I Thought I Had It All Figured Out :(

[kwax]

Heyyyyyy.... Its me. Another tiny spec of a human on this giant blue earth with illusionary problems. 

for the past 3 months.(well actually since 15. I am 29 now) 

Ive been going through alot of over thinking, depression, anxiety, negative beliefs, self sabotage. and using weed, porn,lsd and alcohol to distract myself from all this bullshit Ive created for myself. It helps for a tiny bit but as we all know it actually makes things worst. 

I am in a really really low point in my life right now. Its effecting not just me but everyone around me, my career. Everything. I have  a fuked up aura and its all because I am having a really hard time changing. Thoughts of suicide have come up because its the easy way out for me but I know I cant do that because my family, girlfriend and friends would be so hurt.

I am wedding photographer and when i am in my bestest state. Im friken good at it. but other times I just have to put on a mask and act all happy but deep down im dying and when I get home after a 15 hr day of being a happy chappy social butter fly i crash and burn for days and hate life. 

i live a very comfortable and easy life. I work maybe 4-6 times a month and the rest of the time I try to gym and do jujitsu. I try to catch up with friends when I can but lately I feel i get major social anxiety and feel very intoverted. 

I live with my parents and they dont nag me at all. They give me a roof over my head, bathroom, toilet, food and just enough money for me to be very comfortable. Ive got it so dam good. Im spoilt and my family is just above middle class. I have so much guilt because of this because I know there are others that have it so much worst then I do yet here I am with my first world problems. 

Anywho. in the past I have done landmark which helped for a time. Ive watched the shift by wayne dyer and Ive read eckhart tolle and i was into tim ferris for abit. that all helped me for a time but i always find myself back in hell sooner or later. 

Lifes been a summary of a bunch of Ups and downs and never steady.

Ive taken lsd and had a massive bad trip which lead me to having a big breakthrough and death of my ego. It lead to me eating super healthy and going to the gym. I lost 6kilos and even got a tiny bit of abs. I even got inspired to give youtube a stab because it felt right and passionate. but that only lasted about 8 months untill it suddenly just fell flat on its ass..

I am now back at square one but I feel this time its even harder to figure out this next step in my life because I know exactly why i feel the way i do physically, spiritually and mentally but fuk my ego/lower self gets more cunning and evil everytime I catch me out.

I am very desperate right now. I cant live like this anymore. think the way i do. its terrible. i just want to die but i dont even have the guts to kill myself. Please guys, anyone, Leo, obiwan!? Help me! Theres so much more i could be doing with my time and life and for this planet and the people around me.

Would getting the life purpose course help me? I dont think I have the discipline to complete it.. i am seeing a shrink but i think i need to see another one for a different opinion.

Thank you for those who have taken the time to read this.

 

selfish me.

[oschi]

Killing yourself really never helps. Don't think of it like:"Yeah if I die then all the people around me would be sad." Because you can do whatever you want. It is your life and you are free. Right now you say you are at a bad point in your life. I don't know how the relationship to your girlfriend, friends and family is but I would really consider talking with them about it. You might think that they will see you as a freak but I would rather think of intensifying your relationship to all of them by being truly honest. You might as well tell us your lifestory here, but they already know it and can help you much better in certain aspects. All I can tell is what I do for myself because I decided it to be the way to go:

True isolation, meditation, confront yourself with nothingness. No light, no stimuli, no music in best case scenario and you just go deep inside yourself and see what is going inside you. Just fill up your mind with yourself. Think about where your thoughts automatically go. Search in the past for moments that hurt you. Maybe you find regrets. Just go all in. Make this inner trip all about you. Maybe you might think about certain people that had a big influence in your life but just think about what they did to you, the positive and negative of course. 

It might not be easy. But abstaining from certain things really can make a difference already. I did 2 months of no porn and I can tell you that in the first 2 weeks I've never been crying that much. Sounds ridiculous but it is the god damn truth. Just get yourself some isolation and when your body is wanting some specific stuff then you might be addicted to it. And addiction usually means nothing good. But most people have some addictions that rather seem harmless but it is not if you are willing to live a better life. 

