Constantly questioning myself.

[Dean Walker]

Hi members of Actualized.org, I'm Dean im 27 and new to the forum. I've watched Leo's video's going on 2 years now and must admit I'm a bit of a dabbler in self actualizing and the methods Leo shares, but in joining the forum I plan on implementing self actualization more in my life. 

After watching last night's video 65 principles to live a good life I had a thought and was hoping for some clarification to how stupid I'm thinking about this, so it was that by being open to all points of view I thought this would make me more suggestible to other people's ideological thoughts. This then led me to contemplate my life before and after becoming less ideological so to speak.

So from an early age up until around 21-22 I was a highly ideological person, I only believed what I had been taught and my opinion was the only one that mattered, I thought men were indefinitely the better sex, I agreed with war and bombings on the middle-east, I thought God was only a term for religious fanatics and this is just to name a few. As you can see I had very little empathy or compassion for anything other than myself or loved one's. Then at around 21 I started smoking weed, which I believe was a catalyst for being more empathetic and less ideological. I now think of both sexes equally strong and unique in their own ways, I don't agree with today's wars and I understand God is a term used by many and not all have the same meaning. I also think I might have a little stage yellow thinking going on as before I knew about spiral dynamics or integral thinking I'd offen see intelligent people attacking flat earthers, not that I'm a flat earther but I'd just think to myself those people are just seeing it from a different perspective so no need to attack them. 

But in the last 5 or so years seeing things from this perspective I've found my social life or skills have taken a huge drop, before when I was very close minded and ideological I had a lot of big friend groups in my city, I got more attention from women and more respect from men, I had very little anxiety if any and just felt like 'myself', however now I find myself anxious in most situations and constantly questioning myself or thinking of what to say when this was never an issue. I struggle speaking up and don't have the confident presence I used to it's like a complete opposite of how I used to be. 

I feel like I need to integrate my old personality with my new one but honestly I have no idea what's going on. I hope this is understandable and anyone's perspective on this would be highly appreciated. 

 

 

 

 

 

[seeking_brilliance]

Do you smoke daily?  There's something extremely special about Marijuana because it absolutely changes people's lives (for better and for worse) . But it's a two edged sword, because if used often it does things to your working memory that causes strange actions and loss of words.  Then again, I've always been the kind of person that can't think of what to say in the moment, but can always come up with an awesome comeback later when it's too late. Marijuana seems to increase that habit about me.  I have found that being mindful, even when having hangover fog, helps to bring you feeling back to normal. (by the way, in my experience, weed may help anxiety in the moment, but perpetuates it when withdrawing, causing the desire to smoke more. Kava kava will help with the day after jitters. Try to find a good extract in pill form. ) 

I understand the feeling a need to integrate your old personality with the current one, but my suggestion is to forget about your old personality. There may be things you want to change about this current one, but it's you. You can't go back. Doing this work can become a lonely life. Doesn't mean you can't have friends but I'm just saying don't pine for the old days. Accept what is.  If you want to be more social, be more social. Put the work aside for a bit and enjoy being social. The work will be there when you get back. 

[Dean Walker]

2 hours ago, Caterpillar said:

Yeah that's the downside of being empathic. You care too much about offending people. Hurting people is okay because it makes them stronger in the long run. And their happiness is their responsibilty not yours.

• 2 hours ago, Caterpillar said:

  •  

Yeah I feel like I have an almost constant filter checking my thoughts before I reply to people, whereas in the past I never. 

1 hour ago, seeking_brilliance said:

Do you smoke daily?  There's something extremely special about Marijuana because it absolutely changes people's lives (for better and for worse) . But it's a two edged sword, because if used often it does things to your working memory that causes strange actions and loss of words.  Then again, I've always been the kind of person that can't think of what to say in the moment, but can always come up with an awesome comeback later when it's too late. Marijuana seems to increase that habit about me.  I have found that being mindful, even when having hangover fog, helps to bring you feeling back to normal. (by the way, in my experience, weed may help anxiety in the moment, but perpetuates it when withdrawing, causing the desire to smoke more. Kava kava will help with the day after jitters. Try to find a good extract in pill form. ) 

I understand the feeling a need to integrate your old personality with the current one, but my suggestion is to forget about your old personality. There may be things you want to change about this current one, but it's you. You can't go back. Doing this work can become a lonely life. Doesn't mean you can't have friends but I'm just saying don't pine for the old days. Accept what is.  If you want to be more social, be more social. Put the work aside for a bit and enjoy being social. The work will be there when you get back. 

And yeah I smoke daily, well nightly to be exact but I've had breaks anywhere from a week to 3 months over the last 5 years. I can vouch for the memory though mine has definitely decreased since smoking. But the thing is I was always really witty and socially outgoing beforehand and I didn't originally smoke to decrease anxiety I smoked for the more laid back less neurotic mindset I had, and to a degree it helped me out of a very ideological mindset. But now when I quit I find myself being more opinionated, quicker to judge and more rude. 

I suppose what I'm saying is I feel like a better person now than I used to be but I don't see why I have to suffer socially, why can't I be a more concious person but still regain my social confidence. 

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Dean Walker said:

I don't see why I have to suffer socially, why can't I be a more concious person but still regain my social confidence. 

You can, these things have nothing to do with each other. In fact, most people who become more conscious have a dramatic increase in their social skills. So your experience is interesting to me.

My intuition says that you should stop smoking weed. I think you've learned the lessons you can get from it and it's now becoming a bit of crutch.

