Question on my self-inquiry

[kieranperez]

So I've been really stuck lately. I don't have a strict sort of posture or anything when I self-inquire or some sort of regimen. I notice (no pun intended) that I contemplate/self-inquiry (whatever term we want to use) best when I just slow down and "zoom out" and really take in what's happening within my awareness and I notice when I do that I naturally get into this zone of not-knowing (or close to it) and I naturally find myself noticing that all perceptions occur within awareness. It's hard to explain but I get stuck on getting past that. I just find "myself" at this point where I start to become all that arises within experience. So if I'm on a grass field looking out, the boundary between myself and all that I'm seeing starts to become a nonexistent distinction. I start to notice that everything arises and passes away within awareness and also this distinction or some sort of separation between ego mind and all these thoughts becomes a nonexistent distinction. Thoughts arise but in the same place as the sight of the tree, the sound of the wind, etc. 

Despite all this though, there seems to be some barrier of ignorance remaining or something because I don't know what all of this awareness really is (if you're just going to say "it's all you" please don't comment). Any suggestions? 

I notice though that my self-inquiry goes a lot better when I don't formalize it. Questioning and deep absorption and not knowing becomes much more doable and possible. 

[winterknight]

10 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Despite all this though, there seems to be some barrier of ignorance remaining or something because I don't know what all of this awareness really is (if you're just going to say "it's all you" please don't comment). Any suggestions? 

Who is bothered by this "barrier of ignorance"? Who is the "I" in the "I don't know what all of this awareness really is"? You need to look into that "I" relentlessly.

[Mu_]

13 hours ago, kieranperez said:

So I've been really stuck lately. I don't have a strict sort of posture or anything when I self-inquire or some sort of regimen. I notice (no pun intended) that I contemplate/self-inquiry (whatever term we want to use) best when I just slow down and "zoom out" and really take in what's happening within my awareness and I notice when I do that I naturally get into this zone of not-knowing (or close to it) and I naturally find myself noticing that all perceptions occur within awareness. It's hard to explain but I get stuck on getting past that. I just find "myself" at this point where I start to become all that arises within experience. So if I'm on a grass field looking out, the boundary between myself and all that I'm seeing starts to become a nonexistent distinction. I start to notice that everything arises and passes away within awareness and also this distinction or some sort of separation between ego mind and all these thoughts becomes a nonexistent distinction. Thoughts arise but in the same place as the sight of the tree, the sound of the wind, etc. 

Despite all this though, there seems to be some barrier of ignorance remaining or something because I don't know what all of this awareness really is (if you're just going to say "it's all you" please don't comment). Any suggestions? 

I notice though that my self-inquiry goes a lot better when I don't formalize it. Questioning and deep absorption and not knowing becomes much more doable and possible. 

Sounds like you may be suffering from the classic "I've read all about spirituality, what it is, what to look for and how to get there" and now I'm going about expecting the idea's that I've formed to happen to me.  And since they are not happening to me as I've read you now suffer as a result of your spiritual desires/expectations.  Just drop your expectation of what your hoping to find and what its supposed to look like.  Check out a video I made on the subject, it may help. LOL and forgive the costume, haha it was Halloween and everytime I link this thing I laugh and cringe.

 

[kieranperez]

2 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Sounds like you may be suffering from the classic "I've read all about spirituality, what it is, what to look for and how to get there" and now I'm going about expecting the idea's that I've formed to happen to me.  And since they are not happening to me as I've read you now suffer as a result of your spiritual desires/expectations.  Just drop your expectation of what your hoping to find and what its supposed to look like.  Check out a video I made on the subject, it may help. LOL and forgive the costume, haha it was Halloween and everytime I link this thing I laugh and cringe.

 

I haven't read a ton of books on spirituality and I don't claim I know anything/everything. I sit down, shut up and do the practice and follow it up on some reading and talking and learning from other teachers from different traditions and paths. 

[Mu_]

4 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I haven't read a ton of books on spirituality and I don't claim I know anything/everything. I sit down, shut up and do the practice and follow it up on some reading and talking and learning from other teachers from different traditions and paths. 

Thats great, your doing a lot right, but maybe this will help with what I was pointing to in my original comment.

Here, you said "Despite all this though, there seems to be some barrier of ignorance remaining or something because I don't know what all of this awareness really is".  Now perhaps english isn't your first language, my wifes isn't and she makes sentences that imply things she isn't intended sometimes.  But this sentence is basically saying to me.  "Despite all this though, I believe there is still some barrier of ignorance remaining, or something else I believe is not happening or in the way that comes from a belief or expectation I have that should be understood about something I call awareness."  "I'd also make a leap of faith and say that you believe that seeing and understanding awarness is supposed to lead to a deeper connection and understanding of yourself/life". Does this feel true or close?  I believe if you can see this you are that much closer to understanding what you yearn.

Honestly, you are on the right path, your meditation/self inquiry sounds spot on and doesn't need to be changed.  What your seeing and have a hard time describing is right in line with mine and many others experiences within spiritual growth/awakening. 
 

I'm trying to help you man, I've been there.  This belief of a barrier, is just that, its not true, just let it pass, and continue doing what your doing, let your ideas go of what is supposed to happen.

Edited November 12, 2018 by Mu_