How do you overcome suppressed femininity as a woman?

[Kaity]

I'm 23 years old female and literally this day, today, this idea hit me: "Oh fuck, I've been suppressing my femininity my entire life."

Funny because I was raised in a greatly patriarchal environment where women were expected to be nurturers, caregivers and "feminine," whatever that word means stereotypically. But I guess since sexuality was largely demonized, (especially for women) and it wasn't acceptable for women to engage in free sex or even embody/show any characteristic that would bring the word "sexy" into your mind, I started to suppress this side of me from a very young age.

Being surrounded by sarcastic males and unfortunately also females, I was pushed to become a tomboy, even though my original personality was very feminine. So feminine that not sure how society or my family even managed to suppress it to this level.

Eventually I became terrified of being labeled as "girly." God forbid if someone used the word "sexy" towards me.

I wasn't as concerned with strangers as I was with my family and classmates. I had a huge insecurity to wear a skirt, makeup or anything besides baggy jeans and oversized t-shirt in front of my brother, my father other male relatives or my classmates. I was doing modeling as a sidejob and even though I hated the work, I guess this was my only place where I could embody my feminine side, shielded by "well I need to make money" excuse.

But this is just the "normal" part of the problem. I grew extremely distanced from femininity and women who conveyed this quality were either repulsive, or scary to me. Even today, I get super uncomfortable around feminine girls and I feel like a bearded middle-aged dude when I'm in their company..(Even though I look and dress very feminine myself)

Also, I always find it way easier to communicate with men than women and I feel way more comfortable in tomboy girls' company. My self-defense has always been that ohh, these feminine women are either silly, incompetent or they were just born this way and I must be this masculine type, which is why I don't get along with them. But I took some tests and looked at the characteristics of feminine/masculine energies and apparently I embody 90% femininity! This means that I've been suppressing literally 90% of myself for 23 straight years! No wonder I get irritated by feminine energy. It's something that's screaming from within, yet I'm too afraid to face it. I'm way too disconnected from it to be able to even see the potential of ever embodying it.

This is a scary realization and I want to start fixing this issue as soon as possible. Any recommendations where do I start? Any books? Any similar stories? Is there a hope?

[Equanimitize]

2 hours ago, Kaity said:

This is a scary realization and I want to start fixing this issue as soon as possible. Any recommendations where do I start? Any books? Any similar stories? Is there a hope?

This is a beautiful realization some Women/Men go their whole lives not being congruent with their deeper nature and due to social conditioning never get out of their own perpetual slavery. I would reframe this as just an opportunity for growth to take you to the next level of evolution so that you can show up in the World congruently and powerfully and become your best version with the vehicle you were issued by God. 

I don't know of any books specifically, although David Deida has several books with a spiritual undertone that talk about the masculine/feminine polarity. You can also check out Teal Swans videos on youtube, as she talks about feminine nature. Maybe the best option is try and hang out or get in social circles where there may be feminine Women, you can think of it as sort of like an exposure therapy. 

[Athena]

2 hours ago, Kaity said:

I'm 23 years old female and literally this day, today, this idea hit me: "Oh fuck, I've been suppressing my femininity my entire life."

Funny because I was raised in a greatly patriarchal environment where women were expected to be nurturers, caregivers and "feminine," whatever that word means stereotypically. But I guess since sexuality was largely demonized, (especially for women) and it wasn't acceptable for women to engage in free sex or even embody/show any characteristic that would bring the word "sexy" into your mind, I started to suppress this side of me from a very young age.

Being surrounded by sarcastic males and unfortunately also females, I was pushed to become a tomboy, even though my original personality was very feminine. So feminine that not sure how society or my family even managed to suppress it to this level.

Eventually I became terrified of being labeled as "girly." God forbid if someone used the word "sexy" towards me.

I wasn't as concerned with strangers as I was with my family and classmates. I had a huge insecurity to wear a skirt, makeup or anything besides baggy jeans and oversized t-shirt in front of my brother, my father other male relatives or my classmates. I was doing modeling as a sidejob and even though I hated the work, I guess this was my only place where I could embody my feminine side, shielded by "well I need to make money" excuse.

