What am I?

[tsuki]

Gurdjieff on Conscience, as recounted to P.D. Ouspensky in “In Search of the
Miraculous,” taken from the edition published by by Paul H. Crompton Ltd 2004,
Pages 155-156.

“‘Conscience’ is again a term that needs explanation.

“In ordinary life the concept ‘conscience’ is taken too simply. As if we had a conscience.
Actually the concept ‘conscience’ in the sphere of the emotions is equivalent to the
concept ‘consciousness’ in the sphere of the intellect. And as we have no consciousness
we have no conscience.

“Consciousness is a state in which a man knows all at once everything that he in general
knows and in which he can see how little he does know and how many contradictions
there are in what he knows.

“Conscience is a state in which a man feels all at once everything that he in general feels,
or can feel. And as everyone has within him thousands of contradictory feelings which
vary from a deeply hidden realization of his own nothingness and fears of all kinds to the
most stupid kind of self-conceit, self-confidence, self-satisfaction, and self-praise, to feel
all this together would not only be painful but literally unbearable.

“If a man whose entire inner world is composed of contradictions were suddenly to feel
all these contradictions simultaneously within himself, if he were to feel all at once that
he loves everything he hates and hates everything he loves, that he lies when he tells the
truth and that he tells the truth when he lies; and if he could feel the shame and horror of
it all, this would be the state which is called ‘conscience.’ A man cannot live in this state;
he must either destroy contradictions or destroy conscience. He cannot destroy
conscience, but if he cannot destroy it he can put it to sleep, that is, he can separate by
impenetrable barriers one feeling of self from another, never see them together, never feel
their incompatibility, the absurdity of one existing alongside another.

“But fortunately for man, that is, for his peace and for his sleep, this state of conscience is
very rare. From early childhood ‘buffers’ begin to grow and strengthen in him, taking
from him the possibility of seeing his inner contradictions and therefore, for him, there is
no danger whatever of a sudden awakening. Awakening is possible only for those who
seek it and want it, for those who are ready to struggle with themselves and work on
themselves for a very long time and very persistently in order to attain it. For this it is
necessary to destroy ‘buffers,’ that is, to go out to meet all those inner sufferings which
are connected with the sensations of contradictions. Moreover the destruction of ‘buffers’
in itself requires very long work and a man must agree to this work realizing that the
result of his work will be every possible discomfort and suffering from the awakening of
his conscience.

“But conscience is the fire which alone can fuse all the powders in the glass retort which
was mentioned before and create the unity which a man lacks in that state in which he
begins to study himself.

“The concept ‘conscience’ has nothing in common with the concept ‘morality.’

“Conscience is a general and a permanent phenomenon. Conscience is the same for all
men and conscience is possible only in the absence of ‘buffers.’ From the point of view
of understanding the different categories of man we may say that there exists the
conscience of a man in whom there are no contradictions. This conscience is not
suffering; on the contrary it is joy of a totally new character which we are unable to
understand. But even a momentary awakening of conscience in a man who has thousands
of different I’s is bound to involve suffering. And if these moments of conscience
become longer and if a man does not fear them but on the contrary co-operates with them
and tries to keep and prolong them, an element of very subtle joy, a foretaste of the future
‘clear consciousness’ will gradually enter into these moments.

[Zigzag Idiot]

,,,,,,,,Ocke: One of the aims of our Work is to bring us in contact with Conscience, which is in our subconsciousness. Conscience is the inner memory for those actions necessary to bring any given situation back in tune with Unity. Although this definition of Conscience is correct, it stays incomplete, because Conscience cannot be reasoned but must come into Being. ,,,,,,,,

,,,,,,,,,,Ocke: Remorse will bring conscious suffering. This is to see and feel your own mechanical behaviour or negativity and seeing you can’t do anything about it. Conscious suffering will bring the Work deeper in you and therefore will increase your being so that conscience can speak. It will give a constant and unflagging need to work and enable you to pass the first threshold.   Conscious suffering is the medicine to make the Automaton surrender to the Permanent Witness. The Automaton is an instrument. The Permanent Witness has to learn how to use it. This process comes into being with man number four.,,,,,,   

These 2 excerpts are from http://www.higherbeingbodies.com/a-dialogue-with-ocke.html

Ocke has a gift for putting the confusing Gurdjieff Work into practical language. The Automaton is our 'animal'. The Permanent Witness is when we are balanced (human #4) and being the Watcher as Eckhart Tolle puts its or Ken Wilbur's Witness Consciousness.

