Feeling hopeless about the prospect of having friends or intimate relationships.

[lmfao]

This is gonna be a long thread. I'm going to copy and paste some text for the "Context to my question" and for "my social experiences in school". I hope that these sections help you build a picture of me. 

Context to my question

I understand very little about why my experiences happened the way they did, and I can't figure out what I was chasing after back then and what I'm chasing after now. Whilst the details of my memories aren't incredibly sharp in terms of precise mundane details, I have a very detailed and rich memory of important phases of my life during high school and the underlying emotions I felt at the time.

Although I say that I understand very little about my past it's probably the case that I understand a lot about my experiences, it's just that I don't want to accept and confront the fact that I've always felt like an alien/outsider in my interactions with people. The feeling of being misunderstood and lonely, subtly yet strongly, permeates all of my experiences from when I was 4 years old to now when I am 18.

It might be worth noting that I'm an INTP who suffers from anxiety/depression, and I've got a parent mother who was/is abusive to me (to only describe the relationship with the word "abusive" wouldn't accurately convey the nuanced situation however). My mum can very paranoid and holds delusional suspicions (which are not targeted at me), and I have a strong family history of psychosis and other mental illnesses from my mother's side of the family. My dad has depression. My parents have always been arguing. I likely have some autistic traits which I have inhereted from my mum, but I would probably be what you call "high functioning". 

My social experiences in school

I'll talk a bit about my experiences, by first starting with primary school [ which I was in when aged 4-11 years old]. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I was a very shy kid by the time I was 4. Apparently I was very late to speak as a baby, which is maybe a consequence of autism. From the very start of primary school, I was mildly bullied and was socially excluded. Although I can't pinpoint a reason for this, I think this happened because of the fact I behaved strangely as a child. Although I behaved strangely, it was far from being malicious or violent. There was also a racial component to this, as I have a distinct memory of older kids calling me "chocolate bar" but I'd respond with "milky way" (a white chocolate brand). My name is Mujtaba so they got the idea of chocolate bar from adding an "r" to the "ba" component of my name, very funny and peculiar actually. 

By the age of 6-7, the bullying stopped and as I mildly gained the respect of people around me. Around the age of 7 I naturally developed a very strong interest in maths, and this has stuck with me for life. It was something I was constantly praised for by adults. Thankfully I wasn't bullied for this at all in primary school. Even after I stopped being bullied, I was at the bottom of the "social hierarchy". I was often peoples last choice for playing games with, and it felt as though I had to always make an effort to fit in and get people to play with me. I finished high school at age 11. I didn't stay in touch with anyone from primary school.

 

 

 

At age 11 I then entered a private high school. When my first year started, I found that I was being popular for reasons I didn't understand. It might be because I was blunt and would tell offensive but funny jokes, and represented a paradox of maturity and immaturity. I was really good at tackling people in rugby even though I was short, and so the sporty kids loved me for that. I was friends with the "jocks" and "the nerds" at the same time. I was tired of being a nerd during earlier points in my life, so I tried to fit in with the cool kids.

However, they weren't really on my wavelength at all. Some relationships aren't meant to be. I found them to be superficial and shallow beyond belief. They shared different hobbies from me for the most part. They were allowed to have girlfriends whilst I have had the opposite sex demonised to me because of my upbringing. The "cool kids" detected that I wasn't on their wavelength as well, but I maintained a casual relationship with them for two years. Although I interacted with the cool kids, it was the "nerds" who were my real homies. I just went to the "cool kids" temporarily if they were doing some fun activity like playing football or rugby.

Something at the centre of my being rejected everything about the way the "jocks" acted. They were arrogant, genuinely malicious at times, and wanted to put whoever they could down around them.

 

 

During my second year of high school I developed a major crush for someone, but I couldn't pursue anything because of my religion. She was really good looking and gave me signals (e.g. She was touching my leg repeatedly with her foot under the table) , but I never did anything. This led to me having great frustration. I ended up question religion as a whole during my adolescence, and I became an atheist at age 13/14.

