What am I?

[tsuki]

2 minutes ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki what is this about? why do i feel like a dressed chihuahua now? or was this about yourself?

No idea. We are all, always, talking about ourselves.

[now is forever]

yes of course! this was the best one i could find:

without any second thoughts...just for the absurdity of it.

Edited November 23, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

I just went through the journal and feel/understand/see that the sense of vision does not exist.
This is the post that triggered it:

22 hours ago, tsuki said:

Now that's something quite remarkable.

I was wondering what does it mean for the sense of sight to be a 'dimension'. Isn't it obvious that it is 2 dimensional?
When I look at the screen, the screen is flat. It is not a line.

I was curious about this vision thing, that looking at something is about looking at something else.
In the sense of movement, touch is what implies separation.
In the sense of vision, distance is what implies separation.

As I read this post about vision being two dimensional (plane, not a line), it just struck me.
Vision is not even a line. Distance does not exist.

Oh, and my inner voice seem to have stopped yapping. I wonder whether it will come back.
I fear that it won't. Sigh. Relax, buddy.

[tsuki]

In relationships, there is inner (me) and outer (you). Object is zero, God is infinity. 
Closing the loop requires me to see the way in which zero and infinity are alike.
Breath is still the gatekeeper of thoughts.

[tsuki]

The moment that I realized to be the whole of bmoidnyd, it became apparent how ripe with energy it is.
Harnessing this energy is what chaos magic is all about.
It's like nuclear physics. Energy is stored in egoic constraints.
Breaking them releases heat to work with.

I suppose that the amount of heat one can work with determines the skill of a chaos magician.
It is not even about 'my' mind anymore. There is no boundary between the mind and reality.
Upset the order that is fundamental enough (like sacredness of human life) and see how reality snaps back at you.

[tsuki]

Today, during a shower I spontaneously started chanting AUM to merge thoughts with speech.
It fascinated me how the voice was reverberating on the -M of the mantra. I got distracted by this and it went away.
Later in the evening, I started to meditate on breath with stirring of the inner movements.
It always made me wonder why does the exhalation of the breath help with the inner movements?
Well, I started to chant AUM during the inner stirring and... voila. Reverberation!
When I chanted the mantra I was also seeing something like white light when I closed my eyes and focused on my forehead.

Why do I even write this? It seems like a distraction. I bet that I will regret this tomorrow.

Edited November 23, 2018 by tsuki

[tsuki]

After this whole thing I feel like a warm spiral color again.
There seems to be no conflict between individualism and collectivism though.
It just is. I just redirect the energy.

[tsuki]

Difficulty in performing any action is rooted in the existence of ego.
If I consider something to be:

• outer,  alien, impossible, disgusting, inappropriate, taboo,

then it means that there is also:

• inner, familiar, possible, beautiful, appropriate, normal.

The distance between what I experience and my comfort zone (or vice versa) is what I call meaning.
Meaning is the difference(distance) between yes and no.
The midpoint between things of equal (but opposite) meaning is what I call Ego.
The point furthest away-from the Ego is what I call Shadow.

There are two paths of liberation:

1. The path of centering: approach the Ego and surrender to stillness.
2. The path of the absurd: approach the Shadow and surrender to movement.

Edited November 24, 2018 by tsuki

[now is forever]

@tsuki you certainly can’t mean you want me to dress like that? or did you want to say, you want to dress like that? i mean that’s what you are referring to with the absurd isn’t it?

it‘s so absurd just look at it:

i don’t know if that would move anybody, though.

coincidences can result in strange strangeloops, when they are strangers strangeloops.

Edited November 24, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

Yesterday was my sister's name day and she had a party that I attended.
Usually I'm not too comfortable in situations like this because I feel like a sore thumb that sticks out.
Conversations around me usually involve things that I don't follow, like: news, sport or politics in general.
My strategy in these situations is to simply admit to myself that I am a clueless fool by choice and use this opportunity to learn the most important news about the world. It turned out very well actually and I had a lovely evening. People seemed to genuinely enjoy my company.

In the middle of a party I had a moment for myself as everybody's attention turned to TV.
Fortunately, they were thoughtful enough to decorate their place with candles so I took this opportunity to meditate on flame.

Yesterday I woke up with a headache (slept for too long) that went away around 1 pm.
In the evening I had a superb meditation session where I worked with my energy.
It was very flexible and I could focus it in every major point along the spine at the same time.
It was like a symphony played inside of me.