Edited February 19, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot

[tsuki]

@Zigzag Idiot That's a great resource, I read all of it. Thank you.
How do you think Remorse is related to deliberate self-criticism (honest observation)?
Is there a name in Gurdjieff's teaching that refers to the feeling of resignation when one becomes deeply conscious of his inadequacy and is content in just being?

Edited February 19, 2019 by tsuki

[Zigzag Idiot]

@tsuki Good deal! I'm glad you liked it.

It's taught in the Work that self observation is to be done without self criticism which for nearly everyone is a very difficult practice to arrive at. I think the purpose of this is to prevent the almost inevitable tangent that one will veer into when ones inner critic starts having a say, thus derailing the self observation. But to truly see my shortcomings will bring remorse or  "conscious suffering". When this occurs, my judgements of others is stopped because in a sense, I feel myself standing in everyone else's shoes. This makes me want to truly forgive my grievances with others.

Re: Is there a name in Gurdjieff's teaching that refers to the feeling of resignation when one becomes deeply conscious of his inadequacy and is content in just being?

Disputekrialnian-friction maybe, but minus contentment.

Perhaps Fulasnitamnian Awareness , which is simply 3 Centered Awareness. Simple, though yet, non-dual awareness,,,

[tsuki]

Yesterday I did the minimum amount of work required to satisfy my work ethic and didn't want to push myself to do anything beyond that. I sat with my boredom and observed it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and something about its relation power is being formed in my intuition, but it's not ripe enough yet to post it.

Anyways - due to my boredom - my attention was refocused on energy and I started to work on moving it towards my lowest center. I noticed that if I move enough energy so that it passes a certain threshold - it sticks there for a long time. It's very unlike my highest center which is quick to respond and deplete. The middle center seems to be responsive only if the other two are active. Conceptually - it seems the lower and higher center have different momentum associated with them. One is like a fireplace that burns for a long time, but requires effort to start, and the other is like a gas furnace that goes on and off. I don't have much experience with my heart, unfortunately.

I had a dentist appointment today along with teeth decalcification. The checkup was a little awkward because the dentist was uneasy with my presence. Both his assistant and the receptionist had wonderful facade of niceness, but it was too consistently cheerful to be genuine. This fact did not bother me much and I kept my focus on relaxing my animal. The questionnaire had a funny twist because it asked if I do any narcotics and I did not know whether LSD interacted with their anesthesia, so I wrote the truth. I wonder if it had anything to do with their uneasiness. They ignored it masterfully.

Before the decalcification I had some time to myself, so I decided to play with my energy and start the lower center. After 10-15 minutes the lady came and greeted me with a stiff handshake and facade of niceness that was much more forced than the other two's. She gradually started to open and be genuine, which surprised me a lot. The procedure itself was very interesting, as I watched my animal squirm on the table in anticipation of pain. I kept reminding myself that pain is a sudden energetic movement that is externally caused and did body scans with deep breathing. Various parts tensed up during my absent-mindedness, but it ended with me being totally at ease despite the pain. I'm tempted to have my cavities filled Ralston style, but my spiritual ego tells me that I should leave my ego out of it.

The important thing is whether the hygienist's openness was 'caused' by my energy in the lower center. Causation is a tricky word here because I may have opened myself with this movement and she opened in response. However, the law of attraction makes this distinction obsolete, so I'm not going to dwell on it. When I was leaving the receptionist also seemed much more genuine, I wonder whether it worked on her as well, or she was just glad that I was leaving.

[now is forever]

@tsuki what would be ralston style? gold? i would not put metal in my mouth - you never know if it might become a radio receiver and if so you maybe let them install some kind of on/of switch.

[tsuki]

@now is forever I heard that Peter Ralston had root canal treatment without anesthesia.
I'm not sure if I'm curious enough to do it this way though (thankfully, I just have some cavities).

[now is forever]

 @tsuki your not a man if you can‘t take the pain....

just do some selfflaggelation - your ego can slowly get used to it. 

[Gog]

74 (Turkey invades Cyprus) 11 (Tai) 33 (Tun) - just wondering what my options are

[now is forever]

14 minutes ago, Gog said:

74 (Turkey invades Cyprus) 11 (Tai) 33 (Tun) - just wondering what my options are

if i research that creatively i just get: troglodyte?

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, now is forever said:

 @tsuki your not a man if you can‘t take the pain....

