the darkest place in my life

[Cineva]

I've practiced meditation for about 2-3 years now and stopped in august. I've watched Leo's videos for about one year and really got into contemplating, journaling and even kryia yoga (for about 3 months) and then I just quit everything for some unknown reason ( maybe it's homeostasis ?) I also got into psychedelics and they really opened my mind and got amazing enlightenment experiences. But for some reason I completely quit everything and I just cant seem to get back on track on my own . 

I am very depressed , have very poor self esteem , I live like a total slob and don't even care about it , I eat shit food and gained a lot of weight , started smoking lots of weed and drinking a shit ton of alcohol , even started smoking cigarettes and going to prostitutes which is something i have never done before. I'm actually attractive to the opposite sex and a lot of chicks dig me but i have such low self esteem and the place I live is such a mess that i don't even bother trying to pull them to my place. This is going on for almost 5 months now...

What the hell is wrong with me ?  I also started to get suicidal thoughts which is something I would have never even think about for one second in my past. 

I've also lost interested for my career path which was a huge thing for me. I've had a very good paying job and I just quit it and I am going to be travelling a lot for some time and go to some buddhist monasteries and ashrams to get back into being, something that I haven't tasted at all in a while. 

 

Has anybody else experienced on their journey such a low conscious place ? I know what I'm supposed to do to get out of this funk but I just can't find the energy at all. It's like I have a huge weight pulling me down and I feel my brain like it's numb and slow. 

[Sven]

Well that could be clinical depression man. Anyone in your family who has depression? It's in genes.

If you don't know the reason otherwise, you gotta try. What changed? What was the last time you felt you had your shit together? 

And then the obvious stuff... but I'm gonna mention it anyway: slowly start exercising, be consistent with it. Plus, do you have a job? School? Being cognitively active helps more than you might think.

But from the place you're in I get that that's difficult. I was in that place a year ago. What actually ended up helping me was moving to another country (I moved from the Netherlands to Ireland and worked there for 7 months).

And then also an option is this: go to a professional ayahuasca ceremony. Might help a lot.

[Hellspeed]

28 minutes ago, Cineva said:

I've practiced meditation for about 2-3 years now and stopped in august. I've watched Leo's videos for about one year and really got into contemplating, journaling and even kryia yoga (for about 3 months) and then I just quit everything for some unknown reason ( maybe it's homeostasis ?) I also got into psychedelics and they really opened my mind and got amazing enlightenment experiences. But for some reason I completely quit everything and I just cant seem to get back on track on my own . 

I am very depressed , have very poor self esteem , I live like a total slob and don't even care about it , I eat shit food and gained a lot of weight , started smoking lots of weed and drinking a shit ton of alcohol , even started smoking cigarettes and going to prostitutes which is something i have never done before. I'm actually attractive to the opposite sex and a lot of chicks dig me but i have such low self esteem and the place I live is such a mess that i don't even bother trying to pull them to my place. This is going on for almost 5 months now...

What the hell is wrong with me ?  I also started to get suicidal thoughts which is something I would have never even think about for one second in my past. 

I've also lost interested for my career path which was a huge thing for me. I've had a very good paying job and I just quit it and I am going to be travelling a lot for some time and go to some buddhist monasteries and ashrams to get back into being, something that I haven't tasted at all in a while. 

 

Has anybody else experienced on their journey such a low conscious place ? I know what I'm supposed to do to get out of this funk but I just can't find the energy at all. It's like I have a huge weight pulling me down and I feel my brain like it's numb and slow. 

Start real meditation, Breath only, and after you constructed the staple you can move on from there. 

[the_wanderer]

Dude, you are killing yourself! Wakeup! You need to go to the mirror RIGHT NOW and look into your eyes... That person right there is killing you!

Your ego is scared of dying so it is doing everything it can to get you away from self-development. The only way you ever are going to become enlightened if that is what you want is by following Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. You need a healthy ego before you can kill it.

If you don't do shit, your ego (aka you) will kill you! So be a strategic mother fucker and watch this video to help you make a strategy to get Maslow's hierarchy of needs fulfilled from the bottom up.

Take action NOW...

[nightrider1435]

Make healing your number one priority, nothing else matters but your well being. Stay strong and have faith.

[the_wanderer]

@nightrider1435

How do you heal yourself?

[Joseph Maynor]

You need a vision.  Something you want to work for.  Something beautiful uniquely to you.  You need a vision for your life and for all life that comes into contact with you.  Vision is #1 in personal development.  

Edited November 19, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[EvilAngel]

Antidepressants might help. Don't knock 'em till you've tried 'em. 

[nightrider1435]

@the_wanderer There are an infinite number of ways, whatever vibes with you then do that. Mediation, affirmations, journal, eat healthy, exercise, yoga, etc. 

[Salvijus]

4 hours ago, Cineva said:

I've practiced meditation for about 2-3 years now and stopped in august. I've watched Leo's videos for about one year and really got into contemplating, journaling and even kryia yoga (for about 3 months) and then I just quit everything for some unknown reason ( maybe it's homeostasis ?) I also got into psychedelics and they really opened my mind and got amazing enlightenment experiences. But for some reason I completely quit everything and I just cant seem to get back on track on my own . 

