What am I?

[now is forever]

@mandyjw i don’t know what you mean. for me the devil has two faces, but jesus wasn’t one of them to begin with. maybe he has three.

it‘s devilish to call someone devil - as you give the devil a face, while the devil comes faceless through the back door.

i‘d maybe more agree if you‘d call him other names (the guy, not the devil)

Edited April 7, 2019 by now is forever

[mandyjw]

@now is forever He's really out of touch with his good side. He hasn't even gotten to the point where he will logically admit that there is any value in being good or loving someone. He thinks love is biological and that he can outsmart everyone to get what he wants. But you're right. I need to see through it and have faith in it. I may have taken on too much too fast but time is moving faster than I thought and I love my friend and don't want to see her suffer. Faith, faith must have faith. I hugged the biggest tree I could find, it felt as good as hugging someone. 

[mandyjw]

@tsuki Have you seen American Beauty? 

[tsuki]

52 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@tsuki Have you seen American Beauty? 

Yes. I loved it.

[now is forever]

9 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@now is forever He's really out of touch with his good side. He hasn't even gotten to the point where he will logically admit that there is any value in being good or loving someone. He thinks love is biological and that he can outsmart everyone to get what he wants. But you're right. I need to see through it and have faith in it. I may have taken on too much too fast but time is moving faster than I thought and I love my friend and don't want to see her suffer. Faith, faith must have faith. I hugged the biggest tree I could find, it felt as good as hugging someone. 

i see, you love her really much - but you can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed and it’s also not your responsibility. you can help her make a decision, can help her overcome her addiction of being drawn to abusive people, btw. help her to outgrow her own masochism. if it’s really bad, why staying with an abusive guy beyond change? 

we all have the choice of walking away, we put the dog leash onto ourselves - it’s difficult to ask the leash to become the dog. so maybe for your friend it’s about dropping the leash.

and in your case it’s maybe about letting the leash loose a little 

i guess the tree hugged you back. they are so loving aren’t they, they murmur love in the winds.

Edited April 8, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@tsuki Have you seen American Beauty? 

My favorite movie about spirituality is Paterson.
It feels wrong to even mention it, but I really want you to see it and comment on it.

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

i see, you love her really much - but you can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed and it’s also not your responsibility. you can help her make a decision, can help her overcome her addiction of being drawn to abusive people, btw. help her to outgrow her own masochism. if it’s really bad, why staying with an abusive guy beyond change? 

we all have the choice of walking away, we put the dog leash onto ourselves - it’s difficult to ask the leash to become the dog. so maybe for your friend it’s about dropping the leash.

and in your case it’s maybe about letting the leash loose a little 

i guess the tree hugged you back. they are so loving aren’t they, they murmur love in the winds.

I held the belief that the marriage had to be held on to. But the words that came out of the vortex, they were powerful love and powerful love can separate. My baby niece, she makes my forehead between my eyes burn like the trees do. 

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

My favorite movie about spirituality is Paterson.
It feels wrong to even mention it, but I really want you to see it and comment on it.

I'll watch it. I loved American Beauty too. The scene with him filming the garbage bag blowing in the wind and how beautiful it was, that happened to me when the crows ate my neighbors trash a day or two after Grammie's death. They were so beautiful, so contrasted by the brilliant white snow in the sunlight. The next day I saw a dead crow and couldn't feel the same way. My aunt and uncle are selling the lake spot my Grammie and Grandpa gave us all. My parents sold their ownership to them for more woodlands and a little money. It was a bad trade. That spot is my heaven on earth. Now of all times. But my aunt saw me and loved me at the funeral. She said she'd see me this summer. This could be good if I can stay strong. 

My mother in law lost one of her students, my son's age to the flu. An absolutely gorgeous blonde haired girl. She's faintly related to my husband. She sent me a photo of her. I told her that some souls are too light for this world. I knew what to say but I felt her pain with her and bawled about it. I don't mind if I let other people's energy drag me down. I am like a phoenix, I will rise again.  

[tsuki]

Just now, mandyjw said:

The scene with him filming the garbage bag blowing in the wind and how beautiful it was, that happened to me when the crows ate my neighbors trash a day or two after Grammie's death

I actually thought about that scene when you first mentioned it.

[mandyjw]

 

 

[tsuki]

 

[mandyjw]

I loved this song lately, I usually don't like such depressing music. I couldn't stop staring at this picture Cara Delevingne, I thought she was the most gorgeous thing I'd ever seen. Now she doesn't seem quite as compelling but still beautiful. 

[tsuki]

Women are an impenetrable mystery.

Ever since we had a fight yesterday, a little tension was filling the air. I knew that something's up, but she wouldn't tell.
Today my energy was off. It was overwhelming, powerful currents ran through me and I felt tender.
I noticed that instead of owning this feeling, I defended myself automatically. I wanted resolution by inquiring into her problems.
When I noticed it, I stopped talking and just surrendered. She wanted to give me (!) a massage so that she could feel better. What the fuck?
I let myself enjoy it without remorse, despite the fact that she has a cold.

Why don't women come with an instruction manual?
Is it because men never read them? I would read it!

