What am I?

[tsuki]

My wife's dowry was a sizable library of fine books that I never read (except for philosophy).
Yesterday I randomly picked Milan Kundera's "The Unbearable lightness of being" during our conversation and it sucked me right in.
It made realize a lot of things and the least painful of which was that I want my wife to be all the women I will never have. 
Me being me, I did not turn away from that thought and I told her. Needless to say, she wasn't pleased, but she knew that it was true.

My cousin with his fiancee came later that day and invited us to their wedding.
It distracted us for a while, but I couldn't help but notice how badly my wife is fidgeting. I didn't make the connection at the time.
Earlier that day I cried out of happiness when I remembered our wedding and the photo session by the fountain.
It didn't stop me from mercifully crushing my cousin's unexpressed expectations.

Later that night I started inquiring into why she's jealous about other women and why. Why she responds with such passionate anger.
My mind scares me. Let's just say that there is a subtle difference between a scalpel and a dagger and it's lost on me.
Looking back - I knew the exact sequence of buttons and this time I understood when she lashed out.
I caused her pain and she didn't see why. I know that it's because she learned to look away from this place.
Unsurprisingly, there are men she finds more attractive than me, but she refuses to acknowledge it.
Marital sex can't compete with the freshness of stranger that is mostly constructed by projections.
If it is to keep occurring, it has to be about something else that we're still learning.

I still remember how it's like to be broken open and being right did not stop the remorse. I had a difficult night.
Surprisingly, albeit being hurt, she felt closer. I felt that as well and for the first time, I noticed my heart chakra to be open by itself.
As I'm writing this at work I've been breathing into it for the whole day with watery eyes.

Edited February 25, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki that’s really harsh to say to a woman so closely after the wedding - of course she wants to be the most special out of all women and she wants to be herself loved only for herself.

regarding sex, tsuki did you ever have synchronicity of orgasm? well if not, that’s one of the most beautiful synchronicities as long as you both are genuinely in love! and no other sex with any stranger can give you that.

please don’t answer to that!!! keep some things intimate tsuki. she’s also vulnerable even though she seems tougher than you.

love must be protected, it is something that’s alive and you need to create a protective space for that, it is so innocent that it can easily be hurt. you can create tension though, as long as this space is protected.

Edited February 25, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

love must be protected, it is something that’s alive and you need to create a protective space for that, it is so innocent that it can easily be hurt. you can create tension though, as long as this space is protected.

@now is forever Nah-ah. You don't get to teach me about protecting love after posting here about orgasms.
Not after I said that my wife gets jealous easily.
I appreciate the rest of your post though.

Hmm, or maybe you do get to teach me after all. I'm so dense.

Edited February 25, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki ? why not? after all maybe that’s the only thing that’s left isn’t it - sex is already everywhere if you look closely. even love is on the sale table everywhere - but there are things that are beyond talking. sorry tsuki but this post was actually in sympathy with your wife more than with you!

does it matter if i‘m a guy or a girl or if i was gay or lesbian or hetero after all to give you a hint like that? why are you posting about it anyways if you know she’s jellous?

Edited February 25, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

@now is forever Shh, no bickering.
I didn't read your post carefully enough, my mind hanged up at the part where you called her tougher than me.
I needlessly took that as an offence to my masculinity. Thank you and sorry.

[now is forever]

@tsuki no why sorry, it didn’t hurt me - in case of emotions girls are often much tougher than guys, regarding what they have to take from the opposite gender. how would you feel if your wife would have told you the same? in our society if girls behave exactly the same like guys - most guys can’t stand it - it’s un womanly. yeah but we take a lot, because men call it manly so don’t tell me who‘s the tougher gender. that’s what i wanted to say with it. and then they wonder why women are bickering... it’s so absurd... sorry tsuki for being this direct! that’s not only your portion.

bickering is in reality something really feminine, better embrace that if your woman ever does it - it’s a free gift if you like ego death.