I am very depressed , have very poor self esteem , I live like a total slob and don't even care about it , I eat shit food and gained a lot of weight , started smoking lots of weed and drinking a shit ton of alcohol , even started smoking cigarettes and going to prostitutes which is something i have never done before. I'm actually attractive to the opposite sex and a lot of chicks dig me but i have such low self esteem and the place I live is such a mess that i don't even bother trying to pull them to my place. This is going on for almost 5 months now...

What the hell is wrong with me ?  I also started to get suicidal thoughts which is something I would have never even think about for one second in my past. 

I've also lost interested for my career path which was a huge thing for me. I've had a very good paying job and I just quit it and I am going to be travelling a lot for some time and go to some buddhist monasteries and ashrams to get back into being, something that I haven't tasted at all in a while. 

 

Has anybody else experienced on their journey such a low conscious place ? I know what I'm supposed to do to get out of this funk but I just can't find the energy at all. It's like I have a huge weight pulling me down and I feel my brain like it's numb and slow. 

This energy pulling down is real thing definitely. 

I experienced this myself. Once I enter a certain room or space. All of the sudden all kinds of cravings and petversions and depression everything just hits you from nowhere.

I recommend you stay away from negative low conscious people. Even being around them has a big effect. That's way serious yogis deside to go away from people somewhere. 

Another thing you can do is play this chant in your room or wherever you live in. It will set up a necessary ambience for your growth. It will remove all the negative energy also.

Sadhguru often talks about how important it is to live in a energized place because it doesn't matter how much you tell someone to do spiritual practice if he lives in an unsupportive space he will not do anything. But if the energies are high then whoever is there will be uplifted. Energies will push him up. It will create a desire to go forward.

The same way you feel like something is pulling you down, the same way something can just pull you up, without much effort from your side.

Also avoid wearing dark clothes. Only wear something light like white or yellow. If you look closely you should notice that whenever you're feeling low and depressed there's a tendency to wear dark clothes. So just be mindful of that from now on and aim for light color clothing.

Edited November 19, 2018 by Salvijus

[the_wanderer]

@nightrider1435  I agree, and if he is going to do something better then he will do that. I want him to turn the ship in the direction of the light and making it simple for him is what I think is best for him.

[Mohammad]

@Cineva

I have had similar experiences.

I had a great run for about 2 years, and then something started to fight back in me. I stopped meditating, smoking cigarettes and weed again, getting lost in my daily job, getting more angry...

I believe it's sort of "Ego backlash".

The way is to refocus. 1st, restart ur meditation habit. Exercise. Just do it, do what you know is the way for you. You are in a holy war. This doesn't happen to some people, but does for others. You just need to walk ur path, and whenever you go off road, just stay calm, look, be mindful, and get back.

wish you luck.

[Rilles]

Just now, Mohammad said:

holy war

So true, thats what the phrase really means. Ego fighting with itself until it surrenders.

[SpaceCowboy]

@Cineva

There is nothing wrong with you from the higher consciousness perspective. Everything should be as it is right now.

From the lower consciousness perspective, you definitely need to change yourself a lot.

Your depression and low self-esteem are signals that you are not aligned with yourself. Try to reconnect more with your higher self and your emotions.

I‘m going through a similar phase right now and I‘ve found contemplation and meditation/relaxation/observation really helpful. It all comes down to integrate fragments of your psyche, which is otherwise known as healing or shadow work. Which is the same as raising your consciousness. Chances are you are running away from yourself. It’s time to turn around and to face the tornado.

If you need more help or advice feel free to PM me.

Good luck!

Edited November 20, 2018 by SpaceCowboy

[Cineva]

@Sven  I do have some cases of depression in my family and the thought that it might be clinical depression comes sometimes trough my mind because I've been dealing with it for a long time and it kinda reminds me of my mother in some way. I'm a musician so I am my own boss which makes things very difficult in times like these because I just can't find the motivation to study my instrument. I'm going to be travelling Europe and play on the street to get out of my comfort zone and I'm sure that will force me out of this low self I'm dealing with... I know exercise is something that gets me going but I just cant start at all... 

 

@the_wanderer Thank you so much for your positive thoughts.  I think this is one lowest low I have ever experienced and it's nice to have somebody to remind you to wake yourself up. I don't really know how everything just slipped away but I know I'm responsible for not taking action now. Come to think about it , I should visit a doctor to get checked after the huge amount of alcohol I drinked on a weekly basis because I am kinda killing myself

 

@Salvijus  I do feel this low energy in my room all of the time and I i did socialize with a lot of low conscious people in this few months and I mostly wear dark clothes.  Actually, one big thing that started it all was me getting back into socializing. I lived mostly alone, almost like a monk, meditating contemplating and following a strict routine until i started to get into drinking with some old friends...

 

 @Mohammad This happens constantly for me on a yearly basis. I have a few months of very good progress and then some other few months of hard crashing and complete non-productivity and slacking off. Usually it comes with the seasons changing . For example, in winter I always get back on my feet.  The phrase holy war put's things in perspective for me.

