Help:Advise! Hitting myself and severe self-sabotage

[Matt23]

Hey.  So I've had this going on for a couple years now.  

I've had a pretty rough past 5 or 6 years.  Ever since I graduated in 2010.  Growing up I suppose I often felt bullied by my brother and some sort of negative feelings generally (with family more so), but I never thought anything of it and don't know if I had any particularly severe forms of abuse or neglect.  Part of me is starting to think so because of the trauma and severely negative feelings and behaviors I've experienced since graduating.  

Currently, whenever I have to "go out on my own" in society and take care of myself, I seem to really hit rock bottom and pull myself down.  But whenever I'm in a community setting, or a place where I know that people will be there that I can interact with I do much better.  I lived at an outdoor lodge this summer and it was a tight knit community and I did much better.  Even though I still experienced similar negativity, it was much less severe.  

The self-sabotage looks something like this.  Currently my work at the lodge is over and I'm at my moms and am about to leave to move to another city and work.  Now, when I try to do my morning routine or contemplate, the resistance is so bug that my body (I) starts shaking and my left arm tenses so much and, if I don't put lots of effort into controlling it or if I continue to do the exercises, I will start hitting myself.  

I will also start binge eating again.  And watching porn.  But mostly the eating.  My thoughts also turn really nasty towards my self.  Like "Sit the fuck down!" and "Die motherfucker die!  Go fuck yourself!".  

Also, whenever I know I have to do something that would be healthy for me, physically, but more psychologically and emotionally, (like express my self truly, or stand up for myself, or do the things I want to do that make me happy and choose wisely my friends, etc, I will deliberately not do them and pull myself down.  It's like I'm being a child who will not cooperate or do what's needed to be happy and healthy.  

It's like a fuck everything attitude.  Or an "I hate everything and everyone" attitude.

I've also come across this notion that "I'm not a good person", which is quite strong I think.  And It's come across as "I'm terrible," or "awful" etc.

There's also often/always a tight feeling in my chest.  Like a searing, or a tinge.  

I feel like I'll ruin my life, almost deliberately, even though I see the potential in me and love and the opportunities to connect with others and that others do like me (sometimes :)).  It's like there's life and love and all these wonderful possibilities.  Things I can do that I see in myself and the world.  But then there's this part of me that says "Nope.  Not for you.  You're not good enough.  You deserve to rot and die in hell."  And this makes me so broken hearted.

Does anyone have any ideas or techniques or areas to start exploring to work on and uncover what this is and to heal it?

Anything would be muchly appreciated.

 

Matthew

[Healingheart]

Hey man,

I just read your story. I feel for you. 

These feelings have to come from somewhere. 

 

I have the same feeling, this knot in my chest. It's where your heart chakra is located. I've been going to therapy for a few months now, and soemtimes it flinches and opens for a few seconds. This is a sign that you don't love yourself enough. It takes work. 

 

''I never thought anything of it and don't know if I had any particularly severe forms of abuse or neglect.'' Same thing with me, I denied the fact that my mothed abused me and that she didn't love me.        These are coping mechanism. Your mind distords reality so you can survive without feeling the emotions, wich eventually you'll have to do cause you'll get physical pains (pain in chest, not being flexibel, no focus,..) But you are not me, so maybe it's something else.

 

If you ever want to chat or skype, feel free to send me something.

 

I wish you the best!

[Martin123]

@Matt23 Hi Matthew. What youre describing is an angry inner child, which results in the "sabotage" part of your matter - the child wont let you have your success until you do it justice.
You talked about your childhood and being bullied by your brother. The ways in which you try to discipline yourself - meditation, quitting porn, having a healthy diet, keeping your thoughts on track - it is almost as if there was a part of you that was taking the side of the people who have caused hurt, trauma and pain in your past, it turned into a critical inner bully, telling you what to do and bossing you around.
And your inner child says - Oh fuck no!
Give the pain of your past a voice, let it be valid, let it be truthful, let it be valuable. Let your inner child know that you care. Let your inner child know that it will not get the treatment it received from abusive people in the past, let it know that you will treat it differently. Dont try to silence your mind, meditate for hours or discipline yourself in rigid ways. Instead, if you wanna do a spiritual practice, sit down, tune into your body and give yourself permission to feel and think whatever arises within you. And let it be witnessed and valid.
Moreover, let your inner child know that you are now willing to love it. Let it know that it deserves the love it never received in your pas. Let it know that the abuse is done, and nothing but appreciation, safety and love will come from you onto you - onto your painful emotions, onto your painful thoughts and onto all the things that seem to be barriers, blockages and saboteurs of your aspiration.
Let your heart know that love is arrived within your being and it is not going anywhere until it swallows your personal turmoil whole. 

