What am I?

[tsuki]

Ohh, and I'm back to obsessive checking out of the forum.
I have to get back to being productive! My success is at stake lol.

[tsuki]

Today I will be tripping on LSD for the first time. 100 ug.
"What am I?" will be the question.

[tsuki]

I took 100 ug 8 am in the morning.
The idea was to ask myself 'what am I', but very early into the trip it became apparent that I don't really want to know that.
I had the answer for the next 7 hours after I took it and I just can't take it. It's too much.
I have a friend with me and I called my mom to help me. It's so good to have other people to depend on.
I'm so glad that these people do not see what I do. It makes me want to protect them from it.
I'm so glad that my wife is away so that she does not witness it. It's terrifying.

If I ever come to a bright idea of taking this substance ever again, I hope that these people will prevent me from it.
Curiosity had killed the cat.

@now is forever, @Zweistein, @Leo Gura, @Zigzag Idiot 
I look up to you. It's good to have stronger people to depend on.

[Zigzag Idiot]

I was wondering and glad you checked in. I've been where you are. It can humble the shit out of you,,,,

You'll get your legs back underneath you and be ok,,,,,

Being "broken open" can often show us the wisdom of integrating a deeper level of loving kindness.

Edited February 12, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot
Being broken open,,,

[tsuki]

I just read these three last posts to my wife. I'm so glad that she's finally here.
@Zigzag Idiot Being broken open is exactly how I feel. If you ever wanted to see more, you have to be insane.
Who is your 'big daddy' to put your pieces back together for you?

[Zigzag Idiot]

26 minutes ago, tsuki said:

I just read these three last posts to my wife. I'm so glad that she's finally here.
@Zigzag Idiot Being broken open is exactly how I feel. If you ever wanted to see more, you have to be insane.
Who is your 'big daddy' to put your pieces back together for you?

Time and your own heart resolves the every-which-way-ness,,,,

Breathe deep belly breaths. Try not to self criticize.

[now is forever]

@tsuki hey, sorry i wasn‘t writing earlier - had some issues with logging in today and then my useless brain almost skipped remembering...it’s not always this bad, both, my brain and tripping! i‘m sorry it cracked you up.

do you want to tell something about what happened? the work now is the most important, may it be a good or bad experience!

why do you say you look up to us including me? why does that not include you? you helped me a lot here, so i wonder why it should not include you? did we not agree that it’s on eye level? so translated it means you need us now - i‘m sorry i let you hang alone for so long!

Edited February 13, 2019 by now is forever

[now is forever]

so maybe it’s about this - don’t know though how fresh all of it is, maybe you need some time until you can reflect it better! maybe it is all still oscillating wildly and need to settle a little more. 

to put peaces together we need to gather the peaces first!

Edited February 13, 2019 by now is forever

[Zigzag Idiot]

3 minutes ago, now is forever said:

so maybe it’s about this - don’t know though how fresh all of it is, maybe you need some time until you can reflect it better! maybe it is all still oscillating wildly and need to settle a little more.

You describe how it was for me when I feel I was in a similar place. It's an intense ordeal. It helps to not come to conclusions about anything for a few days. When things "turn bad", there is an inherent tendency to immediately take vows of sorts but if there is any way of just holding things as neutral for a few days and not fixing a label on it, there is often deep wisdom to be had in holding things lightly. It's a common experience and it catches people off guard. There's no shame in that because it is also very real. It's hard to describe how disturbing it can be. 

[tsuki]

@now is forever @Zigzag Idiot

My ego was unraveled to such a degree that I was reduced to a sobbing infant crying for help.
My ordinary consciousness is constricted/constructed by things that are more or less unthinkable. I reject parts of myself that I feel are too uncomfortable to witness. Yesterday, I saw everything, as every nook and cranny of my existence was forced open to bleed.
What bled out was pure energy, ecstasy, understanding and love. And it was too much.

