How to manage lust to avoid mixed intentions?

[Elysian]

I've been in seclusion for some time now, working on myself spiritually and emotionally. After some reflection and contemplation I've decided I want to dedicate my life to helping others heal through sound: music, Tibetan singing bowls, tuning forks, etc.

I currently have no interest in dating. I haven't the time or energy at this point in my life, nor am I ready emotionally.  I've started reaching back out to friends to rekindle relationships, with the intention of helping them heal through my presence and through different techniques when they're ready. 

But even with just starting to reach out, I'm already noticing sexual desire starting to flare up. I could be talking to a friend with very clear intentions of loving them through action, residing in a place of selflessness, when all of a sudden sexual desire rears it's head and begins mixing with my intentions. I notice it, tried to remain objective about it, but it's there. And at that point I feel like I have three choices:

Suppress it.

Act on it.

Be extremely mindful of it and take great care to not let it cloud my intention.

I'm just wondering, what if anything is to be done about this? I don't want to suppress emotion, and I don't want to act on it to then pollute the possibilities of our relationship, and remaining hypervigilant to keep my intentions clear is honestly exhausting.

Do any of you have methods of managing lust that doesn't move to suppress it? In the Yogic Sutras they give a method of cultivating an attitude of disgust towards human flesh, so as to make one completely disinterested in sexuality completely; but this doesn't resonate with me at all and sounds unhealthy. I removed porn and masturbation from my life, but even that remains difficult to maintain especially with this new influx of lust not being satiated.

And this isn't all to say I'll remain celebit for life, that is highly unlikely. Maybe I will find a person I connect deeply enough with that I want to initiate that kind of relationship. I just want to make sure my heart is in the right place when I'm interacting with other.

[YaNanNallari]

Hey, it might take some thinking, some practice you know. To figure out things like lust, which tend to have a huge impact on a normal person's psychology. It's fine to have it be "overwhelming" or not know how to deal with it, you'll figure it out over time if you keep having an intention to improve yourself. Maybe right now, suppressing is what your mind naturally does. That's of course not optimal in the long run, but sometimes you gotta go with the skills you have. Maybe you will learn something new about your emotions today or tomorrow, something that will change how you see lust. Maybe it will come after a week or a month that you will have something go your way that helps you allow it without it being an issue with your social life. It can become an enrichment. I doubt that you'll have to do complex things like create a disgust for it or anything.

[Elysian]

12 minutes ago, YaNanNallari said:

Hey, it might take some thinking, some practice you know. To figure out things like lust, which tend to have a huge impact on a normal person's psychology. It's fine to have it be "overwhelming" or not know how to deal with it, you'll figure it out over time if you keep having an intention to improve yourself. Maybe right now, suppressing is what your mind naturally does. That's of course not optimal in the long run, but sometimes you gotta go with the skills you have. Maybe you will learn something new about your emotions today or tomorrow, something that will change how you see lust. Maybe it will come after a week or a month that you will have something go your way that helps you allow it without it being an issue with your social life. It can become an enrichment. I doubt that you'll have to do complex things like create a disgust for it or anything.

Well put and I'll keep it in mind. I was just hoping to get some sort of handle on it before it gets the better of my intentions in one situation or another.

[aurum]

13 hours ago, Elysian said:

I'm just wondering, what if anything is to be done about this? I don't want to suppress emotion, and I don't want to act on it to then pollute the possibilities of our relationship, and remaining hypervigilant to keep my intentions clear is honestly exhausting.

What do you do when you're hungry? You eat.

I think you're already suppressing your sexuality. What makes you believe you're not ready for a relationship?

[Elysian]

3 hours ago, aurum said:

What do you do when you're hungry? You eat.

I think you're already suppressing your sexuality. What makes you believe you're not ready for a relationship?

Like I said above. All of the time I'm putting into spiritual and emotional growth, when combined with my work, takes up almost all of my time and energy. I'm having to cut back on it just to make some room for the friendships I'm rebooting. I'm not sure how sustainable or fair it would be to try to initiate a romantic relationship. Maybe if I could find someone who had little free time like me/appreciated time for their own pursuits?

I cleared my emotional body/trauma which has been a real eye opener, and made it clear just how much it affected my past relationships. They were coming from a place of need or something missing, not a place of abundance or love. This is probably the first time in my dating life I don't feel a need for someone else to make me happy or fulfilled. And I really don't want to jump the gun and enter back into the dating market prematurely and end up needlessly hurting someone. Maybe I won't know where I stand until I try? I'm hesitant because the last person I wanted to date I hurt, and it was someone I love very deeply. The regret from that is what made me buckle down and really do the healing and growth I needed.

