Intended life changes VS adjustment disorder

[Azote]

Not quite a serious problem, but I'm stuck.

So it seems like I have an abnormally low capacity for handling changes in life, any prolonged discomfort. For now I have to resort to antidepressants to maintain an acceptable level of performance at university, but this is obviously not a sustainable solution. Besides, my psychiatrist says that it is sort of accentuated trait.

On the one hand, I don't tolerate some bullshit that normal people would be totally okay with. On the over hand, I can not realize any significant changes because I can not handle the amount of suffering they imply without some sort of breakdown. Even natural, obligatory changes like parents kicking you out of the nest. 

Lol, it's like basic growing up is too much for my psyche, and then I come and say that I need not just that, but an extraordinary actualized life.

 I'm thinking about doing hell-week or something like that, but I doubt it will help much. Any suggestions? Perspectives?

 

 

[Shin]

Can you give more examples of things that have changed for you,

How you backslided compare to those changes, and on which scales and how often.

[Pharion]

@Azote Could it be due to a lack of self confidence? If you believe deep down that you are capable of very little, than your mind will be scared of your situation changing because it will think you can't cope or adapt to new things. In reality, this probably isn't true. You are capable of a lot, but your mind might not be convinced of that. This might not be the case, I dont know you, but if it is id recommenced focusing on doing some low stress / low stakes activities that you can improve on, like learning an instrument for example. If you can show your subconscious mind that yes, you are capable of learning and adapting, then it won't be so skiddish or scared about your circumstances changing. What do you think? 

[Azote]

57 minutes ago, Shin said:

Can you give more examples of things that have changed for you,

How you backslided compare to those changes, and on which scales and how often.

Almost nothing changes, and that's the problem  But here is some stuff I came up with:

• on my first week at boarding school and university, I uncontrollably burst in tears of self-pity 5-10 times a day with no particular reason.
• same symptoms, but happening for a couple of months + psychosomatic inflammation in the abdomen,  supposedly triggered by orange-green dilemma (long story short, I study for physics degree but realized that most scientists are complacent oh-so-rational narrow-minded fucks and I don't wanna be like them).  or by low marks at school lol

• Tears again at a  sports training workshop - after a certain amount of pain, I  just broke down (nobody else did).  Basically, I have such reaction to any sudden change in work/training schedule/circumstances

• I guess there is no need to mention solo meditation retreat which ended up the same   That was quite predictable.
• Small time scale - inconvenient questions or an insult or  aggressive behavior will easily unbalance me too

Baby steps can work quite well - I build up my meditation practice time for about a year now, for example.  But you can't engage in business or other endeavors which require concentrated effort by baby steps.

36 minutes ago, Pharion said:

@Azote Could it be due to a lack of self confidence? If you believe deep down that you are capable of very little, than your mind will be scared of your situation changing because it will think you can't cope or adapt to new things. In reality, this probably isn't true. You are capable of a lot, but your mind might not be convinced of that. This might not be the case, I dont know you, but if it is id recommenced focusing on doing some low stress / low stakes activities that you can improve on, like learning an instrument for example. If you can show your subconscious mind that yes, you are capable of learning and adapting, then it won't be so skiddish or scared about your circumstances changing. What do you think? 

I definitely have issues with this, and I'm currently doing exercises from "6 pillars of self-esteem". However, I met people with super low self-esteem who could endure lots of emotional suffering (that's probably why they could afford low esteem) and I cannot.

 

[Shin]

@Azote

How is your mental state on a typical day, on the Week-end (or other days without responsabilities) and on a stressful day (exams/interviews/social gathering where you don't know anyone).

By mental state, I mean your emotions, and what your internal voices says.

[Azote]

10 hours ago, Shin said:

@Azote

How is your mental state on a typical day, on the Week-end (or other days without responsabilities) and on a stressful day (exams/interviews/social gathering where you don't know anyone).

By mental state, I mean your emotions, and what your internal voices says.

On a typical day there is lots if distractions (food, internet) and then boredom, survival fears ("How I ever gonna find a job?!") and guilt for not doing "enough", and before all that, early in thr morning, sometimes there is peace and admiration of nature's beauty on my way to school. 

When stressful events are inevitable, I talk myself into believing they are not that important and just try to get over with it. Almost always I choose path of least resistance. 

 

Week-ends are pretty much like typical days.

[Shin]

7 hours ago, Azote said:

On a typical day there is lots if distractions (food, internet) and then boredom, survival fears ("How I ever gonna find a job?!") and guilt for not doing "enough", and before all that, early in thr morning, sometimes there is peace and admiration of nature's beauty on my way to school. 

When stressful events are inevitable, I talk myself into believing they are not that important and just try to get over with it. Almost always I choose path of least resistance. 

 

Week-ends are pretty much like typical days.

I will read your journal then maybe I'll be able to help.