I was working with energy for the past few months and I was able to induce this movement without LSD. I usually am able to induce it in my head, chest and hips. Sometimes fill my whole body with it, but it's a rare event. With the drug however, all floodgates were forced open, full throttle, for 12-16 hours. Every inch of my body was filled with it and I couldn't take it. I was acutely aware of the fragility of the body, I saw it to be a formless blob of soft skin with a few even softer spots such as eyes and tongue. I noticed how badly I treat my body, how badly it treats itself. I was aware of the constant struggle to survive of every part of it, especially the constant struggle to not bite my soft tongue with my hard teeth. As I was eating, it became absurdly apparent that to even feed myself, I have to point a sharp fork towards my face. 

Speaking of my face, I had a good look on it and I understood how underdeveloped it is as a body part. I can move my hands, but my face is like a stone mask. Well, I gave it a good stretch, I tried every muscle and every expression. It became nothing special, just another part of the formless, soft blob of my body. Again, my eyes fascinated me, as I saw them to be so soft and fragile, almost liquid-like. I understood that I could have easily plucked them out with my fingers and I was terrified of the irreversibility of this act. At the same time however I knew that these eyes are not mine and I simply would become something else. This irreversibly was a big theme of the trip, I unraveled my mind to such a degree that I had to ground myself in my body and pray to it so that it would undo what the mind did to itself. I acutely understood that I could have as easily unraveled my body with LSD, but I was afraid to leave. I did not know where would it take me. I knew that I would re-form as something else eventually, but I could not let go of my wife. The thought of my wife, my marriage, my wedding ring was the nook of my mind I refused to open and explore.

At the same time I knew that I was incapable of doing anything, that my curiosity had led me too far to keep the illusion of an actor. I knew that the only thing to do is to be. That all there is, is just pure being, without any sort of destination, that this curiosity that poured through every inch of my body was all that there was. It felt as if my whole body became a giant eye that was composed of infinitely many small eyes that wanted to know. At the same time, it had the answer. The answer was not knowledge, as knowledge was just another closed wound to unravel. The answer was a feeling of satiation, like when you quench your thirst. I experienced this feeling of satiation for 12 hours and it was unbearable. It was like taking a starving person, strapping it to bed and feeding it past its limit. All I could do is to be until the body twists the mind back to a shape that could function. I was thankful that I could become stupid again, I was thankful that I can not know and I was thankful that it would finally end. Everything always finally ends and I was even thankful that I would physically die at some point and become something else because I understood my insanity which is rooted in unchecked curiosity.

Speaking of my insanity, I became aware of how this force affects my relationships. Why I people are afraid of me, what kind of monster I had become. My friend was my tripsitter. We know each other since kindergarden and I started to unravel him as well. I was unable to lie, to pretend. I told him that I call him my friend only because I can see myself as a success compared to him. That he is a 30 years old fat neckbeard that lives with his mother. I immediately understood that the fact that I told the truth did not matter one bit and that is how I hurt people. That is why they are rightly afraid of me. Because I refuse to look away from my own wounds and I treat others the way I treat myself. I hurt them to make them feel good, and the driving force is my curiosity. I'm like a kid with a magnifying glass.

I understood that he was not my friend at all. I tried to drive him away, but he stayed and I understood that he simply does not have a choice, that he is driven by the same force as I am and this is exactly why he was my friend. That we are stuck together and that to make friends is to need them, to show them how vulnerable you are, so that they cannot refuse. To show them the infant within me and cry. I called my mom and just said: come to me, while crying. She did. She did not judge me, she was even curious and when she saw how emotional I was, she wanted some too, but I couldn't let her. I had to protect her form her own curiosity. I understood that there are stones that should be left unturned and this is how friends are made. I have said multiple times that I have to protect my wife from curiosity and that 'a purpose of a wife is to fuck off from her'.