But this is just the "normal" part of the problem. I grew extremely distanced from femininity and women who conveyed this quality were either repulsive, or scary to me. Even today, I get super uncomfortable around feminine girls and I feel like a bearded middle-aged dude when I'm in their company..(Even though I look and dress very feminine myself)

Also, I always find it way easier to communicate with men than women and I feel way more comfortable in tomboy girls' company. My self-defense has always been that ohh, these feminine women are either silly, incompetent or they were just born this way and I must be this masculine type, which is why I don't get along with them. But I took some tests and looked at the characteristics of feminine/masculine energies and apparently I embody 90% femininity! This means that I've been suppressing literally 90% of myself for 23 straight years! No wonder I get irritated by feminine energy. It's something that's screaming from within, yet I'm too afraid to face it. I'm way too disconnected from it to be able to even see the potential of ever embodying it.

This is a scary realization and I want to start fixing this issue as soon as possible. Any recommendations where do I start? Any books? Any similar stories? Is there a hope?

What tests did you take?

[aurum]

@Kaity

I would start just by becoming comfortable around women who embody the femininity you want. Make friends with them and see how many of your judgments were misguided.

If you can't do that, Instagram is your friend. Find women on Instagram who you like and just start following them. What do they wear? How do they talk? What are they interested in? What don't they like? Why do they do what they do?

That will open you up to making changes yourself. And you'll also have a group of people around you that won't judge you for the changes you're making.

[Forestluv]

@Kaity This realization is very insightful and profound. For me, the next step would be to become aware of how attached I am to this "Story". Yes, there was a lot of conditioning that constructed a personality afraid of exploring and expressing femininity. Yet, the self can attach/identify with this Story and create a strong belief that "I am blah blah blah". In this case' "I am resistant to explore, embody and express femininity". It's time to let go of that. Exploring femininity is a wonderful process. It's time to let go of all those limiting beliefs. When one arises, be aware of it. Perhaps ask "Where did that thought/belief arise from? Is it true? Is it serving me?". Then, let it go.

I would explore various forms of femininity through music, art, writing, dress, expression. I would hang out with women and men that are open to expression of both feminine and masculine energy and don't play traditional gender roles.  

[Kaity]

@Serotoninluv  This is all extremely supportive and and I can't describe how much it helps! Sharing such an ugly side of you with others isn't easy but at the same time it feels enormously liberating, especially when it's met with compassion from others.

I like that you brought "attachment to story" to my mind. Although it has not yet become my story because I was totally unconscious of it up until yesterday, it could've easily become one. (Especially now that I have verbalized it) So it's a great warning sign to keep in mind. 

Big thanks!

Edited November 6, 2018 by Kaity

[Kaity]

@aurum I agree that instagram could be a great tool for this before getting comfortable with the real world. I'll probably have to be a creep for a while, stalking and staring at some random women's pictures and meditating on "accepting" them  But results are what matter the most in this case I guess. Thanks for inspiring me to invent this exercise for myself. I'll share it with others in similar shoes if I find it useful  

[Kaity]

@Athena There are bunch of personality/core energy and "How masculine/feminine are you?" tests. Lot of them are silly, but you can still gain a certain understanding of where you stand. However, some research is also required about these polarities, which will help you strengthen your initial assumptions. 

[Kaity]

@Equanimitize  I've read some of Deida's books before and they served me as a great eye-openers and educators. But at the end of the day, it's the practice that brings results, which I haven't thought of doing until yesterday. Thanks for your encouraging feedback! Such a great support makes the beginning of this process way easier. 

[Emerald]

On 11/4/2018 at 6:49 PM, Kaity said:

I'm 23 years old female and literally this day, today, this idea hit me: "Oh fuck, I've been suppressing my femininity my entire life."

Funny because I was raised in a greatly patriarchal environment where women were expected to be nurturers, caregivers and "feminine," whatever that word means stereotypically. But I guess since sexuality was largely demonized, (especially for women) and it wasn't acceptable for women to engage in free sex or even embody/show any characteristic that would bring the word "sexy" into your mind, I started to suppress this side of me from a very young age.

Being surrounded by sarcastic males and unfortunately also females, I was pushed to become a tomboy, even though my original personality was very feminine. So feminine that not sure how society or my family even managed to suppress it to this level.

Eventually I became terrified of being labeled as "girly." God forbid if someone used the word "sexy" towards me.

