What am I?

[tsuki]

Which preexisting beliefs/thoughts were confirmed by the trip?

The mind is composed of [flaps/triggers/clicks] that either go on/off, good/bad, friend/foe, etc.
Some of the flaps are hard to flip and momentum of everyday psyche is not enough to push them.
The flavor of bodily energy I that I ordinarily call 'emotion' is the experience of a flap being pushed on.
Freedom/agility of the mind is determined by the amount of loose flaps. It is how intelligence and ego are connected.
Ego is blindness. It is the mechanism that glues flaps to their positions.

I do not understand the reason why a position of a flap is chosen to 'stick'. I can't believe that it's random.
Is it a past trauma? Trauma being change that is too sudden for the animal to bear.

[tsuki]

30 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Which preexisting beliefs/thoughts were confirmed by the trip?

The mind is composed of [flaps/triggers/clicks] that either go on/off, good/bad, friend/foe, etc.
Some of the flaps are hard to flip and momentum of everyday psyche is not enough to push them.
The flavor of bodily energy I that I ordinarily call 'emotion' is the experience of a flap being pushed on.
Freedom/agility of the mind is determined by the amount of loose flaps. It is how intelligence and ego are connected.
Ego is blindness. It is the mechanism that glues flaps to their positions.

I do not understand the reason why a position of a flap is chosen to 'stick'. I can't believe that it's random.
Is it a past trauma? Trauma being change that is too sudden for the animal to bear.

While I have been thinking that during the trip, upon reflecting on it - it is just a belief.
What is much more truthful is that discursive, structured thoughts expressed through language are waves in the ocean of the subconscious mind.
In the everyday life, I am just too stupid to notice the depths of what is happening and thoughts are just the thing that is the most easily seen.
I am so glad that I'm back to being stupid and I'm so thankful that I learned to appreciate it.

[tsuki]

I keep wondering who even reads this journal.
I see the view count of the thread increasing, but the amount of people that I come to contact with does not explain it.

If, by any chance, you follow my journal and want to say hi - you're very welcome to do so now.

[tsuki]

On 15.02.2019 at 8:01 PM, tsuki said:

2.venturing deeper into delusion,

So, why does it trigger my ego?
Well, who the hell are you to judge me by your standard of delusion, mister? I am definitely not going to trust society with establishing what delusion is, so it's you versus me with no arbiters. If I am truly deluded, then wouldn't you seem deluded from my perspective? If that is the case, then how do you know that it is in fact me, who is deluded and not you? Because you trust your inner sense of truth? Because you meditated your ego out of existence? Don't give me that bullshit, I know you're just a scared little animal that wants to survive.

Oh, because what, you are a personal development teacher that wants to threaten my ego? Oh yes, my ego feels triggered as fuck, good job with that. Your mere sight via TV screen triggers me, how loving you've become! Soon, you're gonna be stoned to death like a proper saint by pedestrians on the street, that's how pure you are! Rotten society can't stand you, they will poison you like Osho, or something. 

So, now that I established that I'm deluded to the point of being triggered by my own imagination, what did I learn?
It seems like I am a spiritual ego that is attached to my commitment to honesty and truth. Do I think that I am somehow better than a 'regular' person? Hmm, calling people regular compared to me, really does seem like I'm putting myself on a pedestal. Why do I care so much about being recognized if I committed to being nobody? Do I do this for myself, or do I do this for other people?

Until recently I thought that by becoming a useless teapot, I reject society's influence on me and develop myself to the point that people can't help to need me. That's a first-class delusion of a spiritual ego. Now that I experienced some suffering and opened up to vulnerability I suddenly feel inferior and play the game of a gentle puppy. That's just another survival strategy, but in order to find balance, I need to explore it and understand its insanity.

The strangest thing is that I really do feel that I need people and I do not pretend to be vulnerable. This very journal is the place where I rip myself open publicly, so that people know what kind of crazy person they deal with. Is this some form of masochism? There is this strange feeling of a fresh wound that feels, hmm, pleasurable - or at least authentic, alive.