When I cried out for help, the rest of the trip was much better once I could hug a soft woman's body. First, my mother, and then my wife, after she came back from her trip to her mother. When she came back, she sat with me and we had a few hours of hugging and conversations. I was so vulnerable that I felt like a raw steak being beaten with a hammer. I tried to go to sleep 13-14 hours into the trip, but the night's rest was very difficult for both of us.

Today I feel empty and glad to just be. I started the day by taking care of my body and being gentle with my wife.

There is one last thing that is worth noting about the trip, which is how I perceived time. It was like it became two-dimensional. It was like on top of normal, linear, time was another time. That each now had its own timeline. Time within time. Each second felt like eternity. Each hour like another life. Each song on the playlist like a whole separate reality and all of them filled with terrifying love. I became a bigger facet of absolute infinity and I couldn't take it.

Edited February 13, 2019 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki mhhh some of it reads quiet funny.

maybe you need to learn to eat with chopsticks? that’s less brutal.

Edited February 13, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

@now is forever I guess that's why I look up to you.

[now is forever]

@tsuki  my ego likes that - but you know i can’t do much except eating with chopsticks and walking with chi, that’s what i‘m really proud of. except that i‘m also lost most of the time and depend on conciousness to arise from outside, a lot. that’s sometimes really difficult as some people especially men often just don’t want to talk about matters that could concern me - so how could i navigate?

i think it’s really nice that you opened up to vulnerability! even though the experience was rough! love is also the feeling of being needed to survive, seing how you need someone and how ugly that feels for the other if you are pushing the other away, who is equally in need of your love. 

love has different qualities, there is the body/heart quality and the mind quality. they are different and you seem to have a lot of questioning/mind love, it‘s a little stronger than the other one, but it can also help a lot! as long as you work on it, it might be the trip was not the worst experience at all. 

your wife seems to be the benefactor

in that sense i‘m a little bit jealous in general - i‘d wish i had a partner who would be aware of this like that. so for your relationship sake don’t loose that insight too fast!

hope you are not taking it bad, that i show own wounds while you are showing these really fresh ones. hope it can hint to some positive aspects of realizing these mechanics in your own direct experience.

Edited February 14, 2019 by now is forever

[tsuki]

20 hours ago, now is forever said:

hope you are not taking it bad, that i show own wounds while you are showing these really fresh ones. hope it can hint to some positive aspects of realizing these mechanics in your own direct experience.

No, I'm not taking it bad and you can show your wounds. You're okay. It's just that It feels like I already said too much and it tries to frame it into something positive or negative. I'm repulsed by this feeling and I prefer to stay quiet for now. I'd rather be kind to people and talk about your wounds. 

I spent the past two days caring about myself, my wife and everything I see. I started caring about my face, I asked my wife to have me appointed to the dentist. I went to have manicure (I bite my fingernails a lot because I don't like how they look). I went to the car wash and took care of my car that I neglected for so long. I bought myself a comfortable pillow today. I had a long walk in the forest and exchanged some energy with my favorite tree. Some trees were so old that their presence frightened me. I felt immense respect for them and I didn't have the courage to touch them.

Huh, still talking about myself. I even cried a bit, and here I thought I was okay.
Sigh, I do feel violated and the strangest thing is that I liked it.

[now is forever]

44 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Sigh, I do feel violated and the strangest thing is that I liked it.

that’s maybe because the violation brakes open your channel to the beings around you - it opens you up for respect to yourself and other sentient beings. that’s respect for life itself, caring is indeed the only thing that can heal neglection. 

[tsuki]

I actually had a vision of this way of being I experienced on LSD. It was during my previous mystical experience when I unraveled my senses.
It was just a few glimpses, but it made a very strong impression on me. I wondered how can one live like that. I understood back then that it has to be possible, but it overwhelmed me very quickly when I experienced it.

