Psychology of sexual harassment/abuse?

[Kaity]

Recently this question has been on my mind : What makes us FEEL sexually harassed?

Please notice the word FEEL. Surely i'm not talking about instances where people (mostly women) have actually been harassed, physically or verbally.

I'm talking about more subjective experience, where the "harasser" might've done nothing at all. I know that this is a rare case but it happens to me sometimes and other women (or some men) as well.

For example, the other day I was walking out of the subway where I glanced a man walking towards my direction. We made an eye-contact for probably 2 seconds in total, but as soon as I glanced his eyes I instantly felt  "abused." I know this sounds really strange and it sure is. After all, you feel harassed by a completely innocent man. This is probably my own projection on a total stranger but I'm really curios to find out what's behind this impulse. 

Sometimes the situation isn't so mild. It happens so that this stranger gives you a longer look and you clearly see some sort of attraction from his side, even if he doesn't particularly say or do anything. Technically, this person is fully innocent, yet, I instantly get this "ew" thought and feel as though he just grabbed my ass. 

At this point I've heard similar stories from many women so it makes me really curious to learn more about this occurrence. I tried to do a little google research but unfortunately all that comes up is Hotlines and campaigns against harassment. (Which is absolutely nice, but doesn't really answer my question)

Are there any books or articles or research about the psychology behind harassment? Or is it too early/inconvenient to question "harassed" people?

[Shadowraix]

I'm a male and am not subject to the degrees of this issue as women, so take this post as me contemplating. I have experienced sexual harassment at least once though.

I've always wondered, our society holds sexuality/sexual contact as this super precious thing that must be protected. Its a very delicate intimate thing. A vulnerable thing. How much of this view from those around us does this affect how we treat sexual harassment and so on?

What if sex (protected) was seen as a normal things friends do? Like how friends hug. You hug a friend without asking and they likely won't care, sex would be an entirely different story obviously, but would it be the same if everybody viewed it as such.

Does this sacredness to sex contribute to the trauma of the act?

On another note I imagine when trauma occurs due to the influence one person has on you, you might tend to get "triggered" by the sight of those who represent anything like them. I've seen dogs who have gotten physically abused become really hostile to the same sex of the abuser. Perhaps its our pattern recognition to look out for danger.

 

[Kaity]

@Shadowraix

I've also tried to connect dots between these strangers and people in the past, but there seem to be absolutely no correlation between them. 

But in general i'm more interested in why do we experience disgust towards certain people when we envision them desiring us sexually? Why do we get offended by this idea? Why does it make us go "ew" and not get scared for example, or sad. Is this how we're biologically wired or we've just been programmed by society to do so? 

[Emerald]

I think I can give some insight into this. 

When, I was 20, I was a street musician that would play my guitar (mostly at night) for people who were leaving the bars and clubs in the pedestrian area of my town. 

During that time, I got a lot more harassment from men than I would normally get, because they probably assumed I was homeless... as most of the street musicians were. And when certain men think you're in a position of powerlessness relative to them, they will try to exploit that weakness.

So, during that time, I had tons of guys come up and make sexual comments to me. One man bent down and kissed my legs as I was playing the guitar. I was propositioned quite often by the Ward Cleaver types of the world. I had one guy beg me to kiss him. I had one guy say that "I better get used to running from (him)." I had men follow me home. I had men try to invite me to come and live with them (with the promise of chicken and rice). One guy, who was walking with his girlfriend (who was mortified), kept repeating "I wonder what she would do for a twenty!" after his girlfriend tipped me a couple bucks. I had one group of guys (that I later suspected that they were sex traffickers) invite me to come to Amsterdam with them. 

And this is just the stuff that I can remember of the top of my head. Sexual harassment was just a constant occurrence during that time, when before it was just every now and then. I never went a single night of playing without receiving unwanted sexual attention.

And as I got more and more used to this kind of attention from men, my disgust and fear would bleed into my daily life. I just had an auto-projection onto all men that they were going to harass me as a defense mechanism. So, I would avert my eyes whenever I would cross paths with a man on the street. I just got so used to intrusive levels of male attention, that I would go into defense mode whenever I was around a man. 

And it was a nightmare because it made me feel like secretly all men were perverts that seek to exploit women whenever they perceive a weakness. Even though I knew this was probably not the case, the fear was still there because it was the main way I experienced men during that time. So, I became deeply misandristic and fearful of men as a projection because I was always bracing myself for the fallout. It took me quite a few months to get over that projection.

So, basically, my thought is that it's probably a projection based on past experiences with other men. I say this because I experienced an intensified version of the harassment that I would normally receive, and it resulted in an intensified version of the projection. So, perhaps you've experienced a milder amount of harassment that translated into a milder projection that just sometimes crops up. 

 

[lmfao]

@Emerald @Emeraldstay strong 

[Emerald]

3 minutes ago, lmfao said:

@Emerald @Emeraldstay strong 

Thank you.

