughts) from a noisy home environment, not having a bedroom or any indoor heating. I only told a few close friends about this, and asked if they had any space for me to live with them. None did, although they would have if they could, and I would have offered the same if they were in my situation.

Something like that would feel like a big burden on others, revealing how screwed I am and asking for help, very counter to the positive happy vibes I want to maintain when socializing. Though I do hear about the types of friendships where people can be vulnerable and needy, and mutually supported, just as if they were trying to survive in the wild together. How does it get to that place though, to go from making new friends to trusting each other and genuinely caring and wanting to help, okay with each others' neediness?

 

I have a way worse situation than you based on what you wrote. But either way, EVERYONE IS NEEDY. Everyone has needs. The people who would put you down for being needy are hypocrites. The second they lose their family or friends or partner, they will become like the people they put down. Don't listen to the idiots who say enlightenment makes you non-needy. It doesn't. You will still need to eat, feel safe, even self-actualize, etc.

My advice might not work for you, but I would tell you to be completely honest at all times. This always pays off for me. I, personally, do not care about someone labeling me as needy. Right now I have a great friend and he doesn't seem to think I'm needy. Some people percieve me as needy, others don't. Just find people who you click with.

I'm sorry I can't give you advice on friendship right now, but here are 2 very good and accurate videos on friendship:

Look at the important points that were made.

On 11/30/2018 at 8:04 AM, universe said:

Just notice that you already are. To all people, everything there is.

This isn't helpful. All you're doing is repeating the same thing that has been said a million times and hasn't worked for like 99% of people. If he could "just notice," I'm pretty sure he would JUST do it. He's not stupid.

On 11/30/2018 at 8:12 AM, Shin said:

Even yogis and monk are connected between themselves, even masters actually.

Just saying that he already have all he needs won't help him at his stage of developement imo

Shin, needs have nothing to do with stage of development. Everyone alive at every stage has needs, and for all humans they are basically the same. OP clearly doesn't have everything he needs. Like I said above, enlightenment doesn't make you non-needy.

[Robert]

@Dan Arnautu Don't encourage him to waste money on PUA stuff. It won't help him. What he needs is authentic connection.

[Haumea2018]

If you have been fruitlessly working on it for a decade, it's not that you haven't been working hard enough.

It's that you've been working TOO HARD.

It should be easier.

You're making it TOO HARD.

You probably have way too many conditions placed on it (really, yourself) in the back of your mind, that it collapses of its own weight.

It shouldn't be that hard, and you shouldn't be that hard on yourself.

It should be FUN.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Haumea2018

[XYZ]

11 hours ago, F A B said:

@XYZ

You don't help someone who wants to taste honey by saying "you don't need that".

But it isn't a need, just a strong desire, and not even for a any specific thing, but a concept, a fantasy, an ideal situation you are imagining. 

You won't die if you don't receive female validation, fall in love, and make love. Treating it as a need only leads to suffering, whether or not you experience such things.

Honey is something that tangibly exists, and you can own a jar of honey. Relationships, meanwhile are shared experiences that require other's cooperation, and you can't "have" another person like you can have a jar of honey.

3 hours ago, Robert said:

No, you're suppressing things and making excuses. It doesn't matter if you don't see them as needs, the fact is that they are needs. Either you can delude yourself and be blissfully ignorant of them until they come back to bite you in the ass one day, or you can look at how life actually works and take 100% responsibility and fix your problem ASAP. You care, trust me.

You seem to be confusing suppression with transcendence. If something indeed feels like a need to you, and you pretend not to care about it, that is suppressing. To transcend a need is to master personal development to the point where something which once felt very necessary, and you desperately longed for it and suffered in it's absence, is recontextualized so that it's genuinely no longer a need, you are able to just let go of the desire, and thrive emotionally, having liberated yourself from the attachment to it. 

You could not do this with food, water, sleep, oxygen, etc. But sexual things, absolutely!

3 hours ago, Robert said:

That's not how happiness works. Ever heard of babies being born addicted to crack? They had no control over that.

The situations you face are not uncomfortable, painful, stressful enough, I can tell. If they were, you wouldn't be saying what you are now.

Also, you can't come only from a place of giving. That's not wise at all. Acknowledge the fact that when you go into a relationship YOU WANT TO TAKE SOMETHING. Everyone does. Be honest. Face the truth. Fucking face it.

