Bishop Skewered, Actualized Chess Moves?

[Epiphany_Inspired]

Difficult situation, past 6 months: What is the actualized route my higher self would take? *Adversarial; lawyers+ official orders or *Councelling (not recomended by most). Other Ideas? Situation info:

1. Totally "Bishop Skewered" (from Leo's toxic people video=temporarily reliant on another). We have a child= can never really escape. Next few months, need daughter's father to pay ALL bills for my property (beyond child support) .I've continued to let him live elsewhere on this property. *key notes: without this $, I'd loose our home = unstable for young child. He can't afford bills here +live somewhere else, I am currently unable to earn the $ myself*

2. After child's birth, overtime he became (with me, not child directly); emotionally abusive, controlling, not healthy so, I ended it (for me & child). Having him remain here=not fun; bitter comments, continued control attempts etc, but we are not in ":danger".

3. Legal Aid; to get funding for *Mediation or *Lawyer= tell them the worst+ get official orders. THIS WILL ESCALATE! Yes, he'd have no contact w/ me, but there are other things he can do(trust me, escalation with him=bad for us). He'd never forgive=no reasonable co-parenting agreements.

4.Instead of legal, trying councelling. Eventually make a "kitchen table" agreementl, sign w/ lawyers, find "root" of problems, deal w/ emotions (something Lawyers and Mediators don't do), & ease him into a good co-parenting plan etc. ...BUT... Am I doing this out of avoidance,or fear of escalation? So far, it's going so-so, he is making an effort ...but, if things don't go his way, he threatens; me unfit, cabin unfit, etc)... obviously myself and home are "fit" (just not mainstream). Do councelling disclosures put me at risk if things do go adversarial (ptsd, etc)? Are any possible risks of councelling worth the potential gains in this senario?

5.Most people recomend the aversarial "Lawyer" route. On some level it does seem more empowering. I took two pages of notes from Leo's stratigic mother-fucker video in case I need to do this. That said, adversarial also seems very destructive to our lives, compassion, and integrity (things would likely get "nasty"). My heart is telling me that "adversarial" is not a healthy way to resolve this. Is this actually just fear?

Would an Actualized person stand up for themselves through Lawyers, and demand the guardianship and rights they deserve (even if they have to use intel and fight nasty)? or..Would an Actualized person try councelling, (even if the EX is abusive)? Try something else, (remember i need to escalate to get $ for *Mediation too)?

　

　

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Sarah_Flagg @Kelley White Any recommendations?

 

[Sarah Marie]

@Epiphany_Inspired So I would say, in this situation instead on focusing on what and "actualized" person would do you need to ask yourself questions to find out what YOUR higher self would do.

First, let me ask you why you can not work currently.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Sarah_Flagg "What would my higher self do"? was actually in the first paragraph originally...i had to really edit the word count... like minds...

I am currently unable to earn enough money to cover everything, but being a mother and landlord =  work...I am hesitant to get into the subject  more because I am no longer a victim, i'm a survivor...  left former animation career because; physical and head injuries, run over twice by delivery truck...I have been in numerous physical and brain rehabilitative programs, still have existing issues with computer, fluorescent, physical...I have been really challenging myself w/ this forum (reading/typing =nausea etc)  I had been independent, never dependant on anyone else from age 19 until my late 30's, I take full responsibility for my current dependence. I became dependant on my EX for three reasons (allowing myself to succumb to); coercive control, authoritarian rules about how many cabins I can legally rent for habitation, and pregnancy/motherhood....

anyway, tell me more about what you are referring to by "work",  temporary (means to an ends), or life purpose? Means to an end; maybe I could put my child in daycare with a stranger and "work" a low-paying, non-life purpose job, spending most of that income on day care and fuel (live in boonies)...  I do have physical and mental limitations, I surpass them often, but they are a realistic hindrance to my employability for a typical "job".  i'd rather it was ME teaching/ bonding with my child at this age (2-3), and i'd rather be working on my life purpose from home... it will eventually earn $. Once it's summer, I will have some $ options, plus, the weather is warm enough = low utilities, firewood not needed, etc I will have until October to get my money situation handled.

 Have you heard of collaborative family law? That is what I am trying to mimic w/ counselling. it includes counselling, mediation, etc using a personal growth for everyone model.... the problem is... legal aid doesn't cover it.... and, i'm dealing with a pretty resistant fellow co-parent....thoughts?

