This Visceral Sense of Dying From This Fear

[kieranperez]

Every time this fear sets in right now, I feel this extreme sense of anxiety in my chest that I can't express here at home so I hold it in. This sense of wanting to scream because I'm so terrified, anxious, frustrated, angry about how I don't think I can live up to my life purpose. I'm so terrified to leave home in this psychological state. I'm terrified to work a low end job right now, without a car, without much money, etc. 

It's literally this sense of my inner safety is being threatened. It's almost like a flight or fight response is being triggered that I'm trying to hold in but can't express. Between not having a support system to support my own endeavors, to this fear of I'm going to get sucked into this system and pulled in because I just can't do this and how I'm going to end up working a low end job and wasting my life and I can't seek professional help because I can't afford is driving this sense of panic and helplessness in yet I know it's my own mind but I can't stop. 

I'm so angry and frustrated at myself and at the 2 people that belittle me home and I can't calm down in yet I have to hold this in so I don't throw a fit and I'm constantly belittled in yet I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I think 'okay I'll get a low end job, start a business that isn't "the one" but "is the one to the one" and then work really hard but I get all these negative associations of doing low end sleazy marketing to get people to buy a stupid product I don't believe in or care about that doesn't have much substance or integrity or true value to it and then think I'll learn a more valuable skill like programming a get a better job but I'm like 'the whole reason I'm doing this is to escape wage slavery not fall into it! And what makes me so confident that I'll be successful in business?! What makes me so arrogant and confident that all because I have a business that means I'm all good?! I'll have this stupid business I don't care about that serves a stupid function and purpose that I'll hate funneling to people that I don't believe in at all when I know that enlightenment and awakening people is what matters more to me anyways!" It's the feeling of being trapped and I know my mind is the obstacle but I feel like I'm being closed down. I look at people like certain enlightened people that I really admire and just think to myself "how do I do that with my life?" Not follow them which is why I'm not that fond of doing the whole join a monastery thing and join some orthodox order but how do I emulate what those people accomplished and deliver THAT to the world and make THAT my impact? Then I "return" back to my everyday circumstances and just cry because I feel like this is a fucking fantasy. 

I really don't know what to do... 

[Eric Tarpall]

6 minutes ago, kieranperez said:

I don't think I can

That's your problem. Tell yourself ''I can do everything'' 

[kieranperez]

11 minutes ago, Eric Tarpall said:

That's your problem. Tell yourself ''I can do everything'' 

Lying to myself isn’t a solution nor has it ever worked. Affirmations cause me more emotional distraught than any other technique I’ve ever done. 

Edited November 24, 2018 by kieranperez

[Pilgrim]

A quote from Tolle comes to my mind when reading this:

"All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence." 

You know it's your mind playing on you, you worry too much about the future and this worry is totally killing the present moment and the opportunity to change something. Try to focus on what you can do NOW and don't think about the implications of the long-term future. There is no way you are going to come up with a plan that is definitely going to lead you to your destination. It's impossible to know, so it's totally useless to think about it. You seem like an intellectual to me, so this is incredibly hard for you. But I think that's the counter-intuitive thing you have to do right now, that Leo keeps talking about. Just try to focus as best as you can on your short-term goals (earning money) and try to stay present.. don't try to solve everything already.