Feeling It’s Too Late...

[Enizeo]

13 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I know “I’m only 23” but right now it feels like all the shit in my life is just hitting the fan and I just feel so absolutely demoralized about my future and like I’m not prepared enough internally/psychologically to turn things around. Still living at home with no real friends at this point at a dead end part time job with no support system at all but more importantly, no solid internal development, I just found out yesterday from my car insurance company raised my rates again for an accident that involved me getting t-boned from a guy blowing a stop sign and because the guy didn’t pick up the phone after I filed the claim on him to accept liability they actually dropped the claim, stopped pursuing him, and aren’t going to coverage about $5000 minimum if I’m lucky worth of damages. It just feels like my life is just in this melting pot and culmination mode of endless misery and hopelessness that’s destined for me and all the mistakes I’ve ever made are coming to haunt me and will to me being just another average person that accomplishes nothing. Where there’s no background of sense of self-acceptance, self-esteem, how I was never good enough to my parents and how they coddled me with giving me all the wrong forms of help when I was younger and how stupid I was bullshitting around. 

I struggle to be concrete on my life purpose through the course after taking it 3+ times because it’s so emotionally hard when you have so much fear about how you can’t subsist which leads to being motivated from this place of aggression and anger which is really more of a reaction from this deep sense of hurt. I just don’t know how I can get myself out of this. I grew up in a emotionally and psychologically unstable family where screaming and yelling and suicide threats by my mom and yelling about money was the norm at my house, I struggled in high school from ADHD and from struggling socially and emotionally from the toxic parenting I got at home so I didn’t get to even get to taste some sort of freedom in what would’ve been “the college experience”. I have a terrible relationship with the family I live with now (my Dad) because I’m treated like I just my mentally unstable mom and how I’m some loser that needs to work 80 hours a week. I have no friends to move out with or anything. I feel resistance to just apply for a job here in San Francisco, because 1. I can’t afford to live here, 2. I hate living here in this claustrophobic neurotic human zoo, 3. Working these jobs, I’m sometimes in the bathroom just in tears because I’m faced with ‘this all I can fucking do and I don’t know what I actually can do.’ Every time I get another job like this  (some low end job) I just get used to it and numb to it until I stop being numb to it and then I sabotage it by coming in late in stuff because deep down I’m reacting to how much I resent and despise hate with a very visceral hate how much I’m wasting my life in yet I keep getting caught in this catch 22. 

It feels like yes, life is a maze, this thing is fucking rigged against me to lose and go for fucking cheese, I don’t want cheese, I know the goal, but I’m not good enough in the achieve that goal and I can’t just ask 99.9999999% of people for help on this issue because they want cheese and I don’t want cheese. In yet, I’m not good enough nor prepared to get out of here.

"I am at the peak of my youth right now and I'm having lot's of opportunities to develop right now. I'm super excited about my future, cause I have now idea yet how it will turn out, but it sure is going to be fucking epic! I still get to live at home, which is nice because my relationship to my parents is not to healthy right now, and this way I have the chance to get closer to them. I don't have a lot of friends that distract me from doing my inner work, which is great! I'm working on developing a few, very close friendships though, because I want to build a really strong support system. This is why I'm implementing habits and systems right now to be more social. I'm so excited about getting this handled! 
Yesterday my car insurance told me that I will lose quite a lot of money. At first I thought it sucked, but then I had the chance to watch all my insecurities and unhandled negative mindsets. I looked at them, disidentified, it's not "my" money, not "my" thoughts after all.
Life at the moment just is full of interesting challenges like that. It's sometimes difficult, but I'm getting stronger and stronger because of it. This also makes me sure that I'm not just gonna be an average person that accomplishes nothing. GROWTH BABY! \m/ 

I feel a lot of fear around my life purpose. That shows how important of a topic it is for me. The next step is working on those fears, doing Leo's fear excercises in the course and also contemplating, researching and finding my own solutions. It's just part of the Life Purpose process and I trust that the universe, perfect as it is, gives me exactly what I need to walk my path.
I realized that I still carry around a lot of victim mentality, so I'm constantly working on raising my consciousness through meditation and contemplation, shining awareness on all these victim beliefs.
What is also super nice is that I get to live in San Fran, a huge city with a tooon of opportunities and fascinating people. Really helps with my project on socializing and building a solid circle of friends. But I also know that I can always move if I feel the need. FREEDOM BABY! \m/

I'm such an awesome little ego on the path to self actualization and eventually getting rid of myself. Life is a maze and it is fucking aMAZEing how tricky it actually is. These are exciting times. I'm still in the beginning of my journey and a lot of outside as well as inside things are there that I will keep working on. But I have awakened. I can never fall back asleep completely. I love this whole mess <3"

 

This is what I see when I look at your post. You're awesome, keep going!