Well, as useless as I am - I still need other people. At least this knowledge gives me different grounds for functioning in society.
Now, I develop myself for two purposes:

1. So that people can't help but need me
2. Because I understand how useless I am and I need others to take care of me

That's a paradox where from one point of view I am this perfect crystal statue of usefulness and from the other, a vulnerable being made of flesh and bones. Can I balance this delusion without being ridiculous? I guess there's only one way of finding out.

Edited February 17, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

On 15.02.2019 at 8:01 PM, tsuki said:

3. using spirituality to escape my boring everyday life.

Here's an entertaining story related to this point. After my last trip I talked to my neighbor about our housing association. We were both dissatisfied with the flow of information between the management and inhabitants, so I realized my idea of creating a facebook group. I printed out invitations and went around the building, talked to my neighbors (some of which I never met before) and invited them to join.

I am well aware of the sticky situation between management and the inhabitants, so I hope that this thing will turn out alright for everybody. It's not a matter of hope, really as I've put myself out there and actually talked to people, so I'm kind of responsible that this thing will turn out well. Everybody seemed genuinely interested except for one person that surprisingly, was the head of management. That guy was scared shitless. First, he told me that if I wanted to do such a thing, then I can ask management to do it on the next meeting. Then, he tried to persuade me that there is no point in creating the group. Then, he went ahead to complain about the inhabitants that do not cooperate with the authority. Then, he asked me to join the management. When I asked when will be the next meeting, he vaguely replied that it'l be held next month, but it haven't been decided when exactly. He wasn't even able to tell me how we will be notified of the date.

I don't know if he's scared because people will gossip about him, or because he knows that he's not playing fairly. I am definitely not going to let the group devolve into petty squabble and name-calling. I'd much rather close the group than let this thing happen.

What does it have to do with spirituality? Hmm, it triggers me because my life is, in fact, boring. Especially when looked upon from the perspective of everyday repetitive routine. I am pretty sure that I can become bored by anything, so I don't think that it is really a valid measure of my spiritual practice. I learned to be indifferent to boredom. When I'm bored, I remember the times when I went over the top and take pleasure in it. Just like I enjoy being stupid again, or praise the fact that I will die some day. That is stoicism 101.

EDIT: That's humble bragging 101.

Edited February 17, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Am I a spiritual hipster, a satire, or a parody? I can't seem to decide which.

This triggers me a lot. I kind of feel like the joker that outright denies insanity.
I think of myself to be sane precisely because I watch my insanity very closely.
I distrust people that say that they are good, or the ones that deny their animal nature.
I have an acute sense for liars and I'm allergic to salespeople. The better salesmen they are, the more I despise them.

Hmm, still no arbiters here.

Edited February 17, 2019 by tsuki

[Zigzag Idiot]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

I don't know if he's scared because people will gossip about him, or because he knows that he's not playing fairly. I am definitely not going to let the group devolve into petty squabble and name-calling. I'd much rather close the group than let this thing happen.

Head of management sounds like he's paranoid and projecting. Maybe if he were reassured you didn't have an ax to grind and expressed what you have here, maybe he might relax? If given some space?

Skilllful means in dealing with others seems to be a shortcoming of mine, though. I'm often misunderstood.

31 minutes ago, tsuki said:

This triggers me a lot. I kind of feel like the joker that outright denies insanity.

I can relate. But then I see in everybody, including me, the multiplicity which correlates with the Jokers shatteredness. But then I also relate to the Joker in being misunderstood by others because he's someone at ease in following the strange attractor,,,,

[Zigzag Idiot]

Dead pool looked great. I had no idea,, Looks really interesting and the philosophy behind it also. Synchronicities everywhere I turn. My sister called me a Don Quixote years ago. Up till then, I was clueless about Don Quixote and have stayed that way. What she said made me further resist reading anything about Don Quixote until now. 