 

Edited November 21, 2018 by Elysian
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[Enizeo]

6 hours ago, Elysian said:

I'm hesitant because the last person I wanted to date I hurt, and it was someone I love very deeply. The regret from that is what made me buckle down and really do the healing and growth I needed.

Well this might be the issue's origin. Are you maybe projecting you own fears onto other people? Do you know what kind of relationships they want to have, at what point they are in life?

What do you think about the approach of owning your desires 100% and communicating clearly what your situation is. The other person will respond in some way or another and you can figure something out together. You might have sex, you might now have sex, but you will have a much clearer situation which will result in a much clearer mind. And potentially in intercourse

Also, I've noticed that girls go crazy when you show your desire for them. A friend of mine once said: "Acknowledge that you have a dick and you want to use it. And then let her know too" it's funny yes, but it's the best dating advice I've ever been given.

Edited November 21, 2018 by Enizeo
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[Elysian]

1 hour ago, Enizeo said:

Well this might be the issue's origin. Are you maybe projecting you own fears onto other people? Do you know what kind of relationships they want to have, at what point they are in life?

I didn't project the fear you speak of onto others, as my hesitation isn't based on fear. I projected other things though, before I cleared I cleared my emotional body. Alot of things.

Where someone is at in their life regarding sex and how it relates to me is not at the top of my list of things I value.

What do you think about the approach of owning your desires 100% and communicating clearly what your situation is. The other person will respond in some way or another and you can figure something out together. You might have sex, you might now have sex, but you will have a much clearer situation which will result in a much clearer mind. And potentially in intercourse

Also, I've noticed that girls go crazy when you show your desire for them. A friend of mine once said: "Acknowledge that you have a dick and you want to use it. And then let her know too" it's funny yes, but it's the best dating advice I've ever been given.

I have no problem finding someone to date, so I don't need dating advice. The problem is I have only reached out to these people because I know they really need healing and love. I also know they are likely to be more open to me than others. It's only after interacting with some of them has lust come up (occassionally), but my intention isn't to get an orgasm. I've had plenty, and the value of one to me is infinitesimal compared to the good that can be done by keeping sex out of the relationship. 

If I acted on lust every time I've felt it, what would come of that? Unbridled lust allowed to do as it will doesn't resonate with me at all. Following that way of being why not just have sex with a person whenever I feel like It? I shouldn't 'suppress' the urge, I should own my desires 100%. 

Just because I have a biological impulse doesn't mean acting on it is the best solution, or what I value. If that were the case I probably would have killed someone long ago in a fit of rage driving down the interstate, when I had anger issues. 

 

I'm not sure if I agree with Aurum. Allowing an emotion to be without acting on it isn't the same thing as suppressing it. 

[Enizeo]

@Elysian You seem to have a very clear picture of what you want. What was your intention when opening this topic then?

[Elysian]

15 minutes ago, Enizeo said:

@Elysian You seem to have a very clear picture of what you want. What was your intention when opening this topic then?

"Do any of you have methods of managing lust that doesn't move to suppress it?"

If it wasn't clear that I didn't want to use sex with these individuals as a management tool for lust I apologize. 

Edited November 21, 2018 by Elysian
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[Enizeo]

5 minutes ago, Elysian said:

"Do any of you have methods of managing lust that doesn't move to suppress it?"

Alright! You do not seem to resonate with my approach, but what you talk about seems like you might be into stoicism. I guess you already know that, but you might be able to find some nice resources about the topic if you specifically search for "stoic sexuality" or something. Let us know in case you find some useful material!

Edited November 21, 2018 by Enizeo

[outlandish]

"Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers"

We're wired for sex, accept it. Ugly things happen when people try to pretend they're beyond it. Maybe some day when you're much older you really will transcend this human need for deep sexual connection, but it's pretty rare.

[Elysian]

3 hours ago, outlandish said:

"Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers"

We're wired for sex, accept it. Ugly things happen when people try to pretend they're beyond it. Maybe some day when you're much older you really will transcend this human need for deep sexual connection, but it's pretty rare.

I'm not pretending lust isn't coming into my awareness, I'm not sure what you mean. If I was beyond it I would never have posted. 