I wasn't as concerned with strangers as I was with my family and classmates. I had a huge insecurity to wear a skirt, makeup or anything besides baggy jeans and oversized t-shirt in front of my brother, my father other male relatives or my classmates. I was doing modeling as a sidejob and even though I hated the work, I guess this was my only place where I could embody my feminine side, shielded by "well I need to make money" excuse.

But this is just the "normal" part of the problem. I grew extremely distanced from femininity and women who conveyed this quality were either repulsive, or scary to me. Even today, I get super uncomfortable around feminine girls and I feel like a bearded middle-aged dude when I'm in their company..(Even though I look and dress very feminine myself)

Also, I always find it way easier to communicate with men than women and I feel way more comfortable in tomboy girls' company. My self-defense has always been that ohh, these feminine women are either silly, incompetent or they were just born this way and I must be this masculine type, which is why I don't get along with them. But I took some tests and looked at the characteristics of feminine/masculine energies and apparently I embody 90% femininity! This means that I've been suppressing literally 90% of myself for 23 straight years! No wonder I get irritated by feminine energy. It's something that's screaming from within, yet I'm too afraid to face it. I'm way too disconnected from it to be able to even see the potential of ever embodying it.

This is a scary realization and I want to start fixing this issue as soon as possible. Any recommendations where do I start? Any books? Any similar stories? Is there a hope?

Same thing here. This is very similar to what I discovered. Here are a few videos that may be of help in understanding what is actually being suppressed.

One of the reasons why your story and my story are so common amongst women is because society's definition of femininity is very limited. So, as young girls, we look and we see that by society's definition masculinity is far more fleshed out and superior to society's definition of femininity. And there are tons of people who want to maintain this reductionist way of viewing the feminine.

But the reality of the matter is that there's a lot more going on relative to the feminine than society knows. The feminine principle is interesting and deep and fits like a glove. It's dark and gritty as much as it is light and innocent.

Here are some videos of mine that center around this topic.

 

[Charlotte]

This is an amazing thread... Thank you for posting @Kaity its actually brought up some issues with myself. The fact I can resonate with you on a lot shows your not the only one. 

This in particular made me laugh...

On 04/11/2018 at 11:49 PM, Kaity said:

around feminine girls and I feel like a bearded middle-aged dude when I'm in their company..(Even though I look and dress very feminine myself)

I do to! ?

To be honest though, I don't think femininity defines how you dress. This is how I define femininity and masculinity... Can you resonate with any feminine traits here?...

[Privet]

I have the opposite situation. I am a feminine male. I think the best way to deal with that is to stop trying to force the opposite polarity. You can't become feminine by mimicking feminine behaviour, you have to fix the root, which is lack of surrender, attachment to control and fear of judgement.

Do you feel ashamed of your masculinity?

Can you fully accept yourself being masculine?

[MsNobody]

@Charlotte loved this!

@Kaity I can relate to it! I was the third girl so my dad raised me just like a boy, and the fact that society praises masculine energy, which is rational, focused in productivity, analytical, non emotional and many more masculine qualities..  I found myself a woman trapped in a man’s body, even my exercise routine was lifting weights, doing high intensity stuff etc.

I would recommend the book Women who run with wolves, engaging in activities like dancing, singing, making art, being creative, painting, drawing and mostly important spending time in nature, it gives me a lot of balance. Wish you luck in your journey ??

[Hellspeed]

Tantra. 

[Smika]

I’m the complete opposite of you, haha. I’ve always had rather tomboyish tendencies growing, but was constantly told to be more like mother and my sisters. 

Over time I noticed myself becoming more and more feminine. I’m by far the most feminine (in terms of how I act) out of all my friends. However, it’s all surface level. It doesn’t go beyond how I talk, walk and look. In fact I have the least  amount of feminine interests and traits out of all my friends, and I’m always learning new things by conversing and observing them.

Most of my interests are rather on the masculine side. And I uncovered through astrology that I have a ratio of 6/4 in terms of masculine/feminine traits. I don’t mind that my masculinity isn’t as visible. It usually takes people by surprise, and it adds more depth to my persona.

I don’t think you always have to convey how you feel outwardly either. Yes, sometimes it can be good to appear to others in a manner that is consistent with your personality. It may also reduce disappointments later on in life. But it’s also great to be unpredictable and complex. Be proud of your many layers. 