I have to avoid prolonged exposure to cynicism. It's wrecks my energy. One reason I'm so out of tune with popular culture,,, just shut it out or large chunks of it. I cancelled my satellite tv service earlier this year and have broken the 'watching the news habit'. Nothing wrong with me cursing or being irreverent, to a degree. It's how I'm feeling as I say it that counts.  Everything goes south if I start expressing negativity. I think it's why I used to stay so depressed years ago. Unrealized suppressed negativity and guilt in the subconscious.

[tsuki]

13 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

Head of management sounds like he's paranoid and projecting. Maybe if he were reassured you didn't have an ax to grind and expressed what you have here, maybe he might relax? If given some space?

Yeah, I know. I was trying to reassure him, but he was so stuck in his thought-loops, that he barely gave me space to talk. When he did, I commented on my ignorance about current affairs and that I do not pick sides. His response was 'what sides, is there any conflict?'. To that, I responded: 'Well, you seem to imply that'. The more I think about him, the more sympathetic I become. His most redeeming quality was deep respect for another member of the management that supposedly 'holds this thing together'. He said that he lived above him, but nobody introduced himself to be a part of the management, so I don't know anything about him. It makes me curious. If I met him, then I really respect him for his silence.

13 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

I can relate. But then I see in everybody, including me, the multiplicity which correlates with the Jokers shatteredness. But then I also relate to the Joker in being misunderstood by others because he's someone at ease in following the strange attractor,,,,

Now that I thought of it some more, I do not agree with Jared (from wisecrack) that Joker denies insanity. Joker affirms it so thoroughly that he treats it like air. He is completely at ease with his condition, to the point of making jokes about it. I can't help but to see the tragedy of what he had become. His most disturbing quality is the fixation on external acknowledgement. He wants Gotham, Batman and the world to see how insane they are compared to him by pretending that they are normal. He is so far gone that he kills and tortures people to prove his point, that everybody is just one bad day away of losing it, and of course - he is right. We are all crazy, some of us are so crazy that they can't even acknowledge it. I don't know whether Joker is aware of his need of validation or not, but it is deeply egoic. It seems like he is, which is how I read the ending of the 'Killing Joke' - and in that case, he has truly become a sage, unable to turn away from his fate. He is a force of nature, the embodiment of insanity. It's a terrifying idea that I could become like that one day.

What do you mean by 'strange attractor' @Zigzag Idiot ? Can you elaborate? It piqued my interest - wikipedia mentions it only in reference to chaos theory and fractals (both are my favorite subject).

[tsuki]

17 hours ago, Zigzag Idiot said:

But then I also relate to the Joker in being misunderstood by others because he's someone at ease in following the strange attractor,,,,

@Zigzag Idiot I can relate to him in this regard as well. People tend to respond with hostility towards things they do not understand, simply because deep down, they don't believe that there is something beyond their understanding.  That they know how the world works.
I can envision Joker venturing deeper and deeper into his insanity for what seemed to him valid, rational, reasons. In doing so, he gradually lost touch with other people, unable to explain what he does - even if he was true to himself. At some point, he just accepted that there is no way back and embraced his loneliness.

From this point of view, he's like a lost, abandoned child. His need for external validation does not surprise me.
It may be easier for him to guide people in, than find his way back. A mind that is once opened is difficult to contain.

Edited February 18, 2019 by tsuki

[Zigzag Idiot]

3 hours ago, tsuki said:

What do you mean by 'strange attractor' @Zigzag Idiot ? Can you elaborate? It piqued my interest - wikipedia mentions it only in reference to chaos theory and fractals (both are my favorite subject).

Please forgive my inability to summarize and condense better. I came to a rough understanding of the strange attractor through the Keyserling/Losey Wisdom School Website. 

The following is from chapter three of Chance and Choice:

http://www.chanceandchoice.com/course-overview/cosmogony/

(1) - Around 11,000 years ago the first Neolithic Man evolved from Paleolithic animal Man. From that time on we have had the potential to shed the last right-left symmetry by taming the Strange attractors. (2)

Since the human life stage is so relatively new, we are still born with the animals right-left axis of symmetry and must strive to attain true Humanity. Although there are some differences in the symmetry of the human face, overall we are as left-right symmetrical as the other animals. But with our neocortex abilities, our capacities of language and number, we can self organize out of this last constraint.

