Medication for psychosis has stopped my spiritual growth

[Anirban657]

This is related to Leo's blog post on Understanding Psychosis- https://www.actualized.org/insights/understanding-psychosis

I had 3 psychotic episodes. I am mentally ill. 

It started after I started doing meditation. The first episode was after 3 months of 20 minutes of meditation daily. The second episode was after 5 months of the first episode. The third episode was 5 months after the third episode.

I had no hallucinations but I was misinterpreting things radically. I thought everybody wanted to kill me. ( Maybe thats because I have a history of being bullied in childhood.)

In the first episode I was thinking that God wanted to kill me for all my sins. And I felt a constant terror in my body to the point that I couldn't sleep even holding my parents' hands. I was taken to a psychic who helped me.

In the second episode I thought that I was trasported to an alternate reality(I was wrong), I jumped in to a pond to commit suicide, I was unable to sleep for over a week, and I felt like my higher self was being expressed through me. I was taken to the psychiatric hospital but they did not medicate me thinking that I was just pretending because I was in the higher self mode.

In the third episode I could not sleep(insomnia which may be caused by my 20 minutes of meditation), I again felt like my higher self was being expressed through me. This time too I was taken to a psychiatric hospital and they medicated me and diagnosed me BPAD with Psychosis and gave me medication.

But now whenever I try to meditate now I am unable to do it. I also feel depressed most of the times inspite of 3 anti-psychotics and 2 anti-depressants. I feel headache on the top of my head. Life feels hopeless. 

As Leo said- "Doctors will often just think of you as crazy and load you up on drugs, making the situation much worse.", Doctors infact think me as crazy and have loaded me up with medicines.

When I suggested to the psychologist that they need to fix the root problem which is my childhood trauma of being bullied ,they said I am just depressed and I need to do more activities to overcome my depression. I mean they give no importance to emotional healing. I feel lost when I can't even rely on the professionals. 

please give your opinions and advice. Thank you!!

[Leo Gura]

Sorry to hear that. Our society is not really designed to treat these kinds of edge cases.

The advice is: take full ownership of your life. Do not expect anyone else to solve your emotional or psychological issues for you. Get a journal and start working it out yourself. Start doing research, start reading books, start watching videos. Become the expert on your condition and cure yourself.

Sounds like you got more fundamental issues to resolve before you worry about meditation.

Find a way to ease off the drugs if it is safe to do so.

You can solve this. It will just take some work.

[Charlotte]

@Leo Gura Great response from Leo.  Although I don't know if easing off the medication is the right approach as they could literally save your life (stop suicide). But I'm in 2 minds with this. 

 

@Anirban657  I'm sorry to hear this ♥️

I also believe that your condition is due to repressed trauma. I've recently started seeing a private therapist who offers the humanistic approach to therapy and so far it's amazing. I highly recommend. I pay for it, it's worth every penny. 

Could you have a scan online? 

Also (as much as possible)...

* Eat healthily 

* Exercise regularly

* Be out in nature regularly

* Try and sleep well if you can (a good routine)

Sending you so much love ♥️

[Anirban657]

@Leo Gura Thank you so much for everything Leo!! 

[Anirban657]

@Charlotte Thank you!!

[Charlotte]

@Anirban657  You ever need someone to talk to I'm here ♥️

@Leo Gura  I've just watched the TED talk and I actually cried. My mum had a mental breakdown when I was younger, she was sectioned (in hospital) for around 10/12 month's.

Recently I've been talking to her about it. She told me she 'experienced' god at one point. She's also come out of this, funnily enough as the 'healer' now.

My mind has been opened completely. Thanks for sharing this. ♥️

[Annoynymous]

@Anirban657 I can feel for you brother.

Just hang on. You will solve your problem by yourself regardless who is doing what. You will be fine.

A lot of love for you  

[Socrates]

@Anirban657 That's why I am extremely cautious of  "experts" and doctors that I cannot validate their expertise.

But on the other hand on your situation is not like you have many options. You either go to an expert (socially acceptable) or you don't.

The hard but most effective thing is to figure it out for yourself as Leo said but you gonna catch a lot of flak for doing that.

Ideally, I'd say is to find an expert with the necessary knowledge of the work we do here or find an alternative healer.  

 

 

[YellowButterfly]

I have to reply to your topic because I’ve had a similar issue to you. Though with me it was completely in the reversed. Meditation really helped me work through this in me though I would EXTREMELY advise against continuing to meditate for you if it’s posing this sort of danger to you. Stay safe, but I would offer up one thing that I began to understand that helped me start tackling this. What you are considering as your higher self in these situations might not be what you think it is. You did state that you realized you were misinterpreting your prior experience. That’s a start. What my psyche would do for the longest time is act like a spontaneous limb reaction or similar to turrets. Have a fear? It would amplify it. Not want to do a thing? It would say, “Hey! Let’s do just that!” I know that just simply saying recognize this in yourself and fight it is cliche, but I had to. If you label it as your higher self, which I really don’t think it is, you can tend to think, “Oh, I HAVE to follow this because it’s higher self.” I’d recommend avoiding meditation and take your power back from it. Similar to the ego turning on you. Don’t let it. That power lies in your hands and your hands alone.