[K VIL]

@Emerald You think it was the town? Sounds awful

[Emerald]

4 minutes ago, K VIL said:

@Emerald You think it was the town? Sounds awful

No. I live in St. Augustine. So, it's a pretty mellow town. I think it was the fact that I was a young female street musician who worked at night on a pedestrian street. If I were in a bigger city, I'm sure it would have been way worse.

[XYZ]

I have 2 sensible theories:

As a male I often experience primal instincts of fear and/or aggression whenever I'm walking in close proximity straight towards other men, like going down the sidewalk. Mentally I don't think I an in danger and I know nothing will happen, but my body goes into fight-or-flight mode when that happens. This is a psychological relic from more primitive times when making visual contact and coming within striking distance of unfamiliar men in the wild actually was a threat to your life, they were from another tribe and might try to kill you. Likewise, it makes sense that when some women are in certain situations that trigger primal imprints where their maternal ancestors were raped and assaulted in the wild, they will feel very threatened.

As for myself. I'm aware that I'm very sensitive and likely on the autism spectrum (and lots of other autistic behaviors which seem dysfunctional in present day society served useful purposes in primitive survival mode. To deal with the sensitivity and stay out of panic mode, I find ways to trick myself, like leaving the sidewalk, closing my eyes or looking down, stopping and turning away or other things. Since I'm not actually afraid of other men, or afraid of looking like a pussy, I do whatever is available to stay relaxed. It's not just in my head, since if I do try to just normally walk past someone on a narrow walkway I end up flinching, trembling and stumbling.

As for why women tend to feel threatened more than men, I would assume it is because they tend to identify with their emotional states more than men do, whereas men tend to separate their perceptions from their emotional reactions. Not all women of course, because lots of women don't get triggered like that, and many have higher consciousness beyond just emotional reaction to their environment.

Secondly, in any environment, women may feel violated when they perceive sexual interest from a man they view as lower status than them. It might not be, but any gesture can be interpreted as subtle or not so subtle interest, and it's only creepy if she doesn't find him attractive. I learned of this idea from MGTOW videos but it seems to match reality. Women tending to be very group-oriented and status conscious would naturally be insulted when men who are "beneath her" show interest as is she'd actually reciprocate. It's very different for men in general, since men have gay guys and unattractive women hitting on them occasionally, even harassing or grabbing their ass, and just walk away, it's not that big a deal. Whereas the unconscious women would feel personally offended when someone undesirable approaches her, or she interprets it that way.

Along the same lines, women could feel 'visually raped' if an unwanted man enjoys looking at her body for more than a few seconds.

I guess I'd remind you that being looked at is harmless, and even if you feel uncomfortable around certain people, they aren't doing anything to harass you. If you are actually being harassed not just feeling like it, I ask them to stop or get help. 

[Spiral]

Can’t say I’ve felt sexually harassed, but legally(technically) I’ve been. Butt pinching and being kissed out of nowhere.

I suppose the difference lies in whether or not you feel safe and in control. If a girl is all over me I know that I’ll be fine because I’m stronger than her.

Although I’m sexually traumatised, so I do get panicky if people get too touchy too quickly, even if I like them.

[Kaity]

@XYZ  

On 11/18/2018 at 6:50 AM, XYZ said:

I guess I'd remind you that being looked at is harmless, and even if you feel uncomfortable around certain people, they aren't doing anything to harass you. If you are actually being harassed not just feeling like it, I ask them to stop or get help. 

I enjoyed reading these theories! At the end of the day I'm not taking it too personally even if someone actually tried to harass. I'm more interested in entertaining the idea of "sexual disgust" and "feeling violated" in both genders. Your points click for sure. More attractive a man is to a woman's eye, more trust and less fear she's likely to have towards him. 

[Wyze]

I think the "sexual disgust" and "feeling violated" comes from the intrusiveness (power) that the person have on you. It is an erode and disregard for your boundaries, personal preference and your personal autonomy.

Hence rape victims often suffers from PTSD. And rape was never about the sex, the attract or the act. It is purely about the power to force you to do something you don't want to.

[brugluiz]

Tough topic.

Maybe you had some kind of trauma during your childhood and it makes you think that everything is about exploration or taking advantage, and not love. Sex is a real good thing, but it should be treated with respect. It's an energy exchange and, if you were abused when young, you may see sex as a violation and get disgusted when people do stuff that may have a relationship to sex. You may get even disgusted of yourself for having sexual desires. We're sexual beings and we should be comfortable with it.

There's a girl called Dawn Watson who has an interesting book on the matter.

[tsuki]

On 15.11.2018 at 10:31 PM, Kaity said:

For example, the other day I was walking out of the subway where I glanced a man walking towards my direction. We made an eye-contact for probably 2 seconds in total, but as soon as I glanced his eyes I instantly felt  "abused." I know this sounds really strange and it sure is. After all, you feel harassed by a completely innocent man. This is probably my own projection on a total stranger but I'm really curios to find out what's behind this impulse. 

You responded to the man's energy. This man in your presence was interpreted as the sensation you call 'abuse'.
It is only abuse/unpleasant if you do not know what to do with this sensation. How to release it in the instant you recognized it.

Instead of trying to get rid of this sensation, be present to it and learn to harness this energy.