We can learn to exercise significant control over our emotional states, and in uncomfortable, painful, stressful situation this ability is tested and refined. The periods of negative emotion become shorter and you become more resilient afterward. My point being, it's in the best interest of everyone to get out of states of bitterness, anger, depression and victimhood with regard to sex/relationships. In this way, the less you see people as means to alleviate your loneliness, more likely those kinds of things will naturally happen, not all that counter-intuitive. And if they don't, well hey, it's alright, because you don't base you happiness & self-worth upon gaining approval or sex.

One thing I do try to emphasize from my own experience is that my interactions with women are far more fulfilling after I stopped trying to get anything from them. The TAKE attitude is off-putting, self-centered, isolationist- the GIVE attitude is expansive, open, inviting. When not invested in whether people like you or not, you can be yourself, live in the moment, smile, laugh, cry, have deep conversations or make a complete fool of yourself... and this has allowed for far greater connection, and intimate moments with women, than when I used to be concerned with being attractive. And I'm a pretty oddball case myself, I would assume most normal guys would easily get into relationships once they just let go and ACTUALLY stop seeking them. And you know, actually go to social activities where you talk to people, see regulars you befriend and meet new folks, not afraid to introduce yourself and start conversations.

Been sleeping better the last few days, and I'm grateful for the challenge of my situation. Like I've said, it makes me lots more emotionally resilient, and grateful. Last week I remember I felt miserable about it sometimes, than made a mental list of things that I appreciate about living here, and it led me to realize how lucky I actually am, how fortunate I've been, and how bright the future could be- but 'living in the now ' is the best way I've learned to cope with anything in life. Leo said that even physical suffering is really just emotional suffering, and maybe this seems to be the case.

Regardless, the reason I hate neediness is it is a selfish way of looking at the world and towards other people, wondering what they can do for you, what you can get out of them, primarily seeing them as a means to an end. Sure, people of higher consciousness wouldn't put down others for feeling & projecting an aura of neediness, but coming from that place is a barrier to forming connections. If I have a new friend who has a house with a spare room, I'd want to ask if I could crash there at least temporarily, but neither of us would be comfortable bringing that up until we've develop a friendship based on valuing each other for who we are, no what we can offer. Likewise if someone came to me complaining about being incel and depressed. I'm passionate about helping guys grow out of those mindsets, but approaching me with such negative energy right off the bat would make me uncomfortable with them, un-trusting, like they see me as a repairman for their personal problems. I don't want others to feel this way about me either.

[Dan Arnautu]

12 hours ago, Robert said:

@Dan Arnautu Don't encourage him to waste money on PUA stuff. It won't help him. What he needs is authentic connection.

Wasting money is subjective. If it's the wrong program or if the buyer doesn't take action, it surely won't work. 

Also, my relationships have never been more authentic since I went through multiple RSD products.

Have you gone through any one of them? 

[Robert]

6 hours ago, XYZ said:

But it isn't a need, just a strong desire, and not even for a any specific thing, but a concept, a fantasy, an ideal situation you are imagining. 

You won't die if you don't receive female validation, fall in love, and make love. Treating it as a need only leads to suffering, whether or not you experience such things.

Honey is something that tangibly exists, and you can own a jar of honey. Relationships, meanwhile are shared experiences that require other's cooperation, and you can't "have" another person like you can have a jar of honey.

And we're telling you it's not JUST a strong desire, it's a need. Human beings need love and belonging.

You can't "have" anything more than anything else (this includes both people and honey.) It's all one.

6 hours ago, XYZ said:

You seem to be confusing suppression with transcendence. If something indeed feels like a need to you, and you pretend not to care about it, that is suppressing. To transcend a need is to master personal development to the point where something which once felt very necessary, and you desperately longed for it and suffered in it's absence, is recontextualized so that it's genuinely no longer a need, you are able to just let go of the desire, and thrive emotionally, having liberated yourself from the attachment to it. 

You could not do this with food, water, sleep, oxygen, etc. But sexual things, absolutely!

Nope. I'm not confusing anything. I know how the universe and human beings work. The physical body can't transcend its needs. If it stops getting food for too long or it gets stabbed in the wrong spot, it will cause the organism to die. It's no different with love and belonging (even if those needs are higher on Maslow's hierarchy.)

