Really stuck in life, nothing seems to work

[YoYoYo]

Hello!

I'm 24. After graduating from high school ~5 years ago, I've been working at several jobs, usually 2 weeks to 2 months, because of tiredness and depression I've never been able to keep the job, I have been fired twice bc I was late for work. Also I've been very long times unemployed, just being at home and browsing internet mindlessly. Just wasting time. Then I got addicted to weed, but quit that a year ago. Some things I've been trying to do to improve my situation:

 

- Meditation retreats: got basically nothing out of these, except one panic attack when I was very concentrated. I've done 5 retreats: 3x10 days, 2 weeks and 1,5 months. Also got Shaktipat from a real saint: no effect. 

- Psychedelics: ayahuasca retreats (2x2 days), LSD, mushrooms. Psychedelics don't work for me. I get some visuals but never any insights; ayahuasca didn't work even with 4 full shot glasses of it. I've tried high doses and all of these have been of good quality. This just baffles me; how come they don't have any effect on me?

[edit: maybe 5 years ago I had a non-dual experience on LSD 125mcg. A few hours before the trip I took Xanax.. So, once, it worked.]

- Excercise: ashtanga yoga, walking, stretching. These do improve my mood, so I do them regularly.

- Psychotherapy; It was Gestalt-therapy for 1½ years, I had zero benefit from it.

- Diet: I switched to very healthy vegan diet: fresh, good quality ingredients, home cooked meals, no sugar/junk food/caffeine/wheat. Though recently I've been eating sugar, wheat and caffeine since they are only things that give me enjoyment. Planning to quit these again.

- Did a major change: moved to another city to study art (painting). It's nice but I'm not really enjoying it.

- Reading: I read everyday, mostly 4-5 star rated books from Leo's amazing booklist which I recently bought. Also some fictional books.

- Medication: I tried many different antidepressants and benzos with no help so I quit them about 2 years ago. Benzos do make me relaxed and give a good feeling, but I no longer use them because I would get addicted.

 

But nothing seems to improve my issues. I'm very very tired everyday, I have no passion for anything and if I let myself just sleep, I'll sleep 12+ hours, because I see no point in waking up. Waking up to school is hell: I'm dead tired in the morning. I grind my teeth when sleeping; this makes the sleep quality worse. I do use mouthguard but my teeth are already worn out. 

My hormones seem to be very off balance. I'm a female and haven't had periods for a year and body hair has doubled it's lenght which is just weird.

I have no idea what to do. Everything I try, fails. If you have any suggestions: what to do, something to read, anything? I'd like to hear your view of my situation. Thank you so much. And thank you if you managed to read this long post. <3  

(One thing I've been thinking is to go to India and study yoga, because I like it and it would be good to get my physical health well (I have bad posture) before starting kriya yoga routine. Right now I can't do even maha mudra because my hips aren't flexible enough so I can't bend my leg to the side.)

 

Edited November 6, 2018 by YoYoYo

[Rebec]

@YoYoYo I'm very sorry to hear your story. 

2 hours ago, YoYoYo said:

(One thing I've been thinking is to go to India and study yoga

'Where ever you go, there you are'... maybe you find some benefits, but I believe this is temporary relief. Like diet, moving, vipassana and all the other things. It helps, but it isn't a solution to get rid of your daily suffering. 

You have tried a lot of 'outer' techniques, but there needs to be a 'inner' release, in short; work on releasing your emotions and feelings. And feeling totally oke with yourself, love yourself.

First try this; read; Letting Go by D. Hawkins and surrender to every feeling / thought and emotion. No more fighting the feelings, or wanting to change or fix the feelings. Learn to be with you, feel that you are enough, yes even with a depression, addiction, no work, etc. Once you accept your feelings as yourself, something strange happens, the suffering will dissolve. Hawkins even talks about releasing pain and other body related issues, maybe it also works on hormones. It is all in the book.

If you come from a state, 'I am not enough', everything you try will make it somewhat better, but your basis is 'I'm not enough'. When you release and drop 'I'm not enough', then the feeling can no longer be with you. Julienhimself YoutubeChannel talks a lot about this.

Then if you have some momentum with above technique, try this if you feel really stuck and don't know why you still do the things and behavior you don't like, ask yourself;

What payoff am I getting out of this positionality? What gratification, pleasure and satisfaction gives this position?

There will be some positives otherwise you should and would drop you unwanted behavior with ease.

Lastly; wanting awakings and enlightenment is a great and noble goal, but what if you reach it in 10 / 20 years and still feel miserable about yourself working towards it? It doesn't work. As Leo mentioned in his latest video, you need both. 

Start with working on releasing your emotions, learn to love yourself. 

Wishing you all the best with your journey ?

[YoYoYo]

@Rebec Oh yes, that is so true. I've been focusing mostly on outer techniques and things because I've never known how to develop how I feel inside, which is even more important! Indeed my mind will follow me anywhere I go, be it my home or India or whatever place. It's so valuable that you made me see this. And now I know where to start: will order and read that book & check that yt channel. Thank you million times, much love! : )

[bejapuskas]

@YoYoYo I cant believe you didnt do almost any inner work while doing all this haha

[YoYoYo]

@bejapuskas Now I feel like a failure, but it's quite easy. I was too lazy and unmotivated to do any of that, even to research how to do it. Also I have so much painful traumas etc. which I'd rather not look into. I guess now I HAVE TO, if I wanna feel better. Do share your best techniques?

