I let go of my toxic best friend to improve my life

[Aquarius]

I told my best friend to go find another best friend because I can't take this shit anymore.

Whenever I start a conversation with him about self-development or any other topic than "how are you/what's up", he always gets angry and doesn't reply. I tried talking to him about how that is hurting me, but I just feel like I cannot open up to him anymore. I feel like I cannot talk about anything with him without making him annoyed. It's almost as if the work I'm doing or things I think about simply trigger his nerves. I tried talking to him about my insecurities and problems around dating and was asking what he thinks. I was really honest about what I felt was the problem in my thinking. But he just doesn't reply or says we will talk about it other time.

I know that maybe I shouldn't talk about things like these through the internet with him, but whenever I ask him to go outside for a walk he refuses, he always has something else to do so I just message him on social media. We have periods when we see each other more often, but nowadays I saw him once a week. And he's really not a busy guy, I know for sure. He spends hours on chat sites and dating sites, yet we can't have a honest conversation about our friendship or what is generally bothering both of us. I felt like our friendship has some problems and he never really wants to address them so I've been more and more frustrated and bugging him more often about it cause I couldn't take this pressure. He refuses to be radically honest with me so he just stays quiet. If we ever meet, he usually tells me to come over, but all he does is sleeps and I'm crying next to him when he sleeps. However when we go outside I like to talk about all sorts of topics, but he just smiles mockingly or makes fun of the way I expressed some ideas instead of seeing the big picture of what I am saying. He doesn't like my abstract thinking and philosophical talk, but can't stand my business ideas either. I basically cannot talk to him about my interests. He doesn't take me seriously because I am unexperienced and young.

I have absolutely no idea what's wrong in our friendship or why is he so quiet lately and avoiding answers at all costs, but my gut has a bad feeling. I have no idea what's wrong I just know something is wrong and that he is the wrong person to be friend with. He is plain rude. I feel really sad. I know he feels sad too, yet when I tell him to go see other people, he threatens me with "Are you really sure?" Which is simply disgusting imo.

Thoughts?

[Speedscarlet]

@Aquarius Your friend wasn’t the problem. You were.

[Rilles]

Youve grown apart, it happens, there are many other people out there with bigger hearts.❤️ Move on! 

[Aquarius]

@Speedscarlet What do you mean?

@Rilles What does it mean to grow apart? It never happened before.

[Rilles]

7 minutes ago, Aquarius said:

@Speedscarlet What do you mean?

@Rilles What does it mean to grow apart? It never happened before.

I had a few childhood friends that I knew from first grade to highschool, we hung out alot then I moved to a new town, we hung out a little bit but as it was so far travel it became less and less. Being that we didnt meet that much our interests changed and developed in different directions, after I while I just felt like it wasnt stimulating to hang out anymore so after a while I just stopped calling them. Havent talked to them since 2014, it hasnt bothered me except that I sometimes dream about them. Thats growing apart. 

Edited November 10, 2018 by Rilles

[Shin]

He was never your friend.

Not a loss trust me, you'll find people that you will be able to share and grow with,
People that will gave a damn and will treat you with respect.

I'm actually quite happy that you had the balls to do that, now you have the emotional space to find real and genuine friendships,
Or simply take all your focus on you for quite some times.

Edited November 10, 2018 by Shin

[Aquarius]

@Rilles I understand. The weird thing is that he lives 3 minutes away from my apartment. That's why I don't get how it happened. He simply got bored of me or I don't know?? When we discussed this problem he was always brushing it off like, oh it's just a strange period like this for him, or that everything is fine I'm just imagining things. But I know something wasn't right because he simply didn't let me open up anymore. Even if I cried he simply got annoyed, now how is that healthy? I cannot even show my emotions because he gets emotionally aggressive if I do that??

@Shin Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts!  It really was something hard to do. I know Christmas is coming soon as well so it's just simply painful. We always gave each other the best gifts and we share so many memories together. Sigh. I think it was about damn time to let go. For about a year now we didn't quite get along, especially with all the back-stabbings from him and all that. 

I simply cannot be friends with someone who doesn't invest at least some small amount of energy in maintaining the friendship. Even if he will be busy for, say, a month or two I would like to hear him communicate that everything is alright. I know I have friends who almost never talk to me because of their depression, but at least they don't laugh at me or don't say that I'm annoying. Or they even appreciate that I think of them when they are having a hard time, and that I always write even when they don't reply. Some people really take the effort to appreciate this and those are the people I need.

[bejapuskas]

@Aquarius Lot of my friends are also angry when I talk about these things, but... Why would you be angry about that? You need to mature to that point, just let them be themselves. I understand your pain, I tried to teach my friends about Spiral dynamics and all the spiritual stuff that Leo talks about and how profound it is, how meditation can change their life - their mind was blown away, but the next day, they told me that they wanna stay in orange, because its pleasant... If a person isnt genuinely interested, you cannot count on them that they are gonna listen to you unfortunately. Only very little people are like this, I dont know how old you are, but I need to be friends with 15 years older people in order to get some juice from the relationship. Its a hard pill to swallow, you need to think about how are you contributing your friends and how can you learn from them, its like a feedback loop. Understand that people dont enjoy if you tell them what to do, before people start to leave you because of that.  

[Aquarius]

@bejapuskas I'm 20, and he's way older than me. I'm not trying to teach anyone anything, I'm just having a casual conversation. I'm actually asking for help and his perspective most of the time. I'm a good listener, he has no reason to close up like that. He even said it's not my fault. It's a sad situation really... Since he doesn't open up about his anger I'm just left here scratching my head about wtf just happened. So I left the situation completely.

[ajasatya]

@bejapuskas dude, the fact that you're not even 18 yet blows my mind. your maturity level makes me very happy.

