29 years of never completing a goal

Fredrik Andersson · November 3, 2018

The now-analysis,

My homeostasis is the result of a distant father, an alcoholic borderline mother who constantly yelling and an ADHD older sister with violent anger outbursts.. Psychological and physical abuse.. Well, I don't really know what my homeostasis is built out of, my broken and neglected childhood is definitely a building block for it. All the "work" that comes from having trauma as a child. The bad self-image, the insecurities, the inability to trust, inability to feel emotions. My homeostasis sucks.. That failsafe centre in my life where I'm laying in bed, unemployed while watching useless entertainment and eating cancer. At this point in life I can practically taste when this extreme force is trying to bring me back to my homeostasis every time I put up a goal or trying to make a change worth something. I feel trapped, really. My ego is so strong it is scary. I start a good routine up, like meditation every day for 30 days, or reading 25 pages every night before bed, or going up the same time every day. After a certain amount of time, I end up feeling like I need to drop everything in my life just to survive. The weight on my shoulder that is called my life becomes too much to carry. That monotone road of persistence feels like an endless desert. This pressure in my chest, these neurotic thoughts like "I'm going to get sick if I keep this up".. The stress that tens up my body while I'm forcing myself to keep going, to complete this ONE thing in order to find a way out of this loop, this matrix that blinds me from everything I ever wished I had. Inner peace, purpose, self-trust. I push myself to the point of destruction. Of burn-out. Of feeling weak. I can't take the stress of a job, I can keep it up for 2 months, then the pressure comes, I can do a routine for 15-20 days then the pressure comes..

I don't know about this Journal, what it will be.. I do know that this is where I am. Stuck with being unhappy. I have no idea what my big vision for my life is yet. I have done the life purpose course and logically know a lot about what my career might look like. But before I can even think about creating some sort of future career, I need to be able to trust my own abilities and maintain habits. And before I can maintain habits, I need to know what the hell is wrong with me? What is this pressure in my chest, the stress? If I don't get to the root of the pressure inside, I can never get anywhere..

So far I have the idea that this pressure is suppressed feelings, sadness. When I meditate "into" this pressure I sometimes start to breath heavily and fast. It feels like I want to puke up all these things inside. Almost like a food poisoning got stuck in there years ago. But the emotions don't come up as emotions. Just as a slight "less pressure".. Sadness and anger are hard to let out for me (if it is that).. I feel ashamed of crying and feeling sorry for myself, of being a victim. And anger I relate to being stupid and dramatic. Logically I know I defiantly should be sad and angry, and that it is ok. But the events that would make me feel these emotions are so far away. I don't even remember them really. I just know my childhood was very tragic. I don't even know if this pressure is these emotions, it's just a guess.

When I was I kid I fled into my mind and the future, where I could build whatever life I wished. Then I lived off that image. The "now" was so horrible that I just keep imagining up a new life that I wanted, how I would have it and how it would be. Imagining a future and creating a vision has never been a problem for me. No.. The now, the small baby-steps towards that future, that's where I have the problem. So instead of dreaming up big and amazing things that I will accomplish. I narrowed it down to the small habits I wish I could have in my life. These small habits are for now my big vision. My biggest life goals. As I see it, there is no reason to paint a fantastic future if I can't get out of bed in the morning..

My biggest goals in life are these:

Get into, and out of the bed the same time every day (completed goal when I've done it for 1 year)
Meditation habit (just like Leo), 1h every day no matter what for 1 year (completed goal when I've done it for 1 year).
- EDIT: Changed to: Enlightenment habit (By following Leo's Practical guide to enlightenment) 1h every day no matter what.
Eating healthy: Being a vegan, and no sugar (completed goal when I've done it for 6 months)
Change entertainment for knowledge. One book a week as Leo suggest (completed goal when I've done it for 1 year).
Workout 3-4 times a week. (Completed goal when I weigh 70 kg in a healthy way. Weigh 60-63kg now).

Edited November 4, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 4, 2018

UPDATE - GETTING BACK UP ON THE HORSE | MY FIRST STEP

Restore sleeping habit to normal

I have been here before many times after falling off my habits and hitting the bottom of comfort. Living so far from my values and goals for a time until I get totally fed-up. After being fed-up I reach a point of hope about a better life and gain the strength to make decisions. What is different this time is that I'm documenting my process publicly. I don't know if that is going to make a difference, but it feels different. Even if nobody would read it or comment on it, It feels different to write it down somehow.