[Henri]

To my opinion the first and most important issue here is the well being of your child.

Your child is the consequence of you and the father and this trinity should be your major concern.

All the following stuff about yourself is less important. You must take full and consciously responsibility.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Henri Thank Henri. I 100% agree with you! My Child's best interest governs all of my choices as the top principal!... I am making every effort to take full and conscious responsibility, yet I'm still confused re; which actions to take that best fit that ideal re: lawyers, mediation, etc?

Relationship: Main reason I ended it, Child's best interest. Non-negotiable action, this decision is best and final.

Current Living Situation: I've consulted early childhood educators, and psychologists etc, We are in agreement that although the current bitter comments are far from ideal, it is only for 2-3 more months, and  putting my child in the position of having to move, with all the stresses that come along with that would be worse. Someone suggested not living in her current home in front of her and she is still traumatized by even the thought of it. I decided that it's in her best interest not to move (at all, or for at least a year). Do you feel there is a better solution, if so what is it?

Work: Obviously I don't think being in daycare with a stranger is in her best interest. I own my land, I can pay my mortgage, we have food and shelter. At the initial point of separation, before I even watched any of Leo's video's, I began sending out tendrils toward my life purpose, with some amazing future opportunities! I was working in this direction until a few weeks go, I am taking an "overwhelmed hiatus" until I get this separation handled. My life purpose is in her best interest too, to have a parent working w/ passion, meaningful contribution and loving intent. Any suggestions?

Counselling/Mediation/Lawyers: This is where I am confused. Which action is in HER best interest?

I have been too overwhelmed to tap into my intuition, plus my logic and analytical skills are tainted by fear of choosing incorrectly (best for child). Obviously my HIGHER-self should know; adversarial vs. other, but right now, I honestly do not know. When I ask professionals they all say that their route is best. Lawyers and mainstream friends say I should go the adversarial route, mediators and alternative friends say I should go that route, and the psychologist and collaborative law specialist plus my real soul friends think counselling is "worth a try" for the sake of everyone's best interests (especially Child's) to attempt to heal things for better long term co-parenting. That said, I think it is becoming apparent to me that the other parent may not; understand the genuine concerns for child, truly want to evolve, really make an honest effort, etc. If that's the case, (in order to get legal aid), I need to escalate to get $ for mediation or lawyers. Can mediation work with an abusive person (multi-generational abuse/addictions, his whole family)? Is mediation the best choice, and worth the effort, etc? Alternatively, do I need to go adversarial to protect us from damaging comments etc (at least to some extent), or to try and shift the power balance to equal standards (can mediation do this too?). If adversarial is preferred, how does one maintain integrity, insure that their rights are respected etc, without things getting nasty? Thanks so much for your help!

 

 

[Henri]

@Epiphany_Inspired A few questions first. Remember I`m not native English speaking, some is hard to understand for me.

You are still married?

Father is close by? Seeing your daughter regularly? Having parental authority? His future plans? Abusive in what way?

 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

Thanks so much Henri, sorry I'm such an English-speaking-blabber... lol...

1. Separated (like divorcing, but for "common-law" = considered married because we have a child)

2.Yes, we are living on the same property for another 2-3 months (for me= bills $, for him= time to find a good home, lots of motorcycles etc to move)

3. I see daughter mainly, "attachment parent", he sees daughter some evenings and sometimes on weekends (his choice when)

4. His plans: to buy his own home with shop for motorcycles, has been approved for mortgage, but needs to find right place (wants to reconcile still)

5. Verbally/emotionally abusive, uses coercive control with me only, never abusive to child directly (family history, same abuse/ control w/ parents, wish I spotted sooner). All his family members have addictions too, EX had developed alcohol dependence after child was born. Has quit alcohol, but he is not truly working on his development, and verbally abusive/ control attempts persist.

I am in no way concerned about dividing assets etc,... My concern is my child. She is very young (2-3), and I am the "attachment parent" she is bonded with. She should be in my care, with " short frequent visits" for him. If things go adversarial, he has threatened to go for 50/50 sharing her (likely for control, and to give me less support $). That is not in her best interest. We also have opposite values when it comes to raising her, education, medical, etc, I am willing to compromise on many things, but some choices re; raising her would effect my core values. How to I keep her mainly in my care, and respect my parenting values best? Lawyers, Mediation, or something else?