And I said it would be highly unlikely I don't have sex again. I just have no intentions of having sex with these people, or to simply have sex with some random person to get off. If I'm going to just use someone's body to masturbate with I'll save us both the trouble and do it myself.

[outlandish]

@Elysian what I'm saying - forgive me if you already grasp this or if it's non-helpful - is that 99% of humans (or some large majority) need to have a sex-life, and in the absense of one, that sexual pressure spills out into other areas of life where it might not be appropriate. You can end up unconsciously/awkwardly hitting on friends or whatever.

So in my opinion it's better to have a balanced life and not try to foresake sexual desire, but rather accept it as part of this beautiful existence.

I guess I'm saying that you might want to think about trying dating, it's a great way to manage lust, because it's exactly the venue for expressing that part of yourself.

[RunningBD]

It's only the question of self-discipline and good manners. A well-mannered person will always control his/her lust.

[Elysian]

12 hours ago, outlandish said:

@Elysian what I'm saying - forgive me if you already grasp this or if it's non-helpful - is that 99% of humans (or some large majority) need to have a sex-life, and in the absense of one, that sexual pressure spills out into other areas of life where it might not be appropriate. You can end up unconsciously/awkwardly hitting on friends or whatever.

So in my opinion it's better to have a balanced life and not try to foresake sexual desire, but rather accept it as part of this beautiful existence.

I guess I'm saying that you might want to think about trying dating, it's a great way to manage lust, because it's exactly the venue for expressing that part of yourself.

So you mean have at least one relationship where sex is involved that way my other relationships aren't flavored by lust? I get what you mean, and it makes sense. I'll think about it.

3 hours ago, RunningBD said:

It's only the question of self-discipline and good manners. A well-mannered person will always control his/her lust.

If you are a man you should/would understand for that most younger males lust is not just a mild feeling one easily 'controls'. It's a very intense emotion if it's not given an outlet, and is beyond just having manners and requires a level of self discipline I rarely see people have (and that I'm not even sure is possible at all for most people around many of the sex they're attracted to). Even people who have rigorous frameworks, lifetimes of practice, and environments to encourage abstaining still fail at this, like monks for example.

Edited November 22, 2018 by Elysian
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[Nahm]

On 11/20/2018 at 7:03 AM, Elysian said:

Do any of you have methods of managing lust that doesn't move to suppress it?

I know a genocologist who embraces his desires as a human being, and is also married. He seems quite happy & fulfilled, in his ‘both’ solution, without suppressing, the ‘problem’ is no longer there, and he is very focused, competent, and internally successful (no pun pls). Sometimes when we think, we can miss we are thinking which is the “problem”. No overthinking, no problem. Nature is wise, even in, and especially in, bodies. Infinite Intelligence, at play. 

[Elysian]

45 minutes ago, Nahm said:

I know a genocologist who embraces his desires as a human being, and is also married. He seems quite happy & fulfilled, in his ‘both’ solution, without suppressing, the ‘problem’ is no longer there, and he is very focused, competent, and internally successful (no pun pls). Sometimes when we think, we can miss we are thinking which is the “problem”. No overthinking, no problem. Nature is wise, even in, and especially in, bodies. Infinite Intelligence, at play. 

I appreciate your point of view.

Let me go find out what my 200 children are doing since I stopped thinking about my lust and just started embracing it fully. I think people think they're not thinking about it on some level, but even the most promiscuous lust filled humans still do put some sort of restrictive thoughts on it. We're not rabbits, but without any consideration we could be.

[Dan Arnautu]

@Elysian You want to be woke and help others, but your body just pushes against. Apparently you're not fully owning your feelings. You have some more outer layers of karma to shed before you can be in full service to others.

Just by the way you talk I assume you haven't had many girls in your life (I can usually tell very easily), though I'm open to being wrong.

There also seems to be an underlying unconscious belief that sexual desire is at odds with the one to help others, as in having an agenda if you have a sexual feeling towards the other. You unconsciously believe that sex is an act of taking instead of giving.

You are also repressing your sexual desire like it is a sin by not watching porn and not masturbating. You will thus over time unconsciously create a belief that sexual desire is a sin and it must be punished by not masturbating and not watching porn.

What I suggest:

Go and fuck/play around with as many sexual partners as you can until you are sick of it. You will get to a point of such abundance that you won't ever need something from a girl ever again and you're gonna be able to be fully present with the other person.

"But Dan, I don't want to use girls as a sperm dump, or treat them as pieces of meat."