[Tetcher]

You had your first episode after 3months of daily meditation.

 

What meditation was this ? We can do a lot of things sitting with eyes closed.

Also you said nothing about psychedelics, what was the gap between your last trip and your psychotic episode ?

[Anirban657]

@Tetcher I just focused on my breathe during meditation. And I did not take psychedelics in my life.

[Hellspeed]

9 hours ago, Anirban657 said:

This is related to Leo's blog post on Understanding Psychosis- https://www.actualized.org/insights/understanding-psychosis

I had 3 psychotic episodes. I am mentally ill. 

It started after I started doing meditation. The first episode was after 3 months of 20 minutes of meditation daily. The second episode was after 5 months of the first episode. The third episode was 5 months after the third episode.

I had no hallucinations but I was misinterpreting things radically. I thought everybody wanted to kill me. ( Maybe thats because I have a history of being bullied in childhood.)

In the first episode I was thinking that God wanted to kill me for all my sins. And I felt a constant terror in my body to the point that I couldn't sleep even holding my parents' hands. I was taken to a psychic who helped me.

In the second episode I thought that I was trasported to an alternate reality(I was wrong), I jumped in to a pond to commit suicide, I was unable to sleep for over a week, and I felt like my higher self was being expressed through me. I was taken to the psychiatric hospital but they did not medicate me thinking that I was just pretending because I was in the higher self mode.

In the third episode I could not sleep(insomnia which may be caused by my 20 minutes of meditation), I again felt like my higher self was being expressed through me. This time too I was taken to a psychiatric hospital and they medicated me and diagnosed me BPAD with Psychosis and gave me medication.

But now whenever I try to meditate now I am unable to do it. I also feel depressed most of the times inspite of 3 anti-psychotics and 2 anti-depressants. I feel headache on the top of my head. Life feels hopeless. 

As Leo said- "Doctors will often just think of you as crazy and load you up on drugs, making the situation much worse.", Doctors infact think me as crazy and have loaded me up with medicines.

When I suggested to the psychologist that they need to fix the root problem which is my childhood trauma of being bullied ,they said I am just depressed and I need to do more activities to overcome my depression. I mean they give no importance to emotional healing. I feel lost when I can't even rely on the professionals. 

please give your opinions and advice. Thank you!!

What type of Label did they put on you? What exactly the doctors said and how do you experience your day to day life?

[Anirban657]

@YellowButterfly Thank you so much for the advice!! As Leo said about journaling,I am journaling to keep my ego under control. I will be fine.

[Anirban657]

@Hellspeed The doctors diagnosed me that I had BPAD with psychosis. The doctor also said that I had anhedonia. The label I think would be "psychosis".

On a day to day basis I get headaches(not migraine) and I feel frustration,depressed and social anxiety.

[marijuanafinder]

I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you'll get better soon.

[Hellspeed]

5 hours ago, Anirban657 said:

@Hellspeed The doctors diagnosed me that I had BPAD with psychosis. The doctor also said that I had anhedonia. The label I think would be "psychosis".

On a day to day basis I get headaches(not migraine) and I feel frustration,depressed and social anxiety.

Channel your sexual energy into the colon and left leg for grounding. Do you have throat knots when you feel frustrated, and in which part of the skull is the pressure when you depressed? 

[kieranperez]

What medications are currently on? I've been on more mood stabilizers, SSRI's, ADHD meds, and tranquilizer's than I care to count and have gotten off all of them. 

I really agree with @Leo Gura on this. This is a more fundamental problem that's not going to get fixed with medication. Most meds work tremendously well in the beginning (once they kick in after the first few weeks or so), and by beginning I mean the first month or so, and then they start wearing off and it's like your back down to baseline. Medication for these kinds of things really is just a dead-end path because you'll likely be on them for a bit and then while you talk with the psychiatrist he/she and you will likely decide "oh this isn't working let's change up the meds" and then you waste years and also money trying to find the right mix of meds. 

I do agree with @Charlotte somewhat where they can help calm early and even late stage cases of being suicidal but that's all... they help but they don't solve anything and quite honestly you'll get much more bang for your buck just in terms of cash and time you're putting down looking for other routes that actually go after the root cause of all of this. You'll save yourself so much more time, money, and also mental health from ditching the traditional route most people go down. In the end, it doesn't fundamentally work because they're not looking at addressing what's fundamental. I can't tell you how much I wish my parents invested in Reichian Therapy, psychedelics for therapy (good luck getting even 0.0001% of parents agreeing to do that), Shadow work, dream work, psychoanalysis, neurofeedback, etc. 

[daniel695]

@Anirban657 i feel for you buddy. im also diagonsed with psychosis and are on medication. the medication is paliperidone 150mg monthly. im also experiencing chronic headache and foggy brain for the past couple of years. all i can say is stay strong and continue to work on yourself. how are your family supporting you?

[Anirban657]

@kieranperez

A mood stabilizer for mania, Zoloft, an antipsychotic, an antidepressant.

I previously thought I was given 3 antipsychotics and 2 antidepressants but when I check the above were the current medication.

 

 

[Anirban657]

@daniel695 My family is very caring and loving. They fully support me. Even when I was saying stupid things in my psychosis, they understood me and cared for me. Thank you so much!!