"Friends" Dilemma

[VictorB02]

Background info: I have a group of "friends" in my graduating class that I have kinda been on and off with ever since 4th grade (on & off as in there has been times when we were younger that they would almost shun me? And I could feel the whole group of them have something against me). Although we were "cool" this past year, I've never really hung out with them on my free time, and none of them really take the time to reach out to me and talk to me, but when we run into each other, they seem all happy and what not to see me. (Acting fake?)

The point of this post: I am in a group chat on Snapchat with this same group of friends. We all graduated last year, and everyone is back for thanksgiving break. 6 of them (the main 6 that always hang out) all got together to go rent out a cabin together, and they keep sending videos to the group chat of them partying and laughing, Knowing that the other 2 members of the group chat,  me and my (ironically) best friend are not with them. 

I can't help but feel they are doing it on purpose, like sort of a subliminal "F*** you", But I know better than to assume. 

The dilemma: I have this deep urge to leave the group chat, but snapchat has a notification for all the members when someone leaves, so If I leave, they will definitely know.

I am facing a dilemma because on one hand I don't want to leave and have them think I'm mad at them (I don't want to do something that makes any interaction in the world awkward) And on the other hand I want to just leave because I'm getting real sick of being apart of the group, when I don't even talk to any of them, and they keep hanging out together and sending snaps of them hanging to the chat (knowing me and my best friend will see)

My Question for the forum: What would you do if you were in my situation? Is it right of me to just leave? Or should I just stay and not care that they keep sending snaps?

Any response will be much appreciated. Thanks

[111111]

1 hour ago, VictorB02 said:

My Question for the forum: What would you do if you were in my situation? Is it right of me to just leave? Or should I just stay and not care that they keep sending snaps?

The problem isn't in how your so called "friends" treat you, but in the way YOU view the problem. 

The question you should be asking yourself: Is it right for me to be the same person I was a year ago, or rather evolve to such heights that all of my so called "friends" will fall behind? 

Are you playing their game or your game?

Are you here to solve another issue of your current self or rather fix the source of that issue?

 

Edited November 21, 2018 by 111111

[Wyze]

I left.

I couldn't handle it anymore. They expected me to behave a certain way, speak certain way, talk about certain things, value certain things etc etc. If I don't; expect a lot of backlash. I couldn't be the inauthentic me anymore. It was exhausting to act just to keep the peace.

Expect alot of fall out, and alot more bitchying when you leave.

The way I view it; hey its better for me and for them. Now we clear up space to find other people who match our worldview/values and life goals.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Wyze

[Salvijus]

6 hours ago, VictorB02 said:

My Question for the forum: What would you do if you were in my situation? Is it right of me to just leave? Or should I just stay and not care that they keep sending snaps?

Any response will be much appreciated. Thanks

I've been in the same situation.

I've been on a classroom chat then when the school ended. After a year or smth I thought what am I still doing there. And resisted to leave because everybody will know

Anyways I just did it. I just left it. First few days I thought oh what will they think of me. Am I being unfriendly. Then I forgot about them. Now I feel great. It was annoying bondage in the end.

My advise - just do it. It will hurt for 2-3days. Then you will feel great.

[bejapuskas]

@VictorB02  I don't know if they are the right friends for you, if you are a high-achiever... But it still seems that you have some inner problems, as if you were anxious or something... Try looking for that.

[Elisabeth]

Just leave.

Or tell them that you are bothered.

Or both.

Maybe they are not doing it on purpose, but you are still bothered. If you want to keep communication lines open, you could say something along the lines of "Sorry guys I don't care about videos of you having fun. I'm leaving the group chat now. If any of you want to hang out with me, feel free to contact me in other ways." Then leave.

That's not making conflict. That's having a boundary.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Enizeo]

@VictorB02 I am hesitant to tell you what you should do, but since you specifically asked for what I would do: I would leave the group chat, remove the people from my life (they don't really play a role anyway from what you wrote) and own that decision. Meaning that if I'd happen to meet them, I'd just be cool about it, be nice, I have no reason to be butthurt after all. If they ask me specifically about the thing, I'd just tell them exactly what I felt but without making a big deal out of it (it isn't a big deal after all).

