What am I?

[tsuki]

I need to cool off before I write anything. Too much heat at the moment.
It's both good and bad, right and wrong, cruel and compassionate. I feel shameless.
The only appropriate word that comes to mind right now that captures this situation is: utter madness.
My mind wants to settle on conclusions and I know that it's not the right thing to do now.

My wife is suffering a lot, but she's finally in touch with what she's lost in the recent years.
She has sold herself to the idea of marriage and dried up inside. She has thrown away parts of herself to protect it.
I want her to reclaim these parts and be whole again. Marriage is not an idea and is not a territory.

[tsuki]

Apparently, my wife is not an oyster, but a squid.
She deploys squirts black ink for protection.

You don't open a squid to get to the soft parts, silly.

Edited April 12, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Your daily serving of 80's music a la my 15 year old self. 

[tsuki]

 

[tsuki]

Funny stuff.

My wife told me that she came across her ex boyfriend yesterday evening.
We talked about their dynamic before and I thought that I'm perfectly cool with it since it happened around 10 years ago. Yeah, no.
My disgust had me entertained for about half an hour and it was purely sexual in nature. 
Maintaining curiosity was pleasantly challenging.

Again, I found myself to be defensive when I was overwhelmed by emotions.
I can shift the energy at will along the spine and I'm distributing it evenly without letting it go into my head.
It reminded me of the experience I had on LSD, where I would feel like a tenderized piece of raw steak.
Instead of embracing this vulnerability however, I closed down and avoided eye contact. 
During that time, the mind came up with all the ways in which I fail compared to an idealized partner.
When some memory came up when I felt hurt, I said it to not let the ferment spread.

Yesterday I had to stay overtime and got unusually frustrated. 
The program was not working correctly and it corrupted the work that I stayed to do.
One of my coworkers has a very mocking attitude. I usually enjoy it, but it fueled my frustration yesterday.
I had no remorse telling him to fuck off because he was distracting me.
Again - defensiveness during overwhelming emotional state.

And here's the funniest part:
I noticed that we have an usual lot of money for this time of month and I was curious why that happened.
We were joking around with my wife and my sister and my sister said: "why don't you have a car accident?".
Well, when we were driving back home the break pedal started malfunctioning. 

Thankfully, handbrake was still working and I was present enough to notice the fault safely.
I'll have to get this fixed on Monday.

[mandyjw]

@tsuki  You fell out of the vortex and let it spiral. You need to learn what interrupts that state and what puts you back in the vortex. Listen to Abraham Hicks. Or my 80's music, that'll do it. 

You're powerful and you're a powerful creator. You need to get control and stay in the vortex, it's more important than ever. I'm learning to do the same. 

My money situation has been weird too. It's like I'm barely working lately, paying a lot for daycare and sales are slow. And yet the money is somehow still there to pay all my bills.

[mandyjw]

Oh, I've really outdone myself this time. 80's COUNTRY music.

Around here most people like country music, it's a very conservative Christian, blue collar country bumpkin kind of thing. It's simple. It's made for simple people.

I hated it my entire life but I had a really long bus ride, over 2 hours everyday were spent on the bus and the bus driver ALWAYS listened to it. I brought my CD player and listened to my 80's rock, Elton John, whatever I had. Eventually I ran out of music, I'd forget my CD player, the batteries would die, etc. I started listening to the country music, this was about 3 years of riding the bus. I thought I was going to go crazy, eventually I surrendered to it. By my last year of highschool I learned to like country music. I started choosing to listen to it, finding old songs I liked. That phase lasted a couple of years. Then I grew out of it. I don't really hate it and I don't really love it anymore. 

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

You're powerful and you're a powerful creator.
You need to get control and stay in the vortex, it's more important than ever.  I'm learning to do the same. 

I never stepped out of the vortex. I really enjoy what is happening.
When I was writing about the situation at work, I used the word 'frustration', but what I really meant was 'desperation'.
I was desperate to deliver, but I did not let myself wallow in helplessness. I did overtime willingly, without anybody asking me to.

The break pedal was an adventure too. It was exciting, even if I have to spend some money.
I'll have to get this car to the mechanic somehow and it gets me a little anxious, but I'm not going to let the essence spoil by letting it get to my mind.

It really is flattering to hear that I'm powerful though.
Somehow, I was led to believe that people can only be powerful if they overcome difficulties.
Since I never had many, I thought myself to be lucky.

Edited April 13, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Also, I left the simulation of the machining to run overnight and went to work today to see if it's okay.
It is, apart from minor faults but I'm not going to worry about that. We'll see how it will turn out.

Now I get to enjoy 4 day long holiday. I'm thinking of popping some LSD, but I'm still unsure because of the car situation.

[mandyjw]

@tsuki You did leave the vortex. You're fooling yourself. Why? The coworkers attitude would have been enjoyable as it usually is if you had been in the vortex. Presence is different from the vortex. Presence is being, the vortex is about creating. You went to a place of desperation rather than creation. 

[tsuki]

@mandyjw  Why does it matter if I were in the vortex or not? Is being in the vortex a necessity for you?
The situation with the coworker was noteworthy only because I did not feel remorse while chasing him off.

I never resonated with Abraham Hicks too much.

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Because when you are a powerful creator and you aren't intentional about creating and you don't strive to create from within the vortex, you create destruction. You serve the law of entropy, not creation. Is that what you want? 

[tsuki]

Tell me more about the vortex in your own words.
I were never able to make anything out of Hicks' descriptions.

[mandyjw]

I've had access to the vortex my entire life. When I listen to a song I really love, when I'm inspired and create something without drudgery or doing. When I write something I'm passionate about and the words just flow. It's like it comes from a place of passion and love and it's so intense that it HAS to be created. It's channeling. It's when I run through the woods on really rough trails but I never ever miss a step and I run fast and gracefully and don't even give notice to the obstacles. It's like God is with me. I'm doing his work, he's using me to do it. I've given myself up to God and therefore become God.

This is presence, this is the ego-less state. Mediation, presence and quiet mind only prepare the ground for this to occur. 

[mandyjw]

The thing that you "did to me" was open me up to the vortex almost completely. Now, I only fall out occasionally, and when I do it's bad. I have to be careful with myself when I get tired or triggered. Instead of walking around like a dead person 90% of the time, living in drudgery and in getting the next thing accomplished I walk around in the vortex, confident, the words flow, I look people in the eye, I know what to say. This painfully shy girl is now an extrovert who puts smiles on people's faces. I attract people like a woman in love attracts men to her when she doesn't want their attention anymore. People don't want me to leave, but I know how and when to end conversations for the first time in my life. Inspiration is there at the snap of my fingers. 

[tsuki]

Thank you.
How does it feel like when you fall out of the vortex?
So far, your description of vortex matches what I call flow.

Edited April 13, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Yes, it's a deep flow state. I just feel like I did most of the time before when I fall out. I identify with being annoyed or whatever other negative emotion comes up. 

[tsuki]

@mandyjw What if I told you that you can master 'negative emotions' so that they don't get you out of the flow state?

[mandyjw]

@tsuki At the expense of the positive ones?