@Aquarius plan the kind of person that you want to be with and then put your plan into practice. change yourself in order to attract a different kind of friendship. when i was where you are, i imagined myself as being one of these.

[bejapuskas]

@Aquarius I dont think that you are trying to teach anyone... I just saw that you are in a similar situation as I am, so I wanted to tell you what I learned. Trying to save you some time  Hope it helps.

@ajasatya Thanks!  I still think that I am not mature in most areas... I need to get kicked real hard to realize something, I used to be a serious narcissist and I just couldnt understand what people are saying me indirectly. I only started to learn about that lately.

[Shin]

46 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@bejapuskas dude, the fact that you're not even 18 yet blows my mind. your maturity level makes me very happy.

@Aquarius plan the kind of person that you want to be with and then put your plan into practice. change yourself in order to attract a different kind of friendship. when i was where you are, i imagined myself as being one of these.

 

6 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

@Aquarius I dont think that you are trying to teach anyone... I just saw that you are in a similar situation as I am, so I wanted to tell you what I learned. Trying to save you some time  Hope it helps.

@ajasatya Thanks!  I still think that I am not mature in most areas... I need to get kicked real hard to realize something, I used to be a serious narcissist and I just couldnt understand what people are saying me indirectly. I only started to learn about that lately.

 

[bejapuskas]

@Shin Thanks Shin, I appreciate that! You are the chosen one as well!

[Elysian]

3 hours ago, Speedscarlet said:

@Aquarius Your friend wasn’t the problem. You were.

Elaborate?

What likely happened is like attracts like. Wounded people tend to attract wounded people. You're depressed, he's probably suppressing/covering his depression with anger/bitterness. Unless he was growing/trying to heal as quickly as you are, then the likelihood of the relationship lasting is low. What you need is to either focus on yourself or look to find someone who's empathetic and willing to be there for you. He wasn't a friend period.

[Mu_]

10 hours ago, Aquarius said:

I told my best friend to go find another best friend because I can't take this shit anymore.

Whenever I start a conversation with him about self-development or any other topic than "how are you/what's up", he always gets angry and doesn't reply. I tried talking to him about how that is hurting me, but I just feel like I cannot open up to him anymore. I feel like I cannot talk about anything with him without making him annoyed. It's almost as if the work I'm doing or things I think about simply trigger his nerves. I tried talking to him about my insecurities and problems around dating and was asking what he thinks. I was really honest about what I felt was the problem in my thinking. But he just doesn't reply or says we will talk about it other time.

I know that maybe I shouldn't talk about things like these through the internet with him, but whenever I ask him to go outside for a walk he refuses, he always has something else to do so I just message him on social media. We have periods when we see each other more often, but nowadays I saw him once a week. And he's really not a busy guy, I know for sure. He spends hours on chat sites and dating sites, yet we can't have a honest conversation about our friendship or what is generally bothering both of us. I felt like our friendship has some problems and he never really wants to address them so I've been more and more frustrated and bugging him more often about it cause I couldn't take this pressure. He refuses to be radically honest with me so he just stays quiet. If we ever meet, he usually tells me to come over, but all he does is sleeps and I'm crying next to him when he sleeps. However when we go outside I like to talk about all sorts of topics, but he just smiles mockingly or makes fun of the way I expressed some ideas instead of seeing the big picture of what I am saying. He doesn't like my abstract thinking and philosophical talk, but can't stand my business ideas either. I basically cannot talk to him about my interests. He doesn't take me seriously because I am unexperienced and young.

I have absolutely no idea what's wrong in our friendship or why is he so quiet lately and avoiding answers at all costs, but my gut has a bad feeling. I have no idea what's wrong I just know something is wrong and that he is the wrong person to be friend with. He is plain rude. I feel really sad. I know he feels sad too, yet when I tell him to go see other people, he threatens me with "Are you really sure?" Which is simply disgusting imo.

Thoughts?

are you guys dating or were?  I get the sense there might be some female/male dynamics here.  perhaps unspoken desires?  I might be jumping to conclusions, but just thought I'd put it out there.

[Aquarius]

@Elysian Your answers are always spot on. Many people tell me that I'm depressed all the time, but I don't feel like it's true? I don't even feel sad?? I mean I know I said that I am "sad", but it was in the sense that the situation frustrated me. I'm not really sure what depression even is, unless I see it on other people but I don't really feel it myself.

@Mu_ What unspoken desires are you referring to? And yes, we were dating on and off in the past.

[bejapuskas]

@Aquarius There are multiple options, he might want you back, or he might be repressing something else... He might also just not want your relationship to end so suddenly, so he is desperately trying to keep it alive.. idk

[Aquarius]

@bejapuskas Keep it alive by not talking to me and pushing me away?  

[bejapuskas]

@Aquarius The fact that he hasnt ended the relationship already or hasnt stopped contacting you is surprising from what I know... Were you telling him to go out or was it him? Maybe he just doesnt want to be rude or something, I cant really tell.

[Mu_]

4 hours ago, Aquarius said:

@Elysian Your answers are always spot on. Many people tell me that I'm depressed all the time, but I don't feel like it's true? I don't even feel sad?? I mean I know I said that I am "sad", but it was in the sense that the situation frustrated me. I'm not really sure what depression even is, unless I see it on other people but I don't really feel it myself.

@Mu_ What unspoken desires are you referring to? And yes, we were dating on and off in the past.

I dont know, you tell me You didn't mention in your post that he was a ex, which is fine, but somehow the dynamic you were sharing sounded very relationship/exish.  Female + guy friends/exs can get very confusing, complicated for reason unconscious to both parties or from desires that are not met that influence eachothers emotions in a very strong way.