I'm going to try to be more systematical this time. Measurable goals that I can manage. Most important: One baby-step at a time! This could maybe help me identify my problems better. Where I meet the most resistance and where to put most effort.

In 19 days I will go to a place called New Life Foundation in Thailand. It is sort of a rehab where I will go in therapy three times a week. A lot of focus on New Life is about eating healthy (veggie) and meditate and do yoga every day. They focus a lot on burnout, stress, addiction and trauma. I will go the program for 30 days (includes the therapy), after that I will probably volunteer there for another 30 days. I see this place as an opportunity for me to drill some of my new habits into my life. Going up early and meditate every day for example. It will be easier with the support of therapy, other people with the same problems and minimal distractions.

Baby-step goal 1: Restore my sleeping routine back to normal.

Now: Sleep between 5am - 4pm.
Goal: Sleep between 23pm - 6am.
Goal achieved: Saturday 10th of November (7 days).

I am going to use a technique where I push my time when I go to sleep with 3 hours every day until I am back to my normal routine. I found this routine on the internet 8 months ago when I was in the same position. It really worked well and was a more manageable way to get back to sleep "normal" hours. At New Life, I will be going up at 6 am every day so these 19 days will help to prepare for that.

I don't yet know what my next baby step will be towards getting back up after restoring my sleeping routine to normal.

If anybody reading this and feel like they have suggestions, thoughts etc, feel very free to express them. Maybe someone has gone through similar things, someone might see something between the lines that I don't yet see about myself. Maybe a YouTube video recommendation or a thread here on the forum worth reading? I welcome everything that could be relevant.

Edited November 4, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 4, 2018

NOTES - ENLIGHTENMENT

I just finished reading this:

It's a very scary topic, enlightenment. I get so fucking curious and terrified at the same time, what/who am I?

Basically, I went into personal development to end a lot of unnecessary suffering in my life and finding my true purpose. Reading this practical guide, I don't know if that is the way? Could it be?

Is enlightenment the point of life?

In the guide Leo mention that enlightenment is NOT things like: A psychological change, Emotional mastery, The cure to all your bad habits and evil ways, A form of self-improvement or self-help etc.

I guess my real question is, how much impact does enlightenment have on these areas? Could seeking enlightenment benefit areas such as finding life purpose and dealing with emotional problems etc? hmm..

I found this video that could explain this: The benefits of enlightenment

EDIT: ANSWER FROM VIDEO - What I can expect from enlightenment:

A massive reduction in the level of my own suffering (micro level suffering). Such as being annoyed, being bored, judgmental that make people depressed, neurotic, bitter etc.
Freedom from worrying, doubts, fear or anxiety.
A permanent end to overthinking. Being able to just enjoy the present moment.
Immunity to heavy emotions like deep anger, sadness, deep loneliness. They will no longer affect you in the same way.
The end of addictive behaviours. Both heavy addictive behaviour and soft addictions.
The end of worrying about what people think of you. An end to abscessing over yourself.
A permanent end to striving in life. "how to get more money, power, status, love" and abscessing about how to get these things.
A stop to loneliness and neediness for approval or love, respect and other attachments.
eliminate Neurosis.
Take away a lot of stress from your life.
Less need for sleep, and much more physical energy. Stop wasting energy on worrying and other neurotic behaviours.
Enlightenment is the whole path, the journey that begins your real actualization. This totally opens you up to transform into what you truly want to become.
A way to deal with chronic pain.
Puts you in touch with your body.
A longer life and better health.
Deep self-acceptance and deep self-love.
Enables true love. Powerful and authentic relationships (all relationships, friends, your boss, family etc.).
The deepest understanding of truth that a human being can get.
Death without regrets (to BE more instead of DOING more).
Better relationship towards society, the world and other human beings (human race).
You being enlightened greatly improves the world.
Life becomes satisfying to you again, more like the effortlessness of when you were a child. Living from a place of "being in the zone, no matter what".
Unconditional happiness and peace of mind.

It truly sounds like enlightenment could be the answer to a lot of the things I want to change in my life based on Leos view of the benefits. Luckily, I trust Leo very much, otherwise, I would think he oversold the benefits of enlightenment. I highlighted the areas that would greatly benefit my main goals. Goes without saying that all these points would benefit everybody's life. It surely looks like Enlightenment is the path to walk for me.

