Healing from trauma and personal development.

[Healingheart]

Hi guys,

I'm a 22 year old guy from Europe. I've been following actualized.org for a good year now. 

 

As I started my personal development I focused on succes. I thought that this would make my life good. Same as with nofap, thought this would make me happy. I've spent 6 years on nofap forums, thinking this will cure my happiness.

 

I bought some Tony Robbin books, listened to a lot of motivational speeches, did a lot of affirmations, watched Leo's videos. It made me very motivated, but I always crashed since there was this deep sadness inside of me I didn't know of. Until the last months...

 

I had a very bad and turbulent childhood. I had a narcisstic mother who was very abusive to me and destroyed my selfworth. Had some of her boyfriends bully me, bullied on school,... Just a terrible situation.

 

I am seeing now by reading books about narcissism and going to therapy what the reality was. I always denied this and was unconscious. Wich is a obvious self defensive mechanism of the human. 

At this point I'm really healing from the trauma instead of running away from it.

 

I crashed the last weeks, had a lot of feelings and flashbacks that I have forgotten. 

 

 

SO I want to heal. I want to accept my past. This wil be my journal where I just write some things down that come in my mind.

 

First thing first, I can't push myself in healing. I want this to go over soon, so I push myself. Push myself so hard, healing don't take place. So I'll take it slow.

The thing I struggle the hardest with is not being loved unconditionally. From being a golden child to being a scapegoat. I understand it logically, but emotionally, I do not. I have a lot of trouble accepting this. 

I do recognize it happened. Finally after 7 years. So that's the first step. But accepting,.. man that's some hard shit.

 

[Healingheart]

I'm having a huge setback in terms of my development. I saw myself binging on youtube, instagram, facebook. This while Laying in bed. I tried to be aware of myself, seeing that I was just escaping reality. Feeling a lot mind fog -> unconsciousness. 

It is a setback, but I'm aware of it. As I said to myself before, I will get myself out of this hole.

Let's start by being conscious. By taking it easy.

[Healingheart]

I'm doing better. I decided to get rid of addictive apps on my phone. My consciousness is better. But now, I feel this feeling of emptiness. The truth is that the past can't be undone. That I never had and never will get the unconditional love from my mother. 

I built this denial system in my brain. It's slowly collapsing. Slowly realizing the truth. This is hard, extremely hard. The feeling of emptiness. The feeling of ''what now''. It is best to take the time. Time to really feel that deep sadness. 

It'll be hard. I'll get pass this.

[Healingheart]

Almost everytime I wake up I feel depressed, even when I go to sleep happy. If I reflect on my dreams, I see why. I have these dreams where nobody takes me serious and people don't listen to what I'm saying.  I'm going to take some time reflecting on this and then try to do some affirmations.

Law of attraction.

[Healingheart]

I feel better. I always feel better in the evening. I have meditated for more then 2 hours today. The feeling I have now is good. I have compassion for people who've done terrible things. I wish I could be feeling like this on a daily basis. All these anger is making me unhappy. I'll do some stretching and I'll go to bed. 

[Healingheart]

Oke, this will be a venting post. I have a lot to think about. 

Let's begin with something positive first. Yesterday, when I tried to go to sleep, my heart started to pumping and I felt a lot of blood flowing to my chest area and my right leg. It felt like I was healing. Out of nowhere I felt this knot in my chest opening up. It did hurt, but felt so good. It was a catharsis.

This meditation thing is really helping. So much trauma is coming to the surface, all these emotions were/are in my body.

 

With my therapy sessions,.. It's like starting all over, it's like discovering all these parts I didn't know I had. For example anxiety, I wish I had some social anxiety, but I almost didn't felt it. Now I see I denied all these feelings by being unconscious. I literally start to get mad at everything, start judging anyone when I feel threatened. I didn't know there was so much fear, since I didn't feel it when I was younger.

 

It's like getting back to basics, starting to feel how human I am, starting to see how many parts of me I denied. How low self esteem I have. How negative I am. 

 

The good thing is that I get a whole life ahead of me. So much potential. So many things to do, to experience.

 

It will be a hard part, where I will feel a lot of emotions. Will see hard truths. I feel so alone right now. Alone and empty. Little love inside of me.

And love is what I needed the most, namely unconditional love. Who can give me this? Me! 

The only person who needed to give me that was my mother, unfortunatly she was unable to do since she didn't love herself.

 

Love, love, love. Not egotistical love. Just love in general. It will not come out of nowhere. It is required by training. I really need/want to love myself. There is no reason I shouldn't love myself. People do evil. I also see this evil in myself. It is hard to accept it. 

 

Going to do some affirmations.

Peace.

