Massive ego backlash

[bejapuskas]

Hey everyone,

I had one of the greatest and most painful ego backlashes today! You might remember, that I was looking for some advice about SD tier 2 dating advice and considered myself yellow/green. This is gone now. I tried to contemplate it, but it had no results, except when I directly bumped into it. I like to talk about SD with friends who seem at least a little interested, I even started to build a community around it, even though I am starting to realize, that I need to grow myself more in order to do that effectively, even though its a great life purpose, that I might return to later. I might even find a better one on the way.

Some of the people were telling me, that I am blue/orange person and that its actually quite normal and even good for a person in my age to be moving into orange, but after the examples that Leo showed me, I couldnt agree that I am in the same colour as Mr Krabs and moralizing priests, but I was still trying to think about it, never actually throwing this possibility away. I realized that I am probably brainwashed by all the compliments people are giving me.

And then things started to happen, it was like the whole universe wanted to get me out of that ego trap. I started overusing Leos technique for getting rid of addictions, that it turned into an excuse for overeating, skipping meditation, skipping breathing exercises etc...

I also started to listen to what people are saying less, because I always assumed that I have something to teach them, it was like prejudicing that they want to learn with me, even if they actually dont. Even though I remained quite open to the things that some of my addicted friends are telling me, I was essentially looking down on them. That was when I was speaking to my friend, who is really into partying, drinking, dating multiple boys at once etc... We were having quite a serious talk and she seemed very empathetic at that time, as she was trying to get something from me, and she also wanted to know, why do I seem so nerdy nowadays, so I told her about SD. She basically believes that it works, but she immidiately questioned me, when am I getting out of this narcissistic blue. I was like no way, this shit is completely non-sensical.

After that, I kind of regretted that I told her about it, but it wasnt a big concern of mine, I was continuing with my „getting rid of addictions“ and „teaching“. I just felt like direct experience is the key to getting over something, but I couldnt say stop, when it was probably right to do so. I was also not considering the fact that my friends might have to live through some situation in their life in order to be willing to listen to me voluntarily. I just couldnt stand the idea that they are gonna stay in lower colours for the rest of their lives. Some people stopped hanging out with me, some got really interested actually, but more of them thought that I am a crazy narcissistic deep blue person. (because I dont seek pleasure probably) Some of them tried to indirectly tell me, that I should stop, but I dont udnerstand many things, especially indirect communication of the opposite sex, so I kept joking around it and being sarcastic, even though it wasnt funny for them at all.

That was the first moment, when I realized that I might actually be egocentric and bossy. After that, when I got quite sick from the overeating problem, my dad, who doesnt eat particularly healthily, but he seems to be healthier than me for some reason, even though he drinks and smokes, asked me, whether I am planning to stop this circus anywhere soon. I answered that he doesnt see the big picture and I just wanna have some break from eating, because i feel like it. Then we were talking about diet and lifestyle basically, he is quite biased and blindly believes science, demonizes Leo and stuff, but he was right about the fact that he has always been supportive and I am just running around, trying out new things, so he has to adapt and that I should be more social and do some sport or exercise more. (I am 15, living dependently on my parents) That convinced me, that I am just as full of shit as he is.

This was happening with multiple people every day and then I was talking about my being-consciousness experience, which sounds like a narcistic perspective for the people, who dont understand it - basically you love everything around you, including „yourself“. It was the same girl, who told me, that I was a narcissist, at that point, I was quite needy for help and she was willing to slap my ego hard. She told me, that the colours are fucking annoying and that I should wait for orange to come.

When I thought about that, I discovered that I probably understand some yellow models, but I take them as the truth and that I am basically worshiping Leo and other teachers that I watch. I see beyond materialism, but I cannot afford to, I am still stuck in the lower stages of Maslows hierarchy and havent fully transcended most spiral stages, including beige level thinking, by which I mean diet and exercise. This means, that I probably am thinking in a blue/orange way and that I was basically inside of a paradigm the whole time, even though I had some very great results from the practises Leo gave me and my mood has increased immensely.

This all might be a bit exagerated, and I am conscious that my friend is also biased by some orange beliefs, but... yeah, I have a lot to learn even from these people. I am probably not as narcissistic as some other people, but I used to be one and it probably still reflects in my behavior. This has hit me really hard and I am basically screwed, as I learnt, that I am not qualified to help others yet, even though I felt like building a community and my green values are irrelevant and unrealizable, until I grow myself more.

So... my question is: How the hell do models work? Did I get it at least a bit more right, than the previous time? Are there any holes in what I am saying? Which things might be useful for me to learn about, in order to get rid of this problem?

I will probably start taking things one by one, starting with diet, exercise, finally everyday meditation practise and relationships with my friends and family. (My parents are very supportive and understanding, but I still need to learn more about them. The relationships with friends arent as bad as I made it seem, I am still one of the more popular people, but I am just having a dark period now) I also need to find balance in life, especially between talking and listening in conversations and family and growth. 

Any other comments/suggestions?