Why I want an existential crisis

[kieranperez]

I’m tired of the lies. I’m tired of not being able to really see through my own lies. I’m tired of not knowing nor being able to tap into what I deeply, authentically, and actually want out of my life. I’m tired of my life story. Im tired of my inner narrative of “I can’t” “I don’t know” and this never ending game. I’m sick of my family, cultural, social, societal influences and values telling me and displaying in day to day life what I should live. I’m tired of believing and being run by my thoughts. I’m tired of not having any direction because I fundamentally don’t know who I am and what I’m about anymore. I’m tired of playing this game. To win this game is to lose and I see people around me everyday who play this game and aren’t happy. I just feel like being stripped of all my nonsense. All I know (though I still intuit that of course I really don’t know nor can I know until it happens) is that I don’t want to play this game anymore and I want to be stripped of all my beliefs of who I am, all my lies about who I am, what I’m passionate about, what I believe about the world, all my beliefs about enlightenment, because I know that what I’m living, what I’m speaking to myself and to others, what I’m believing, what I’m projecting are ALL just 1 big pile of bullshit and I’m tired of living in bullshit.

I can go into a talk about how I want to rebuild my life into this great thing and worthwhile thing but to be honest, that’d just be more bullshit because I don’t know what I authentically desire anymore. Whatever I come up with all a lie. 

The ONLY thing I know I genuinely and authentically want (and hey, maybe there’s more) and actually want to be is to absolutely nothing. It’s the same literal voice and also bodily sensation that comes whenever I sit alone in nature or at the beach. I laugh after hysterically. 

[Outer]

[Strikr]

what is the bullshit ? what is the waste ? against what?

woaw you're getting out the beard joseph, nice one, I like this neutral smile

 

[Outer]

1 hour ago, Joseph Maynor said:

I felt like you and then I did LSD and I realized that all that is just thought swinging from tree to tree and my Mind stopped with the shit.  My Mind cut it out.  It became obvious that thought was pointless and just causing pointless suffering.  I realized that everything is just fine right now.  The key is to have vision and feed vision but also don't cling to vision and don't cling to identifying with vision.  It's a paradox that you gotta work both ends of.  Your suffering is caused because your mind is shooting off all these thoughts and you lack the awareness that that the thoughts are pointless because everything is just fine right now.  LSD gives you the mindfulness to see that and it's amazing how fast the Mind gets shut down with the monkey-mind shit.  You need more communion with the true Self.  The true Self is not threatened by Thought and Experience. 

Solid advice.

 

[Wyze]

I use to think like that until I discovered Spiral Dynamics. And upon understanding where I was on the spectrum. I could see what was missing from my life - and what I should build upon to cultivate it. This gave me new meaning.

Yes once you've completed the stage, you will move onto the next stage's meaning of life.

Its the journey that counts.

Edited November 25, 2018 by Wyze

[Hellspeed]

Go deep in suffering, go deep in forgiveness, go deep in losing YOU. Switch focus on the movements of your being. Let the knowing for the dead. 

[zambize]

"I’m tired of playing this game"

Don't be tired, try to have fun D:  I'm sure you know this, but it's useful remembering that you are in fact allowed to have a good time, I checked.  

" I’m sick of my family, cultural, social, societal influences and values telling me and displaying in day to day life what I should live"

Err.  I could be projecting myself onto you but when I was sick of my mother's expectations on how I would life my life, I also kind of took that out on her.  Maybe you aren't sick of them telling you how you should live, maybe you are sick of you being weak enough that they would ever have any influence in the way you lived, or that if you don't live up to their expectation that will somehow make you feel less fulfilled.  Again,  I realize that I am aware of zero of the complexities of this situation, but I think this is maybe more of a "you" problem than everything around you.  Instead of being as disgusted as possible by ego, show them a better way, teach them how to love, teach them the values that you want for yourself.  This shouldn't be that hard if you've spent a significant amount of time on self-development.  Anyways,  I'm sure I was wrong about more than one thing I said or over analysed something, but I hope something was useful.  Best of luck