Today I noticed that everyday acts of aggression in the animal kingdom of men don't bother me as much. When I had a rough time and couldn't handle it, I escalated my pleas of help until they were met. If my mother wouldn't soothe me, I would escalate it to the hospital. If that didn't help, I would escalate further. Aggression is a plea of help that is escalated far enough that it is answered by mother nature itself. It's a shame that I don't usually recognize it for what it is. That is the very reason why people become aggressive out of habit - they had to become sharp out of neglect. I am preoccupied with getting my own needs met and I don't notice the pleas when they are still subtle. I can only see them when they are threatening to me and it is too late to meet them appropriately. This is why life seems like a struggle.

I am actually impressed with the hanged man card @now is forever. It depicts my situation very accurately.
How did you learn tarot? Did you just start to use it one day until it became tangible, or did you have a teacher?

The old trees were frightening because I found a new appreciation of time. 16 hours of time within time taught me that 200 years can be a lot longer than I can imagine. I am actually glad to be stupid enough to not notice time slipping through my fingers. I am so glad that I will die one day.

[now is forever]

@tsuki i don’t know tarot - it’s just intuition. only know the fool and the hanged man until now  maybe there will be more... like the strawberry card - well that i know, too.

[Zigzag Idiot]

Who is the Hanged Man? Is he a saint, a righteous man. an initiate? 

He can certainly be regarded as all three, for all three have in common that their will is an organ of heaven, but what he is most especially, what he represents individually, is neither sanctity, nor righteousness, nor initiation, but something which is their synthesis. The Hanged Man is the eternal Job, tried and tested from century to century, who represents humanity towards God and God towards hu- manity. The Hanged Man is the truly human man and his lot is a truly human one. 

The Hanged Man is the representative of humanity who is found between two kingdoms— that of this world and that of heaven. For that which is truly human in man and in humanity is the Hanged Man. And it is the Hanged Man who said, thousands of years ago: 

 

Has not man a hard destiny upon earth,
and are not his days like the days of a hireling? Like a slave who longs for the shadow,
and like a hireling who looks for his wages. .. Oh that my words were written!
Oh that they were inscribed in a book!
Oh that with an iron pen and lead 

they were graven in the rock for ever!
My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside. . For I know that my Redeemer lives,
and at last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been thus destroyed, then from my flesh I shall see God,
whom I shall see on my side,
and my eyes shall behold, and not another.
My heart faints within me in expectation'. 

(Job vii, 1-2; xix, 23-24; xxiii, 11; xix, 25-27) This is the discourse of the Hanged Man across the centuries.

 

From MEDITATIONS on the TAROT

 

[tsuki]

The hanged man from your description @Zigzag Idiot seems a lot like a shaman.
I still have a very long way to go to get there, but I recently found a new appreciation of ordinary people and my subconscious mind that ties these aspects of shamanism. I was always wondering why a shaman needs people he cares for and I knew that it had to go beyond basic self-interest and employment.

To see reality for what it is, I need to release the grip of my everyday life and venture into what common people call insanity. It's so easy to get my ego involved in all of this. It's so easy to make a mistake and not be able to find a way back. If ordinary people knew what I know, they wouldn't be able to prevent me from going too far. They would cheer for me. I need them to ground myself and have a reason to return to my ordinary life. They are stupid and they do not understand neither what, nor why, but I need to respect them for it and hope that I can bring something of value back to their lives so I'm worthwhile to keep taking care of.

After my trip I'm much more in touch with my animal nature and I recently understood that I perceived the world through the lens of my subconscious mind. If I do not have an anchor strong enough to convince the animal that we will return - It will fight for its own survival. I am thankful for it. It is a powerful anchor and I relied on it during my last trip. Taking care of my body and everything else is the most important thing I can do when I'm back to being stupid.

Now that I think about it, it does not go beyond basic self-interest at all. It goes beyond employment though, but not necessarily.

Edited February 15, 2019 by tsuki

[tsuki]

During this video, my Ego got triggered by the suggestion that I am:

1. reinforcing my preexisting beliefs,
2. venturing deeper into delusion,
3. using spirituality to escape my boring everyday life.