Edited November 23, 2018 by Martin123

[Nahm]

@Matt23 I used to “bring me & my past” into this moment too. So much so that I didn’t know what people even meant by ‘seeing reality as it is’. I also started the practices, I’ve also hit myself. Literally hit my head so hard I barfed, and had to go to the hospital, had a mild concussion. Not a fan of you hitting yourself, but loving what comes next. 

It comes out, clears out, with creative expression too. Journaling, singing, sketching, painting, creating your own well being / alignment - all powerful. Therapy, talking to a good listener, also more powerful than you may know yet. 

These are things you can do, which ultimately, no matter your path, reveal the present. Past & future thinking, “what I am” thinking - just gift wrap. 

Can you pin point how it is that anyone is giving you these negative experiences?  That hard to face, that it’s your perspective. You’ve gta lot of conditioning, repetitive negative thinking, about yourself. 

A moment will come when the mood changes. When you just get so ick f the rollercoaster, the bullshit, the suffering, that you will literally do anything to make it stop. Even create who you’re gonna be. 

That tight feeling in your chest is You, The Higher Self, The Inner Being, Truth. It is because it is the Truth that it can not go there with you, when you choose to think ill of yourself. When you feel that, listen to the message. You are The One. It’s admittedly obvious and easy to miss, but consider, you’ve not ever been two. That would not actually be possible. 

[Matt23]

Thanks both of you guys for the support.  It's really nice to know there's people here I can talk to and get advice from . 

@Healingheart Thanks for the offer, and vice versa.  I'm currently practicing cultivating that feeling of love every day.  I think it's taking the edge off.  Especially in times where I'm feeling extra negative or having really difficult negative emotions.  It seems to cut through lots most of the time.

@Martin123  I'll give your advice a try and see what happens.  I've felt I've been pushing and grinding out these strict things (meditation and other spiritual practices especially) for a few years now and it seems that it hasn't done too much and sometimes makes things worse.  It's like I'm hitting my head against a wall.  My meditation habit, even after 4 or so years, still feels like a real drag to maintain.  I'm going to try out what you said along with doing some more shadow work.

If anything happens I'll let you know.  

Thanks again to both of you.

Much love.

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 11/23/2018 at 9:22 PM, Martin123 said:

The ways in which you try to discipline yourself - meditation, quitting porn, having a healthy diet, keeping your thoughts on track - it is almost as if there was a part of you that was taking the side of the people who have caused hurt, trauma and pain in your past, it turned into a critical inner bully, telling you what to do and bossing you around.

Yes! 

On 11/23/2018 at 9:22 PM, Martin123 said:

Dont try to silence your mind, meditate for hours or discipline yourself in rigid ways.

Yes!! 

 

Here's my two cents: I think you'd be better off living with other people. A good community can really help us not fall into a spiral of negativity. We all need a support network. 

I'd also suggest you practice self-acceptance. Leo has a great episode about that. 

 

30 minutes ago, Matt23 said:

My meditation habit, even after 4 or so years, still feels like a real drag to maintain.

Avoid forcing spiritual practices too much.

 

Here's an article I think might be helpful: https://jackkornfield.com/return-joy/. Here's a quote from it: 

Quote

Spiritual practice should not be confused with grim duty. It is the wonder born with every child. Maurice Sendak, author of Where the Wild Things Are, depicts this spirit in the story of a boy who wrote to him. “He sent me a charming card with a drawing. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters—sometimes very hastily—but this one I lingered over. I sent him a postcard and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, ‘Dear Jim, I loved your card.’Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, ‘Jim loved your card so much he ate it.’That to me was one of the highest compliments I’ve ever received. He didn’t care that it was an original drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it.”

 

All the best! ✨ 

Edited November 28, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[Matt23]

@Gabriel Antonio Thanks for the thoughts.  Yes, community has definitely been something that has, in the past, helped me a great deal and significantly reduced my neuroses.

I guess I fear not sticking to a spiritual practice rigidly because I fear I will "fall" and lose all the work I've done.  I'm scared I won't get what I want or develop myself enough to survive in the world or be happy.  It's like all the negativity I've experienced has made me, probably, super strict with myself out of fear of slipping back into the sludge.  

I will try to, wherever I am, to create that close-knit community for sure as I realize its importance for me now.  It's great to know that there's also people here.  So mucho mucho gracias!