Sexual thoughts in a relationship - conflict

[Shadowraix]

Context: I am polyamorous and she is monogamous. I'm perfectly content with the sexual exclusivity and rules of this monogamous relationship. I'm also her first boyfriend sexually. We have been together for 1.2 years.

Conflict: I had once said its normal to be attracted to people other than your SO. She randomly brought it up and agreed and said the problem is when you have sexual thoughts in which I replied those are pretty common too. That for me sexual thoughts are a pretty automatic appearance when I see an attractive woman but its a very out of sight out of mind thing. I experience them and move on with my day with no pursuit. She claims it still hurts regardless that she literally only thinks of me in a sexual manner. She says she is ok with me being polyamorous but not with me having sexual thoughts because it feels wrong to her. The discussion also included sexual exclusivity in which I discussed how I can let go and attach meanings to sex as I want to. Or that me having sex with somebody else wouldn't make me feel like the sex or bond her and I have isn't any less strong/meaningful. This continues and she eventually concludes she just can't understand and that she is trying. By the end of it she gets terrified of losing me and just keeps repeating 'I don't want to lose you, I will learn to understand' I did bring up MDMA for her to understand but she brought up so much that I decided against the idea of that because it feels forced and she was showing high reliance on it. I tried narrowing down and showing her the root of why she feels sexual exclusivity but she just resorts back to her feelings of it being wrong and she only wants it with me. Which as I said the exclusivity I am fine with but that still creates a further divide in understanding.

My concern & feelings: Overall I tried to help her understand my perspective with failure, but I fear that whenever we will go out that will just build resentment and jealousy in her. It also feels like a part of me (the ego) is rejected which signals to me a sign of incompatibility. Her saying she will learn feels like its highly out of fear of losing me. She also used her being on her period as an excuse for her being so emotional about it but I have no idea on how much weight to put to that. After this I started feeling a sense of repulsion towards her and any communication. She sent me a dozen message saying shes afraid of losing me and hoping we are alright and saying how much she cares and loves me and it only repulsed me even more.

I'm going to her house to spend time with her today, but I am not sure if its even a good idea to be with her at this point. Her attachment to is pretty high and my presence is a double edge sword it feels like. I've showed her a lot of Leo's content which blows her mind but she's very highly unmotivated. She keeps saying she will live in the present. I keep trying to get her to work out like she wants to, to study for her drivers permit like she wants to, to meditate like she wants to, but in the end she lays in bed all day and does nothing. I'm always the one sharing with her. She makes jokes and laughs sometimes we talk about serious political stuff but she never truly contributes content. And the fact neither of us have a car doesn't help. (Currently trying to save for one) Overall enjoy being with her but sometimes things feel bland and her attachment to me doesn't feel great when I mostly practice an unattached lifestyle.

[Michael569]

Without wanting to sound like an insensitive dick, you may want to reconsider the future of this relationship. With time the gap between you two will only grow with you working on yourself and her wanting to stay comfortable. Here jealousy is only likely to get worse as well unless she recognises it on time and devotes time into fixing it. 

it is NOT your job to be fixing her neurosis...it is pretty obvious that you guys do not have same motives or similar values. You becoming more and more unattached, conscious and openminded is going to drive her to hide deeper and deeper in the cacoon to the extend of her giving you hysterical jealousy tantrum when you talk to other girls (not necessarily). 

Just a food for thought. 

[archi]

I understand how tough it is .

First, you have to realize that you please just your ego with these thoughts and potentially it is or may lead to addiction.

She has to understand that she has to give you the freedom (detached attachment) otherwise it is also her ego. 

(I did not say that you have to talk to her about it and explain it to her. Don't force it.)

And to be honest, go to her house and fuck yours (both) brains out  and pay extraordinary attention to her  and what you are doing,

you are going to remove tension and input experiences and images of her in your mind and this way you upload a bit of new software .  

Enjoy!

[Shadowraix]

5 hours ago, archi said:

First, you have to realize that you please just your ego with these thoughts and potentially it is or may lead to addiction.

I don't particularly entertain these thought. They just appear when I see a girl I find really attractive. Then I move on with my day. From what I know it seems to be a pretty normal part of the human biology. Even in relationships. But again this may stem from me being polyamorous and agreeing to the monogamous relationship while I feel satisfied with it. 

5 hours ago, archi said:

She has to understand that she has to give you the freedom (detached attachment) otherwise it is also her ego. 

(I did not say that you have to talk to her about it and explain it to her. Don't force it.)

And to be honest, go to her house and fuck yours (both) brains out  and pay extraordinary attention to her  and what you are doing,

you are going to remove tension and input experiences and images of her in your mind and this way you upload a bit of new software .  

Yeah I don't bring the stuff up usually unless she brings it up. She was trying to comprehend my view but seemed to be hurting herself in the mix trying to do it. We have sex just about every time we see each other and I do give her lots of attention. 

 

On 11/8/2018 at 9:17 AM, Michael569 said:

Without wanting to sound like an insensitive dick, you may want to reconsider the future of this relationship. With time the gap between you two will only grow with you working on yourself and her wanting to stay comfortable. Here jealousy is only likely to get worse as well unless she recognises it on time and devotes time into fixing it. 

it is NOT your job to be fixing her neurosis...it is pretty obvious that you guys do not have same motives or similar values. You becoming more and more unattached, conscious and openminded is going to drive her to hide deeper and deeper in the cacoon to the extend of her giving you hysterical jealousy tantrum when you talk to other girls (not necessarily). 

Yep this is something I've been thinking about. And you didn't come off as insensitive. I'm fine with taking blunt advice. While I do practice detachment and its worked a significant amount I do think there is some there not to her per se but the idea of not being alone since I was single for 2 years prior to this. And there aren't that many people who wouldn't see me as crazy in this conservative christian town. Ending a relationship im sure often will come with 2nd thoughts. She's contributed a lot to me letting me experience a loving stable relationship for the first time with awesome parents. But I do know the path of most growth isn't always the easiest one.

I know its not, I was trying to do it out of desire to see her be better and she expressed some kind of desire to do things, but its never put into action.