@now is forever That is how my spiritual ego mocks me. I am still curious though.

I just remembered how I used to hate dentists because my mother would insist on that I shouldn't use anesthesia.
I think she was afraid of needles because she often said that the injection hurts more than the procedure itself.
I even remember playing frozen with fear at the dentist one time when I was like 11. It didn't work.

[tsuki]

2 hours ago, Gog said:

74 (Turkey invades Cyprus) 11 (Tai) 33 (Tun) - just wondering what my options are

@Gog You know, I know that you're into me, and I dig your style too, but we need a way to communicate.

[Gog]

@tsuki so everyone is using my spam box already, why not join the party, huh, ok then, here goes, a hug x

[Zigzag Idiot]

   11 hours ago,  Gog said: 

74 (Turkey invades Cyprus) 11 (Tai) 33 (Tun) - just wondering what my options are 

if i research that creatively i just get: troglodyte?

@now is forever said - if i research that creatively i just get: troglodyte?

@Zigzag Idiot says, Hey! That's pretty much my email address!!,,,, Isn't that synchronistic,,, or something 

[tsuki]

This is such a profound video. Very foundational for me.
I finally groked so many important things about nonduality and how it ties to shamanism. Leo, I salute you!
I'll have to re-watch sometime in the future and read the article.

[tsuki]

I noticed that I cling to the idea of reincarnation and I use it to justify my pursuit of wisdom.
Buddhists believe* that only wisdom is transferred upon death because memory and personality are tied to the brain that is physical.
Since they define wisdom very loosely (duh), I was skeptical of it, but it stuck with me nonetheless.

What gave me peace is the realization of what is wisdom. Of course, Buddhists say it clearly - it is the realization of no self.
One gets to reincarnate by being nobody - exactly like every nobody before and after him.
So, that's exactly the opposite of what Ego wants - it has to leave, so that past sages get to have their seat.

Edited February 22, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

The mind has been giving me a lot of shit today. It just wont surrender.
It's been almost two weeks since my first trip and my old friend anger has been showing up since Tuesday.
If I'm mindful, I can extinguish it with energy very rapidly, but it comes back from time to time. It's about my manager.
Thankfully, I haven't learned to express my outbursts externally, it would be a lot of hassle to forget them now.

I became aware of the fact that the mind is just a glorified echo chamber.
Very few thoughts are actually original, especially with idle chatter that goes on when I'm not paying attention.
I suspect that body is very similar in this regard - it just repeats patterns that have been formed out of ignorance.

I'm struggling now with my sexual drive because I just had a haircut and my imagination is running wild.
Relieving myself does not solve the problem because it just reinforces the pattern. I want it gone.

I'm working alternative shifts now to better overlap with my wife's schedule and it messes up my commitments.
I'm back to drinking coffee in the morning (2x) and I'm overeating when I'm back from work.
There are so many things that are critically important to improve that I feel like I'm trying to be perfect.
What else is there to do when I'm home alone for the whole day?

Edited February 23, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Yeah, no.
Suppressing my anger was a bad idea. I was just sexually frustrated, it's not the mind's fault - it was doing its job.
It's strange how sexual drive is wired differently in men and women. When I'm horny and I can't relieve it, I get agitated.
If I try to contain it, the shell gets constructed, but the animal is always looking through the cracks.
It doesn't matter that I'm doing my best to just be nice. It doesn't matter that I tell myself that I can handle it. I always snap in the end.

My wife on the other hand constructs her shell to protect herself from customers at work. She's unaware of her body.
I can get her physically aroused quickly, but the mind just won't have it. That is, until the body cracks the shell open and releases all of the emotions at once. Of course, the mind being a mind - it won't acknowledge the fact that it is subject to body, but she slowly starts to get it.
Not that it helps the tantrums though.

I am not infallible. I get angry. I get sad. Sometimes, I snap.
Every blade is double-edged. Being emotionally aware is great - only as long as you're not trying to control your emotions.
The body rules the mind. The mind has a bit to say in the matter, but building dams to contain tsunami is not going to work.
The mind is a subtle, magnificent tool. It's like a dial indicator. It gives precision, not force.
I can't mistake it for a hammer because I will get disappointed that it's not doing its job.
Funnily enough - some of my inner dialogs with my manager use this metaphor to teach him delicacy with people.
I could use my own advice sometimes.

[tsuki]

 

[Aeris]

20 hours ago, tsuki said:

 

it's bullshit for kiddy shit nihilist.