6 hours ago, XYZ said:

We can learn to exercise significant control over our emotional states, and in uncomfortable, painful, stressful situation this ability is tested and refined. The periods of negative emotion become shorter and you become more resilient afterward. My point being, it's in the best interest of everyone to get out of states of bitterness, anger, depression and victimhood with regard to sex/relationships. In this way, the less you see people as means to alleviate your loneliness, more likely those kinds of things will naturally happen, not all that counter-intuitive. And if they don't, well hey, it's alright, because you don't base you happiness & self-worth upon gaining approval or sex.

I always develop myself by putting myself in painful and uncomfortable situations. I think that's the best way to do personal development. However, I make sure I do it healthily and for the benefit of the universe, not to run away from the truth like you're doing.

You also are ignorant of how emotions work and what you just said proves that you're suppressing things. You should NOT just "get out" of emotional states like you described. Emotions such as anger are there to get you to ask questions about the situation so you can continue on in the right direction.

You have this belief that you can't or aren't supposed to get angry or bitter or whatever with relationships/sex, but that's bullshit. You are free to be angry at whatever you want. Use the emotion properly. It's trying to tell you something.

And it also is not about getting an ideology about relationships. I never said relationships are the solution to alleviate all loneliness, etc. Just aknolwedge the fact that you will need support in life. You can run away to your bedroom or a cave somewhere to try to escape, but you will not become your best version or serve the universe that way.

6 hours ago, XYZ said:

One thing I do try to emphasize from my own experience is that my interactions with women are far more fulfilling after I stopped trying to get anything from them. The TAKE attitude is off-putting, self-centered, isolationist- the GIVE attitude is expansive, open, inviting. When not invested in whether people like you or not, you can be yourself, live in the moment, smile, laugh, cry, have deep conversations or make a complete fool of yourself... and this has allowed for far greater connection, and intimate moments with women, than when I used to be concerned with being attractive. And I'm a pretty oddball case myself, I would assume most normal guys would easily get into relationships once they just let go and ACTUALLY stop seeking them. And you know, actually go to social activities where you talk to people, see regulars you befriend and meet new folks, not afraid to introduce yourself and start conversations.

You need both a give AND take attitude. Think holistically. I'm probably way more of an oddball than you and yet I still know I need to seek what I want as hard as I can in order to get it. This is how success works. That's why 99% of people including OP fail and never find what they are seeking. We need to take massive action in our lives!!!

And BTW, those people at those social activities are most likely not friends, they're just acquaintances. Are they actually there when you NEED support? Are they growing with you or just engaging in meaningless chit-chat with you?

6 hours ago, XYZ said:

Been sleeping better the last few days, and I'm grateful for the challenge of my situation. Like I've said, it makes me lots more emotionally resilient, and grateful. Last week I remember I felt miserable about it sometimes, than made a mental list of things that I appreciate about living here, and it led me to realize how lucky I actually am, how fortunate I've been, and how bright the future could be- but 'living in the now ' is the best way I've learned to cope with anything in life. Leo said that even physical suffering is really just emotional suffering, and maybe this seems to be the case.

I'm happy for you. But don't listen to Leo about the physical/emotional suffering. He also gets this relationship stuff wrong and seems to look at it too much on the surface. He goes deeper than most self-help teachers, but he still barely scratches the surface in his vids which is why I avoid his videos these days.

6 hours ago, XYZ said:

Likewise if someone came to me complaining about being incel and depressed. I'm passionate about helping guys grow out of those mindsets, but approaching me with such negative energy right off the bat would make me uncomfortable with them

This is because of your low level of development. You get uncomfortable way too easily.

6 hours ago, XYZ said:

Regardless, the reason I hate neediness is it is a selfish way of looking at the world and towards other people, wondering what they can do for you, what you can get out of them, primarily seeing them as a means to an end. Sure, people of higher consciousness wouldn't put down others for feeling & projecting an aura of neediness, but coming from that place is a barrier to forming connections. If I have a new friend who has a house with a spare room, I'd want to ask if I could crash there at least temporarily, but neither of us would be comfortable bringing that up until we've develop a friendship based on valuing each other for who we are, no what we can offer. Likewise if someone came to me complaining about being incel and depressed. I'm passionate about helping guys grow out of those mindsets, but approaching me with such negative energy right off the bat would make me uncomfortable with them, un-trusting, like they see me as a repairman for their personal problems. I don't want others to feel this way about me either.

I'm not even telling you to repair everyone or look to get repaired by everyone. You're viewing it that way because YOU'RE acting too selfish.

Just see everyone as already connected with you and acknowledge that we are all in this life TOGETHER. This is how life works. Life requires us all to cooperate in order to keep growing.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Robert

[F A B]

@XYZ

Why are you transcending that?