 

[Henri]

@Epiphany_Inspired Well okay, anyway hard to say something without knowing the entire situation, but I give it a try...

The last thing you should do is everything what`s got to do with lawyers, courts and blabla...

What you also should not do is the mediation stuff....

To my opinion you should at first use all your skills to do it all on your own!

You know the father and you know the way to speak to him, the way to connect with him. It sounds to me you are a lot more developed than he is and that`s exactly what you have to use. He`s angry, he lost his wife and it looks like he`s going to lose his pride, his daughter and his money. And all because of you. So foremost try to get in touch with him considering that`s what`s going on in his mind. His anger can only stay if there`s fear to feed it... So take away his fear first. And you do this by being honest to him in the way he understands. He needs to know that he`ll ever have access to his daughter first, be it shared custody in some way (it`s for later discussion). Make him understand there are three lives on steak here.... You are both adults, lets do it right. Be as careful as possible with all the money things, that`s finally up to the judge and your national law. Make him understand that you want to become an independent woman in the near future. Save his pride and his face.

Tell him you both have to make good decisions for your daughters sake. Otherwise with the money you have to pay for all the jerks who want to get involved, you can easily spent a fortune which will better be used for your daughter (growing up, studying). That`s much more wiser. Try not to get involved in child-protection issues. Get informed about them and tell this the father. No one of you get out of that uninjured. Especially the father! Because in the end you as a woman will win this anyway on his costs. But try to avoid this at all means. 

In a way you are in control, you are the `wise` one. Use that, take that responsibility with courage and with strenght.

But take the route way out of any official things first!

Let me know.. 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Henri Thank you so much!

You've made so many amazing points. I think the key thing you said is; to take away HIS fear. When I have my own fear (usually a triggered response to other people's anger) I often loose sight that other's anger also comes from fear. I will have to brainstorm how to gently do that, how to get across those ideas; "three lives at stake", etc.... Thank you!

I don't want to take too much of your precious time , just a couple quick questions;

By "on my own" do you mean completely, or with the psychologists help?  (I may only get one more session, he is not acting co-operative/ rational)  

What sort of time-frame, or development milestones, would let me know that we are at the point where mediation could take place (unfortunately, at some point we'd need to have an agreement, at least with basic parenting schedule/ medical decisions, etc)?

Yes, I do NOT want to get into child protection from my end, against him (despite the abuse directed at me, and resentful comments that are indirectly damaging to child). Men (or the "non-attachment parent") can take control back in these situations by making the mother out to be "unfit", (this is the only way they can get 50/50 or sole custody). I would not go there mentally (fear), but he has already suggested this (me/ my cabin = "unfit/ unsuitable"). I have anxiety if I feel spied on, (i was stalked and filmed for 4 years, plus childhood physical abuse trauma). It's pretty easy for someone to make me look "crazy" by spying, or being really aggressive (he has been reading my mail, listening to my phone calls, abusive). My home is not unfit, has power, water, etc but it is very unusual (round), and quite rustic (unfinished floors, composting toilet). I am not unfit, responsible, competent, nurturing, loving etc, but I do have anxiety (I take responsibility for this situation, and I am the calm rational one, but my anxiety is still triggered). I have been putting every effort in, to think positively and ignore this, but I can't seem to shake an intense "need" to protect my child. My "mother bear" instincts far surpass my instincts for my own survival (fight or flight). This desperation to have everyone know that myself and home are "fit" etc, is likely making things worse. What do you recommend for this (in addition to meditation and positive thinking etc)?

Yes, leave money out of it, at least for now, 100%! Thanks so much!!!

 

[Henri]

@Epiphany_Inspired Okay... By `own your own` I mean without all the so called professionals like lawyers, mediation, child-protection workers, psychologists, neighbours and who ever... They all make money at the side of the conflict.

There is no conflict! There was a little turbulence in the past, that`s all. And you both are aware that it`s better to separate but keeping in mind that the interest of the child is your foremost responsibility. Both acknowledge that. That`s the story to work on. That`s the work you have to do if even a little bit possible. You have to get the father as far as possible in that direction.

Try to get together an agreement before going to court or the mediator (is mediator obligated?).