[ZZZZ]

7 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

I felt like you and then I did LSD and I realized that all that is just thought swinging from tree to tree and my Mind stopped with the shit.  My Mind cut it out.  It became obvious that thought was pointless and just causing pointless suffering.  I realized that everything is just fine right now.  The key is to have vision and feed vision but also don't cling to vision and don't cling to identifying with vision.  It's a paradox that you gotta work both ends of.  Your suffering is caused because your mind is shooting off all these thoughts and you lack the awareness that that the thoughts are pointless because everything is just fine right now.  LSD gives you the mindfulness to see that and it's amazing how fast the Mind gets shut down with the monkey-mind shit.  You need more communion with the true Self.  The true Self is not threatened by Thought and Experience. 

@kieranperez I once dropped acid and went on a hike with some friends. Most of them were sober and I was not. I am much more experienced than they are with hiking, and generally just a much more effective leader. Once we finally made it to the trail sign, I looked at the sign and all of the multicolored trail markers just swirled together and I didn't take the time to figure them out. I simply just didn't care, we were going to hike the actual trail and just figure it out. My friends didn't even think to take a picture of the map either, so we just went onward. Part of the way through some of my friends were joking about not knowing where we were or that we were lost. Idk about you, but when I am tripping hard, it is difficult for me to determine when people are being sarcastic or serious, and I thought they were just fucking with me. I was also relying on them to have their shit together, which turned out to be a mistake. At a certain point I realized they were serious, and I finally had everyone stop where they were.

 

The magical thing about this moment was that I wasn't worried at all. We found ourselves in this unfortunate situation that normally would have sent someone into a panic. It was getting late, we were fairly tired, low on food and water, and had no idea where we were in the middle of Appalachian Trail. However, it didn't matter, this was just the situation we were in. Everything was perfect in this moment no matter what the circumstances. Panicking wasn't going to change anything, and deep down inside I knew we would be okay. Even if it meant sleeping outside or wandering around for hours, the trails were populated enough that I knew we would find our way. The one member of the party that was still tripping balls lead us all back up the trail we came down on. I was so present and amazed by particular trees and rocks that I remembered every single one of them at forks in the trail, and took all of the proper turns we needed to get back to where we were. My friends were bitching and nervous the entire time, but they had the same ability to remain as calm as me, and experience the true awe of nature for what it was. It is so beautiful, but will swallow you up just as quickly if you aren't careful. 

I guess my point with this story is that you will find yourself in some uncomfortable positions sometimes, but it is only your outlook that makes it uncomfortable. Sometimes it's easy to rush ahead in your mind and yearn for some future that you've imagined, but it is important to realize that you only ever get the present, and that that present is always perfect in every way. There's always a bright side to the present moment, you just have to find it. You should be able to laugh hysterically at all of life. It's all so trivial and yet so amazing at the same time. You will get back up the trail, it will be okay.

Edited November 25, 2018 by ZZZZ

[aurum]

21 hours ago, kieranperez said:

The ONLY thing I know I genuinely and authentically want (and hey, maybe there’s more) and actually want to be is to absolutely nothing.

Then that's what you'll get.

Time to wake up.

[kieranperez]

44 minutes ago, aurum said:

Then that's what you'll get.

Time to wake up.

In the sense of ill be nothing in life and that I need to wake up or that it’s time to start pursuing enlightenment more seriously and start dedicating myself to this?

[tsuki]

@kieranperez The higher you build, the more you suffer when it falls. Build wide instead.

[Strikr]

44 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@kieranperez The higher you build, the more you suffer when it falls. Build wide instead.

he should take a holistic view on life 

[aurum]

15 hours ago, kieranperez said:

In the sense of ill be nothing in life and that I need to wake up or that it’s time to start pursuing enlightenment more seriously and start dedicating myself to this?

Neither.

I mean that anyone is only asleep by choice. If someone really makes the choice to then wake up, like you are doing right now, they will.

[lmfao]

@kieranperez Sounds like you already might be in an existential crises