Had a faux-awakening, a hellish trip

[Mafortu]

And by faux-awakening, I mean I deluded myself into thinking I tapped into a forbidden hidden truth, and it went very dark and I am still trembling about it.

I normally keep these things to myself, but I have done lsd, shrooms and other  psychedelics several times in the past and all of them have been very positive and uplifting, to the point where I thought I as immune to bad trips.

Today was like any normal Sunday for me, smoking and chilling in my house listening to instrumental music and getting into the vibe.  I dont usually smoke a lot because I hate the sensation of smoke going into my throat, so I took two big hits and laid down in my couch thinking about reality, art and consciousness. All was doing well.

I got to a point where I was thinking about humanity's suffering, about how life itself is an inconceivable precious miracle and how we as a species are desecrating our beautiful home and disrespecting what creation has gifted us. I had an insight about how all life in earth has a soul, and it was angry at us. I had insights about how this "soul god" is now actively working against us, through all sorts of shit; climate change, virus, cancer, bacteria, etc... as an attempt to remove the plague that we are.

It went very dark from here, I deluded myself into thinking this is the BIG epiphany, the answer to the forbidden mystery of our reality, my heart was pounding so fast, I felt like I saw something that was not meant to be seen. I thought I fucked up. My heart was pounding, and I felt like I was going to die at that moment. I kept feeling overwhelmed by this false epiphany.. "I should have not looked, I should have not been curious, now I there is no going back, I cant unsee the truth". 

I was starting to go insane, my heart was pounding faster and faster, I was going to die for peeking into the truth, we fucked up, I fucked up. Our planet's soul is rejecting us. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack for real, the physical pain was overwhelming. I removed my clothes off and ran to the shower and took a cold bath. "This is it.. this is how I die" I kept thinking to myself. "I was going to die for finding out the truth". I was begging for a second chance.

But I didnt die. I layed in bed and waited for my heart beat to normalize. The fake-epiphany didn't go away, I couldn't ignore the truth which I unveiled moments earlier, which made my heart race like crazy again in two subsequent waves which also felt like I was going to have a fatal-heart attack. These hell lasted for 1-2 hours.

 

Its been hours since and I am feeling okay now, what a horrible trip... now, I certainly dont believe any of that was "truth", but it felt like it in the moment, which is fucking scary, I thought I was much better than that.

Edited November 19, 2018 by Mafortu

[Mada_]

The belief is strong belief that determines the 'tone' of the thought is also made of concept and imagination, this cannot be realised until it is presented vividly in awareness through expanding consciousness.

BELIEF IS JUST ANOTHER TONE OF THOUGHT

Edited November 19, 2018 by Mada_

[Leo Gura]

@Mafortu It's important to learn how to stop your mind and break trains of thought if you're gonna be tripping because sooner or later a negative one will come.

Practice letting go, body relaxation, mind relaxation, and silencing the mind. That will come in handy.

[non_nothing]

3 hours ago, Mafortu said:

humanity's suffering, about how life itself is an inconceivable precious miracle and how we as a species are desecrating our beautiful home and disrespecting what creation has gifted us.

This thought, you should investigate further. Why do you believe this is a miracle? What specie? Why are you thinking that humans are granted?

3 hours ago, Mafortu said:

It went very dark from here, I deluded myself into thinking this is the BIG epiphany, the answer to the forbidden mystery of our reality, my heart was pounding so fast, I felt like I saw something that was not meant to be seen. I thought I fucked up. My heart was pounding, and I felt like I was going to die at that moment. I kept feeling overwhelmed by this false epiphany.. "I should have not looked, I should have not been curious, now I there is no going back, I cant unsee the truth". 

When these moments come and pass, I always think of myself as a RPG character that has gained experience. Hopefully just got stronger and one step closer to final level, freedom and joy of enjoying the game all together without less suffering/boring parts of game i.e leveling.

 

...

 

Latter applies to rest of your post too...

 

[Shadowraix]

Sounds like your realization is some personification of karma.

[peanutspathtotruth]

When you say smoking, do you mean weed?
This is one of the challenges with weed - that thoughts have a very strong and dense feel to it which makes them appear way more real than when sober. That's why you really have to learn to let go. Thoughts are thoughts, no matter how real they seem. When really understood, this opens something very deep which goes way beyond thoughts and conceptual insight. It's rather easy to be stoned and follow the stream of thoughts (which might be interesting), but it's hard work in the beginning to see through the thoughts. Heart beat also goes up like crazy for most people on weed so that might explain why you falsely saw a connection between those sensations and your thoughts.

Nonetheless, this might have been exactly what you needed and was a lesson in understanding your mind  

[Mafortu]

4 hours ago, peanutspathtotruth said:

When you say smoking, do you mean weed?
This is one of the challenges with weed - that thoughts have a very strong and dense feel to it which makes them appear way more real than when sober. That's why you really have to learn to let go. Thoughts are thoughts, no matter how real they seem. When really understood, this opens something very deep which goes way beyond thoughts and conceptual insight. It's rather easy to be stoned and follow the stream of thoughts (which might be interesting), but it's hard work in the beginning to see through the thoughts. Heart beat also goes up like crazy for most people on weed so that might explain why you falsely saw a connection between those sensations and your thoughts.

Nonetheless, this might have been exactly what you needed and was a lesson in understanding your mind  

Yes weed, should have clarified. Thing is, this has never happened to me before.

If it was just a matter of the mind, I wouldn't have freaked out because I am a very calm individual and I love the abstract realm of awareness, it was my heart beating like thunder that made me panic x50, never have I felt such dread and scare in my entire life. 

[peanutspathtotruth]

1 hour ago, Mafortu said:

Yes weed, should have clarified. Thing is, this has never happened to me before.

If it was just a matter of the mind, I wouldn't have freaked out because I am a very calm individual and I love the abstract realm of awareness, it was my heart beating like thunder that made me panic x50, never have I felt such dread and scare in my entire life. 

When smoking weed, also on DMT, I sometimes tried to focus my awareness on this overwhelming pounding of my heart as in love meditation when I focus on the sensations in the chest area. This lead me directly to my fear of death more than once. It's not easy and it's not beautiful but this is what I actually want. I really felt like physically dying any moment, so I know what you mean. I actually could let go of the terror that was coming and this turned out to be a very deep and insightful experience. I always try to take this fear head on. But yeah, it's the fear of death, so not easy at all of course  

P.S.: Just to clarify, letting go of the terror first means to feel it as fully as possible. That's why it's so hard.

Edited November 19, 2018 by peanutspathtotruth

[Mafortu]

33 minutes ago, peanutspathtotruth said:

When smoking weed, also on DMT, I sometimes tried to focus my awareness on this overwhelming pounding of my heart as in love meditation when I focus on the sensations in the chest area. This lead me directly to my fear of death more than once. It's not easy and it's not beautiful but this is what I actually want. I really felt like physically dying any moment, so I know what you mean. I actually could let go of the terror that was coming and this turned out to be a very deep and insightful experience. I always try to take this fear head on. But yeah, it's the fear of death, so not easy at all of course  

P.S.: Just to clarify, letting go of the terror first means to feel it as fully as possible. That's why it's so hard.

Thanks for your info, feeling much more calmer now. I have had ego dissolutions before (one on 5-meo-dmt and one on lsd), but the dissolution came in naturally and without friction, there were no negative emotions, just peace and nothingness, and plain awareness of it. So yeah, yesterday took me by surprise.

I am glad it happened tho, I needed this scare.

[Gabriel Antonio]

That's called paranoia.