One of the keys to self organization is the coherent application of chance to ride the strange attractors. In this way we can use both the brains we are born with, the left and right hemispheres of the neocortex. The left hemisphere, turned to the cosmos and structure is digital, linear. The right hemisphere, turned towards chaos and chance has its origin in the nine numerals, the archetypes of fractal scaling. Each should be allowed to develop fully, to be different and totally asymmetrical. When the right brain is as strong as the left, a higher identity is created. The higher self follows the Strange attractors, epitomized by Mandelbrot set, z z¾ + c, and also corresponding to the musical octave and the Tao symbol.

Most of us are still right left symmetrical because our left brain so totally dominates the right. We have to shift our emphasis from cosmos to chaos, from left brain dominance, to right brain balance. Then the right is not just an imitation of the left, it is different, unique. The last symmetry is gone and now the two asymmetrical sides can cohere in a new singularity. The ego, subject of the left hemisphere, becomes the organ of the Self in the right hemisphere. It attains this by establishing true contact with the Other. 

Right brain coherence comes through receptivity to the workings of the Strange attractors, to constrained chance. In the moments when this is realized, when we are in a coherent flow with the unpredictable turbulence of the World, we have attained the birthright of Man. We have realized the potential to self organize to a higher stage of evolution. As a whole being, in touch with both sides of ourself and others, we transcend the left-right animal symmetry. With two fully developed, yet distinctly different brains, we are autonomous, asymmetrical, truly free from outside manipulation. We have attained a higher inner coherence, a self organization in the midst of chaos. To animal man we seem like Strange attractors indeed. On the surface, and in the moment, our actions may appear haphazard and foolhardy, but over time the wisdom and beauty of the Human Man will be apparent to all.

(0) - The highest stage, beyond even the higher Man, is merger with God, the great singularity beyond name and form, as the real subject of Being, through synchronicity, love, and illumination: reaching the eternal moment.

The five stages correspond to the dimensions and mind layers:

Zero dimension Awareness makes possible integration of the four dimensions and the four states of consciousness. It allows Man to enter the fourth dimension and gives him access to the fractal forces of the Strange attractors.

By moving from the left to the right brain in regression you can relive past lives, past evolution, back to the origin of the Universe in the Great Singularity, and the exploding force of the primal Fire-Quanta. This regression back to the original primal Quanta puts you in touch with the source of Self-Organization, the Power of CHI. This opens you to the energy and force needed to maintain coherence in the fractal chaos of the fourth dimension.

Now let us look at all of the energies together which can be understood as an energy field of Cosmic Mind. The following correspondences appear in Cosmic Mind today to make up the basic Myth of Science. Myth is not used in a derogatory sense, as just a myth, but in the sense of a true belief system which gives meaning to life. Science has largely replaced the old religious myths which were in tune with the feudal and ideological structures of the past. The following chart summarizes the overall cosmology of the myth of science and shows the relation of the five layers and the seven constituent parts.

The radiation of the photons is awareness through seeing and sensing. The electromagnetic energy of the electron allows awareness through smelling and thinking; the thermodynamics of the atom through tasting and feeling. The fission of the Galaxy becomes conscious by the power of speech, of the spirit creating new entities out of entropy. The fusion of the sun is the basis of the synergy of the soul, interpretation and reading, the creation of meaning. The gravitational energy of the earth is accessible through the sense of touch.

The mathematics of the molecular forces represents the basic structure of the Will. With living forms Will is the capacity for growth and reproduction through the genetic code. The subject self organizes and grows based on the strange attractor. New beings arise through fractal scaling according to the overall structure of the Cosmic Mind using the energies and mathematics of sound, the molecular vibrations or movement of matter, soul and spirit. With Man this process of the growth of being using free will was described by Buddhists as the creation of the immortal Diamond Body or the Golden Flower. By using free will in tune with the Strange Attractor and the energies of sound, our associative consciousness can change into Cosmic Awareness. The subject moves like a fractal in scales from the lower self imprisoned in deep molecular sleep, to the transcendent light of zero synchronistic awareness. This is the final aim of evolution, making sense of life and becoming co-creators of the manifoldness of the Universe.

