BIGGEST INSIGHT OF MY LIFE i think

[Viking]

I wrote a ton of posts here about my motivation issues. I dont want to read books, I dont want to study, do homework, I dont want to learn, etc. I had it my whole life and it started to ruin my life.

I got a ton of generic and not so generic advice, such as: center yourself, do nofap, quit addictions- you are overstimulated, meditate more, become enlightened (lol), etc.

none of which worked. Ive been meditating for a year, I am usually centered, i did nofap, whatever have you. nofap worked short term because of the increased energy levels, but it didnt tap into the core of the problem, so I kept having resistance to doing all that stuff (studying, reading..) so it didnt work in the end.

about an hour ago I was restless so I sat to contemplate random stuff for fun. I thank god for that decision now, maybe.

I thought about how I hate studying. I thought what I did like, for example playing around with photoshop, watching tv, and then I remembered that I did enjoy to do some homework from previous courses, and then I realized it, it wasnt a lightbulb kind of realization, I just understood it as a possibility. it may be wrong but the more i thought about it, it made more sense. I still doubt it, but here it goes:

i dont believe i am able to do those things successfully. I have low self esteem.

when I did homework from previous courses I enjoyed doing them because I actually managed to do them. I like using photoshop because im successful at it. i dont dislike watching tv because it doesnt require any skill, so of course i believe i can do it.

homework from most courses i did, i always made mistakes, couldnt solve it, had to use refferences, therefore i hated it so much. regarding books, I have read more than 5 self help books, but i gained NOTHING out of them (or maybe I did, but I dont notice it), i wasnt able to integrate them, so when i think about opening a book, my subconscious realizes I wont get anything out of it, so why should i bother, therefore i have huge resistance. 

a pretty lame explanation, but I wasnt able to falsify this hypothesis with any examples.

I grew up with low self esteem. im a fucking physics student that does fairly well and I believe most people are smarter and better than me. I always second guess myself. I believe that im a shitty human being and not deserving of love, so when someone says something good about me I think theyre either lying or I get a strong emotional reaction (not as strong as to cry). tbh i post a lot in this forum just to get attention, subconsciously obviously (not so much now, eh?) 

Ive been wanting to read "six pillars of self esteem" already about 2 months but never got to it because of resistance. I probably dont believe ill be able to implement whatever is in that book. I guess ill try to get into it. I never realized self esteem is so important.

[Shin]

You can do it ?

[d0ornokey]

14 minutes ago, Viking said:

i dont believe i am able to do those things successfully. I have low self esteem.

 

Good. This was my same exact insight. 

The way I am changing it is by visualizing (which i also believed i couldnt do, so this was difficult) me being extremely competent 

and then i am embodying that self image through all areas of my life. so far it's working like a charm 

 

im so happy for you. 

 

however, when i was high, i got the insight that "look at everything as solvable like a calculus problem" (which calculus i feel competent enough to do). so that helped me a lot. 

 

in reality, you CAN. you just dont believe you can 

Edited November 14, 2018 by d0ornokey

[Azote]

I know what you feel bro.

Exercises from 6 pillars are actually quite easy, I feared that there would be some comfort zome challenge shit like "go lie down on the street for 30 secs", but no

 

[Viking]

for people out there: if you also have resistance and motivation problems reflect upon it keeping self esteem in mind. i noticed it could be extremely sneaky, and it may not seem like the core cause is self esteem.

for me I guess my lack of motivation happened like this:

low self esteem ---> when trying to study, I believed unconsciously I couldnt make it ---> I had resistance to study, because I believed on some level it was futile ---> I studied half ass ---> I actually became bad at the subject ---> my belief that I couldnt make it was reinforced and the cycle continued

same with books: i believed I couldnt integrate what's in the book ---> had resistance to do the work the book required ---> did the work half ass or not at all ---> didnt integrate the book ---> I believe I cant integrate the book ---> even more resistance

[aurum]

5 hours ago, Viking said:

I never realized self esteem is so important.

And now you know why people told you to meditate. Meditation is definitely not a quick fix, but it will definitely help.

[Viking]

4 hours ago, aurum said:

And now you know why people told you to meditate. Meditation is definitely not a quick fix, but it will definitely help.

yeah i realized it after i wrote the post

[Gabriel Antonio]

That's a good insight. I don't know why you had to write the title in CAPS though lol 

Anyway, this reminded me of the flow model:

I hope you can fix your self-esteem issues and do the things you're good at  

[d0ornokey]

@Gabriel Antonio THIS 

also check out Brian Johnson's latest insight 

[denydritz]

Congratulations on your revelation, @Viking

I want to add that low self-esteem is a symptom by itself. Esteem is related to your self image, or how you see your self. If you say you are resistant towards doing certain tasks, like studying or reading, because you feel you're not good at it, it means you are defending your fragile self image.

*By 'you', I don't mean you individually, but a general 'you' to address myself and those who are reading this post.

Protecting our self image requires us to only follow the activities that confirm we are likeable, such as tasks that make us look and feel smart. It can become a rewarding trap, that is it makes us feel good and like we are on the right path, but it actually doesn't lead anywhere because it doesn't necessarily make us grow beyond who we already are.

Realizing that you have self-esteem issues is a step in the right direction, but I think there is a deeper issue that is signaled by your level of esteem. A question I would ask myself is, "Why is it important that I protect my self image, or only do tasks that protect my self-esteem?"

[non_nothing]

The problem is "YOU" as Leo told in one of his videos, I guess It was Self-deception series, I'd recommend watching it

EDIT: Also as a bonus: Life is a dream. Man that Leo, is some good.