• News flash. Girls love sex just as much as guys, if not much more. But it's so rare that they will find somebody that actually fucks them really good, maybe 1 in 100. And that's why they avoid casual sex. Not because they don't want to, but because most guys give such lousy sex.
  • So learn how to fuck well, you get your need satisfied, and at the same time girls will come begging you for more because you are the only guy they know that actually knows how to fuck.

You're way too young to fight against your biology. Run with it and your carnal needs will drop away by themselves, higher ones for service and impact taking their place at the proper time.

P.S.: Don't give me the b.s. with the time you need for spiritual growth if that's what you're thinking. This is spiritual growth. But it's uncomfortable because you would have to admit that you're not as woke or pure as you would like to be. Yes, spiritual growth can look like pulling the hair of a girl while you raw dog her from behind. It ain't always sitting in meditation and spreading love everywhere. 

Edited November 22, 2018 by Dan Arnautu

[Elysian]

5 hours ago, Dan Arnautu said:

@Elysian You want to be woke and help others, but your body just pushes against. Apparently you're not fully owning your feelings. You have some more outer layers of karma to shed before you can be in full service to others.

So many assumptions in this post, but I'll try to touch on them. I don't want to be 'woke.' And I am helping others. I have lust, and I'm trying to deal with it in a healthy way, it's why I asked for advice. 

Just by the way you talk I assume you haven't had many girls in your life (I can usually tell very easily), though I'm open to being wrong.

I've been with around 20 women, I don't need to have sex with 200 or 2000 to come to some sort of revelation. And I have no problem finding someone to date. I'd rather my dick not rot off and stay attached anyway. My entire family works in hospitals, I think most people would find it shocking how often people come into the E.R. because they're deathly sick from the handful of STD's they have. One of my family member's ER calls the cases with multiple STD's the 'party pack'.

There also seems to be an underlying unconscious belief that sexual desire is at odds with the one to help others, as in having an agenda if you have a sexual feeling towards the other. You unconsciously believe that sex is an act of taking instead of giving.

I have a conscious belief that if I hit on someone I have from the beginning been wanting to help, that they could end up pulling away thinking I'm simply pulling a nice guy routine to slide into their pants. I don't view sex as taking, I just don't feel the possibility of getting my dick wet is worth them missing out on opportunities to heal. I would rather masturbate or find a specific individual that we both go into the relationship knowing it's sexual, like the poster suggested above.

You are also repressing your sexual desire like it is a sin by not watching porn and not masturbating. You will thus over time unconsciously create a belief that sexual desire is a sin and it must be punished by not masturbating and not watching porn.

I used to have an extreme porn addiction, masturbating several times a day sometimes. It was unhealthy plain and simple. Now that I got that sorted out I've been using it occasionally lately, and it actually has been helping manage the feeling. It was never a moral issue for me, there seems there might be a lot of projecting going on.

What I suggest:

Go and fuck/play around with as many sexual partners as you can until you are sick of it. You will get to a point of such abundance that you won't ever need something from a girl ever again and you're gonna be able to be fully present with the other person.

"But Dan, I don't want to use girls as a sperm dump, or treat them as pieces of meat."

• News flash. Girls love sex just as much as guys, if not much more. But it's so rare that they will find somebody that actually fucks them really good, maybe 1 in 100. And that's why they avoid casual sex. Not because they don't want to, but because most guys give such lousy sex.
  • So learn how to fuck well, you get your need satisfied, and at the same time girls will come begging you for more because you are the only guy they know that actually knows how to fuck.

You're way too young to fight against your biology. Run with it and your carnal needs will drop away by themselves, higher ones for service and impact taking their place at the proper time.

P.S.: Don't give me the b.s. with the time you need for spiritual growth if that's what you're thinking. This is spiritual growth. But it's uncomfortable because you would have to admit that you're not as woke or pure as you would like to be. Yes, spiritual growth can look like pulling the hair of a girl while you raw dog her from behind. It ain't always sitting in meditation and spreading love everywhere. 

Have as much sex with as many girls as I possibly can until I'm old enough for my hormones to mellow out? I'm not even going to touch these paragraphs.

I appreciate you genuinely wanting to help. I just think you were off base.

Edited November 23, 2018 by Elysian
Grammar

[brugluiz]

3 hours ago, Elysian said:

I appreciate you genuinely wanting to help. I just think you were off base.

Good answers, bro! But I still think you should have more sexual experiences. It's up to you though.