Today's night was dreamless. My mind orbited around peaceful thoughts of unity.
I woke up well-rested.

[tsuki]

23 hours ago, tsuki said:

Difficulty in performing any action is rooted in the existence of ego.
If I consider something to be:

• outer,  alien, impossible, disgusting, inappropriate, taboo,

then it means that there is also:

• inner, familiar, possible, beautiful, appropriate, normal.

The distance between what I experience and my comfort zone (or vice versa) is what I call meaning.
Meaning is the difference(distance) between yes and no.
The midpoint between things of equal (but opposite) meaning is what I call Ego.
The point furthest away-from the Ego is what I call Shadow.

There are two paths of liberation:

1. The path of centering: approach the Ego and surrender to stillness.
2. The path of the absurd: approach the Shadow and surrender to movement.

I was thinking about this definition of meaning and it is really a bizarre situation.
It is a group operation of the sense and I know how it works, but it's like I'm doing this in reverse.
Let's take the group of integer numbers with addition. I know the numbers and I know the operation.
I know that 2+3=5 and that -3+2=-1.
The symmetry of addition over "0" is secondary.
Its associativity and all of the other properties seem artificial.

With meaning it's like I know the symmetry, but I don't know the elements of a set.
I can only say what is inner and what is outer and if I think/feel, I can tell the zero element.
But in this case the operation itself seems artificial, secondary.

I was trying to create an example - what is 'not me' and this idea comes: my boss.
So there is me, and my boss and we are meaningfully connected.
I am 'inner' he is 'outer'. What meaningfully lies between us, what is neither mine, nor his is: the company.
The company is not really mine, as I'm not involved in the topmost decision process.
It is also not his however, as he is also dependent on the capabilities of the employees and their willingness to cooperate.

So, the zero element is the company itself. Now what are other elements of this set?
So I started plotting people on the line, drawing them closer and further along the zero and what struck me is this:
I am sorting people with respect to their male/female energy content relative to mine.
But what does it mean to 'add' people in this group? Is it the energy content of a given experience?

[tsuki]

Yesterday, I watched Leo's newest video. I'd peg myself as stage 5: taming the ox.
There's so much work to do that it's not even funny.
Thankfully, I forgot to take coffee to work and I can enjoy my suffering instead.

Oh, and a new thought came up: I am energy. Let's investigate that.

Edited November 26, 2018 by tsuki

[tsuki]

Today I had a lucid dream.
We were trying to get somewhere with my father, my sister and another person via a car.
My father was driving. Whenever I drive a car in my dreams I can't seem to steer it properly. 
It always glides when I turn and it crashes, but it keeps on driving and on every turn I tell myself that I'm going to make it this time and it crashes yet again. Every crash seems to be just a scratch, but I'm always uncomfortable for violating the traffic regulations.

Anyway, I am aware of this gliding pattern in my dreams and it was not me who was driving this time, but my father.
I noticed it and told my sister and that other person that it's just a dream. We did the reality check with a clock (reading an hour twice and seeing two different times). They believed me and the dream dissolved shortly after that.

The rest of the night was filled with peaceful thoughts of unity.
It's strange because I can't seem to remember any of the thoughts that I had, but I remember being aware of them.
One symbol that I recognize is this 3 dimensional cuboid drawn with light that I knew was just Ego.
I can only tell the overarching peace and goodness that I felt that night and that it was filled with thoughts.

[tsuki]

Let's talk about the energy that I feel myself to be.

I no longer feel that there is anything inner and outer on the bodily barrier. I feel that whatever 'this body' is, it is not separate from anything else. There is no solid substance that separates its inner sphere with the outer world. There is skin, but it simply converts motions to emotions. There is sight, but it is just another way to convert the energy. There are thoughts, but they are sounds that the energy makes when it enters the body and resonates within it. It's not like I can observe this energy directly, but I can recognize its various manifestations. Energy is an abstraction that creates equivalence between senses. Senses are an abstraction to create equivalence of experience.

The abstraction is, however, a way to express this equivalence, like it is in physics. There is, for example kinetic energy and potential energy that create equivalence between stillness and motion. But it's not really there. It is a way to store the energy within me/you in the form of thoughts that are heard in the buzz of the resonance of the mind.

