Stuck.

[Nadosa]

I dont know if it is because of my poor state of consciousness at the moment, but right now I feel like I have to either decide to listen to the ego what means going psychotic or doing some crazy shit or simply surrendering. My mind is on fire. It seeks and seeks for a self, but there is none, it seeks for itself, it believes itself has died, it feels like it revealed itself as being not real and now it tries everything to get back and it just so exhausting, so damn exhausting because there is no ground, no security, it is just a mere decision whether to live on your life surrendering the Ego. I get thoughts of "if I died what is aware now" which turns out into some crazy feelings I rather do not want to follow. This all feels so unnatural, something in my mind feels just broken. I dont know how to get back after knowing that there is no "I", I rather feel groundless. Every attempt looking in the mind is fatal. The thing is...slowing down the process isnt working because I am already, unconsciously so deep in it, there is no way out slower. At the moment, I still look for an appropriate meditation technique, some turn out into me zooming out, kinda leaving my body and watching it, even though I want to have a deeper connection to it.

Edited November 20, 2018 by Nadosa

[ground]

If one is not  prepared then approaching the ultimate can be frightening or depressing. It is not the ultimate that is frightening or depressing but one's inappropriate state of mind causes fright or depression.

Perhaps for the time being it would be better to focus on something that lightens up your mind. In meditation you may focus or visualize something positive, that causes gratitude, devotion or love. Mind is like a field that needs moisture and nutrients to be able to bear fruit.

[Javfly33]

How are you sleeping? Force yourself in this days to socialize or o sport, it automatically make your mind less maniatic and maybe will get something positive out of it.

[Nadosa]

Hm, I sleep worse than normally and I also look more tired, but that is caused by existential anxiety. 

[Forestluv]

@Nadosa I've also experienced existential anxiety and panic during consciousness evolution. My ego has struggled to maintain control of the internal narrative in my mind. At times it felt like I was losing my mind. This ego was particularly afraid of the uncertainty of what might happen if it let go of control. It through out all sorts of scary ideas and images to hinder progress. Thoughts like "If you surrender to this 'whatever' you have no idea what could happen!! You could go insane, lose your job, harm other people. Don't go there!!"

What helped me proceed was a realization that all of these thoughts of self, fear, anxiety, stories are *within* something much more expansive. Then, a curiosity began to arise. . . If thise self/ego is within something more expansive, what's in the expansiveness? Then a wonderful exploration can begin. 

It's not like the self has to surrender itself to some psychotic monster. What exists beyond the ego is more beautiful, magnificent and peaceful than anything the self could imagine.

[Nadosa]

I just wish I would feel somehow, somewhere "whole" again, but I feel dissociated, not really from the body, but within my mind.

[Forestluv]

@Nadosa Lisa Cairns helped me with my incomplete / fragmented inner experience. She teaches from the heart, not the head. That's what I needed at that time 

[ground]

1 minute ago, Nadosa said:

I just wish I would feel somehow, somewhere "whole" again, but I feel dissociated, not really from the body, but within my mind.

Wholeness is spontaneously present and unbounded. Grasping "I" is veil.

[Nadosa]

Just now, ground said:

Wholeness is spontaneously present and unbounded. Grasping "I" is veil.

I get that, but both should be somehow in balance.

[ground]

2 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I get that, but both should be somehow in balance.

Sure. Integration is what is called "practice".

[EvilAngel]

Just sit down and meditate RIGHT NOW. Focus on your breath, become fully present and SURRENDER. It's not that difficult.

[Nadosa]

It is really difficult to find a sense of stability, then there is the self saying "life makes no sense because I dont exist", the self feels equally "valid" as awareness. I dont know, this feeling of choice is killing me. 

There is peace. Then there is the self interfering, accordingly the peace feels false and all seems like a lie.

Edited November 20, 2018 by Nadosa

[ground]

@Nadosa  you are perfect. Don't try to change. Just be.

[Nadosa]

I am going to bed very nervously, should I meditate before sleep or in the morning?

[EvilAngel]

4 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I am going to bed very nervously, should I meditate before sleep or in the morning?

Go to bed and be aware of your breathing. That should help. 

[ground]

3 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I am going to bed very nervously, should I meditate before sleep or in the morning?

Listen to your inner intelligence and you know what to do. you are perfect and can rely on your intuitions. Have a good sleep.

[Nadosa]

I dont know if this is awakening. It just feels like a literal sacrifice of my self.

[WelcometoReality]

@Nadosa What helped me during similiar times was getting more in touch with my body. Exercise is a way to drain away resistances that may arise.

Also the thoughts occuring might be connected with feelings in the body. Explore those feelings without mentally label them.

[Principium Nexus]

@Nadosa Follow that path you rather don't want to look. Go for it, you will end up suffering by running away from something you don't really understand yet or even have a possibility of relief as you see it can be a place of tranquillity and peace.

I had this dream once where I was running away for something, it was a dark entity and I did not know what it was, my fear was thus only in not knowing what was following my as I was running. There was a moment in the dream where I realized that my fear was continuously held alive because I did not want to face the unknowable. I took courage and told myself I rather want to see in full detail what makes me fear than running away for something that is only grounded in emotion but not rationality or understanding.

Once I faced the entity the dream comically halted as if a movie director just called for a break, the thing was nothing and I was actually running away from myself, not wanting to face this unknowable. That moment the dream turned into a vivid dream where I could explore every part of this interesting dream reality that was presented to me, in complete peace, without rush to fear or the need to go anywhere, infinite detail of texture and beauty presented itself as I was mesmerized with the things I did not notice before due to the emotional layer that was covering my perception.

[FoxFoxFox]

On 11/20/2018 at 9:04 PM, Nadosa said:

I dont know if it is because of my poor state of consciousness at the moment, but right now I feel like I have to either decide to listen to the ego what means going psychotic or doing some crazy shit or simply surrendering. My mind is on fire. It seeks and seeks for a self, but there is none, it seeks for itself, it believes itself has died, it feels like it revealed itself as being not real and now it tries everything to get back and it just so exhausting, so damn exhausting because there is no ground, no security, it is just a mere decision whether to live on your life surrendering the Ego. I get thoughts of "if I died what is aware now" which turns out into some crazy feelings I rather do not want to follow. This all feels so unnatural, something in my mind feels just broken. I dont know how to get back after knowing that there is no "I", I rather feel groundless. Every attempt looking in the mind is fatal. The thing is...slowing down the process isnt working because I am already, unconsciously so deep in it, there is no way out slower. At the moment, I still look for an appropriate meditation technique, some turn out into me zooming out, kinda leaving my body and watching it, even though I want to have a deeper connection to it.

Simply surrender. That would be best.

A quiet mind would do you very good at this stage. You have already realized that the mind is incapable of finding its own source and is making you miserable. 

I suggest you practice inquiry. Whenever a thought arises, without completing it, cling to the "I-ness" that is inherent in every thought (for example in "My mind is on fire" you are admitting that there is a 'me' or 'I' that is the owner of the mind) and eliminate everything else. At some point you should be comfortable with realizing that this "I-ness" is Sat, being-ness, and that it alone is the truth.

As part of your inquiry into this "I" you have to abandon all thoughts such as "I am a body" or "I am a mind".