Edited April 8, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki i don’t understand the link between portishead and your situation especially because she’s singing: breathe on sister , because of the cold?

are you disillusioned and sad about life? but actually i guess that’s what the massage was for/against! 

but the massage was not the trigger for the fight was it? it was because she felt guilty for quarreling. and she wants to be close to you. she maybe just wanted you to listen to her problems understanding her being attentive. every woman is different. there is no instruction manual. we want to be read. just ask her yourself what the problem really was she will tell you if she knows it herself.

a lot of these problems/answers are: you don’t understand. of course, because it’s a lot of emotional stuff. being close, hugging and being cute sensitive and understanding helps us to sort it out.

Edited April 8, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

10 hours ago, now is forever said:

i don’t understand the link between portishead and your situation especially because she’s singing: breathe on sister , because of the cold?
[...]
there is no instruction manual. we want to be read.

Maybe you do, but you definitely don't want to be understood. You're like the song that I posted.
You speak lyrics, but they are mostly an incomprehensible jabber of beautiful words that relate to the music.
If they are in harmony - it's good. If they aren't - it's bad. Of course it's good to feel bad from time to time too just to confuse us. 

10 hours ago, now is forever said:

but the massage was not the trigger for the fight was it? it was because she felt guilty for quarreling. and she wants to be close to you. she maybe just wanted you to listen to her problems understanding her being attentive. every woman is different. there is no instruction manual. we want to be read. just ask her yourself what the problem really was she will tell you if she knows it herself.

The trigger of fights is always the same. She wants me to fulfill her unexpressed, or vaguely expressed, expectations.
It's like I'm supposed to know better what's wrong than her, but act on this knowledge only if I'm allowed to hahaha.

The truth is that emptiness that comes with lack of problems is unbearable for an unruly mind.
She's still experiencing the tension between what the achiever culture sells and what I practice.
This tension has to be discharged somewhere and our fights are the arena for that.

I mean, I don't mind it all that much - I can twist any ideology back on itself to a standstill. I've been doing that my whole life.
I just think it's wasteful to discharge that potential this way. If she harnessed it, it could fuel her art (fashion).
The problem for now seems to be that she's not in touch with her power and relies on others for empowerment.
I've shown her Abraham Hicks yesterday and she was mesmerized. I'll try to expose her more to LOA in the future.

[now is forever]

10 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Maybe you do, but you definitely don't want to be understood. You're like the song that I posted.
You speak lyrics, but they are mostly an incomprehensible jabber of beautiful words that relate to the music.
If they are in harmony - it's good. If they aren't - it's bad. Of course it's good to feel bad from time to time too just to confuse us.

that’s harsh - well maybe then i stop the jabber so you don’t even notice anymore that i‘m feeling bad sometimes. it will be emotionless empty space no emotion what so ever, you could talk to a wall or a black screen or your facepalm. i‘m talking to myself anyways so don’t think any of it was meant for you it’s all exceptionally for myself, that’s exactly why it’s not easy to leave the shell we built around us! someone walks along the beach and thinks: oh it’s mine i found it, sometimes there is even some animal inside but you could just cut that out and keep the shell decorating your toilet.

[tsuki]

3 minutes ago, now is forever said:

it’s not easy to leave the shell we built around us! someone walks along the beach and thinks: oh it’s mine i found it, sometimes there is even some animal inside but you could just cut that out and keep the shell decorating your toilet.

The song is still very beautiful and I enjoy it even if I don't understand it 
Actually, It's my favorite song of Portishead. Probably my favorite song of all time.
It wouldn't be as beautiful without the jabber. That's why women are an impenetrable mystery.

Edited April 9, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

what is there not to understand about: 

It's a fire
These dreams they pass me by
This salvation I desire
Keeps getting me down
'Cause we need to
Recognise mistakes
For time and again
So let it be known for what we believe in
I can see no reason for it to fail...
'Cause this life is a farce
I can't breathe through this mask
Like a fool
So breathe on, sister breathe on

From this oneself
Testify or tell
Its fooling us now
So let it be known for what we believe in
I can see no reason for it to fail...
'Cause this life is a farce
I can't breathe through this mask
Like a fool
So breathe on, little sister, breathe on
Ohh so breathe on, little sister, like a fool

try to read it from a woman’s perspective, once. that’s the part you don’t understand isn’t it? actually it was one of my favorite songs once, too. i loved the whole album, i listened to it back and forth a thousand times. that’s what macy referred to with the pain body - i think guys have it, too. but this one is especially for women. it’s not very long ago that my mom talked to me about it, it’s connected to our families as well as it is a huge pain body, the painbody feminism is rooted in. most women neglect being part of it openly - they go on with the farce.

Edited April 9, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

@now is forever You're still angry and you're teasing me.
Try explaining it to a man, once. Come out of your shell.

http://skillsforawakening.com/teachings/the-pain-body/

Edited April 9, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

2 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@now is forever You're still angry and you're teasing me.
Try explaining it to a man, once. Come out of your shell.

yeah, i wonder if you go for the shell or for the soft parts 

[tsuki]

8 minutes ago, now is forever said:

yeah, i wonder if you go for the shell or for the soft parts 

I thought that I already told you that I enjoy both.