Worst day of my life

[SageModeAustin]

I take everything for granted, I make the same mistakes more than once, I am selfish and lack self control.

My biggest demons are lack of self-control, OCD and extreme depression. 

Learning these things came with such a brutal fucking price. I ruined a great relationship (where we both deeply loved each other) because of these damn things.. 

 

Edited November 7, 2018 by SageModeAustin

[i am I AM]

What does intuition tell you that? 

Have you by chance tried breath focused meditation, like this: 2 or 3 times a day, at least 20 minutes each time. 

 Or CBT oil? Kava was great for my depression and a few have read some think it's been said it's helpful with anxiety...

Finally, until you lose emotional attachment to any of your past, your perception of yourself doing things wrong is in some way here inaccurate. You can feel free to feel exactly the same about it, though.

Edited November 8, 2018 by i am I AM

[Equanimitize]

3 hours ago, SageModeAustin said:

Learning these things came with such a brutal fucking price.

Sometimes the brutal fucking price is disguised as the opening to something much better and liberating. Maybe this wont help in the here and now, but one day it will. As long as you keep searching for the Truth. 

[SageModeAustin]

@i am I AM I do 25 minutes of meditation twice a day 

I have been smoking weed to help the depression and some other vitamins in combination..it does help, but by no means does it make my life enjoyable. 

Even if I lose this emotional attachment, I will still look at the situation the same. I view things pretty objectively and this is actually a big part of the problem of why it went the way it did.  

3 hours ago, i am I AM said:

What does intuition tell you that? 

Have you by chance tried breath focused meditation, like this: 2 or 3 times a day, at least 20 minutes each time. 

 Or CBT oil? Kava was great for my depression and a few have read some think it's been said it's helpful with anxiety...

Finally, until you lose emotional attachment to any of your past, your perception of yourself doing things wrong is in some way here inaccurate. You can feel free to feel exactly the same about it, though.

 

[non_nothing]

It's okay to slip off sometimes, enjoy

[i am I AM]

@non_nothing Yeah! It is.

@SageModeAustin I don't know. Your emotional attachment could reach deeper than you think. There's alot more emotions than in the English language. Maybe even any language, for some. 

Also (off-topic! Run for th hills!Ohnooo!!) sometimes I ponder whether we should change the title of United States to Rumi Nation.

[Mu_]

On 11/7/2018 at 6:43 PM, SageModeAustin said:

I take everything for granted, I make the same mistakes more than once, I am selfish and lack self control.

My biggest demons are lack of self-control, OCD and extreme depression. 

Learning these things came with such a brutal fucking price. I ruined a great relationship (where we both deeply loved each other) because of these damn things.. 

 

Would you say these are reoccurring events that bring the same result or similar suffering?  Are you tired of it?  Maybe its time to look at this and make some new choices to become less selfish, gain a little more self control and stop taking things for granted.  Just be real man, do you want to repeat this pattern?  If so do something, if not accept it and move on.

[SageModeAustin]

23 hours ago, Mu_ said:

Would you say these are reoccurring events that bring the same result or similar suffering?  Are you tired of it?  Maybe its time to look at this and make some new choices to become less selfish, gain a little more self control and stop taking things for granted.  Just be real man, do you want to repeat this pattern?  If so do something, if not accept it and move on.

@Mu_ Yes I've had this same realization. I am working on it. 

[kieranperez]

@SageModeAustin relax. I don't know the complete details of what you're going through obviously but as far as the overall picture, I've been there (still kinda am). 

First off, be very careful with this victim mindset. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions BUT in a way where that doesn't mean you're whipping yourself. You seem to be like me in your account of yourself and what's going on where this victim mindset comes in the form of 'I'm a victim to my own mind (depression, lack of development, OCD, impulsive behavior, etc.)'. This is tricky but I get it. Totally get it though. 

Honestly, really sit with yourself. Learn to be by yourself. Let these things work through you. Drop the weed. You're clearly just using that to cover things up and these things need to work through you. Learn the lesson of what you did that was maybe dysfunctional, manipulative, etc. and learn from it. 

Baby steps with the self-control but also make these steps both doable but challenging still. Sign up for maybe a race you think you can't do (maybe a marathon, 50K, etc.). Do something that demands more of you and set a reasonable goal for it and do it. I think this would be HUGE for you. 

All the best man  I know where you're at. It can feel like a living hell but it's okay. 

Edited November 13, 2018 by kieranperez

[SageModeAustin]

@kieranperez Thanks man. I did drop the weed. I am going to therapy again and am gonna try to fix my life up completely now.