Ego Backlash in Romantic Love

[Tearos]

I'm currently experiencing some sort of heartbreak or lovesickness which has created a strong painful feeling within my body. Fortunately, I have come to a point in the level of meditation that I am not being a victim of the situation, but rather just experiencing it (and even kind of enjoying it) because I am working on falling in love with all kinds of feelings, regardless of the "pain" that emerges. So what this means is that I am not trying to dismiss these "negative" feelings, rather embracing them fully. Interestingly, I also found that what does not really hurt that much is not being able to be with the person I am fond of, however, the feelings react to the thoughts produced by my low level of self-love, or bad self-esteem - which contains "someone" telling me I'm worthless, etc.

However, I have been questioning the ramifications of the event in which caused this emotional reaction.
Do any of you have an idea about the "science" behind the reaction?
My current theory is that I strongly react to the event because I have identified with a lot of ideas and feelings (by the way, in a very short amount of time), therefore not being able to be with this person creates an Ego backlash within me. A more detailed description, example-wise, could be that the person made me forget all the self-destructive thoughts about myself because I was submerged in the beauty of her whole existence, once we spent time together. However, I have always have had bad self-esteem, telling me that I am not good enough for anyone and that no one wants me. Therefore, once we are split up (which didn't really have anything to do with her not thinking I was good enough) made me experience thoughts about she not thinking I am not good enough, promoting suicidal tendencies.

IF YOU WANT TO SAVE TIME AND SKIP THE BACKGROUND STORY ABOVE AND MOVE STRAIGHT TO THE POINT:
A more direct question would be:
Do you think that heartbreak is just an Ego backlash?

I am curious to try out other theories, so please leave a comment to help me understand myself.

Tearos/Fred

[Consept]

2 hours ago, Tearos said:

I'm currently experiencing some sort of heartbreak or lovesickness which has created a strong painful feeling within my body. Fortunately, I have come to a point in the level of meditation that I am not being a victim of the situation, but rather just experiencing it (and even kind of enjoying it) because I am working on falling in love with all kinds of feelings, regardless of the "pain" that emerges. So what this means is that I am not trying to dismiss these "negative" feelings, rather embracing them fully. Interestingly, I also found that what does not really hurt that much is not being able to be with the person I am fond of, however, the feelings react to the thoughts produced by my low level of self-love, or bad self-esteem - which contains "someone" telling me I'm worthless, etc.

However, I have been questioning the ramifications of the event in which caused this emotional reaction.
Do any of you have an idea about the "science" behind the reaction?
My current theory is that I strongly react to the event because I have identified with a lot of ideas and feelings (by the way, in a very short amount of time), therefore not being able to be with this person creates an Ego backlash within me. A more detailed description, example-wise, could be that the person made me forget all the self-destructive thoughts about myself because I was submerged in the beauty of her whole existence, once we spent time together. However, I have always have had bad self-esteem, telling me that I am not good enough for anyone and that no one wants me. Therefore, once we are split up (which didn't really have anything to do with her not thinking I was good enough) made me experience thoughts about she not thinking I am not good enough, promoting suicidal tendencies.

IF YOU WANT TO SAVE TIME AND SKIP THE BACKGROUND STORY ABOVE AND MOVE STRAIGHT TO THE POINT:
A more direct question would be:
Do you think that heartbreak is just an Ego backlash?

I am curious to try out other theories, so please leave a comment to help me understand myself.

Tearos/Fre

No I don't think heartbreak is an ego backlash in that it's a reaction to loss. There's nothing wrong with feeling your emotions and loss is a very real one. Where the ego can come in is the projection of what that loss is, for example if you think that person is going to complete you and you were always destined to be together then the ego will react to that obviously more than the reality of the situation. So its important to realise what stories you're framing romantic love around, it's very susceptible to such stories because of the constant narratives we've heard about what love is or should be. So essentially your ego backlash is always a reaction to what it thinks should be vs what actually is 

[Shadowraix]

I think the ego likes to build attachment to things to keep you trying to preserve it. A survival mechanism. When that attachment is broken the reaction can be huge and explosive resisting what happened which again cycles back to keep you trying to preserve it.

[ElenaO]

I've had just recently a very similar experience. I've got to know this guy who I've met only once but we've chatted for some time.