What you need to understand: You are the mother of your daughter. No one in the world can come in between. You are protected by the law as a mother. In this case; anything you say can and will be used against you in the court, meaning when there is no information there is no case. You have to understand that people like the child-protection workers will never look for good information. They are only after bad information. That`s why you don`t need them. They can never do something for you but only against you. That`s their job.

The day the first one of those jerks take a step into your house, you have to deal with them for years to come! So watch out.

All the information given in your last paragraph is of no use, is of no value. The judge doesn`t give a damn about it, so does the law.

Further on, don`t talk in any way negative about the father to `official` workers. It does not having anything to do with YOU being a good mother!

This is very important to understand. When things would go really bad and the father is attacking you in court, you`ll still be relaxed and would understand the fathers reaction because he is so fearful and angry. Be aware you are protected by the law, every bad thing the father could say is not working. The judge will surely know who`s the `best` parent. It`s family-law and no criminal-law! It`s not even about `proof`.

So with these `tactics` you can move on in whatever direction you`ll have to go. This gives you more room and space. But first do whatever is possible to take the father with you in the best direction. That`s ultimate the best for everybody.

Take care and let me know how it`s developing. Feel free to ask questions if needed. 

 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Henri Thanks so much! I love "there is no conflict", as long as that remains true on my end that will work (conflict takes two). I will focus on all that you suggested, it sounds ideal!

To answer your question: Mediation is "pretty much" mandatory. Consider; one parent wants to take an out of country vacation with the child (and the border patrol has no way to confirm if it's ok), or, an important medical decision comes up (the hospital needs to know which parent or if both parents can make choices), registering for school, stuff like that. I don't think there is a secret police trying to track anybody down, but as soon as something comes up, and there is no agreement, getting one would then be enforced. There are occasionally situations where extremely reasonable, highly co-operative parents have an informal agreement that they don't feel they need to sign with a lawyer, this is apparently rare and not "binding" in any way.

So far, I have not talked to any professionals (other than the psychologist) about the father in a negative way. I will take great care not to speak like that, I see your point, I see why I need to be cautious. I am starting to see that my last paragraph is irrelevant too (fear just tries to make it appear relevant). I will accept that power, that no-one can come between me and my child. I will live more confidently because of that knowledge, thanks so much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Henri Re: doing everything on my own...mental strength.

Imagine if I was a morbidly obese person, no one would expect me to run a marathon when I've just started exercising (I could have a heart attack, etc). I feel like the mental equivalent. Before this, I was a brave, powerful, woman, (i'd even stopped an attempted murder - at risk to my own safety, plus so many more triumphs in the face of adversity or danger). That said, being under coercive control in a relationship is like being in a cult. The controlling party uses constant, repeated;, insults, threats, intimidation, isolation, manipulation, etc, (either intentionally or unintentionally/ conditioned) to damage self-esteem and create submission. I got out of the relationship, I got him out of the house, but I am still escaping the aftermath and nowhere near recovered. Is it ok to have a support person with me, or would that defeat the purpose? I have one more session with the psychologist and the father tomorrow (it was already booked), should I use that forum, or wait for another time? I know, I'm an adult, I am able to handle this....I just still feel really intimidated....

[Epiphany_Inspired]

Sorry if that sounded to victim-ish. I take responsibility for being in a relationship with coercive control. I just wanted to explain what's happened to my mental strength as a result!

[Henri]

@Epiphany_Inspired No problem, it gives you a good opportunity to lay down the foundation of the following tactics. In front of the father were the psychologist will be there also, gives you a safe space to tell your opinion about the whole situation. And if you think you need someone to support you, just do! (as long it is not someone the father really dislikes).

In a way you can take control about the last meeting tomorrow. This because you`ll come with a statement probably no one is expecting, so the father and the psychologist have to `reset` themselves in a particular way. This means you have to be honest, relaxed and open, otherwise they`ll get into some kind of defense-mechanism. 

Better to start with a statement first. Just tell you thought a lot about the situation and you have the opinion that there are indeed three lives at stake.

Your opinion is that you all have to deal with this in the best way possible, meaning as a responsible father and mother with the knowledge one day both your daughter will find out all about it. The first priority is the interest of your daughter meaning she is having two parents. And the love of the child towards the parents is always unconditional. With this you take the heath out of the conversation, you`ll give the father time and space to release his tensions. May be it`s even a good idea to tell your psychologist in advance so he`ll understand it and can give you support by handling and directing the conversation.