 

 

Edited November 7, 2018 by YoYoYo

[non_nothing]

On 11/6/2018 at 8:52 PM, YoYoYo said:

But nothing seems to improve my issue

Look, we gotta define your underlying measure system. How do you conclude that you aren't getting any improvements. Let me give you an example to illustrate what answer I'm expecting. Imagine a finish line that's away 100 meters. Now If I tell you, I'm not improving any, you could ask "towards what?" and I'd point at the finish line at 100 meters away.

Now what's your comparison system? Be bold. What do you want in this life?

Edited November 7, 2018 by non_nothing

[YoYoYo]

@non_nothing My measure system is how good I feel. Despite of doing all this things listed, I still feel lazy, depressed, tired... I want to feel enthusiastic, passionate and have energy! I want even once wake up not feeling dead tired.

For two days though I've been feeling pretty okay, because I start to like painting more and more every day. Maybe I get to build my life purpose/career out of this. I'd love it.

 

[non_nothing]

52 minutes ago, YoYoYo said:

I want to feel enthusiastic, passionate and have energy

For what really? No offense but why? Like what keeps you to say "I;m happy?"

53 minutes ago, YoYoYo said:

I want even once wake up not feeling dead tired.

I know that wish and It took me long time to realize how It is up to you to wake up full happy in the morning. I gotta ask you again why cant you? Sorry we gotta take steps in this way in order to get to a point, you gotta answer some questions to slay the dragon. bare with me

[YoYoYo]

@non_nothing Sure, just thankful to receive any help! 

I just can't feel happy when I have huge anxiety & physical pain. And I feel most anxiety and depression in the morning so I haven't yet figured a way how to wake up happy. I agree, it's up to me only to be happy, but I can't just force it?

[non_nothing]

2 hours ago, YoYoYo said:

@non_nothing Sure, just thankful to receive any help! 

I just can't feel happy when I have huge anxiety & physical pain. And I feel most anxiety and depression in the morning so I haven't yet figured a way how to wake up happy. I agree, it's up to me only to be happy, but I can't just force it?

Okay The anxiety and depression are very real things. We can't just say ignore them and move forward. But let's just for a moment, box them and put them aside for a while. You just have to tell me one thing you'd like to do, one thing, one simple thing, It would be opening your window and inhaling fresh air in the morning, It would be maybe something even requiring more effort like taking a walk but that's not really necessary, the lesser the effort the better is the effectiveness of it, THAT you would do in the morning, even including you have the box of depression and anxiety in the mornings, That one thing you'd do for free and will make you feel happy about it that you did it, what would be that thing?

 

EDIT: Think simple, don't make it overcomplicated, do not come up with list of things to do. Even don't tie it to "you have to do it in order to beat the depression or some sort" this is none of that!

Edited November 14, 2018 by non_nothing

[Tom Grooffer]

@YoYoYo Reading your story, this is what comes in my mind: 

- Societies notion is "follow your passion", but the reality is that you get passionate about something once you become good at it, find something and stick to it. You seem to be passionate about Yoga, why not make a decision to become a Yoga teacher? But you have to stick to and give it your best, and build a life around it: maybe one day you'll meet you're Yogi man and you build a social life etc.

- Do you have any fears you are not facing? Face them.

Edited November 14, 2018 by Tom Grooffer

[bejapuskas]

@YoYoYo Have you read/tried Katie Byron techniques? Many Leo's videos are based around that... It really helps, its a legitemate solution  

[MsNobody]

Hey you!

you described a lot of things I can relate, not sure if you checked with doctor but those could be symptoms of PCOS, I have it too, hormones impact our mood a lot, how are you feeling in your body? Hormonal imbalance plus cortisol (stress hormone) can develop depression and anxiety. Also psychedelics mess up a lot with our energy, in a good way of course, but mostly to our mind, it’s hard for the body to keep it up (or catch up with the progress of our spirit) maybe if we slowed down and gave a break to all those techniques and gave some space for the body to integrate we would be more calm and balanced, that’s what I’m trying to do   Very challenging 

wish you luck in your journey, and hit me up if you need to talk ?

 

Edited November 15, 2018 by MsNobody

[YoYoYo]

Oh man! Thank you all so much for your responses <3

 

@non_nothing Hmm well, preparing a porridge with berries. This is what I do every morning tho and feel happy about it for a moment. 

 

@Tom Grooffer True that! 

I've thought about becoming a yoga teacher, but I think to be a good teacher one should practice yoga routine every day (morning), but I spend morning and evening hours in meditation. I wouldn't have time to do daily yoga. Any yoga teacher, feel free to comment this.. I do love practicing yoga tho.

I have severe social anxiety, so I fear people. I have no friends and zero social contacts. Because I'm so isolated it's hard to work on this fear. Right now I'm trying to find a suitable therapist.

 

@bejapuskas I have heard about "The Work". Will research more! Thanks a lot  

 

@MsNobody PCOS is something I've been thinking about too. My body is ok otherwise but I'm often very tired, am anemic, have bloated lower abdomen all the time and grind my teeth intensely at nights (which I'm associating with suppressed anger). So yes like you said, calming & balancing is needed. And relaxation. (Good relaxation techniques anyone?) I really need to work on my emotions, which is why I'm finding a therapist and will read the book suggested above. & Thanks, all the best to you too <3

 

If anyone knows more books, techniques etc. for working with emotions, relaxation and social anxiety, do tell me!

 

Edited December 7, 2018 by YoYoYo

[Nick5050]

i don't know but you could try shamanic breathing. Helps to deal with trauma and surpressed feeling or emotions. I've done it like 5-6 times few months ago and it helped me. Just relax while doing it.