I Think I Cheated - Suicidal Thoughts

[beatlemantis]

I’m uncovering a lot of truths about myself, and one that’s been hitting me intensely recently are the things I’ve done in the past in my relationship. 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, and he doesn’t know that I went online to show my body to other guys for validation a couple times during our relationship.

I’ve been subconsciously forcing myself to repress that information. But now it’s hitting me full-force as we have been incredibly open with each other lately. 

My gut is telling me not to say anything, I did these things out of a place of insecurity and I don’t think I could handle the consequences. I can’t tell him that I’m not the person he thought I was without waves of suicidal thoughts hitting me. 

I am an awful person for keeping these lies. I want to relieve myself of them but I fear too much what that will do to his life and mine. He’s moved to stay with me and we have plans for marriage, and I’m already such a social outcast that I don’t know if I could handle being penalized as an awful person by his family (and by the people in my college major, who he swore he’d tell and ruin my reputation if I ever cheated). 

I don’t want to make it sound like what I did was okay. It wasn’t - I broke his trust and his reality is a lie because of me. I just don’t know if I can handle being outcast the rest of my life because of my mistakes in this relationship. I will receive hatred from his family, my family, and my surrounding classmates - which will then leave me with nothing. And in that situation, I cannot see how I’d not be able to end it all. 

Im just incredibly lost. I want to be the person he thinks I am, I don’t even think that was me that did that - it felt so unconscious and I was so young.

But these are all excuses. Let me know your honesty. 

Edited November 7, 2018 by beatlemantis

[ajasatya]

@beatlemantis your way of dealing with your relationship is incredibly unhealthy. you need time alone to understand what you want and who you are.

my recommendation is that you just break up. tell him that you don't know how to deal with your feelings yet.

then allow yourself to feel all the pain you need to feel. alone.

[beatlemantis]

@ajasatya I am sorry, I know I’ve been flooding this forum. I just need some guidance. Thank you for your input. If you would like, I’m really interested in hearing how I’m dealing with this is unhealthy - I need any advice and grounding I can get. 

Edited November 7, 2018 by beatlemantis

[ajasatya]

@beatlemantis there's no reason to be sorry for posting here.

i just think that you're avoiding emotional pain and it's retarding your learning process.

i remember your story. you engaged in threesomes and it made you feel insecure. the truth is that your boyfriend does want to have sex other girls and since you feel that you're not enough, your low self esteem issues make you suffer.

it's a cycle. external validations won't heal your wounds.

[SFRL]

@beatlemantis You are being too hard on yourself. 

I don't think that you have done anything that crosses the point of no return. Definetly not something to have suicidal thoughts about. 

I am not saying what you did was right. If this is the guy you want to get married to don't do it again. 

But again, it could be considered cheating, but there are levels to cheating. 

You sound quite naive. I can tell you in the world out there, there is much more fucked up shit going on in relations on a very regular basis. 

I personally have done things much worse in my relationships. And girls have done things worse to me then what you did. 

The fact that you take it so hard shows that you got some morals. If you want to continue that relationship don't bring it up, and just don't do it again. 

On the other hand I agree that there seem to be some general signs of dysfunctionality in your relationship. 

Like you being a social outcast. That's more of a personal problem but you take that with you in a relationship. 

And the fact that he threatens to ruin you. Now again I don't know the context in which he said that. How serious he is about that. And how much of that is a neurotic action of his, or just plain manipulation. I can't can't tell from a written line in a forum post. But it is not the nicest thing to say. 

So what you want to with the relationship is up to you.

But what I want to say is don't beat yourself up too much over it. 

 

 

 

[d0ornokey]

you wouldn't be a social outcast if you cheated. if your bond is even somewhat strong with these people, i doubt they'd stop being friends with you if all you did was cheat 

[Odysseus]

hey. my advice: 

1. Read the book 'Radical Honesty' by Brad Blanton (to connect with the idea of step 2)

2. Tell your boyfriend what happened in full detail (what you felt showing your body to other guys etc.)

3. Maybe he will leave you; maybe he will stay with you. Overall you will get unstuck: you can start working on yourself (life purpose, socialising etc.) and build up a new healthy relationship or most likely you can start from scratch with your present boyfriend. He might have skeletons in the closet too. Either way, by not telling the truth about your feelings and not presenting the facts you will end up in a toxic, emotional abusive relationship. Don't waste your time living this miserable lifestyle - clinging to each other is escapism. 

4. Follow the advice in the book I mentioned before. It helped me a lot with my (relationship) problems.

5. You're not a bad person. Everybody makes mistakes. Start working on yourself to detach yourself. 

[Shadowraix]

8 hours ago, beatlemantis said:

who he swore he’d tell and ruin my reputation if I ever cheated). 

This alone tells me a level of narcissism.

If you loved someone and they hurt you, why would you want to try to ruin their life? Revenge doesn't solve anything. Its just perpetuating suffering.

If anybody ever told that to me i'd break up with them on the spot.

