Stuck.

[Aaron p]

On 20/11/2018 at 9:48 PM, Nadosa said:

I just wish I would feel somehow, somewhere "whole" again, but I feel dissociated, not really from the body, but within my mind.

@Nadosa yo mate I'm pretty sure that's a  good thing

[Nadosa]

Identifying with the self is horrifying, as soon as it has its grip on me, I feel like I have no control, suicidal thoughts creep in, but not really coming from a deathwish, it comes from a part where I see no way out when the self is active. Sooner or later when surrender happens, peace, or rather just absence of the self, but in the background there is always this sense of "no control" and "no identity". It makes me ill, physically and psychologically, especially when I try to seek a self unconsciously, it makes me sick, because this self wants itself dead or feels like it has died, so there is no one to seek, this can turn out into a pretty horrible deadlock, which I experienced today. The feeling of no control is really difficult to "handle" for me, because as soon as I want to seek stability by creating a self in my mind, those two parts, "self" and "no control" collide. I dont know what to do. How do I know awareness is truth and not the self?

[ground]

5 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I dont know what to do. How do I know awareness is truth and not the self?

Actually there is no truth independent of imputation. If you cannot deal with that but keep on chasing after truth and only suffering prevails because of not being able to let go then there will inevitably emerge a point when medical and/or psychotherapist help is advisable.