Feeling stuck/How to progress in my path

[OneLittleHumanMind]

I'm a 19 years old girl and interested in nonduality/oneness (or whatever it is called, I don't care much about names).
For over a year and a half I have been establishing meditation, kinds of self-inquiry and journaling into my life. I'm not a fan of high self-discipline when it comes to these practises, and I don't believe it's a matter of hard work to realize my nondual nature.

I tend to contemplate things quite informally, along with everyday happenings. But more than that, I often sit down and meditate on interesting issues following some pre-written questions. When doing that, I always lose my ability to keep all the strings together. I mean, I may ask one question and then I'll question the previous question. But at some point I can't focus on my experience: what is the question telling about, what I really perceive etc. Very often I see an invisible wall to come out in front of me. I can't get insight of anything, not even a word in my mind. My mind is stuck and can't handle anything like that.

Right now, questioning the physicality issue really bothers me. It's so simple intellectually but still some very primal sense is saying that I cannot be the objects I am perceiving, and they just don't feel "me". I can simply see that everything is in consciousness (like every dense-like object is in a dream as well), and we cannot step out of that ground. But even then it feels like the physicality and independence of objects are existing in consciousness. I cant progress further than that, and every time I'm exploring it, a strange feeling of invisible wall comes. A wall between me and some understanding. How to approach this?

Also, there's one issue that seems to be quite a big hindrance to embracing understanding. I have very persistent body-focused neuroses. I've got a diagnosis of OCD two years ago. Now, when everything is coming into my awareness as clearer, also the body-focused compulsions get worse. Sometimes my body feels like a total obstacle, because instead of exploring my mental beliefs, I'm stuck in my bodily sensations. On some days I may be aware of my stomach for 12 hours and I'm not sure if I'm hungry or not. Sometimes my throat feels dry all the time or I concentrate on my swallowing, without any intent.

My question would be that can I include these problems to my overall inquiry and can nondual understanding help with these? Or do I just need to bypass them like other feelings? What to do when I don't have energy for fresh inquiry, because I'm so tired of attending to my sensations?

Thanks for reading.

Edited November 24, 2018 by OneLittleHumanMind
empty space below my text

[Forestluv]

I find it difficult to progress with a busy mind. Activities that settle the mind are helpful: yoga, running, listening to nonduality speakers, meditation etc.

[Aaron p]

Welcome the inability to progress. It's not only good, it's necessary as an obstacle for you to overcome and grow stronger.

When your sitting there "stuck" is it being observed? Who is the one who observes you being stuck? No matter what happens to block you from spiritual work, ask "is this being observed" check direct experience (the answer will be 'yes') then ask "well who is the observer."

"A knife cannot cut itself, a fire cannot burn itself, eyes cannot see themselves. Do you think the one who observes can observe himself?"

See, you can't actually be stuck. You can only believe that you are stuck by misunderstanding meditation. Remember, we aren't doing anything with knowledge here. We are only working with the observer. Anything other than god is imagined bullshit.

[Aaron p]

Anything other than meditation and self/universe enquiry is distraction...if your looking for absolute truth.

2 hours ago, OneLittleHumanMind said:

It's so simple intellectually but still some very primal sense is saying that I cannot be the objects I am perceiving, and they just don't feel "me".

@OneLittleHumanMind also see what you said here...do not believe that you are or aren't what you are perceiving. Do not lean into intellect, is the intellect being observed? Who by? 

This is the only thing that matters. Do not become involved with knowledge. Especially true spiritual knowledge.

[Consilience]

I posted this in another thread but I think it would be helpful here too. Read this article and something may click for ya~ 

https://deconstructingyourself.com/escaping-observer-trap.html

[WelcometoReality]

@OneLittleHumanMind Sometimes the urge to make progress can hinder a real breakthrough so maybe that is something to look into?

[ground]

A path can only reveal what has been present from the outset. A path cannot create something new. Actually there is nothing to do.

[Torkys]

Question the questioning itself. Why are you doing this? Why do you want oneness? Are you running away from duality instead of embracing non-duality? 

Research paths which are more heart-centered rather than mind-centered if you haven't already. 

[Jack River]

Best thing I ever did was step out of the path/self and end the “continuity of progression”. 

There was an insight that saw the totality that path, self, continuity, progression, was all a movement of time(past/present/future) or divided action/self. 

[OneLittleHumanMind]

@Aaron p I don't know if I'm getting it right. But so many times it feels like I have to understand better, be smarter or something. And that knowledge (which everybody except me seems to have) will carry the nondual realization. It also seems like I forget things that are close to understanding something. But yes, there is a huge duality within this.

And for the rest: I don't cling on the idea of a path. I can see that there have happened a few shifts in my 'journey to realization', but eventually, the essence of everything has been prepared in the very beginning of my life as this form. And nothing gets more satisfying. I'm totally fulfilled most of the time, when my mind doesn't create the abyss. But have to admit, that desire for knowledge and seeing myself as unable to understand are the potential blockers.

Does anyone have any view on that OCD issue and how to include it to my inquiry?

[Joseph Maynor]

Two practices that I would recommend for you are (1) daily meditation for 1 hour per day and (2) constant mindfulness in the sense that you're aware of all your sights, tastes, touches, smells, sounds, and thoughts.  Start to watch yourself.  I call this self-observation work.

Edited November 25, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[OneLittleHumanMind]

@Joseph Maynor Yes, I do all of that except formal day-to-day meditation. I don't always have a gap in time or conditions good enough to sit down and meditate - say, I have bad back pain or that blurriness I mentioned previously. Then I try to focus on mindfulness and not craving for meditative states. But that is only one or two times per week. For the rest, I preferably walk into nature and get meditative there.

[OneLittleHumanMind]

Sometimes my level of self-observation seems even overwhelming. I don't know if I'm doing it in the right way then. It seems smoother to be concentrating on some external stuff (school task for example) than my bodily feelings. That's an issue I would want to hear an answer to.

[zambize]

3 minutes ago, OneLittleHumanMind said:

Sometimes my level of self-observation seems even overwhelming. I don't know if I'm doing it in the right way then. It seems smoother to be concentrating on some external stuff (school task for example) than my bodily feelings. That's an issue I would want to hear an answer to.

Hmmmm I'm not really sure what you define as smoothness of concentration,  maybe this is more along the lines of ease of locking onto something in your awareness, or ease of holding that thing in your concentration, but I don't know exactly what you mean by smoothness.  In terms of it being more difficult to concentrate on external things vs. internal. well that should make sense.  I'm used to focusing on video games and asses and what not,  what's hard is focusing on your pain and emotions.  Of course you can focus on your school work and external stuff, I mean you've been doing that all your life.  How much of your life have you spent asking what suffering is?  What love is?  How deep can love be felt?  How broad?  What am I aware? What could I be aware of?  These questions are much more difficult because you have to train your concentration and think in ways you've never thought before.  That's hard, very simple, but difficult.  I'd be really impressed if you could ask these kinds of emotions and probe your inner world well enough while focusing on being a moving human being out on a walk, that being said I don't use walking meditation (regularly) so I'm a local know nothing in that regard.  Real talk would get on the daily meditation hype train, even 20-30 minutes, but I'm sure you've heard that all before, so if you don't intend on doing that or can't, maybe every night try and get into as deep of a meditation as/while you fall asleep.  Every minute counts, and at least that's something daily that over the long run could really make a difference.  Hope anything helped!