 

@SpaceCowboy I do feel like I'm running away and I turn to compulsive behaviors and they're so sticky and hard to get out of them. Thank you for your support!

Thanks to everyone for your kind responses which really are of great help to me! 

[Arkandeus]

It really, really, really, really, really, really, really sounds like should meditate again like you did before

Stop socializing for a bit, build your vibration back up, integrate the experiences of the past months

Just ground yourself, and build that vibration back

This is natural, you go out, and suddenly you get swept in by lower vibration of the outside world

Get back into your bubble, recalibrate, go out again, till you feel you're getting swept, back into the bubble, healing

You will need less and less time in your bubble and you will be able to last longer and longer outside without your vibration getting corrupted

 

Once you awaken and you are on the path of enlightenment socializing is different, it is very meaningful, precise, and it requires you to be conscious

You cant just go back to mindlessly socializing and hanging out, life itself is a meditation

Edited November 20, 2018 by Arkandeus

[isabel]

clinical depression puts you at a different starting point, most people can't directly go from being clinically depressed to meditating and exercising every day

it could be different for you but most people would need an in between step like therapy and or medication, idk if you can just overcome clinical depression on your own by exercising and meditating...

[Mu_]

On 11/19/2018 at 9:57 AM, Cineva said:

I've practiced meditation for about 2-3 years now and stopped in august. I've watched Leo's videos for about one year and really got into contemplating, journaling and even kryia yoga (for about 3 months) and then I just quit everything for some unknown reason ( maybe it's homeostasis ?) I also got into psychedelics and they really opened my mind and got amazing enlightenment experiences. But for some reason I completely quit everything and I just cant seem to get back on track on my own . 

I am very depressed , have very poor self esteem , I live like a total slob and don't even care about it , I eat shit food and gained a lot of weight , started smoking lots of weed and drinking a shit ton of alcohol , even started smoking cigarettes and going to prostitutes which is something i have never done before. I'm actually attractive to the opposite sex and a lot of chicks dig me but i have such low self esteem and the place I live is such a mess that i don't even bother trying to pull them to my place. This is going on for almost 5 months now...

What the hell is wrong with me ?  I also started to get suicidal thoughts which is something I would have never even think about for one second in my past. 

I've also lost interested for my career path which was a huge thing for me. I've had a very good paying job and I just quit it and I am going to be travelling a lot for some time and go to some buddhist monasteries and ashrams to get back into being, something that I haven't tasted at all in a while. 

 

Has anybody else experienced on their journey such a low conscious place ? I know what I'm supposed to do to get out of this funk but I just can't find the energy at all. It's like I have a huge weight pulling me down and I feel my brain like it's numb and slow. 

It may be part depression and part retraction from your spiritual work.  you just may be in a phase.  I can relate to some of this stuff in my past.  I dont know if this helps, but instead of looking at having to change yourself in some grand way or fix a problem, just stop your self from doing shitty things, like junk food, weed, drinking, cigarettes, prostitutes.  I mean if you don't really feel like doing anything, then don't, its your life, but dont do things that are destructive instead, unless you feel like doing those and if you do then ask yourself why those things?  If you keep questioning in this manner you may reveal a destructive desire, and thats something you can work with.  Thats a place you can maybe make some new changes, if you want, if not, its up to you.  But dont let it be a strange mystery of why your doing it to yourself/its happening by itself.  Maybe you'll need to take some more steps at this point, but atleast find out whats going on inside.

[josephcampbellworld]

On 11/19/2018 at 3:26 PM, Hellspeed said:

Start real meditation, Breath only, and after you constructed the staple you can move on from there. 

fuck everything else and dont even try meditate. just sit there for 20 minutes twice a day. forget the word meditation. meditation is easier when you first start because you notice real results but like everything the longer you do it the less results you see as you experience is brought up a level and you get used to it.

 

this happend to me too after 2 years of mediating. done all what you said. and one day i said fuckit il just sit here for 2 20 minutes a day. 

one month later ive "leveled up" by about 3 times where i actually was. i understand what life is on a whole other level and im excited for every day.

change everything your just too used to your new life. your ego is trying to drag you back. make the new life the norm andyou will level up from there level up from there

how exciting take on this refreshing challange by the balls.

id love to get the chace to start this journey all over again. change is the game. the more dramatic the more exciting 

[TheAvatarState]

@Cineva up until a couple weeks ago, I fit what you described almost to a T. 

Really reflect and see if there's any repressed desires that made you feel like that. I saw that part of me REALLY wanted to be a slob and play video games all day. That was actually what I wanted. The way I was going about it was unhealthy, which was the cause of the "rot" or depression, but there was a valid part of my psyche that didn't want to grow up, to not have a care in the world. 

Stop thinking there's something wrong with you. You are EXACTLY where you're meant to be. The negative outlook is not the cause of the problem, it's the cause of the perpetual downward spiral; it's the cause of the rut from which you can't seem to escape. Raise your consciousness. Raise your capacity to love. See the art and beauty in all of creation. In not too long, you'll find yourself in an upward spiral from which you can't seem to escape even if you tried.