i have no presence in social circles

[Viking]

whenever im in a social situation, with a group of people or friends, or just generally in a populated situation i usually dont have presence. my presence is not felt by other people. i dont have anything to say, somtimes i say something but it holds very little weight. my words are not engaging. most people i interact with somewhat frequently like me and respect me, but it wouldnt make much difference whether i was there or not.

when i talk to people i barely get stimulated, its usually very boring. of course it depends with whom i talk, but generally my conversations are boring. when in a group of friends i rarely feel an urge to talk, and if i talk, my words usually get dismissed or ignored.

maybe its the wrong people, and i need to search for places to find people on my frequency, but i have no idea how to.

why dont i have that presence?

 

p.s. thats one of the reasons i never had a girlfriend, i barely interact with people because i dont have what to say, and when i do, either i get bored or they get bored

Edited November 10, 2018 by Viking

[Shin]

The purpose of 95% of any discussion is to have fun.

Learn how to be funny, practice all the time with the people you meet/hang with.

You probably are an intovert, and small talk will never stimulate you much, but you can enjoy small talk if you are the one making the jokes on a constant basis.

[Elisabeth]

I listened to Alan Watts the other day. He said "interesting people are the ones who are interested" (the more things you're interested in, the richer your knowledge, personality and ability to relate to people). I find that accurate to some degree. So I think  this question is related to your other question of how to find motivation.

Edited November 10, 2018 by Elisabeth

[Viking]

@Shin @Elisabeth thank you for the answers, pretty insightful. ill try to figure out what other people are interested in and try to see why it would be interesting to me.

i have a very good ability to be funny, but im holding back when im not with my family or really close friends. ill try to be mindful of that.

[aurum]

@Viking

It’s because you’re not free and unhibited. You’re unconsciously holding in your energy in ways you probably don’t even realize right now. People will pick up on that.

The more you can accept every part of yourself, the more free you will become. The more of an energetic presecence you will have.

 

[Viking]

7 minutes ago, aurum said:

@Viking

It’s because you’re not free and unhibited. You’re unconsciously holding in your energy in ways you probably don’t even realize right now. People will pick up on that.

The more you can accept every part of yourself, the more free you will become. The more of an energetic presecence you will have.

but how can i accept something im unaware of? i worked quite a bit on accepting myself.

[Salvijus]

It could also be that you don't feel comfortable with some particular person in the group

Edited November 11, 2018 by Salvijus

[lmfao]

@Viking To add on to what @aurum , do you feel as though you are not being uninhibited because being uninhibited would result in you not fitting in and being socially rejected? 

[bejapuskas]

@Viking I understand your situation. I used to be just like you not a long ago. But it was probably because I didnt have enough energy because of my bad mental and emotional habits and also addiction - lack of energy. Now when I fixed most of these, I feel much more relaxed and making jokes and fun of myself just seems natural. Meditation also helps a lot.

That doesnt mean, that you should be very social, you can most definitely be focused on reading, meditating and stuff like that, but observe it, maybe you can find a problem there, maybe you have some kind of false belief or fear that needs to be fixed. But maybe you are just not interested in meaningless talk. Find a balance, experiment, I would recommend you to work on addictions and beliefs, start meditating if you arent, these things make a difference, especially nofap. 

I dont know you, so I cannot really give you any relevant advice, but extraversion and happiness are connected. Dont confuse extraversion with neediness and addiction on people though! Most enlightened masters are very social and extraverted, they are also very happy - does Sadhguru, Mooji or Eckhart Tolle seem like someone who is not social or rages a lot?  

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Viking said:

but how can i accept something im unaware of? i worked quite a bit on accepting myself.

There's no simple answer to that, the reality is that it's going to take time. The good news is that you will continually manifest situations that will reflect what you're repressing until you figure it out.

For instance most guys who continually act meek and passive, which is fake, end up being really bad with girls. You keep getting that negative feedback from women until you realize that something needs to change. Maybe there's parts of my masculinity or sexuality that I've been denying. Maybe my meek and passive behavior is just me internally holding on for dear life.

It's actually a perfect system when you think about it.

[Charlie_B]

@Viking 

I liked @Elisabeth 's response to your post. 

I can somewhat relate to your problem as I often find myself reticent in social gatherings and I don't really find it interesting to communicate with others. I find everyone pretending and being selfish and people just bother about themselves. I never got to the bottom of it as I didn't see that as a problem until recently. I'm reading Alan Watt's autobiography and it has a different dimension to his story that how deep someone can connect to the self and the surroundings alike. Everything that he describes in the book made me feel like I was having a tour of every nook and corner of his life. He couldn't have shown us what it's like unless he finds it interesting first to go through that experience. 

My meditation practice since an year and half, following actualized.org and reading about self/high conscious people has made me realise the fact that I'm one with the Universe and I'm the Universe at the same time. I somehow drawn to see the world with a fresh pair of eyes. Nothing is monotonous to me anymore.

Below are some of my findings which helped me break my introverted cocoon and I'm somewhat a social animal now

1. Be genuinely interested in the world around you. Everyone has a story to tell, it's your chance to see what they have seen, to feel what they felt.

2. Listen before you speak. If you listen properly you definitely find something to appreciate in others.

3. Try and learn from your conversations no matter how simple and small it is.

4. Read and improve your knowledge. It need not be something related to your life or fetch you something in return. Just read to soak into it.

5. Ditch all electronics at least a couple of hours before going to bed. (It made a great difference to my mental health. You will see the point if you actually do so).

6. Contemplate as often as you can. It will give you great insights and drive you towards betterment.

7. If you actually mould yourself to appreciate your won company then others will get automatically attracted to your energy and vibrance.

8. Try and keep a journal.  And read your journal at least twice a month.

I really want to make it look like a list of 10 commandments, but  can't think of any more at the moment

Hope this helps.

Good Luck.

P.S: Don't beat yourself up. Just chill and take life as it comes to you. 

There's a reason why people still read this book in 2018 and it tops every list of self-help books :

How to Win Friends and Influence People - by Dale Carnegie

[Darleneiii]

I’m new to actualized and I’m glad I have soooo much in common with the first post I found in the forums. I have the same exact problem, have a good circle of friends, but I never have anything to say, I try so hard but it always feels like I’m either forcing them to listen to something irrelevant or it just goes unnoticed. Guess it’s the “you have to be interested to be interesting” thing, I’m usually not interested in what girls my age talk about. Or maybe it’s because I come from an abusive and very suppresive background and that holds me back from getting anything out.

[universe]

On 10.11.2018 at 3:42 PM, Shin said:

The purpose of 95% of any discussion is to have fun.

This.

If you want to have more presence in your social group bring the fun. Furthermore people are naturally drawn towards people who are positive and confident. I can also recommend the yt channel "charisma on command" they break down people who are charismatic in groups, for example will smith, and point out things you can do as well. Watching these videos alone wont make a big difference but trying things out and getting a feel for them will. Make this a priority when going out with friends. Otherwise you dont really want to change (most dont!).