[charlie2dogs]

On 4/6/2016 at 5:40 AM, kwax said:

Heyyyyyy.... Its me. Another tiny spec of a human on this giant blue earth with illusionary problems. 

for the past 3 months.(well actually since 15. I am 29 now) 

Ive been going through alot of over thinking, depression, anxiety, negative beliefs, self sabotage. and using weed, porn,lsd and alcohol to distract myself from all this bullshit Ive created for myself. It helps for a tiny bit but as we all know it actually makes things worst. 

I am in a really really low point in my life right now. Its effecting not just me but everyone around me, my career. Everything. I have  a fuked up aura and its all because I am having a really hard time changing. Thoughts of suicide have come up because its the easy way out for me but I know I cant do that because my family, girlfriend and friends would be so hurt.

I am wedding photographer and when i am in my bestest state. Im friken good at it. but other times I just have to put on a mask and act all happy but deep down im dying and when I get home after a 15 hr day of being a happy chappy social butter fly i crash and burn for days and hate life. 

i live a very comfortable and easy life. I work maybe 4-6 times a month and the rest of the time I try to gym and do jujitsu. I try to catch up with friends when I can but lately I feel i get major social anxiety and feel very intoverted. 

I live with my parents and they dont nag me at all. They give me a roof over my head, bathroom, toilet, food and just enough money for me to be very comfortable. Ive got it so dam good. Im spoilt and my family is just above middle class. I have so much guilt because of this because I know there are others that have it so much worst then I do yet here I am with my first world problems. 

Anywho. in the past I have done landmark which helped for a time. Ive watched the shift by wayne dyer and Ive read eckhart tolle and i was into tim ferris for abit. that all helped me for a time but i always find myself back in hell sooner or later. 

Lifes been a summary of a bunch of Ups and downs and never steady.

Ive taken lsd and had a massive bad trip which lead me to having a big breakthrough and death of my ego. It lead to me eating super healthy and going to the gym. I lost 6kilos and even got a tiny bit of abs. I even got inspired to give youtube a stab because it felt right and passionate. but that only lasted about 8 months untill it suddenly just fell flat on its ass..

I am now back at square one but I feel this time its even harder to figure out this next step in my life because I know exactly why i feel the way i do physically, spiritually and mentally but fuk my ego/lower self gets more cunning and evil everytime I catch me out.

I am very desperate right now. I cant live like this anymore. think the way i do. its terrible. i just want to die but i dont even have the guts to kill myself. Please guys, anyone, Leo, obiwan!? Help me! Theres so much more i could be doing with my time and life and for this planet and the people around me.

Would getting the life purpose course help me? I dont think I have the discipline to complete it.. i am seeing a shrink but i think i need to see another one for a different opinion.

Thank you for those who have taken the time to read this.

 

selfish me.

according to what you wrote your life is a total mess, and you appear to be degenerating more and more, emotional and mental issues as well as the physical part of life.  Before any change can happen you have to have a desire to change and i dont mean just saying i want to change but a deep down desire to have a better life.

Right now you are functioning as an unconscious human identity falling victim to everything that is destroying you.  Personal growth isnt what you need right now, you need a workable plan to live and function on a schedule, you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim and get a new picture of yourself.  You need stability, because you are not ready for personal growth.  Actually you need to see a good counselor that is if you are going to listen and do what that person tells you to do to improve your situation and apparently the shrink you are seeing doesnt seem to be working out.  Im not going to sit here and tell you that you are ok cause you aint, you got problems, and you need to work on them now, not another day.  You need to see a good counselor on a very regular basis.  Im talking about a person who can take the time to help you get a life, if you are able, and that if you are able is the main question that needs an answer, if you have given up to the degree that you dont feel there is no hope for you and you cant and wont do anything about it, then there is probably no hope for you.  There is no time like right now to make that change, now my one question to you is, do you really want to or are you just looking for conversation and sympathy?

[Yukise99]

              It can be quite a tough journey to find what is that you truly want in life. From your opening sentence, it appears to me that you have seen Leo's video where he talks about the "you" don't really exists at all or the truth of no-self. In my heart of heart I believe that what Leo is saying is to be allegorical/metaphorical/Requires heavy amount of knowledge to acquire and apply to your daily life. From your posts, it appears to me that you are trying to undermine your own current situation and fall back on confusion and despair as a way to cope with your life.  Your current situation can be complicated to understand from your own perspective, and I agree that things can be hard to understand when we are in the midst of a whirlwind of emotions. I just ask that you consider the alternative reality to what is already there, and that is you have already figured out how your life should be. 