This should be your first goal, lay down your intentions.

And yes, it`s hard. Remember there is no control about all the aspects and happening in life. But know that there`s always control about HOW to deal with all the aspects and happenings in life. There`s the freedom. And by being honest, trust-worth and open, support will come in unthinkable ways. And know in the back of your head that no one is able to take away your little daughter, that`s just not going to happen. Your big freedom, your big responsibility lies in the way YOU act, think and handle all of this. You are your daughters big model. Yesterday, the past, is like a dream. Tomorrow is your responsibility. 

Kind regards

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Henri That is all so beautiful, amazing, and true... thanks so much! I appreciate your help more than I could ever express with words! So grateful!

[Kelley White]

@Epiphany_Inspired, Hi!  You asked for my thoughts, I will share them.   No disrespect intended to @Henri, but I disagree with numerous aspects of his reasoning as a former domestic violence victim, a mother, a step parent, (who has navigated CPS and legal systems for numerous children for numerous matters) and a former law enforcement officer.  

Covert control, verbal abuse, all are still  abuse and can and often do cause serious protracted emotional harm to the victim and to the children who may also be victims and are witnessing the covert control and verbal abuse.

One of the first premises taught in dialectical behavioral therapy is that you cannot have effective interpersonal communication with someone who is incapable of effective interpersonal communication.

What you have described as the behaviors manifested are huge red flags for someone who has issues that are not going to be resolved with rational logic and the same kindness than in a divorce where abuse; specifically covert abuse is not a factor.   I highly encourage you to look at site related to covert control, covert narcissism, and become familiar with a different modality of thought very alien to yours or mine.   I can't diagnose, you cannot diagnose, but a court sure can order a guardian to do a mental health assessment of both parents and both homes and come up with a great parenting plan which includes supervised visits, parenting classes, therapy, all sorts of creative resources so a child does not become the pawn of covert control once your ex no longer has direct access to you. 

There are even online programs that are very reasonably priced designed to assist you with interacting with your ex related to your child to ensure a clear trail of documentation for interactions and that interactions remain cordial and on point.

 I don't know how your last appointment went, and I would want  more information to even begin to assist you with self inquiry. 

I agree with @Sarah_Flagg, its about finding the highest and best solution for you and for your child that will lead to the  most stable and optimal mentally healthy environment for your child.    There are pros and cons to different approaches; the first priority is being safe.  Being safe is as much being safe from mental duress and emotional harm as it is physically safe; someone can impact your physical health with gas-lighting and or covert control.

One of the best pieces of advise I consistently got in therapy was, take care of you first.  Make you happy, if you are happy you will be happier mom and your kids will be happy.  Ignore you...put everyone else first?  You will burn out really quickly especially being chief cook and bottle washer.  I've been there and done that and its exhausting.   You are a human being with needs and if you deny those needs it will exacerbate your own mental health challenges.

When I have been in situations such as yours, and I have been in more than one, I have had to take different courses of action based upon the totality of the circumstances and logical consequence responses to inappropriate conduct with firm boundaries;  unfortunately this led to a no contact order as the other party chose to fail to respect boundaries and escalated with inappropriate illegal conduct.

For me personally I try to take it by successive approximations sometimes I under-reacted, sometimes I over reacted, and I know the outcomes of either response can be damaging to the child(ren) involved as well as myself.   There is no formula, no easy answers.

I just finished a legal matter for someone where the child was essentially the pawn in a never ending war of the roses; the party I represented ironically once given the carrot of visitation upon completing reunification therapy lost interest in the child and blamed the child for the loss of interest.   It was mystifying in once sense until I understood it was for him, never about the child but covertly controlling the mother and he was merely using me to do so by igniting my sense of injustice.   In other words, he used a new situation to covertly control three people as he sat back and enjoyed the drama.

Perhaps I am projecting my own negative experiences and fearing that you may be minimizing or that you are in a worse situation that you are?  I don't know.  Its why I'm asking.  That said?  My experience there is no happy ending where two divorced parents co parenting when one of them is into covert control and abusive.    Per programs that work with abusers?  Alcohol is not the issue, even if they work AA, they will still  be abusive.   They have to understand that they abuse due to whatever root cause and be willing to really work on that issue and the data on this is not optimistic for successful lasting change.

