Falling away of self -> Awareness of dream?

[kieranperez]

As some have you might’ve seen in my other posts, I’ve really been going through this deterioration of self. Motivation(s) have been crumbling and prior passions no longer make much sense to me anymore nor compel me at all. I no longer really long to master what I’ve been committed to master for the last 11 years which is running so now I really have no direction. I’m still living at home as what not with just this part time retail job I can’t stand and don’t know what else to do with my time anymore.

I don’t know why but I feel this correlation between this falling away of old self and what I’m experiencing now. To be honest, I haven’t even really been meditating that much either. I don’t know why but since I’ve been asking a break from running and I’ve also been in this dead ‘I have no idea what I want other than this enlightenment thing’ and I’ve been having this “shift” in awareness or perspective (I don’t know). Everything seems so much more dreamlike. Not in some fantastical or altered sense. I’ll just look at people and the view around me at the park and I’m at and now all thoughts, emotions, “visual phenomena”, auditory sensations, bodily sensations, all seem to arise in the same “place”. There is no gap. It doesn’t even seem real. This whole notion of an “external world” doesn’t seem to make much sense anymore. There have been no “awakening experiences” keep in mind. I haven’t grasped the absolute nature of myself or anything nor have I had any experiences of such things either. Everything that comes “into” awareness no longer has any other substance than awareness itself. Like, when I look at a tree, there’s not much of a registering that it’s some physical thing. A lot these distinctions seem to just be breaking down. 

I don’t know what the correlation is. I feel like I’m starting to see the unreality of what I’ve always deemed to be reality. I’ve watched the videos and learned enough theory to get the conceptual background on this but still... I haven’t even been practicing... 

Edited November 13, 2018 by kieranperez

[Flammable]

Go with it and see where it takes 'you'