And for the first two years of  high school, I had two close friends. These two guys happened to be the two highest academic achievers in all subjects, whilst I only "shined" in maths and science. Despite this, we had many similar interests and fun playing games with each other. They were on my wavelength. 

 

 

After two years, I had drifted away from the cool kids.

After two years my loneliness started to grow. When interacting with the vast vast majority of people I felt like an outsider. During my third year of high school, I fell down the dominance hierarchy, quickly spiralling down towards the bottom.

During my third year of school, people were put into different classes of "ability". I was separated from my friends for science classes because I never bothered to study. 

One of the two close friends I had started drifting away to hang out with the girls, and I didn't follow him. I was too awkward and my religion hindered me. Plus the girls he choose to hang out with were unpleasant, gossipy people. I had just one friend left, and I didn't end up seeing him too often. This friend that I had left was Asian and Muslim like me, (unsurprisingly?). 

My interests were in discussing philisophy, religion, science, psychology, politics and etc but nobody elses were.

Whether it was sitting in classes, eating lunch, and walking to classes, I was lonely. Rooms would be full with multiple cliques (nerds, normals, jocks, etc) of people talking loudly, I would be awkwardly at the side. I watched from the sidelines everyone enjoy their life. Hung out with nerds, but didn't really feel connected to them. As high school went on, my loneliness grew and grew.

 

 

 

During my 6-7th years of high school my classes became small and I was mostly interacting with nerds all the time. I took only science subjects and maths, and I had my friends in these classes. My curiosity for maths and science really bloomed during these times, and people were shocked at how "intelligent" I was because my grades aren't usually good. I went to a private school filled with people who were very competitive and hardworking academically. I have a circle of 10 "friends" and some of them were envious of me and put me down for my interest in maths. Most of the teachers were unable to answer the questions I asked them, and whenever I tried discussing something I find really interesting in maths/physics with my friends I would get cut off, because they perceived my interest and enthusiasm for the abstract as a form of showing off. If I ever go full loose in showing my train of thought to people, they are sometimes spiteful and look at me as weird. And so I naturally became more and more lonely, as I felt rejected by everyone around me. On a side note, I hate the way information is taught in school, and that demotivated me from learning and growing as much as I could. 

My question

Even now, after moving to university to study physics I haven't met anyone whom I connect with. I've had better conversation with my university professors than I have with my "friends"/acquaintances. What's the best approach for me? Do I have to just face the loneliness head on and keep doing consciousness work? I feel so tempermentally different from everyone around that I just can't connect with anyone. Ive been deprived of human connection for so, so long that the loneliness just hits hard. Must I bite the bullet and go full zen to overcome my own demons? 

 

Edited November 13, 2018 by lmfao

[Mu_]

Thanks for your honesty Mujtaba, I can see your loneliness and understand your confusion and question.  Your lonely man, plain and simple, nothing needs to be zenned to overcome.  It is what it is man, and its ok. 

If I were in your shoes I'd put some energy into looking into avenues where you can potentially meet people with your interests.  Perhaps meetup.com has groups that meditate if thats what your into, or painting, or what ever it is that you like.  Also it may be healthy to challenge your shyness a little at a time.  Most everyone has a feeling of shyness and potential embarrassment that comes up around new people.  Remember that and dont let it be a barrier to breaking the ice and saying something. 

What kind of spiritual practices have you done and what truths/understandings of matured out of that?  Sharing that may help me help you translate that into your life in a simple down to earth way.

Also if your looking for a friend, you can consider me one, even if I'm just here on the forum, feel free to ask me anything.

good night man.

[lmfao]

@Mu_ The only spiritual practice I've done is meditation. I started January this year, but my meditation routine for the past 2 months has been bad but its recently picked up again. I've had enlightenment experiences. That's about it.

[Mu_]

Can you elaborate on your enlightenment experiences, like you were going to teach me something.  Really from your heart, not from a book or a translation of what you thought it meant, just what really touched you.  That way I can get a sense of what you deeply know or have touched upon.