 

A little more to follow,,,,,

Edited February 18, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot
Corrected and added link

[Zigzag Idiot]

Helpful for me also was reading these short articles-

https://schoolofwisdom.com/fractal-wisdom/

https://schoolofwisdom.com/fractal-wisdom/the-ultimateparadigm-shift/

https://schoolofwisdom.com/fractal-wisdom/benoit-b-mandelbrot/

https://schoolofwisdom.com/fractal-wisdom/four-chaos-attractors/

You'll run into the links of couple of other articles which I've left out, if you're interested.

 

[tsuki]

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you. I resonate with what you wrote, but there is some resistance towards the last two paragraphs.
Can't see it clearly, but I'm glad that I asked.

You seem to have come across a lot of, hmm, esoteric (for a lack of a better word) texts. How did you become interested in them?
Your sources are always similar in the sense that common people would consider them spiritual nonsense (I hope that you take no offense, I do not consider them as such - just no better description comes to mind).

[Zigzag Idiot]

No offense taken. I agree that conventional blue/orange SD will view a lot of this as spiritual nonsense or not seeing it as transrational but as prerational perhaps. The Keyserling/Losey S.O.W. website was one of my first discoveries of the internet years ago just by chance and it resonated so I kept returning although it was mostly over my head. It lead me to reading Charles Tart and others as well as the Gurdjieff Work.

I just finished watching Leo's video on the strange loop this morning. He mentioned a couple of related videos that I plan to watch soon. I can't say that I understand all of this but only in a general way of groking,,,,

 

[tsuki]

I remember my fascination with strangeloops. I'm still recovering from it.
My latest discovery was the difference between total order and partial order.
Life seems like 1 < 2 < 3, but it's more like rock paper scissors.

Edited February 18, 2019 by tsuki

[Gog]

I will summarize my intuition on the subject having only coded a Mandelbrot set from a book without actually studying the maths. Hearsay tells me that the infiniteness of the reals leads to undecidability and indeterminism, nevertheless attractors exist.

The question to my mind is what is the difference between a strange attractor and a simple attractor for want of a better word.

My guess/mental download is that a strange attractor gives rise to a fractal whilst a simple attractor gives rise to a rational state.

Comments.

[Gog]

Zen(0)'s Solution

Fractal = lessons to be learned

Rational state = lessons learned

God(el)'s Solution

The statement is false = fractal

The statement is true = rational state

[Gog]

A bit off topic but I'm still interested in how one achieves a rational state from a strange attractor...

According to my Green Grocer, the Romanesco appeared in England some years ago:

What is it's true origin, tasting as it does like a cross between a cauliflower and broccoli?

Edited February 18, 2019 by Gog

[tsuki]

@Gog By rational, you mean post-postrational? I wonder if there really is such a thing.
I'm starting to lose hope. I have always wanted to somehow integrate logic and paradox, but I never succeeded.
The only thing that comes close is using mathematics in a poetic way, but it loses all of its utility.

Edited February 18, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

This is so inspiring.
Ever since yesterday I became aware of how much I write and think about myself. How important I am to myself.
Is there even a difference between writing a journal to self-actualize and writing it to self-admire? I am so proud of being self-conscious.

The uncomfortable truth about being a hipster is that I'm boiling with rage that is fueled by my powerlessness. Having post modernism defined as a cultural movement, I am trapped by something that I use to escape being pigeonholed. I am furious because I can't outsmart it and I am smart enough to know that being smart is easy. What is difficult is authentic love without being proud of it, and I fail at the last bit miserably.

So, am I a hipster, a satire, or a parody? I want to accept being a hipster, be a satire of myself and a parody of spirituality.