              I believe that you have been suffering for a while and want to know why you feel this; considering what you have in life is "more" in comparison to others or so you say/believe in your post. A comfortable life is nothing to be ashamed but what is important is your perception of it, and trust me when I tell you that I too have this problem; it's the primary reason why I can see it and guide your thinking somewhere else that will enhance your life. I have always felt at odds with my parents because I have a particular perception that I did not want to burden them with my life, however I always fail to account that my parents were the ones that chose to raise me. So far as I don't take advantage of their kindness and ask for ridiculous things, I always feel at peace for myself because I know I am wanted and needed in their lives. I've struggled with mental illness in the past and at this point I can barely handle one college class without a mental breakdown within a week, (but I'm still pushing on to try again in fall quarter and that is the important thing) . I think you need to realize that your parents does want you around the house, and if you help them out once in a while you'll find your reason to live once more. 

              It's different for everybody I agree, since this is my post I will give you my opinion on the topics in regards to spirituality.  I've always held a firm belief that spirituality can be easily accessed without the assistance of drugs or narcotics. And would advise you to stay away from LSD or any other drugs as it can lead to a state of codependency and I rather not have you waste your money nor time on such frivolous activities. It appears that Leo's concept of no-self is where you are question yourself and where much of your suffering lies ("If I'm not real, my problems aren't real therefore they should not be causing me to suffer" is what appears to me how you feel about your current situation. I will try to explain this concept a bit more with my own interpretations which may help you deal with your problems, but do take it with a grain of salt. 

                 The concept of no-self in one of Leo's videos refers to when he asks you to look at your hands and then tells you that there is no hand. I believe that it refers to the physical/mental/spiritual/astral/infinite/finite realities of life. For example we only know a rock is a rock is because we used the physical description to match a physical rock. However that rock does not exists in other realities of life, for example is the rock you're looking at; is it really there? Or was there already data of the physical rock being at that precisely location so that when you picked up that rock at X time with Y action your brain created/accessed the sensory data that results in you interpreting that a rock was there, when beyond reality nothing is there. 

           However what I struggle with is to find the usage of such information or interpretations of Leo's concept of no-self. He states in his video that it'll lead to a lot of less suffering and you'll be enjoying a more fulfilled life. For me this is realizing that there is no problem, therefore whatever situation I am is "nothing" I can't handle. Though I will admit that my knowledge is elementary in comparison to Leo and that I could be wrong. This is how I have been using his concept of no-self to help guide my life. Perhaps it was this concept that has been bugging your mind and cause a perpetual cycle of self-sabotage and undesirable mental conditions. 

          I ask that you reevaluate your life and know that it is truly the journey that matters and what you learned from rising up and sitting down rather the great destination that you are trying to get through. Hang in there bud, I was crying out loud yesterday and I just want you to know that it is okay to stumble and fall over and over again. As long as you're willing to get up each time, there is no shame in trying again for another day. 

Cheers, 

 

[kwax]

Hey guys I know that "This thread is quite old. Please consider starting a new thread rather than reviving this one."

But just wanted to let you know that I am currently doing Leo's life purpose course and am upto #54 and am far from depression and suicide as of right now and have a clearer vision for my life now  

Thank you for those who commented and spent the time to write what they wrote. Sorry it took this long to get back to you. I hope you guys are doing just as well as you were then.

[Erlend K]

Have you tried some kind of CBT?

Have you tried any medicine? MAOi's like Nardil are the most effective drug against social anxiety, and it dosn't have the nasty side effects of SSRI's or  benzos.

Seeing as you already do physical exercise, socialize as mutch as you feel capable of and get enough sleep, CBT and a drug like a MAOi would likely be the most effective combo for you.

Also, if you work only a few days a month, it is very important to fill the rest of the time with working on something meaningful, like a personal project or something philantropic.

In Martin Seligmans coursea course on positve psychology he mentions that whenever someone asks him if he can give 1 simple advice for something they can do right away to reduce depression his answer is always "Go out, find someone who needs help and help them". Acts of kindness is very well documented to elevate moods.

[kwax]

thanks for the reply bro. 

Ive been taking st johns wart and a anxiety supplement with the occasional micro dose of lsd here and there once a week to once every 3 weeks with much success