I am proud of you for having the courage to get out.  I am proud of you for being strong and protecting your child the best you can with the mental ability you have to work with.  I understand what it is like to be there.  I empathize greatly with your desire to not be a victim, as you know you are being victimized, the frustration of the mental consistency and not being able to maintain it; I can so empathize with all of it.

I recommend trauma therapy for you and for your child with someone certified in PTSD,   Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is awesome, so is Gestalt. 

Its one thing to take responsibility for what we allowed, but if someone passed us the Kool aide and said "hey, its great, drink, and fooled us?"  Its pretty reasonable per the therapists I've been seeing to be angry, to acknowledge one was victimized, and take steps to ensure you won't be a victim again to that individual.

I think @Henri 's   advice is amazing advice when people can be rational and reasonable because both of them want to be.   It takes two for that tango.

I wish you the best of luck what ever you decide to do, and hope that it works out positively for you and your child.

 

 

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Kelley White  Thank you so much for taking the time to share, I am so grateful! Still working through this, it's a challenging process, at the same time, I will only come out stronger, and wiser in the long run. I am not deluded, I know the relationship was not healthy...and that elements of the continuation to fully transition, have been equally rotten. That said, I still believe there is every possibility that everyone will come out having learned what they needed to from this situation, and ready to embrace an improved experience.

In my opinion, as different as your perspectives are, you and @Henri are both right. To assume someone would always be unreasonable based on the statistics from similar individuals would not be living in my integrity. At the same time, assuming someone will be capable of reason, when they show over and over that they are not, could end in my madness. I am beginning to find a balance between these two. I am doing this with gratitude meditation, and developing an unwavering focus on my goal; * A healthy happy life for my child and I* I am obviously striving for a positive co-parenting relationship as well. I am visualizing that direct path, and starting to see the fears, stories, dramas, and obstacles as "fog"...I am just staying focused on making my clear path through to that goal. When I need support or assistance from others, I ask.... Don't worry Kelly, because my goal = healthy life for child, and even regardless of that, I would never allow her to be used as a pawn...Yes, trauma therapy is a great (apparently child is too young), I had some sessions already...I have not heard of those specific styles, but I will look into practitioners, thanks!

I can only be victimized if I give someone that power. It can be very challenging to keep fear responses from being automatic/uncontrollable especially when someone has developed a mastery of finding and pushing triggers. I am working on strength to rise beyond those fears... and I've been having success on many levels... one of the main challenges still lingering , is my fear that my child could be exposed to comments that I may perceive as "damaging"... This desire to shelter her from that often comes at the expense of my own integrity, and liberation. Advice? Which is a better example for child; standing up for my values/ self,... or... strategically avoiding so that nasty responses to that "standing up" are avoided? So far, I've kept my chid away from verbal/emotional abuse toward me, by physically keeping her away, or by not responding to lead-ups. Would showing true power/strength in communication be the "better" lesson for her, or have I been right to avoid/be silent, go away, be-friend, etc. to prevent? I am unbelievably appreciative of all of the love and effort you both have shown me, thanks so much!

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@Piotr Thanks so much! I hear what you are saying, I am still processing the message....

Good idea, I will make additional efforts to gently uncover more of my daughter's feelings and ensure there is no inadvertent manipulation from me. I am very aware of her level of consciousness (she is REALLY advanced in language, she can hold a conversation with any adult responding in full grammatical paragraphs, everyone is blown away). Anyway, I am so aware of her awareness, that it is me, telling my ex/ professionals/ friends, that she *does* know, despite all of my efforts to keep her away. I never underestimate any child's intelligence or their ability to accomplish anything in life. Admittedly, that doesn't stop me from trying to keep her protected from comments directed at me.... Also, she is only just turning 3, so when it comes to talking with her, there is a certain level of innocence to maintain... she doesn't need to absorb any "adult concerns" ...unless necessary, (we have to move or something)... of course I'd make those experiences as positive as possible....

There is quite the waitlist for free mediation, but perhaps it can keep things from escalating to adversarial... yes, he's out of the house, and the boundaries are soooo important! Thanks so much for sharing your story too!