Mistaking Kindness For Weakness

[nightlight]

Hola amigos

I am - more or less frequently - encountering the problem, that my kindness is understood as weakness by other people. The bad thing is that this happens especially with people who are close to me.

Now I wanted to ask you guys for your thoughts on this. But let me make something clear before starting the discussion. I do NOT want to hear things like "you know, they are just ignorant, disfunctional people, you should actually get a lot of respect for your positive behaviour, you are doing everything well, they are bad, ..., blablabla" ==> since I encounter this problem with multiple people, it is obvious that this is a problem of mine and not of them. And even if they were guilty to some degree too, I am totally aware of the fact that I can change myself, but I cannot change them.

So let's focus on the mindset and behaviour a person should have, who wants to be kind AND who wants to get his fair amount of respect too.

Thank you guys for sharing your thoughts on this issue.

Love,

nightlight

[Isle of View]

First of all, why do you want to appear kind?

How does it help you?

How do you think to help others when you are kind?

 

Or:

Why do you want that people actually see you as a kind person? How would it help you?

 

And, to really unlock your belief system:

What does kindness represent to you? Is there a connotation of weakness in your definition of kindness?

 

Don't answer right away. Take your time. Contemplate on the above questions.

 

Kind regards, 
Chris

[Natasha]

@nightlight Kindness is a quality of strength, a sign of an understanding and compassionate heart. It's reaching out to the world saying "I accept you"  It's never wasted. 

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by Natasha

[Emerald]

29 minutes ago, nightlight said:

Hola amigos

I am - more or less frequently - encountering the problem, that my kindness is understood as weakness by other people. The bad thing is that this happens especially with people who are close to me.

Now I wanted to ask you guys for your thoughts on this. But let me make something clear before starting the discussion. I do NOT want to hear things like "you know, they are just ignorant, disfunctional people, you should actually get a lot of respect for your positive behaviour, you are doing everything well, they are bad, ..., blablabla" ==> since I encounter this problem with multiple people, it is obvious that this is a problem of mine and not of them. And even if they were guilty to some degree too, I am totally aware of the fact that I can change myself, but I cannot change them.

So let's focus on the mindset and behaviour a person should have, who wants to be kind AND who wants to get his fair amount of respect too.

Thank you guys for sharing your thoughts on this issue.

Love,

nightlight

Be kind but also be firm in your boundaries. Say no often. Stick to your guns. Show yourself love and respect. Don't self-sacrifice.

[nightlight]

Oh wow you can get some fast and awesome replies here!!

@Isle of View

Quote

First of all, why do you want to appear kind?

Well actually I think I want to be kind, not to appear kind. Because it just feels good to me to be kind and to help people.

BUT

Quote

Don't answer right away. Take your time. Contemplate on the above questions.

I think your right and should think a bit more about your words. Maybe there is really a part of me that wants to appear kind. I will contemplate. Your answer seems pretty rich to me.

[Natasha]

@nightlight Sometimes I encounter people who I feel force their 'kindness' on me, and if I don't respond in a desirable to them  manner, they would act offended/ resentful. This is a neurotic, passive-agressive kind of 'kindness', like one is trying to get approval from others or something. Another kind of fake 'kindness' is when people do it just to feel good about themselves, not out of genuine care towards another person. Forced 'kindness' never works. If your words/ acts of kindness come across as though you're trying too hard or if they makes people resent you, perhaps you need to re-examine your motives. 

[Isle of View]

55 minutes ago, nightlight said:

1 hour ago, Isle of View said:

First of all, why do you want to appear kind?

Well actually I think I want to be kind, not to appear kind. Because it just feels good to me to be kind and to help people.

Thank you.

Here some good definitions of being kind.

Quote

kind (adjective) 

1 : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others;
wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others

• A kind old woman took the cat in and nursed it back to health.
• It was very kind of you to show me the way.
• Thank you for your kind words.
• a kind smile

— often + to

• My uncle has always been very kind to me.

2 — used to say that something does not cause harm, is not harsh or unpleasant, etc. — usually + to

• Old age has been very kind to her: she still looks great at 84.
• a soap that is kind to your hands
• The critics have not been kind to her latest novel. [=they have harshly criticized her latest novel]

3 — used to make a formal request

• Would you be kind enough to show me the way?
• Would you be so kind as to show me the way? [=would you please show me the way?]

source: http://www.learnersdictionary.com/definition/kind

 

Be kind. Don't try to be kind to get approval. They'll spot it and will think you are in the need to compensate something or other.

Still contemplate on the above questions.

What is it that you're after? If kindness is realized, would you still care what people will think? I mean if it's part of your beingness, not something that you "need/want to be". 

:-)

~Chris

[Philip]

@nightlight My advice here is to not have an answer to that question you're asking us. Hold in your mind the possibility of you being kind as well as the possibility of you being weak.

Don't fall for one or the other just yet.

Get squeezed between the two.

Suffer.

Feel the pain of confusion.

Maybe something good will come out of this. Maybe not. But you don't care. Just make yourself confused as fuck for the sake of truth.

[Anicko]

What does it mean to you to "be kind"? If you are behaving in a truly kind way with pure intentions and actual desire to do something, you can't be taken advantage of. 

It's when you think you are being kind, going out of your way, and probably didn't really truly want to do it in the first place that you find yourself in trouble. 

Watch your motivations for the "kind" things you do. What are you thinking and feeling? You'll find your answer there. 

[nightlight]

Thank you guys! Summing up your information I think the biggest point is to be mindful on the motivation of being kind. And therefore not to be kind whenever it conflicts with my own values and goals.

This is great advice. I will be more conscient on this topic from now on.

[Draconis Chaser]

I'd just add this little thing- watch for the promise land of being kind.
Kindness often doesn't pay, and you get little to no recognition for being kind. If you have problems with that, than maybe you are comig from the "Fake-kindness", as @Natasha said, state of mind. 

I did a lot of that  because, you know, I am a nice, kind person who does nice kind things. And I stopped doing that when I realised that I was being kind for recognition and not for the sake of being kind. 

In my oppinion, when you get to the state of wanting to help for the sake helping, and expecting absolutely nothing in return, then we are talking about real kindness. Someone wishes you evil, and irregardles you are kind towards them because you want to be, expecting no difference in their behaviour, then I'd say that is the real kindness.

 

 

 

[David1]

On 6-4-2016 at 11:08 PM, nightlight said:

I am - more or less frequently - encountering the problem, that my kindness is understood as weakness by other people. The bad thing is that this happens especially with people who are close to me.

Don't let anyone tell you what or who you are. That is your privilege alone. It would be weakness to allow that. It is very disempowering. That doesn't mean you can't use critisism to grow, but only if you agree with it.