The best option from my view is to be honest. If he leaves, he leaves. If he stays he stays.

Being able to let go and flow with the outcome of life isn't as easy as it sounds, but the more you practice it, the easier it gets.

But I know roughly what you are going through. On the guilt stuff. I flirted with my gf's sister when I was experimenting with a specific drug. Was hard on me because I always denounced cheating and I did the thing I hated so much. She forgave me in the end and I've never done such things since.

At the end of the day no amount of feeling bad will change what you did. But you have a whole future to look forward to to be better and improve.

[beatlemantis]

On 11/7/2018 at 9:38 AM, SFRL said:

 

And the fact that he threatens to ruin you. Now again I don't know the context in which he said that. How serious he is about that. And how much of that is a neurotic action of his, or just plain manipulation. I can't can't tell from a written line in a forum post. But it is not the nicest thing to say. 

I know that he did mean it at the time. Perhaps he still means it now, he does have a lot of friends and connections in my major, however, he is already graduated. It is difficult because I do not think if I'd be able to handle the guilt of not telling him, and when I'm around him I think perhaps I deserve to have my life ruined because of this. 

I've been told by outsiders that he is very manipulative, he has admitted to it himself at times. I'm sure if I did tell him and break it off, he would tell his friends and family what happened, and from there on I would experience being a social outcast. There are still friends he has here that I experience every day. It would definitely tarnish my reputation, perhaps it doesn't have as much power as it once did when he was at school and his friend group encompassed generally the entire major. 

Anyway, thank you so much for your input. It's interesting to hear from someone who's gone through something similar as I am right now. Maybe I am overreacting, but it is a trust that I breached. We have done things to each other in our relationship, but this is most definitely the worst, in my eyes. (Or at least, that is what I have been told by those I've confided in). There is dysfunctionality in this relationship, there always has been, and I thank you for pointing that out because I believe it is important here. I'm still thinking on how to handle this situation, it's very complex.

[beatlemantis]

@Shadowraix This was very uplifting to read, and I really appreciate that you gave me some of your own harsh experiences to look at, too. I want to tell him, but I fear once he (the person I've shared the most with and understands me very deeply) marks me as a bad person, I will think of myself as that forever. He has seen my truth, and once he marks me as "bad", I feel, at my core, I will forever be "bad". 

It totally conflicted with my ideals as well - that's what makes this even harder. I've become the person I didn't want to become, and now I have to deal with the consequences. My mother and closest friend think its a safety issue if I tell him, and is not worth ruining my whole life over. It's very confusing, but my heart completely agrees with you, honesty is the only way out of this because I'll feel sorry forever and that won't help anything. 

[beatlemantis]

Thank you everyone for your input, it's really helped me think a lot. I understand the nuances and conflicting feelings for this situation and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share and help me out. 

Here's where I'm at right now: I am going to follow through and break up with him. However, I am conflicted on whether or not I should tell him, being: 

a. If I tell him the truth: 

• pros: cleared conscious, starting from "scratch", less guilt
• cons: risk of ruining my college career (will force me to move back home), gain the reputation of being a cheater, being seen as dishonest/corrupt by his friends/family who have accepted me as family, getting clarification that I am an awful person by a man who once fully loved and understood me (most likely), feeling even more isolated/outcast from everyone outside my family/close friends

b. If I don't tell him the truth: 

• pros: avoid the risk of ruining my college life/progress, only share this information with those who need to know (family, future boyfriends, etc.), perhaps save him from more heartbreak
• cons: know within my conscious that I am not living an honest life and that I have made a man live a lie without even knowing it, know that he has told me he would have suicidal thoughts/drug addictions if I left him, chance that I will cause more heartbreak if he's not angry with me, thoughts of perhaps I overhyped the situation and maybe we could have left with an understanding/no negative intentions to ruin my life and/or mental wellbeing

I have taken steps by confessing this to my mother and my closest friend, but now comes the last decision. Please let me know what you guys think. 

Edited November 8, 2018 by beatlemantis

[archi]

@Odysseus excellent advice!

I cheated and I'm sure honesty releases you.

As a consequence, your bond may get stronger but it also depends on the development stage of your partner.

 

Ultimately, there is no cheating per se but it is for longer discussion.

[Odysseus]

@beatlemantis I'm sorry but (your) relationship is very contextual so I can't give you a clear a. or b. advice. But I have some thoughts on your post:

On 8.11.2018 at 10:27 PM, beatlemantis said:

• cons: risk of ruining my college career (will force me to move back home), gain the reputation of being a cheater, being seen as dishonest/corrupt by his friends/family who have accepted me as family, getting clarification that I am an awful person by a man who once fully loved and understood me (most likely), feeling even more isolated/outcast from everyone outside my family/close friends

•  You're living with him right now, right? You can't live together after you broke up with him for sure but why is this ruining your college career?
• Getting a reputation of being a cheater is much better than feeling guilty for withholding. You said in another thread that your boyfriend showed interest for another girl and you showed your body to other guys for validation. I think some people who are really close to and love you will understand your mistake.
• You're not an awful person, you made a wrong decision. Everybody does. Fuck morals and follow your (intrinsic) ethic: if you value honesty, be honest from now on. Don't use that as a rule to cripple you, use it like a rule of thumb. Try your best.