Is it why you are not able to get laid?

[XYZ]

@F A B

See 

 

@Robert

Love and belonging are subjective states of being though, you can experience them in any environment, with your own self, with all of life, the universe, with God and with other people. The psychological traps are:

• Believing there is a line between being 'alone' and 'together'. 
• Interpreting your body's mechanisms for fulfilling the biological imperative of procreation as authentic survival needs that can and must be satiated. 

As simple mammals human beings were primarily concerned with group protection and sexual conquest as their mode of living, they experienced intense emotional pain when lacking those things in order to go an seek them. But we live in a totally different world where hourly survival doesn't depend on group co-operation and very little of sexual activity is intended for reproduction. If and when there comes a breakdown in society, as seen during natural disasters, people will really need each other in an immediate sense, and learn to work together. 

And indeed it seems that the closest friendships are forged by necessity, like co-workers, soldiers or neighbors forced to cooperate as they are dependent on each other to complete an objective. A comfortable environment where most of our necessities can be met with a few clicks leads to a world of increasing alone-ness. Whereas in primitive times just existing as human beings of the same tribe was enough to foster an alliance, we now have to find common interests, things to talk about, things to do together. Times of peace and prosperity are times of declining social capital.

It's not uncommon for when I say that I'm happy alone and tell lonely guys they can also be, others will say No No No! You need sex, you need friends, you're repressing emotions, you're lying to yourself! That just seems like projecting your own version of reality and talking down to others who can't have certain things, or don't have the same value systems. I'm E/INTP and Eneagram type 5 though, so it could be just easier to re-contextualize things, to step outside of social and even biological conditioning. As I get older I genuinely enjoy being alone more, while at the same time, have much more fun socializing when it does happen. 

 

[F A B]

1 hour ago, XYZ said:

It's not uncommon for when I say that I'm happy alone and tell lonely guys they can also be, others will say No No No!

No No No! 

 

1 hour ago, XYZ said:

That just seems like projecting your own version of reality and talking down to others

Yes, we are projecting our vision like you are projecting yours. 

[Robert]

On 12/4/2018 at 10:36 AM, Dan Arnautu said:

Wasting money is subjective. If it's the wrong program or if the buyer doesn't take action, it surely won't work. 

Also, my relationships have never been more authentic since I went through multiple RSD products.

Have you gone through any one of them? 

I know what's subjective, but if you put things into context those programs/courses would be a waste for OP. And I think the only reason you were able to improve in authenticity is because of how you uniquely applied what you learned. Even though I haven't been through any of those products, I simply do not believe that RSD teaches true authenticity in their products, I'm sorry.

@XYZ You're getting a lot of things wrong. You should really try better to understand the wisdom in my advice to OP. But if you're happy right now then I'm happy for you.

[eleveneleven]

On 12/2/2018 at 10:34 AM, MM1988 said:

I have zero confidence with girls and I dont know how to acquire it if everybody rejected me up to this late point in life. I can tell myself Im a good catch all day but I wont believe it anyway.

You're right. Connection is something that has to be free-flowing and authentic. There is no "try."

Conditioning from past rejection can be a bitch, though. There are parts of you that can connect naturally and easily, but they are buried under those layers.

People are attracted to who you are when you are willing to be vulnerable and confident in that vulnerability. When you are unapologetically you, people will come. When you feel confident that you will be loved in general, you may even stop trying to seek that fulfillment from an SO altogether. The love becomes less specific.

BUT, it's hard to get there from where you are. I can tell you all this and all the people here can try to talk you into being "confident" and realizing that "love is all around you" and blah blah, but it will do you no good. You have to experience this unconditional love, and that can't be induced by someone just talking about it.

One way to get there is in fact this:

1) Start searching in earnest for a partner. Lower your standards to the point where you are willing to date someone who has huge, red-flag problems--someone who can enter into a co-dependent relationship with you. Find someone who complements and magnifies your neurosis and flaws surrounding personal relationships, so that these "demons" can be activated and then released (if you make an effort to be conscious of them).

2) Allow the relationship to run its course. Feel the pain of being attached to a specific person for those feelings of fulfillment and connectedness. Notice how it didn't fill the hole in your life that you thought it would.

3) Transform the relationship slowly. Exorcise the "demons" in both of you that caused the co-dependency.