Edited November 15, 2018 by non_nothing

[Viking]

52 minutes ago, d0ornokey said:

@Gabriel Antonio THIS 

also check out Brian Johnson's latest insight 

the acdc singer?

[Privet]

IMO self-esteem stuff is quite superficial and doesn't directly address the root problem, which is childhood trauma/neurotic conditioning.

Dig deeper.

 

[YaMayka]

I would recommend Teal Swan for that - she has some good insights on the subject (it helped me). Her book "Shadows Before Dawn" is just what can help (if you get a bit motivated to read it - otherwise try some of videos). It's great to have an insight like that - great shadow work

[Salvijus]

What good is your self esteem? 

You will feel confident that you're a success. You will feel "yes I can do this, I believe in myself".

And you still will fail.

Success doesn't come to you because you believe in yourself. It comes because you're capable. 

 

 

Anyways...... Your problem is much more complicated then that. You're struggling to do something that you don't like.

Right now you don't want to touch anything that causes you some misrery or frustration or failure. Because you yourself are struggling to be happy and on top of it you try to do things that make you even more unhappy.

The only solution is you need to become happy from inside. Then doing something that you don't like will be no problem because anyways your happyness is no longer determined by what's happening outside.  When how you are becomes your making. Then you'll see. Whatever needs to be done you will do it joyfully without any self-esteem meditation. And you will produce much better results because brains work at their best when you're happy.

Buy some organic dark chocolate or use some nootropics or do some happyness kriya. it will create a pleseantness inside you. It will a be great boom to you when it comes to do things that you don't like.

 

Edited November 15, 2018 by Salvijus

[Viking]

13 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

The only solution is you need to become happy from inside. Then doing something that you don't like will be no problem because anyways your happyness is no longer determined by what's happening outside.  When how you are becomes your making. Then you'll see. Whatever needs to be done you will do it joyfully without any self-esteem meditation. And you will produce much better results because brains work at their best when you're happy.

i know this is the end goal but it will take years to achieve that happiness from the inside, maybe even enlightenment.

eating chocolate wont make me happy, and in order for the yoga to work i need to attend at least inner engineering which i dont have the money nor the time right now.

17 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

You will feel confident that you're a success. You will feel "yes I can do this, I believe in myself".

And you still will fail.

Success doesn't come to you because you believe in yourself. It comes because you're capable. 

this is so wrong. the resistance is caused by my belief that i cant do it. its a main theme in psychology.

if i improve my esteem i will enjoy doing what i do and wont have resistance.

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, Viking said:

i know this is the end goal but it will take years to achieve that happiness from the inside, maybe even enlightenment.

eating chocolate wont make me happy

It takes 2-3months to achieve that not years.

Chocolate helps. Tho it's not a perfect solution. But it helps. You just dissmissed it without any reason or experience in this.

1 hour ago, Viking said:

 and in order for the yoga to work i need to attend at least inner engineering which i dont have the money nor the time right now.

 

Anyway it's not like you have a better choise right now, isn't. You can try finding some happyness producing kriyas in books or internet. Maybe there's something. Or at least try Isha kriya witch is free.

1 hour ago, Viking said:

this is so wrong. the resistance is caused by my belief that i cant do it. its a main theme in psychology.

if i improve my esteem i will enjoy doing what i do and wont have resistance.

Resistence is caused by your fear of failure. You know you've been unsuccessful before and now you're afraid of it. 

Only when what's happening within you is in your hands, only then you will dare to walk life full stride. You will have the strenght to fail a 1000times or maybe even die as complete failure and still be happy because that failure makes no difference in your life anymore.

What your self esteem will do? You will build this confidence up up up and it's true that then you will feel like "yes I can do it" and the resistence will be gone. But you will crash the moment you fail on the floor witch is called reality. And you will fail there's no question about it. Because if you're not good at mathematics,. believing that you're a math genius is not gonna change the fact that you're not

Edited November 15, 2018 by Salvijus

[Viking]

4 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

It takes 2-3months to achieve that not years.

 

ive been doing kriya yoga extremely rigorously for 3 months, it gave me nothing but headaches

[Salvijus]

11 minutes ago, Viking said:

ive been doing kriya yoga extremely rigorously for 3 months, it gave me nothing but headaches

What you did was probably not designed for producing happyness. Maybe it was opening chakras or third eye or enlightenment or psychic abilities or who knows what you were doing. It's extremely subtle process. Each kriya does different things

I guarentee you. If you do shambhavi you get there in 2-3months and then you go take a blood sample and your blood chemestry will be changed. Chemistry of joy and happyness.

This is guarenteed to you like science. If I said it takes 20min to boil the rice. It's like that. It takes 2-3months to boil you from inside into a bliss manifacturing being.

Edited November 15, 2018 by Salvijus

[Viking]

3 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

What you did was probably not design for producing happyness. Maybe it was opening chakras or third eye or enlightenment or psychic abilities or who knows what you were doing. It's extremely subtle process. Each kriya does different things

I guarentee you. If you do shambhavi you get there in 2-3months and then you go take a blood sample and your blood chemestry will be changed. Chemistry of joy and happyness.

This is guarenteed to you like science. If I said it takes 20min to boil the rice. It's like that. It takes 2-3months to boil you from inside into a bliss manifacturing being.

dont get me wrong, I want to learn shambhavi badly, but I cant learn it. and I dont trust other sources because its dangerous.

is isha kriya the 5 minute thing? that i really doubt does anything, I tried it and it didnt work.