social anxiety insight

[Viking]

I think a certain type of social anxiety comes down to this: I care about how other people might perceive me (or what people think about me), therefore I have to present myself in the best possible way.

many times when I talked to strangers I felt anxious. that anxiety i thought was due to me trying (subconsciously) to act natural, in order for them to like me, because then maybe they could be my friends, or something like that.

I stopped trying to act natural sometimes, but still I felt uneasy. even with my close friends I felt often uneasy I noticed. 

Then I remembered that growing up, I had difficulties with friends. I had very few friends during elementary school, even fewer friends when I was in middle school, and no friends that I hung around with after school during high school. I watched tv shows and played video games most of the time alone. I had a few friends in school, but we rarely did anything together outside of school.

I think in those middle school years when I started to have my friends slowly not want to hang out with me I developed my social anxiety (if you want to call it that). I tried to reach out to them and most of the time they declined and when we were actually playing together I remember now that I tried very hard to not annoy them, so they will want to play with me more. That didnt work and we stopped playing together eventually, so I found content in video games and tv shows alone. However, the fear of people not wanting to hang out with me didnt disappear, and to this day I find myself being uncomfortable around people outside my family. Whenever im with people, i feel uneasy because somewhere in the back of my mind I believe that any moment they will stop being interested in being with me. Or in case of strangers, won't start to be interested in being with me. That's why I try to be interesting hence the anxiety.

I guess you could go even deeper and say that those experiences in my younger years made me believe that I am not interesting, that I am not good enough.

I remember having interactions when it seemed like people really liked me, but still I believed that they're just faking to be nice, and when we went by each other again some time later and didnt start a conversation I had a feeling that my belief that they didnt like me was reinforced, because hey! they dont kiss my ass each time i walk by them, im not the most important person in their lives!

I guess a lot of problems are connected to self esteem, huh.

p.s. should I make posts like this or should I keep them in my commonplace book for myself? let me know if this post helped anyone  

[aurum]

12 minutes ago, Viking said:

I guess a lot of problems are connected to self esteem, huh.

Just about all of them.

Love is the answer.

[Eric Tarpall]

Maybe your anxiety is caused by the fear of hurting & offending people. That's what caused my anxiety. And fear of being a bad person.

[universe]

Yep.

Problems begin when you think that you need friends in your life. Thats the first lie.

[Charlotte]

On 23/11/2018 at 10:03 PM, Viking said:

I think a certain type of social anxiety comes down to this: I care about how other people might perceive me (or what people think about me), therefore I have to present myself in the best possible way.

The biggest game changer @Viking  was when faceless told me your mind projects an image of what you should be (very quickly in certain circumstances) once I became conscious of this it literally started to melt away as I could see the hazy images the mind was projecting in the present moment. Sneaky sneaky ??

[Seed]

@Charlotte would you mind sending more details this insight to me ? Would love to know more ? X

[jane_ryder]

On 11/24/2018 at 7:22 AM, Eric Tarpall said:

Maybe your anxiety is caused by the fear of hurting & offending people. That's what caused my anxiety. And fear of being a bad person.

And sometimes it's just the opposite - a fear of getting hurt/laughed/misunderstood. Really awful situation, since as a result it's very hard to get out of your comfort zone. It was my case. 

Self esteem is the key. 

[Charlotte]

@Seed Not at all. When I have a bit more time (later on) I sure will x

[How to be wise]

@Viking All social anxiety boils down to this: when you meet somebody, you have an image in your mind of how they are seeing you, from their perspective, and very quickly your mind holds it as true. Question that image. Is it real? Is that image actually your real face? 

If you stay in these questions for a while, your state of consciousness will change and you will no longer feel social anxiety. 

This happened to me very recently. I suffered social anxiety my whole life, but just a few days ago, this shift in consciousness happened. Now every time I go outside I feel excited when somebody looks at me. It’s the best!

[Viking]

25 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

All social anxiety boils down to this: when you meet somebody, you have an image in your mind of how they are seeing you, from their perspective, and very quickly your mind holds it as true. Question that image. Is it real? Is that image actually your real face? 

wont work for me, because what my fear is not how they see me, but what will I get out of them using that image, will they want to hang out with me, etc. the problem in my case is with a different belief.

maybe what you say does have a part in it.

[Salvijus]

9 hours ago, Charlotte said:

The biggest game changer @Viking  was when faceless told me your mind projects an image of what you should be (very quickly in certain circumstances) once I became conscious of this it literally started to melt away as I could see the hazy images the mind was projecting in the present moment. Sneaky sneaky ??

This is true. When we're around people we tend to be very self-conscious, too mindfull about ourself. Very worried how we look and stuff.

The problem is that we can't relax. We're always alert what's happening around us and how we look. Always stressed not to look bad. To look normal. Just all bunch of fears how to look, how to be in every situation. This is causing anxiety. 

The answer is not self esteem.

Look at the children. They laugh like crazy, they shout and jump and do all the crazy stuff. You think it's because they have strong self esteem? You think an innocent child who's feeling totally at ease with people around him is doing self esteem afirmations? No. The reason a child is so relaxed is because he doesn't give a damn about what people think. He's absolutely mindless, empty, non caring, free from concern. 

That's your answer. These qualities are what will make you authentic and at ease with people. Being absolutely mindless. When other opinions doesn't mean a thing to you. When you're naked and you don't care at all. That's what you're looking for.

Self esteem is not a solution. If lets say you gain self esteem and self confidence today. You meet people and you're so super confident that whatever you say you believe that it's fine. I'm super good. Everything I do is awesome. This gives you same space, it lets you relax more. Now that you think that you're always good you don't worry that you might look bad anymore because you really believe that I'm great. 

This will grow into a big arrogance. Just look how very arrogant people are always seem to be expressing themselfs without any fear of looking bad because they always believe that they are killing it. They think what they do is so great. But they don't have that freedom that if the next moment they make utter fools of themselfs they are still okey. No. They would be terrified. They can't stand looking foolish. That's not freedom. 

What you want is to be a total fool and still be okey. To laugh and dance and sing like a crazy and don't care what people think. This doesn't take any courage or self esteem. This takes a total sense of abandonment. Forgeting yourself totally ? that's way children are so good at being crazy and wild becouse they have no opinions about themself. No courage or self esteem either. 

We on the other hand have strong opinions about ourself and we think by producing a positive image in our heads will solve something. No. Get rid of all opinions about yourself. Go back to zero. 

Self esteem leads to arrogance.

Sense of abandonment leads to innosence and freedom from concerns.

P.S. I like reading these posts of yours. They're somehow honest and with a lot of open-mindedness in them

 

Edit: you think some great sage someone like sadhguru is always at ease because he has a strong self esteem or that he doesn't care at all what people think?

Or why when a person gets drunk he is suddenly so relaxed and easygoing?

Edited November 26, 2018 by Salvijus

[Seed]

@Charlotte no rush... thank you so much!) I don’t have social anxiety, but I am a little on the shy side.. ?

[How to be wise]

@Viking Koan: If you cut a tree from the roots, the trunk will fall with it. 

[Viking]

10 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

@Viking Koan: If you cut a tree from the roots, the trunk will fall with it. 

it will take decades doing that self inquiry bullshit to stop believing im that self image. i doubt i can even do it

[How to be wise]

@Viking I did it in four months. Stop listening to the ‘it will take you decades’ bullshit that Leo rambles about. Yeah, with his techniques it will take decades. But there are others that will take just several months.

[Miguel Oliveira]

@How to be wise what techniques do you recommend?

[DrewNows]

@Seedfor you and anyone else who may be interested in observing the self