Seeking responsibility.

[Pharion]

I've tried to self actualise before. Hard to count exactly but I've made a serious effort at changing my habits a handful of times. Meditating, cutting off my internet addiction, working on my life purpose, etc. I've had some amazing little tastes of what it's like, when I'm really on the right track, but those times eventually end and I slip back into the comfortable homeostasis, only to become increasingly unsatisfied until eventually I give it another go. This has been going on for a year now, and despite never staying consistent for more than a couple weeks at a time, I've learned a lot From the experience. I've thought about the causes of this a lot. Of course there's homeostasis, but I don't think that's the really important thing. I've realized that all the struggle and failure I've had with this stems from being dependant. I live at home with my family, and they take care of pretty much everything. I go to public highschool for 7 hours every week day, and I'm sure I don't have to explain to anyone who's been through that how demoralizing it is. 

 

Ive come to realize that all the amazing times that I look back on examples of how my life should be have the common theme of self responsibility. so I made a pretty big decision a month back get out of high school early, after this term (I'm in grade 12) and move out of the house. 

I plan to move to a different city, partly to be with my girlfriend, who lives there, mostly to put myself in a different environment, where I'll make my own money, food, lifestyle, and be accountable. I'm excited for this, and I think I've made the right decision that's going to end the skiddish beggining stage of my journey and move into the next stage. 

I know it's really common for people to flounder for a while after finding out about SA and I hope someday I'll look back on it as just one step in the journey of my life, but from here it looks pretty grim. I hate feeling like I'm wasting time, and having a crippled will power. I don't believe in the school stuff I'm doing, and don't like how easy my life is without putting in any effort. My mind seems to be hard wired to do this easiest, low effort thing I can get away with. I thought I would use this time to be practicing as a writer, but it turns out I'm wasting it, and counting down the days until I can get out. 

The scariest part now is if I keep going like this I don't know if I'll really be prepared. Maybe I'll be too soft by then, I don't know. I bassicly have two reasons for posting this, one is I hope it helps other people who are in a similar situation and are struggling to end their "newbie" phase like I am, and also because I don't know, I could use some advice about what to do with the time before my term ends. I'm trying to install little habits, but I find in this environment it just saps too much of my willpower, and it's hard to really commit to a course of action and keep that promise to myself. 

My life isn't satisfying, and I wonder if anyone knows a good way of quitting those addictive little habits like gaming, watching YouTube, porn etc. To free time to more meaningful stuff, or even just going for a walk or taking a nap instead.