[Healingheart]

This day has been eye opening.

I started the day doing all kind of low - conscious shit. Trying to get away from my feelings, which didn't work. I'm to aware of these behaviors.

I decided to go for a walk in nature. It was so relaxing, I will do the same thing tomorrow morning. 

 

I need to get love, love for myself. Almost my whole life is based on validation. Chasing love from people I don't know or don't care of. Trying to protect myself from others. I feel almost 24/7 stressed, cause I feel I need to prove myself. This is so subconscious since I don't have thoughts, just feelings.

Yesterday I realised (during therapy) that this cause I wasn't uncondtionally loved by my mother. And the people who take care of me always moralized me. 

It's time to find my authentic self, the self that is true, that doesn't have all this rules. The self that loves himself. Last time I felt this was when I was very young, today I felt it again. In nature, in the woods, nobody's judging.

 

I can love myself. I can have fears. I can validate myself. I can forgive myself. I can forgive others.

[Healingheart]

Yesterday I had a panick attack. I accepted it, but was still scared to really feel it due to the intensity of the feelings.

I dreamt, I dreamt about my mother not being my mother, that all of this was fake. That I have been adopted by someone. That I did have a father.

 

So.. I had these thoughts when I was very young. Wy? Wy was I so scared of my mom not being my mom.

- I think it's because my mother is a narcissist and treated me as a golden child/partner till I was around 7. Then she slowly started to use me as a scapegoat. This all happened subconsciously, I didn't know what was happening. So I started to get anxiety cause the behavior of my mother started to change. I forgot this feeling, but it was constantly around. A fear of what she could do to me.

It's cool to see that child can intelligently feel that something isn't right and that's in danger. Even when he doesn't have the knowledge.

This is one of the reasons I try to behave in a certain manner to people so they act friendly and not get angry at me.

 

Finally beginning to see one of the root causes of my neurotici. It's digging deep, but it is needed.

 

 

[Healingheart]

Hello,

It's evening and I'm scared of getting panick attacks. It is oke though. These fears are fears of the past and emotions come and go!

I begin to realize how much I denied in the past. My body is saying no to succes, to searching for validation. I want love, love is what I missed in the past, love is what I need. Love from others will only be a bandage. I need to love myself, but it's hard sometimes. There no good reasons to hate myself, but still I do. I need to accept that this hate for myself is hate that other people reflected on me. it is time to start loving myself and to forgive other people. 

The people who've huyrt me didn't know better, they were unconscious, and were not raised that good. I can have anger, I can have these feelings of blame. But these are parts of the process. 

 

I'm motivated to work on my relationships and I know I can be happy!

I also want to write down how sad I feel. This sadness of feeling alone, not having a good connection to others (including myself). The sadness of life. Just a deep sadness how life went so far. This is sadness of regret, the feeling like somebdoy has took something of my life. The melancholic look at my childhood. The times I felt free, people just accepted me, or I atleast accepted myself. I realise that I can only fix this by getting to know myself, getting into a good relationship with myself. Going outside, taking care of myself, accepting myself. It's love, love, love, validation I need from myself in this time.

 

I will get through this. It's possible to heal from trauma as long as you have it conscious.

Peace guys!

[Healingheart]

I'm coming up with all these excuses to not love myself or to get angry at myself. These reasons are bullshit and are reflections of others. It's time to accept myself. Let's do some affirmations.

[Healingheart]

So the biggest thing I learned today is that I have fear. Fear of being alone. I always thought the feeling was loneliness, but now I finally see it's mostly fear. Oke a new emotion. 

[Healingheart]

Oke, 

I'm getting better. Feeling more at ease in my body. Nofap feels good for my body. Maybe it's placebo, but it defenitly feels better.

So I will try to be more honest to myself. I do have fears and have low self esteem. In fact I've always had them as a child, a reflection of my mother. SO now I'm honest about it I can finally work on it.

Now I have this feeling of not feeling enough, being rejected. This feeling is oke, this is a feeling I've always rejected in the past. I can feel worthless, but I'm not worthless. 

[Healingheart]

Holy shit,

I feel very bad. My body hurts, so many emotions. I'm tensing my body up. I'll focus and relax.

It's been all day, can't even take a break and be in the moment.

The feeling I have is anxiety. Anxiety for life. 

 

But I'm doing better. I feel motivated again. But my consciousness... It's terrible at the moment. 

I have the problem with the victim mindset. I don't want to accept the past for myself. It's like I'm accepting the past for someone else. So good at deception. 

I'll do some affirmations and I'll get off social media.

[Gladius]

Your posts ressonate a lot with me, but I'm ten years older  Keep it up, you're doing great!