[Dean Walker]

56 minutes ago, aurum said:

1. other. In fact, most people who become more conscious have a dramatic  in their social skills. So your experience is interesting to me.

• My intuition says that you should stop smoking weed. I think you've learned the lessons you can get from it and it's now becoming a bit of crutch.

4 hours ago, Caterpillar said:

56 minutes ago, aurum said:

 

 

• 4 hours ago, Caterpillar said:

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4 hours ago, seeking_brilliance said:

 

I meant to quote @aurum and done the full thread instead my bad. I agree it gave me a completely different perspective but perhaps in continually using it I've relied on it to remain open minded but that's resulted in the social problems from over analysing maybe. 

[seeking_brilliance]

On 11/5/2018 at 0:11 PM, Dean Walker said:

•  

Yeah I feel like I have an almost constant filter checking my thoughts before I reply to people, whereas in the past I never. 

And yeah I smoke daily, well nightly to be exact but I've had breaks anywhere from a week to 3 months over the last 5 years. I can vouch for the memory though mine has definitely decreased since smoking. But the thing is I was always really witty and socially outgoing beforehand and I didn't originally smoke to decrease anxiety I smoked for the more laid back less neurotic mindset I had, and to a degree it helped me out of a very ideological mindset. But now when I quit I find myself being more opinionated, quicker to judge and more rude. 

I suppose what I'm saying is I feel like a better person now than I used to be but I don't see why I have to suffer socially, why can't I be a more concious person but still regain my social confidence. 

I feel ya. Like I said, Its a two-edged sword.  It expands consciousness (or dissolves the walls of ego, whichever), but it has a dark side too. Sometimes I need just a little bit to feel normal, otherwise I get foggy and irritable. And then even when I smoke a little, I am withdrawn and in my head. Only rarely does it make me feel outgoing like it used to. Even if you didn't originally use it to help with anxiety, I'm sure you have noticed some anxiety creeping in when not using it, perhaps not. 

as @aurum said, you have probably gotten from it what you need, and its time to let go. Easier said than done though, as I have been trying to do that for a long time now.... if you can't let it go then you have to accept it as it is. 

[Dean Walker]

56 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

I feel ya. Like I said, Its a two-edged sword.  It expands consciousness (or dissolves the walls of ego, whichever), but it has a dark side too. Sometimes I need just a little bit to feel normal, otherwise I get foggy and irritable. And then even when I smoke a little, I am withdrawn and in my head. Only rarely does it make me feel outgoing like it used to. Even if you didn't originally use it to help with anxiety, I'm sure you have noticed some anxiety creeping in when not using it, perhaps not. 

as @aurum said, you have probably gotten from it what you need, and its time to let go. Easier said than done though, as I have been trying to do that for a long time now.... if you can't let it go then you have to accept it as it is.

I must of misunderstood you but yeah what you said pretty much explains my dilemma and now anxiety is present, the easiest way I could explain is that when I smoke I'm introverted but thoughtful, when I don't I become more extroverted and care free. Yeah I think aurum is on the money but as you say easier said than done. 

I haven't had any since Sunday night so going on 48 hours and today I've already noticed myself being more outgoing but also judgmental I suppose. But like you say you have to accept it for what it is and that thought has been cropping up lately then I see the likes of Terence Mckenna lifetime user of cannabis and Alan Watts who always had a cigar in he's mouth and I think where am I going wrong.

[Forestluv]

@Dean Walker This sounds like a transitional stage in which immature spirituality is maturing.

IME, I can't return to earlier stages - even if I tried.

[Arthur]

@Dean Walker  Have you tried not smoking for two weeks and check the results?

From what I've observed, continues smoking can cause social anxiety. It's actually a vicious circle: weed --> feeling anxious --> more weed.

You don't have to worry about dropping in development if you stop. There are much more well-developed people who never smoked in their life. 

If anything, weed is a hindrance and an obstacle you need to overcome. It clouds your judgment, makes you anxious and forgetful, not to mention no desire to pursue life purpose and mastery. Maybe it helped you to see through SD Orange when you were a teenager, but now its time to move forward.

[Dean Walker]

@Serotoninluv I sure hope so, I've felt drawn to deeper meaning since I was a child. 

3 minutes ago, Arthur said:

@Dean Walker  Have you tried not smoking for two weeks and check the results?

From what I've observed, continues smoking can cause social anxiety. It's actually a vicious circle: weed --> feeling anxious --> more weed.

You don't have to worry about dropping in development if you stop. There are much more well-developed people who never smoked in their life. 

If anything, weed is a hindrance and an obstacle you need to overcome. It clouds your judgment, makes you anxious and forgetful, not to mention no desire to pursue life purpose and mastery. Maybe it helped you to see through SD Orange when you were a teenager, but now its time to move forward.

Yeah I've had breaks of upto 3 months and to be honest and after a couple of weeks I remember feeling very reserved yet powerful. You saying it helped me through stage orange has just made me have a bit if a realisation, maybe the confidence and social life was over-confidence and an exaggerated social life due to a highly materialistic perspective. 

[KelliCooper]

One of the things we don't see coming in personal growth is this constant questioning of EVERYTHING! It can be super uncomfortable but if you can get comfortable with that discomfort, nothing can stop you. At the end of the day, the only thing that stops us is the icky feelings. Learning to relate to all my mental chatter differently really helped--when I just let it do its thing, the emotional charge goes away and it is actually quite bearable

[Dean Walker]

@KelliCooper yeh I'd agree with that one of the most helpful methods I've found helps is just observing my emotions and letting them be.