 

On 8.11.2018 at 10:27 PM, beatlemantis said:

b. If I don't tell him the truth: 

• pros: avoid the risk of ruining my college life/progress, only share this information with those who need to know (family, future boyfriends, etc.), perhaps save him from more heartbreak
• cons: know within my conscious that I am not living an honest life and that I have made a man live a lie without even knowing it, know that he has told me he would have suicidal thoughts/drug addictions if I left him, chance that I will cause more heartbreak if he's not angry with me, thoughts of perhaps I overhyped the situation and maybe we could have left with an understanding/no negative intentions to ruin my life and/or mental wellbeing

• Do not try to make him feel better. His emotions are not your responsibility. Comforting him will likely make him feel worse. He has to live his own life. It is your responsibility to invest in yourself.

 

"Everyone goes into a relationship with the best of intentions. Most people come out of them feeling hurt and betrayed in some way. Most people come out having messed up royally somewhere along the way. There’s nothing uniquely horrible about you or that one person. Just learn from the mistakes and move on." - Mark Manson

 

[Viktor]

On 11/7/2018 at 4:18 PM, beatlemantis said:

(and by the people in my college major, who he swore he’d tell and ruin my reputation if I ever cheated). 

 

wow, wow, wow. First of all, only a super insecure person would ever tell you something like that. Maybe he is the one doing the actual cheating if he has that mindset. 
What you did was OKAY.  Are you not human? It was stupid, maybe wrong, but it's normal for a person to do something like this when they feel the need for validation. Most people live this way their whole lives. You did the most important step - admitting how you feel and trying to do something about it. The next step is to accept it. Thing like this happen. Even if you slept with someone it wouldn't have been the end of the world. It is sex we are talking about, a physical need we all have even if we are in a happy relationship with our "soulmate." 

This is why some of the happiest people are in open relationships, but I won't go deep into that because most folks have no idea what an open relationship is. However, your problem is not the desire for sex, it's a mental issue. 

Do not tell your boyfriend, he doesn't seem like a person who would even try to listen to you, he might act without thinking and break up with you and then go around telling everyone you're a slut  Yet again, why would that matter for you if you're not together. Why would it matter what his parents think? What would they say if you tell them he is not man enough to keep your private life away from everyone's ears. 

I believe you can deal with this problem by yourself at first and only if you truly think telling him is the right thing to do, you can say it. But ask yourself if you want to do it because of honesty, or because of your own guilt and subconscious need to break up with him. 

Lastly, you are too young. What reputation do you have? Are you an Instagram influencer? Do people look up to you? No, they don't. Do you know how many times I've ruined my "reputation" at school and university? Do you know how many of my friends were labeled sluts? It didn't matter one bit. Life goes on. It will all be forgotten the next day. You will think of this a year from now wondering how you could have made such a big deal out of it. 

Ask yourself if you love your boyfriend and do you want to be with him for the next 3 years?

[Rilles]

Tell him. It will teach you the lesson you need. Then you wont have to go through this again. Get some therapy to figure out why you want to show your body to (strangers?) people online. Good luck. 

Edited November 13, 2018 by Rilles

[pluto]

The biggest prison people live in is the fear and care of what other people think and will think of you. Once you let go of that nonsense life becomes galaxies more freeing and liberating. I would really consider looking into meditation, spiritual work, healing, psychedelics, nature therapy or something along those lines and spend time with yourself and or read books until you learn re-write all your programming because your programming is holding you back from being who you truly are and speaking your truth when its needed.

If you can, go traveling. The longer the better, its extremely healing and overwrites old patterns, thoughts, belief systems, relationship attachments ect... You can also try MDMA therapy with your partner but if it keeps happening and same patterns occur i think its a clear indication that you both have different paths now and if you don't let go and move on soon you will only end up destroying yourselves.

I was in the same situation for 5 years and it almost completely threw my life away and i almost completely lost my Enlightened State i had recently awoken to just before it started. I had to start from scrap all over again because i allowed what i held on for too long to destroy me.

There's much more to my story than just that toxic relationship but that was one of the major impacts which significantly shifted me from my natural state. Nowadays i talk to her time to time and we have our own lives so much happier and spending all this time with myself i see all that happened was more as a blessing than a curse but it should of ended years earlier i was just blinded from the chaos but when you are in it all you see and experience is the curse/chaos because deep down you know better but cannot "see" better because you are mentally/emotionally exhausted and focused.

When you step back, cut everything and everyone out for a while, awareness can rise again and things calm down and you can become more you again. Happiness is never found from another, that is the illusion and lesson you must learn and grow from that it was all you all along.

Hope this helps