[lmfao]

@Mu_ It was around the third time or so that I meditated that I had an experience of no free will and no self. I was in the present moment and I realised that any action I performed (moving my head, breathing, etc) or any thoughts I had were as much me as every other facet of my consciousness (the things I see, things I hear, bodily sensations of pressure, the actions of other people, etc). I've had this feeling quite a few times now from various meditation sessions.  What has really touched me from meditation is feeling that my thoughts are just as much as a part of the happening that is reality as every other part of the happening. If I'm in a higher consciousness state I'll feel the thoughts and words coming out of my mind to be vacuous and they will be no more truthful than random sounds/sights in my experience.

Another thing which has really felt profound is time and perception. The past literally does not exist. I have found myself starting to see through the illusion of time when I notice that my thought about a particular thing is not that particular thing and my thoughts start to slow down as I become mindful of them. I have felt things to only be in the "now", but I wonder, what is now? I made a thread wondering how it is that perception exists if time does not exist.

If I'm in a high consciousness state, I'll feel existence to be effortless. This is because for all points in my life as a conscious being, I exist in a situation which has no cause. That's because it's always now. I made a thread about this insight I felt a week ago.

Even if I experience high consciousness states, my state of consciousness throughout the day/week is like a rollercoaster. At my best I'm buddha, at my worst I'm like a crack cocaine addict. I have a technology (youtube, porn, Netflix, etc) and bad food addiction which tears me down (the food addiction isn't that bad though, technology is 100x harder to quit for me). My meditation routine for the past 2 months has been garbage because I've been stressed and fatigued all the time since starting university. I used to be able to meditate for 80 mins and now I can barely do 45 mins. 

[lmfao]

@Mu_ To add onto my question, I think that there are times I feel happy and content with being alone. But I feel like theres an underfed and somewhat repressed part of my psyche. Sometimes I'm happy being alone but at other times I'm just lonely. 

I didn't have much time to type in my previous message since I'm actually typing a lab report right now for a nearby deadline LOL.

Edited November 13, 2018 by lmfao

[Mu_]

Hi Mujtaba,

It sounds like you've had some radical realizations, ones I would classify in the Absolute level of life.  However what your dealing with is just as important but what some would call on the human level, which honestly gets a lot of flack or discarded in spiritual circles sometimes.  I think your only going to learn some of these human lessons just by growing up and living and experimenting.  Its different for everyone, but use your experience as your guide.  I think its safe to say your just lonely and making an effort to form friendships/relationships is your next spiritual lesson.  Its gonna challenge you and be a opportunity for you to learn about the world, humans and yourself, but also be a great opportunity. 

 

 

Edited November 14, 2018 by Mu_

[lmfao]

@Mu_ cheers bruh

[Roman25]

Eh, life is a bit on a gamble to be honest. You architect most of your life but some things have to come to luck. Your story of yourself sounds super similar to my brother. He has a mild form of autism, he is 18, and he has felt deep many times isolation. He doesn't have a care for math but he did have the 6th highest grades in the high-school when he graduated. This may sound odd but autism isn't "completely" bad. If that makes sense and that's not too broad of a brush stroke. Just letting you know that so that you don't think to down on yourself if you have that.

As for whether you should deal with loneliness for a while, I'd say that it will work at first but it will get depressing. I solved the problem of not finding many friends at school by joining track + going out of my comfort zone and talking to strangers. I strongly think you should do the same if possible in your area.

Good luck man

[lmfao]

@Roman Edouard life is a gamble, yeah. It's only at a higher consciousness perspective that this doesn't matter. 

Yeah I don't see the possible existence of autism to be inherently negatively. All I know is that I've struggled to fit in due to being on slightly different wavelength from people around me and one possible explanation seems to be autism. 

1 hour ago, Roman Edouard said:

 I solved the problem of not finding many friends at school by joining track + going out of my comfort zone and talking to strangers. I strongly think you should do the same if possible in your area.

Good luck man

Good advice

[K VIL]

hm attend a physics club ? I cant really go on this. 

we can talk about your feelings. or we can talk about your tactics.

you wrote about one of the two, sure.

im  just not sure its the one you truly need to work on.