Now that I wrote it, it sounds awfully like the description of consciousness - the formless substance that reality is made of.
Did I pick this description up from somebody else and re-appropriated it for my own purposes? 

Sigh, of course I did pick this up from 'somebody else'. Knowledge is the structure that energy resonates off from.
We program each other and create filters that make us react to reality in various ways. Boundaries of 'entities' are just lenses. Programs.

I seem to have found myself in dead=alive, mechanical=intelligent, secular=sacred reality again.
I've been here before, but for a few brief moments. Lets see where this takes off to.

Edited November 27, 2018 by tsuki

[tsuki]

I'll have to look more closely to this phenomenon of attention.
Attention is focus to some of the senses while 'disabling' others.

The amount of times I go unconscious during the day is absolutely staggering.
I have an intuition that the two are somehow related.

[now is forever]

@tsuki what is the difference between consciousness and awareness? thought you would make more of a difference between them. what is consciousness in that context for you? i mean do you fall into coma? - sorry for being a nerd, maybe there is another explanation, i didn’t think of. but if reality is made of consciousness - it’s impossible to be similarly conscious and unconscious. 

i used to use consciousness and unconsciousness for awareness/unawareness of sustainable/unsustainable contents of conciousness, but would maybe not use it that way anymore.

Edited November 27, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

Well, what I mean as awareness is described in my previous post as 'energy'.
It is a word that denotes that, which manifests itself in various forms.

What I mean by being unconscious refers to two things actually:

1. Getting lost in a mechanical, habitual patterns of behavior. The loss of lucidity, like when scrolling facebook.
2. Being used to the idea that I perceive things when they are not in my direct experience.
   For example, when I focus on writing this text, I'm used to the idea that my breath exists.
   Now, that I wrote it, it appeared once more. It's very easy to attribute 'attention' to will.

I think that these two uses of 'unconsciousness' are somehow related.
I wonder how all of that relates to memory.

[tsuki]

So, when it comes to automatic, mechanical states of awareness, here are my 3 addictions to surrender:

1. Caffeine
2. Porn
3. Snacks

What are the trigger points for caffeine addiction:

1. It's cold at work and I'm warming up my hands
   * Buy heating pads, change the body temperature (?)
2. I'm sleepy early in the morning and after each of the 2 meals at work
   * Drink tea (?), improve my diet, start to exercise.
3. I like the taste of coffee
   * Drink malt coffee instead (?), drink coffee to increase the status of a situation (dates?)

I'll have to research body temperature and sleepiness more.

[now is forever]

i wonder, too. some other things. for example how you do that.

but, wishes, hopes, dreams, chances - why are you wondering if they are related to memory?

(was related to the post before the last one. don’t think i‘m really interested in how you do the content from the other post)

but of course body temperature is related to body energy...if energy is awareness well then it would be also related to that. - my mom always recommends linden blossom tea to set temperature up in the body. but you can use other herbs, too. mh - maybe i‘ll have a look what they use in ayurveda.

(and tsuki i thought you where married? so maybe the real challenge would be only nr.3- see that’s the equation solving problem)

Edited November 28, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

i wonder, too. some other things. for example how you do that.

but, wishes, hopes, dreams, chances - why are you wondering if they are related to memory?

Well, their recurring nature reminds me of this idea we call memory. That there are things that we store and bring forth, either willingly, or unwillingly.
Recently I came to understand that memory may simply be this acausal cycle of something that has alternating nature, like: A->B->A->B...

For example:

• my coffee addiction may cause itself by disturbing my natural sleep pattern which causes me to be sleepy in the morning
• I bite my fingernails because I don't like how they look and I try to 'fix' them without proper tools.
• etc (the cycles may be longer).

In this case, all addictions are a form of ignorance with respect to how some behavior influences our cycles. 
It is not that this ignorance is somehow avoidable - we do have to experiment - but it creates bondage nonetheless.
(Now that I think of it, it does seem like the Buddhist description of karma)

When it comes to, for example, childhood memories, I suspect that these are shadow material that is reinforced through our everyday life.
That reinforcement may take the form of "wishes, hopes, dreams, chances" in your case.
In my particular example - all of them seem to have something to do with various forms of trauma and releasing them leads to peace.
By peace I mean: treating everything equally, as simply occurring, and not disturbing.

Edited November 28, 2018 by tsuki