If you want to increase your feminine energy, I would recommend watching videos addressing ‘Devine feminine energy’. My favorite youtubers in this field is by far Candice Oneida and Isabel Palacios. I recommend checking out their content.

Grant it, most of these focus on inward feminine energy rather than outward feminity. Feminine energy is also highly linked to creativity. So try to be more creative in life. This may also include how you express yourself outwardly. Owning your sexuality is also a big key to unlocking your true femininity. Let go of all shame and guilt, and just free yourself. Unlocking your 2, 4 and 6 chakra can also increase your feminine energy.

Good luck! ?

[Leo Gura]

@Kaity Psychedelics help. A lot. As they show you your authentic personality.

1 trip is worth 100 videos.

The problem of authenticity is so deep, it's not merely social or psychological, it's metaphysical. You can only really resolve the issue metaphysically. The ego is too terrified to really be authentic. It's a matter of life and death.

Authenticity will only really come with the elimination of the ego. Which is not to say you can't or shouldn't do some self-help or psychological work. That can be useful. But it won't solve the root issue.

[Lynnel]

11 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Kaity

1 trip is worth 100 videos.

I can vouch for that.

I'd even argue that psychedelics are a quantum jump in consciousness which helps you tremendously if you're ready.

Psychedelics help a LOT with authenticity and releasing different random fears which usually prevent authenticity. Be sure to try them.

[Devi Shanti]

On 04/11/2018 at 8:49 PM, Kaity said:

I'm 23 years old female and literally this day, today, this idea hit me: "Oh fuck, I've been suppressing my femininity my entire life."

Funny because I was raised in a greatly patriarchal environment where women were expected to be nurturers, caregivers and "feminine," whatever that word means stereotypically. But I guess since sexuality was largely demonized, (especially for women) and it wasn't acceptable for women to engage in free sex or even embody/show any characteristic that would bring the word "sexy" into your mind, I started to suppress this side of me from a very young age.

Being surrounded by sarcastic males and unfortunately also females, I was pushed to become a tomboy, even though my original personality was very feminine. So feminine that not sure how society or my family even managed to suppress it to this level.

Eventually I became terrified of being labeled as "girly." God forbid if someone used the word "sexy" towards me.

I wasn't as concerned with strangers as I was with my family and classmates. I had a huge insecurity to wear a skirt, makeup or anything besides baggy jeans and oversized t-shirt in front of my brother, my father other male relatives or my classmates. I was doing modeling as a sidejob and even though I hated the work, I guess this was my only place where I could embody my feminine side, shielded by "well I need to make money" excuse.

But this is just the "normal" part of the problem. I grew extremely distanced from femininity and women who conveyed this quality were either repulsive, or scary to me. Even today, I get super uncomfortable around feminine girls and I feel like a bearded middle-aged dude when I'm in their company..(Even though I look and dress very feminine myself)

Also, I always find it way easier to communicate with men than women and I feel way more comfortable in tomboy girls' company. My self-defense has always been that ohh, these feminine women are either silly, incompetent or they were just born this way and I must be this masculine type, which is why I don't get along with them. But I took some tests and looked at the characteristics of feminine/masculine energies and apparently I embody 90% femininity! This means that I've been suppressing literally 90% of myself for 23 straight years! No wonder I get irritated by feminine energy. It's something that's screaming from within, yet I'm too afraid to face it. I'm way too disconnected from it to be able to even see the potential of ever embodying it.

This is a scary realization and I want to start fixing this issue as soon as possible. Any recommendations where do I start? Any books? Any similar stories? Is there a hope?

Hi Kaity!

Something I consider important that made the difference for me is to be connected with nature. Study a little about the moon phases, the feminine cycles and try to feel it day-to-day. And I dont mean only the physical and biological phenomena, but also a metaphysics perspective.. Go deep! If you know each phase and its characteristics, you can use it to develop self knowledge and potentialize your power as a woman. This can even regulate your menstrual cycle and synchronize it with the moon (it really happened to me). Even the experienced farmers are guided by the phases of the moon to manage their production because they know all nature changes because of it. We are not different.
If we are connected with our real nature and flowing in it, appearances dont matter, because it is not about stereotypes, its totally about pure reality. Magic things can happen when we are tuned to nature