How do you control how much you talk about your interests?

[Roch]

I always have an obsession. Right now it’s jews and learning Hebrew. If I’m not careful I’ll end up talking way too much about it or any other thing I’m obsessed with. Why do I feel compelled to talk about it? How do I make it look like a casual and normal interest? At the moment I’m really putting more work into pursuing my interest than I have in the past.

I find part of the reason I’m embarrassed about my interests is because I’m incredibly obsessed with them and at the same time not really committed to working at it. So if I’m not careful I’ll end up talking about Hebrew non-stop, but actually be shitty at it. Being shitty at it isn’t so bad if you’re not obsessed and kind of wishy-washy. But sadly I’m obsessed. I don’t actually know too much Hebrew at the moment, so I don’t like telling people I’m learning it. 

I don’t know how well my “work hard at your secret hobby to avoid talking about it” strategy is working, but I’m sure enjoying my hobby. Even though it involves more work. 

Edited November 23, 2018 by Roch

[Emerald]

9 minutes ago, Roch said:

I always have an obsession. Right now it’s jews and learning Hebrew. If I’m not careful I’ll end up talking way too much about it or any other thing I’m obsessed with. Why do I feel compelled to talk about it? How do I make it look like a casual and normal interest?

In the beginning few dates, I recommend that everyone listen more and talk less. Ask more questions about them to show interest in them as a person. When you answer their questions, keep your replies to a minute or less and avoid rambling on. And maybe don't bring up your obsession during the first date... or only mention it in passing. You may even give them fair warning that you get really into specific topics as well so that they know to expect it in the future. 

Whenever I have a character quirk, and I fear that it will make a conversation awkward with people that I just met, I will mention it so that I don't feel like I have to hide my anxiety around it. So, relative to the social anxiety that I get from time to time, if I feel it flaring up I'll sometimes say, "Hey, sometimes I get social anxiety. So, if I start acting like a spaz, then I apologize. It's not a personal thing though. It just comes up." And this strategy has worked so well in allowing me to be authentic and minimize anxieties. People will usually understand and will feel better if they know why you're acting the way you're acting since they are in the loop.

But during the first couple dates, speak less in general and listen more so that the conversation can go back and forth and flit between different topics. It should be kind of like a tennis game, where the conversation goes back and forth in relatively short and equal amounts of time. 

And garner genuine interest for what he is saying, so that you can listen actively. That way, there is not danger of getting too much into your interest because your focus will be mostly on learning about him and keeping the conversation going back and forth as opposed to getting us much information communicated to him as possible and talking a ton about your current passion. But when you do answer his questions and share, it should be eclectic and broad relative to your life and shouldn't be focused to deeply on one aspect.

 

[Eric Tarpall]

You want to share information with people because you want validation or permission. The solution is to follow this rule: Keep Everything Secret. (KES - This acronym helps you remember) Stop telling people what you've done in the past. And stop telling people what you're going to do in the future. This will feel lonely at first but you will reach levels of independence that most people will never taste.

[Annoynymous]

@Emerald was your suggestion only for female or does that include males also?

[Emerald]

52 minutes ago, Annoynymous said:

@Emerald was your suggestion only for female or does that include males also?

Good advice regardless of gender.