Edited February 25, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

So many insights, so little time to write.
When it comes to chakras - focusing my awareness on each of them changes my thought patterns and behaviors.
Each of them also feels differently. For example, Heart feels like an open wound. Tender, vulnerable.
It's similar to the tightness of the chest when I cry, but the body does not tremble.
My interpretations change when I'm in heart mode: my face looks differently in the mirror. It reminds me of how I perceived myself during the trip - a squishy potato. It does not even concern me that much, I like it!

This vulnerability gets my mind confused because I associate it with crying and it was always something unpleasant. The truth is that it is not unpleasant, but overwhelming. It's like being a small, wounded, animal at the mercy of the world. What's strange is that people seem to pick this up subliminally and they are actually nice to me. It may be why I can see shadows so clearly.

Muldahara on the other hand is just raw survival power. The first thing that I thought when red is that I can just shift my chackras to control my behavior. That it's a straight path to turquoise lol.

There is still a big gap between the heart and sacral chakra. Having read something I suspect to find the solar plexus chakra there.

Edited February 26, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Chasing shadows out of our home is a grueling work. thankfully, this time we both did it intentionally.
The results were very unsettling and I'm not sure whether I should post them here.

It sounded similarly to bickering, but I was pressing on with a clear mind without judgement.
The truth about jealousy was difficult, but what was even worse is how it fits with my own wounds masquerading as love.
The strangest thing is that these things cannot be fixed, undone. The thing that comes the closest is kintsugi.

What we call infatuation is just unexplainable familiarity of a stranger.
Marriage is the pressure that keeps partners together so that they learn their own shadow and mend their wounds.

[tsuki]

Oh, and I still fucking love her.

[now is forever]

sounds good tsuki, hope you fixed together the parts of two different broken teapots. no one will notice, because it’s so beautiful. glad you found kintsugi. (it can even pour tea in two different directions like that)

Edited February 27, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

My god, who would have thought that stabbing my heart open would feel this amazing.
I woke up with a feeling of immense beauty inside of my chest. I was moved, like when watching a beautiful movie.
When I get this feeling, I sometimes cry, but this time it was just it - silent beauty.

Later that day I had a fight with a coworker that promised to prepare something for me, but did not do the most important part.
At the time, I reacted in such a way because it would put me in an uncomfortable position when I was expected to do my part with a tight deadline.
Now, I had to do his work in addition to mine.
I inquired into why this person annoys me so much and I ended up with my unfulfilled ambition.
It has something to do with my father and I'll have to explore it sometime. The coworker is just a kid that's scared as hell.

Later that day we had a conversation and I taught him something. I get annoyed easily when people I teach are slow to learn.
It may be resentment because I always had to teach myself everything.

After that, I started breathing deeply into my heart and my whole body is filled with bliss.
I feel high, but alert. I finished my job without any problems.

[tsuki]

Beautiful sky greeted me today. I also had an important dream, but I don't have enough time to dissect it properly, so I'll just post it.

There was a witch masquerading as a little girl. She had seduced me before.
I was a watchman in a military base, standing in the middle, atop of a watchtower.
I was appointed to look out for danger and I saw her talking to other men.
She was sitting on a sunbed by the pool in a two-piece swimsuit and I saw her through a glass ceiling.
I raised the alarm, red lights and sirens turned on.
The guards did not know how she looked like, so they drew everyone's blood and tested it.
I was pointing my finger at her and yelling, but they couldn't hear me.
She kept talking to men ignoring the alarm and I knew that she was looking at me with her cold eyes.
She let her blood be drawn calmly and the test was negative, so the guards missed her.
As the guards were passing by her, she gave me one last mocking* look and the dream ended.

Note to self: a strong connection to a traumatic childhood memory.
* - I read it as if she mocked me, but she may have simply been looking.

Edited February 28, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki so did she pass through? or did she turn around and walk away?

i just wonder, maybe she couldn’t hear your alarms ringing, maybe she thought it where her own and tried to hide it. and why did they draw blood? i can read that so it makes sense - but that wouldn’t be the first time... 