I definitely like him, even though  I don't know him well. I'm clearly attracted to him. And if something goes wrong in our conversation, e.g. he doesn't reply, etc. I get a very strong reaction. I'm actually surprised, because I haven't fallen for anyone in a while. 

This reaction is most definitely created by the ego. My ego doesn't like that I'm being rejected, not taken seriously. Also my ego decided at one point that this guy is the right guy, so it created attachment.

I cannot say if your situation is the same, but what I experience is ego in its doings. 

 

[Wyze]

Love relationships are the hardest to get over. Be kind to yourself in the process of healing.

When you have strong reaction, in my experience, it is normally due to unresolved and unhealed childhood wounds that I am trying to get my romantic partner to fulfill. If you can pin point what the issue is exactly, and go back to a time where the same need wasn't met, learn to let that go and/or re-frame that story.

Also sometimes it is my projection of "positive" qualities that I wanted for myself; that was in the person who rejected me. And the pain from the rejection was due to putting them on a pedestal. Solve this by being what you like in that other person.

For example: I was rejected by someone I considered fun/popular/outgoing etc. So my pain is telling me that I need to be "fun/popular/outgoing"...

Good luck.

[Tearos]

@ElenaO

I think your experience relates a lot with mine. Because of the attachment to the ideal perfection the girl I fell for entails, I therefore think it is an Ego backlash towards the break of my idea of our fictional relationship once I was rejected, meaning break of my Ego's way of seeing reality - leading to all these reactions.

[Tearos]

@Wyze @Wyze

Thank you for providing me this advice!

[Tearos]

@Consept

The reason I would think it is an Ego backlash is because the Ego contructed the idea (what it thinks it should be) that we belong together in a sense. Therefore, once the rejection was verified, the realization of truth created the reactional backlash. Additionally, my Ego probably holds the dogmas such as that there must be meanings like worth in me etc; therefore it creates even more stories in my head once the rejection from the girl shows otherwise. In other words, because of her rejection, my mind creates symbols about this situation, interpreting it into stories that tells me I am worthless rather than that I have worth. Help me out if I'm out of track

[Bluebird]

Quote

Also my ego decided at one point that this guy is the right guy, so it created attachment.

@ElenaO Sounds like Animus Projection/Possession. A deeper (unhealthy) expression of the self than just "ego".

[Nahm]

@Tearos If you convinced yourself that your oxygen comes from another, you’d be pretty concerned if they were parting ways - such is the paradox of youth & love; if you want to experience the beauty of the Mona Lisa, you’ve got to make it to The Louvre. 

[Brittany]

I experienced the same thing recently. I was a mess. LOL

Romantic Love is a fire that burns away bullshit. It is a great spiritual teacher.

The two most painful thoughts of romantic love (in my opinion) are:

"beauty is in this but NOT that"

and "love is in this but NOT that"

This is the lie of romantic love. 

The lie of romantic love is when the "ordinary" is not beautiful. But the "special" is the source of beauty.

The lie of romantic love is when the "ordinary" is not the source of love. But the "special" is the source of love.

The embrace of the darkness and the embrace of the ordinary will heal this type of pain.

The glorification of the "special" causes the suffering.

Because glorification of the "special" is conditional love.

Romantic love shows us where we are loving conditionally.

You are loving yourself conditionally - this is where the suicidal thoughts, the feelings of worthlessness, the feeling of low self esteem is coming from.

But I also assume that you probably love the whole world conditionally too. Because how we love ourselves usually reflects to how we treat all things that are "ordinary".

We have to return to loving the "ordinary" and seeing the beauty in the "ordinary".

In loving both the dark and the light.

In finding love and beauty in seeing poop on the sidewalk haha

This is unconditional love.

This is where life wants to take you.

The fire burning in your heart is grace.

[ElenaO]

On 21/11/2018 at 3:47 AM, Bluebird said:

@ElenaO Sounds like Animus Projection/Possession. A deeper (unhealthy) expression of the self than just "ego".

Interesting. Haven't heard of this before. Will check it out.

[Privet]

This is not an ego backlash.

Imagine that you are on a space shuttle trying to fly to the moon. You accelerate your shuttle and try to leave the orbit of Earth, you almost succeed but in the last moment your shuttle is being pulled back to the Earth by it's gravitational pool because the speed is not sufficient to leave it.

If you date a girl and at some point realize that your relationships don't work, break up with her, but in a couple of weeks you relapse and write her again trying to make it work - this is ego backlash.