4) Break up when there's nothing else left to do and you love each other unconditionally. (Or stay together if you genuinely can love each other without attachment.)

5) Look back on those years of your life and wonder to yourself how you could have ever sought fulfillment through a partner.

In other words, I think you will have to experience what it is like to actually have a romantic partner before you can release this desire and transcend it. Just having us tell you won't do it. Find someone that you shouldn't be dating and date them.

Forget about whether or not you're a "good catch"; that's totally subjective. That's just an extension of the common mindset that people deserve certain things for certain behaviors (or social status), and that's basically a lie society brainwashes us with. You don't find a partner (or anything else) by being a good catch; you find a partner by attracting a match for who you truly are.

Edited December 6, 2018 by eleveneleven

[XYZ]

@Robert

We can all learn from multiple perspectives, not needing to take anyone's viewpoint at the exclusion of others. Come to think of it, lonely guys would benefit form hearing the stories of those like them who have transformed themselves into studs or found the wife of their dreams, and others who have learned to cope and thrive without sex & relationships, learning to be happy nevertheless. I found your posts very helpful and appreciate it. 

 

[Dan Arnautu]

10 hours ago, Robert said:

I know what's subjective, but if you put things into context those programs/courses would be a waste for OP. And I think the only reason you were able to improve in authenticity is because of how you uniquely applied what you learned. Even though I haven't been through any of those products, I simply do not believe that RSD teaches true authenticity in their products, I'm sorry.

@XYZ You're getting a lot of things wrong. You should really try better to understand the wisdom in my advice to OP. But if you're happy right now then I'm happy for you.

I too was very reluctant of RSD products. I know them all at this point. Some of them are a waste and others are real gems (at least imo) . 

I'm trying to not close myself from any avenue of potential learning, so I try not to judge a product, service or teaching until I put it to the test. 

I think that if you make up your mind with some of these products beforehand, you might be missing some real value in the long run. 

[XYZ]

8 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Getting born as a male is no fun.

It often results in total disinterest from women.

So.. my advice is to pray that death occurs soon and that "you" get reborn as a female.

How is this at all helpful to anyone?

[eleveneleven]

On 12/6/2018 at 5:05 AM, Mikael89 said:

Getting born as a male is no fun.

It often results in total disinterest from women.

So.. my advice is to pray that death occurs soon and that "you" get reborn as a female.

This reply is really fucking weird.

But seriously, I don't get all these people on this forum putting women on a pedestal and pretending like being a woman means that you have no problems in life or something. As if women weren't human beings. As if there weren't super ugly women who have never seen a dick in their lives, or unlucky women who are economically disadvantaged, or women with low self-esteem who get dumped by every boyfriend they have.

I think it's easy to make the mistake that if someone appears to have something you really, really desperately want (like many sexual prospects, allegedly), then you assume their life must be a bowl of cherries and they must have no problems. Which is of course bullshit. That's like when poor people assume that people with money automatically lead happy lives.

My unsolicited advice to you is to make friends with some actual women in real life. Then maybe you'll have a more accurate view of them. They're just people.

[eleveneleven]

6 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

@eleveneleven 1. Even super ugly women get sex/partner.

2. Poor women gets supplied by her partner.

3. It's not that common that women get dumped (even if they have low self-esteem.) It's more common that the woman dumps the man, because sex and and sexual relationships is the womans market.

4. I would get a female friend? You are funny.

If what you imply in #4 is true and you don't have any female friends, then how are you so sure about #1 - #3? You don't have personal experience, so you must just be going by what you've heard second-hand. Where did you hear all of that from? Internet videos and forum posts by guys who similarly have no female friends?

If you don't actually have experience with a variety of women from different walks of life, how can you know all these things for sure?

I've been friends with extremely sexually undesirable women who have a hard time getting a boyfriend, or even just sometimes getting laid, believe it or not. They do exist. And many times, even when those undesirable women get laid, the guys don't want to be their boyfriends or go on dates with them in public. And I've seen more than one woman get dumped by a guy who lost interest in her or didn't want to seriously date her because she was ugly, too fat, or too old.

True that usually the woman has to be super ugly or morbidly obese for it to reach these dire levels, but even for an average woman who has an easier time, finding some sap to date her doesn't automatically mean that the relationship will be good or that it will be what she wants. All humans have relationship challenges, even if they might be shaped differently.

Sounds like you've just been filling your head with too much bullshit on the Internet. Go out and experience life. Stop treating women like they're an alien species. Meet some in real life.