[tsuki]

@now is forever No, she definitely slipped through.
From my point of view, she definitely knew about me and that the alarm was off.
She was just masterfully pretending to be innocent.

The key to this dream is the ambiguity of whether she was really the witch or not.
It plays into vulnerability that I'm learning recently. A little girl is a symbol of it.

Edited February 28, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki by the way the morning clouds look like dragonsscales. maybe that’s why it fits so well with a dream.

[tsuki]

The childhood memory that involves a little girl happened when I was around 10.
During holidays I used to leave with my parents to a small town near my home where we would borrow a summer house from my uncle.
This town had a lake with a beach and I had a female childhood friend that lived next door.
One day, her relative came by and she hanged out with her. She was much younger than both of us - the little girl.
I remember that didn't like her that much for some reason. I think that she had an attitude and tried to boss us around. I'm not sure.
I remember that she had blonde curly hair and looked very innocently.

The three of us went to a playground nearby and played with a rotary swing like this:

The little girl sat in one of the seats and I started pushing.
I wanted to impress my childhood friend, so I gave my best. The little girl protested, but I didn't listen.
I always thought that she fell off, but now that I think of it - she may have wanted to get off on her own.
She fell out/got out and the next seat hit her hard in the back of her head.

I ran away and left the two on their own. I just denied the realness of what I did.
I think that something may have been born that day.

 

I met that girl several years later and she tried to blackmail me into submission. She threatened that would tell my mother what happened if I didn't do what she said.
By that time I knew to not negotiate with terrorists, so I just said: go ahead. She went ahead and my mother was very upset.
The girl had major health problems because of that accident, but I never inquired into that. Now seems like a good opportunity.

Edited February 28, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

There are two other childhood memories that keep returning to me.

I was playing with kids outside. We lived at the 10th floor and my mother called me out of the window.
She kept calling me, but I kept ignoring it. We went to play to the school grounds and I didn't hear her anymore.
When I came back, she was angry. It was the only time I was hit with a belt. One hit for each call that I ignored.

The second memory takes place on the same playground but at a different time.
It was a holiday and I remember the weather to be 'golden' like this:

I was playing with a swing again, and there was a mother and a child nearby. The child was so young that it was struggling to walk.
I was standing beside the swing and swinging it while it was empty. The kid was curious and wanted to see what I was doing. The mother was busy.
I saw the kid as it approached and kept swinging the swing. The child did not stop and it wandered straight into its path.
Again, it was hit in the back of his head.

Guess what I did? I ran away and denied the reality of this situation.

[tsuki]

The over-arching themes of my memories are about power, responsibility, denial and hurting innocence.
All of them feature women as: a victim, an oppressor and a responsible, but incompetent person.

• The first memory is about using power for personal gains and hurting innocent people.
  I wanted to impress my childhood friend and gain her favor and it ended up in a catastrophe.
• The second memory is about being punished for wanting to play.
  Being in the company of other people and ignoring warning signs of approaching disaster.
• The third memory is about taking responsibility for other people.
  Using power for my own amusement and hurting innocent person that was under somebody else's care.

All of these tropes fit very well to my various relationships.

Edited March 1, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki reflect on what is incompetency. or better, reflect on what’s incompetency vs. incompatibility. competency is just a part of specialization and control thinking.

Edited March 1, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

Here's another traumatic one featuring women:

My grandmother was looking over me during my mother's absence. I had an attitude that day and didn't respect her.
I don't remember the particular time when she actually hit me, but I remember telling her that:

 she has no right to hit me because she's not my mother.

I remember that it shocked her (my grandmother was a sassy woman, things just didn't shock her).
Later that day she talked to my mother and they both came to me and my mother said:

I, as your mother, give the right to hit you to your grandmother.

They were both laughing. I brushed that off at the time.

 

Just recently came to me why was my grandmother so shocked.
That's because a kid thought that his mother had the right to hit him.