[Aquarius]

Ah maaan. I felt your pain while reading the post, I mean I really felt it in my chest and it hurt af. I'm going through the exact same thing and all I can say is that you have to pick something that matters to you in life, something that excites you the most even if you never done it before and master it. It can be literally anything, like playing the guitar, drawing, or even becoming the best with girls (or preferred gender). I always think of my dad and how he struggles every day and eats literal crap because he is so poor and that everyone judges him for his passion, but cars are his life purpose and he accomplished so much, he is widely known and respected in my country by other car enthusiasts and always says how this passion kept him alive and thriving, and what I'm trying to say is that there needs to be something that you enjoy and then all the suffering is worth it. Don't judge yourself so much just pick something that gives you pleasure and master it. Soon you might be well known and respected for your work and maybe escape wage slavery through writing about your knowledge or by providing great products.

[kieranperez]

On 11/8/2018 at 5:10 PM, Leo Gura said:

But get to work.

This is the part I don’t get. On what? And I know there can’t really be a set answer to that which is what’s driving me up the wall. The only thing I really wanted to master - running - I don’t really care that much about anymore. I don’t care about racing, competing, coaching other runners just to become more successful athletes (which is all the athletes I would coach would want anyways). My passion I care about and love to learn about now is nonduality and all the things that go along with it (psychology, psychedelics, reality, happiness, wisdom, philosophy, etc.) but I don’t want to be just another one of those guys that copies Leo or do the whole YouTube self help game. I don’t really know what I specifically want to master and I don’t feel like I can because I don’t have the money. It’s like that video:

Where the changes you intuit you need to make require such a RADICAL realignment and you have no idea how and even what it will be. 

Its hard to have hope in anything when you don’t know what you want to have hope in. My life has no direction and I don’t know what direction I want it to really have because I don’t know who I am in terms of my passions, motivations, etc. anymore. I wake up everyday now and it’s almost the worst part of my day because I wake up knowing there’s nothing for anymore. I’m always touched whenever I read say The Hero’s Journey by Campbell and listen to:

because it’s like “YES! THATS EXACTLY WHAT MY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE & WHAT I WANT IT TO BE! RIGHT THERE!” In yet, when the video ends, I look in the mirror and I’m reminded of just how depressed I am and feel like I can’t because it feels like I don’t have the psychological resources and even psychological cognition. I can barely read a book without my concentration going all over the place and getting distracted by everything. Realizing how poor I am with money, how I have no skills to earn enough to just to go on my adventure and then come back. 

I’m trying so hard emotionally to try and have some sort of positive outlook and hope and try to put that into coming up with some sort of vision but I can’t. I try so hard to let go of negative thoughts in the life purpose course but when it comes to the exercise there’s just like this screaming voice of “I DONT KNOW!” In yet, when I try to calm down the only thing I feel is the voice or feeling pressing in my head about how I need to do something. 

[Hellspeed]

I was around your age when I quit my dreams. Took me around 5 years to have a glimpse of what is what and another 2-3 years to settle. 

Now, here you have plenty of nice info to start with, which I didn't. Be grateful that you are alive and still breathing, in the end, is all you need to start.

[kieranperez]

On 11/9/2018 at 3:07 AM, NoSelfSelf said:

So relateble but isnt sport your no1 passion?

No. Not really anymore.

1 minute ago, Kataro7 said:

Man up... what does that even mean. Why don't we say that to girls? 

To express your suffering or weakness is not a bad thing (it's rather a growth sign), and some people actually naturally struggle more with financial life than others for natural reasons. Artists for example..

Sure you can say man up but I'd say woman up 
B) 

 

I don’t know what this has to do with anything. 

[St Clair]

I’d say from personal experience, that the best work you can do in this time is to face your tribulations and struggles with a renewed perspective. Instead of being tormented by them, see them as a chance to improve your character, your heart , your strength. 

This is why we face hardships and trials in our life; it is so we can improve ourselves toward ever higher levels. ‘Pressure makes diamonds’. In fact, you are in a much better position to make really solid progress in cultivating your being, than somebody who isn’t facing any problems at all. If life was all fairies and roses, how would we ever get a chance to improve our character, our conduct, our approach to life? 

With such a perspective, I would say that your situation could flip 180 degrees, and become a radical opportunity for self improvement, which is the aim of the game, right? Since you aren’t chasing cheese, I’d say this is preceisly what to aim for.

All the best bro! Also, you could always come down to New Zealand and do fruit picking in Cromwell for some mountain inspiration, a breath of fresh air, I’d be pleased to meet you! Peace.

[electroBeam]

@kieranperez

what you're going through feels like its going to go on forever, that you will be hopeless and lost forever, that is for the next 60 years or so.

But try and recognize that this is not a state that you will be in forever, but just a mental phase you are going through.

These down periods are apart of life, they really are, not just on an individual level but a societal and planetary level aswell.

The entire world was in world war 2 50 or so years ago, now its in a state where barely any wars are happening. 

And right now you are in an individual world war 2, but just like how world war 2 passed, so will this state that you are in.

Life goes in cycles and that's ok, just recognize it and move on.