I suggest you take a few minutes and get very clear about what you want (in terms of relationships in general and in terms of that specific relationship). That will ground you and also inform all action steps. Be a #strategicmotherfucker

[fewrocker]

Realize that this situation is really triggering your lower self. All this game was pulling you back to lower levels. Do what you need to do to go back to your high self. There are two main options

 

a) If you don't see this group as being useful to your personal development: Leave and deconstruct the situation. How weird is it that they're doing that? How weird is it that you're so bothered because of this low level behavior they have? Is this being healthy to you?

b) If you feel like the situation is bad, but they're kind of cool people that can push you further as a person: Reinterpret. Contemplate about the situation and realize there is not much to bother you if you're doing your development stuff, if you're spending your time well, if you're pursuing your purpose, etc. I feel like a lot of people that get stuck with a bad group of friends are giving way too much important to that group of friends, and in fact you can focus on your other pursuits, derive meaning, belonging and self-esteem from that, and then you can actually interact with the same exact group without being so triggered

[VictorB02]

@111111 @Wyze @Salvijus @bejapuskas @Elisabeth @Enizeo @fewrocker

I want to thank you all so much for your amazing replies. 

After contemplating all of your replies, and looking deep within to what I intuitively felt, I decided to leave. 

I figure that it is the best thing for me, and as many as you said, that group chat was only holding back and keeping me being my lower self. 

As for me now: I will look into the source of the issue in the first place, and why the videos they sent triggered something deep within me (maybe unsure of myself, fear of exclusion?).

Thank you all again for helping me out. This forum is really an invaluable resource.

[RichardY]

If you're addicted to something including social networking, you can't be friends.  Addicts can't be friends. Similar to what Aristotle said about not, having slaves as friends.

[bejapuskas]

@VictorB02 You welcome  Just stop caring what other people think about you, you dont have to become toxic or resentful to them, just leave, maybe tell them something so that they understand you... If they dont understand you, they are not really your friends or they are just kidding around... Its not really their fault to be like that...  I have actually stopped talking to my friends, I dont participate in many things they do, but we can still chat sometimes, if one of us needs something or we just feel like having some fun together... Its not anything THAT serious  

[SgtPepper]

so what if they're showcasing their activities. Isn't that the point of snapchat? do you not do the same thing to others? maybe not through snapchat, but maybe you'll hit up your closest friend and tell them about an excellent book you got or whatever. It's like the same thing.

If they're not really your friends then yeah I would probably leave the group chat; otherwise they could just be sending you those videos to coax you to come out with them which is something you should decide.

As long as you do not participate in the activities of the group, then naturally yeah, the connection between you and your friends will slowly dissolve. It is up to you what kind of connection you want to maintain or keep. Some require more frequency and others can be like meeting a particular friend once or twice a year to keep up with each other's development in life. That's my experience anyways so good luck ? 

[Nathan99]

Just delete Snapchat and save yourself the trouble. Your streaks will end, and you will fall of the grid a little bit. But dude if you want to get anywhere in this type of personal development, social media should be the first thing to go. You might regret it at first but your future self will thank you, and your friends won't even know that you're not getting their snaps! 

[bejapuskas]

Guys, your advice is definitely useful, but keep in mind that Victor should not become resentful in the process, it can seem like you are suggesting him that, even though you arent, to someone who has just started this journey... 

Quitting social media and non-supportive people can surely help, just not become hateful and anxious with them, thats what I am trying to say here... You dont have to suddenly start hating them, just dont participate in the actions you dont resonate with... Also find some ACTUAL friends, who push and support you, understand you... It might be dangerous to isolate yourself completely

[VictorB02]

@bejapuskas Yes. I agree. You can always love, even if it involves me leaving the chat.

@SgtPepper It is the point of the app, but usually you send things like that privately to the people you are with, not to people who aren't even there. But really, it doesn't really matter at all. After deleting the app, I see how ridiculous this is in the grand scheme

@Nathan99 I have deleted every single social media app besides snapchat because I like the memory feature it has where you can save video memories easily to the cloud. Maybe I will find another way to save my memories and just delete it al together.

@bejapuskas Thank you. I have actually tried the whole "im pissed at you guys and want you to know it" thing and I can say that it is a bad option. I choose to respond with love this time, all while respecting my boundaries and what I value.

I actually have two best friends who will always be there to support me, and a girlfriend who I have been with for 4 years, so Im in no way isolating myself completely. 

[SFRL]

 

[bejapuskas]

@VictorB02  I am happy you got it  Hatred is never a good option, why would you ever hate someone, when it causes YOU actual bad feelings? It's mad!  

[VictorB02]

@bejapuskas yasss I’m with you

[ajasatya]

@VictorB02 say what you feel and explain why you want to leave the group in a polite way. then leave the group.

extra instructions: uninstall snapchat from your device.