Want to get out off suffering.

[Annoynymous]

I will here talk about journey/struggle of my getting out of struggle.

[Annoynymous]

i am in suffering mode now a days. My goal is to end my suffering but feels like a hell like an effort.

She was my best friend. She was in a relation at the time i decided to approch her. Not in a direct way. But i wanted to seduce her. Question is why did i want to do that?

1. Her bf was my senior at university. He treated me as his younger brother from the day i have entered univsrsity. It felt good. Because ragging is so common at our uni and i felt relieved. I thought of him as a support. He was assuring me about those stuff and it felt like it was a promise from him to protect me. I felt good and secured. I was afraid. An afraid person usually needs support. But why was i afraid? What was the fear? Why fear occurs at all? Maybe i felt that i will be rediculed in front of a lot of people in the name of ragging. I don't like when people try to disgust me. Try to make fun of me. 

He was kind of dominating guy. He seemed calm at first. He was listening. I felt from his part that he is quite grounded. I could feel strength in him. That was somehow frightening. But whenever he gave away some good word to me it felt valuable. Was i seeking validation? Maybe yes.

He invited me to meet me. We met outside of a mall. He seemed like a mysterious guy. Talking about uni corruption and how teachers can make money through it in illegal way. He was talking about dark things. I felt the greed inside of me but i also felt horrible inside of me. Dont really know why. He said things to me like he is attracted to those "dark" things. I felt he was also manupulating me to grow interest in those.

After some days i felt i was getting in his "zone". He used to cl me at the time the cls was going on. He use to cl me after the cls and usually said to go to him. I use to spend tym after the clz with him. It was like he he and he and i was feeling domination slowly. He also use to give my restaurant bills, never really allowed me to pay anything. I was comfortable at first because it was our campus tradition that seniors will pay juniors bill at least at the first 3 months of coming to fhe campus. But he was giving excessinvely. It was not liked by me.i began to grow dislike.

But he can influence anyone. Its a very interesting thing and honestly, quite attractive. He can prove his point in a strong manner. Later on i thought that he had a very big ego. 

He was showing power. How teachers were close to him, how he managed to get a zero for his clsmate illegally, how he was connected to politics etc. Felt like he was showing power, not in a show, but in a shadow oriented way. Like he was talking about it but not all the things get showed.

Time to time he seemed  like he understand my emotions. He tried many times to console me. I used to get consoled.

To me, at that point he was a confuing character. It looked like he was playing game to me, push pull type. Sometimes i felt he was so helpful, other time i felt that he is not that good. Confusing time was going on.. 

It will continue