Borderline Mother, Repercussions on my health

[Benoit Jazy]

Hello everyone,

Until now I didn't realize the problem was so deep. I just saw my mother and she is totally invasive, it's hard to explain. She has serious abandonment issues from her childhood.

I've tried a lot, setting healthy boundaries, keeping my ground while in conversation (I don't have that much power honestly), not looking at her eyes, avoiding spending time with her. 

NOTHING works. It's getting worse and worse as she feels her children leave the family cocoon. My father tries to get her to therapy.

I feel drained of all life and totally sick.

Today was just too much. I actually left home in a state of shock. I was trembling and in a fight or flight type of situation. 3 hours laters I am still shocked.

If I put a step at right, she would be in front of me and not letting me. Same left. Then she would try to force "a hug" and invade me. If I wanted to leave, she would follow me. I feel like she is Dracula's incarnation. I am totally overwhelmed and don't know what to do.

Even though I live not at their house anymore, I don't feel safe all. 

I thought about what Leo said : sometimes you must just cut with people when it's irreparable. Yet you see it's the kind of person who might do crazy stuff if you just cut them off.... 

And at the same time, I can't carry her weight on my shoulders anymore. I am concerned for my own mental health. It is NOT my responsibility to deal with her problems and I am even thinking going another country so she won't follow me there.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

[YaNanNallari]

I'm in a similar situation, although not nearly as bad. Thinking about leaving parents behind for good, definitely feeling unsafe with them. You can try to find a middle way solution. Taking good distance from them, even completely cutting them off, but still acknowledging the mental effect all of that has had on you and learning to process those things. Taking it a bit slow with your own mind and letting things play out naturally might be one option, as it might give you peace of mind to not overthink leaving them, leaving a more compassionate feeling for them too, so that they won't do crazy things.

[Athena]

I feel your pain. I ran from my mother all my life.....married now with kids...still running, she wants to live with me. 

It is really hard to cut off parents. Your mind plays all these games on you.

[Nahm]

@Benoit Jazy Can you make the distinction, between what is in your awareness, and a thought about something, which is not in your awareness?

[Benoit Jazy]

@Pat Pagano @YaNanNallari Thank you, it really helps. I think that indeed I need to try therapy at this point. I've always been suspicious about psychotherapists and psychiatrists, but maybe I should give it a try.. 

I didn't want to admit until now that my parents have some serious issues, and that I grew up in an abusive childhood but I can't deny it anymore. And surely it has some repercussions on my life. I begin working with a healer, but as I am now exploring the unconscious, it is very painful to see what was repressed in there..

@Nahm I can tell that thoughts about what happened cycle in my mind, and that anxiety and fear are very present. 

I sometimes doubt all I learned so far. I used to spiritually bypass to avoid dealing with the plain truth that we are human beings dealing with a a complicated stuff by just saying oh no worries it's all a dream in awareness, it's lessons to make you grow, all is well......But that doesn't work.

I see what you are pointing at though, and it's very clear, the situation itself is not in awareness right now. It is a relief

 

 

Edited November 21, 2018 by Benoit Jazy

[Nahm]

@Benoit Jazy  

Bypass? No. That would be a shame. A cosmic waste, an “unexamined life”.

Were it not for his suffering and ours, how could Leo live his dream? What tour could there be? How could I write this book? Where would my lyrics come from? The calling is to be appreciated, the response is self discovery, truth, Love - but the plot is at first a mystery, why that response is hidden just beyond reaction, how awareness hides Just behind the thoughts. Who could bare the pain of a wallflower with a dance partner like duality?

You at work, home, busy, alone?   Try somethin for a minute? Maybe three?

 

[Benoit Jazy]

I'm home, alone. Yes sure, ready to try 

[Martin123]

@Benoit Jazy Hi Benoit. I want you to know how deepty I empahtize with your struggle, and I want you to know that it is of great importance and courage just becoming aware of it.

I wanna tell you briefly about the relationship with my mother, and how it has evolved over the course of my healing journey. 
My mom has always been a lot like you are describing. It was as if she pretended to love me and appreciate me, and then make it my job to meet her emotional needs. This is completely devastating to a child, and left me absolutely and completely twisted in knots. I didnt know what was happening, it was as if I was being lied to my entire life. I was incredibly insecure about my looks and my sacral chakra was reduced to ashes by what was done to me. 
This kind of dynamic leaves you in an interesting place where there are two parts of you, one of them knows that something is terribly wrong and that you are being mistreated, abused, and your boundaries are being violated to an insane degree. On the other hand, it looks like everything is fine. Mother does everything she is supposed to right? She seems to care, provide, support... what else is there to need? So why do I feel so weird about that? Why do I even feel like I dont love her? And why am I always blamed and made feel guilty every time I set a boundary for myself and want something other than she does?
And so there I was, my entire childhood - what I was told was love, was merely a clever way of manipulating me into getting her way. It was so clever that everyone around her and around the family was convinced about how incredibly wonderful of a mother she was. It was so deep that she convinced herself. And yet there I am, feeling insatiable amounts of pain, insecurity, betrayal and mistrust towards my mother.

And so I wanna suggest to you, what I know I needed to hear and realize for myself. 
Do what you feel you gotta do. Dont be afraid to trust yourself. It might even feel like you are betraying your mother or family, or like youre being a "bad child" right, but those are just the patterns of manipulation being buffed out of you emotionally. It is your birthright of reclaiming your own emotional needs. You are noones caretaker, you are noones servant, and especially not when it is applied to any of your parents. Nothing should be required of you regarding your parents, and it absolutely is not (as you said) your responsibility to carry their weight on your shoulders. That is merely your mothers incapability of escpaing the chains of codependency, that you have been entangled in throughout your childhood. Trust your feelings regarding your mother, and btw if moving countries is something you feel like will benefit you and give you time to recover from the emotional abuse, I would not see any problem in that (I personally moved countries and I am so grateful for the space it gave me to resolve my family trauma).