Since my main goal is meditating one h every day no matter what, the pursuit of enlightenment should be the main focus of that h of meditation. Therefore, following Leo's practical guide to enlightenment is the best use of that one hour. With this realization, I will redefine my goal in my first post to:

Enlightenment habit (By following Leo's Practical guide to enlightenment) 1h every day no matter what.

Edited November 4, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson
found answers to my own questions

Fredrik Andersson · November 4, 2018

RESPONS TO POST

@Maximus Hey man! Cool that we have similar experiences in so many areas, even if they are more or less awful

Tell me about your Thailand retreat, how/what was it? Did you gain any wisdom you would like to share?

Nice to have someone that follows my journey! As I explained I am really bad at keeping up habits. But I've made a promise to myself now to really keep this journal up to date, even if the results are a lot of backsliding and negative results.

The problem with my inconsistent sleeping habit is very hard to define for me. It is so many different aspects that could be the root cause. So far, I believe suffering in the form of strong negative emotions is the root cause. My days are filled with a lot of unhappiness and heavy emotions, which doesn't help when trying to get up in the morning. It's just so much easier to escape the suffering of a loooong day by falling back to sleep. It is the same principle that got me addicted to drugs. Sleep is just another form o escape from negative emotions. At least that's my theory. I have no idea how to find the solution to these extreme emotions though. Thoughts?

Idk if I am allowed to use my computer there, I hope I can take 20 minutes/day before bed to write my progress and findings in this journal though! Thanks for writing!

Edited November 4, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 4, 2018

NOTES - VIDEOS TO WATCH THAT SUPPORT THE GOALS OF THIS JOURNAL

Every time I look through the videos on Actualized YouTube I seem to get sidetracked by getting sucked into watching things that are "just interesting". Leo has so many videos that are super interesting and I often end up just watching things like "how to get a girl to squirt" or "using 5-Me0-DMT to become enlightened" when those things have nothing to do with where I am at in life right now. Sure, making girls squirt seem fun, and to use psychedelics seems, well terrifying, but also fun. To not get this sidetracked I will now sort out the videos that will benefit me on this journey to become a person of habit.

To clarify my goal for this journal even more: the ultimate end result would be resembling the extreme habits of Ben Affleck in the movie The Accountant. To do my chosen habits NO MATTER WHAT, that is the picture my mind paint in my head when I think about where I wish I would be in life.

Actualized videos that will help guide me towards my foundational habits:

Get into, and out of the bed the same time every day
Enlightenment habit, 1h every day no matter what
Change entertainment for knowledge. One book a week as Leo suggests

Build your infrastructure for success
The 3 levels of personal development work
How to get shit done
How to stop backsliding
27 qualities of all successful people
Understanding emotions part 1
How to master and control your emotions
How to be a strategic motherfucker
The Power of Routines [DONE]

I will watch each of these videos followed by a 40min to 1h walk afterwards contemplating each video (Idea taken from the book So good they can't ignore you by Cal Newport) and then post the thoughts and insight about them here in this journal.

Edited November 5, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 4, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 1

Been up since 5:30 pm. The time is 7 am now and I start to hear the birds chirping outside my window here in Australia. Only need to be awake 5 hours more (11:59 am) which will be no problem. Being awake at weird hours messing a bit with my stomach though. I make sure I eat something every 3-4h and drink a lot of water. Feels good to have time to research a lot during these quiet hours when everybody is sleeping. I spend a lot of quality time here on the forum and watched a video from Leo (the benefits of enlightenment) and took notes (above this post somewhere). Now I will eat breakfast/dinner and take a walk in the morning sun.

Fredrik Andersson · November 5, 2018

VIDEO - THE POWER OF ROUTINES

Summary:

1. excellence is not an act, but a habit
2. we are what we repeatedly do
3. waking up on time and taking that first step of your routines starts the momentum
4. stop trying to preserve your comfort state
5. imagine if you can execute your routines for a whole month?
6. start with a backbone of routines, weeks of slowly ramping your way up. then you can add on.
7. it's the baby-steps that take you where you want to go.
8. consider removing negative routines as well
9. commit to doing it for multiple weeks to get your momentum (like a rocket).
10. your either down in the comfort zone, or in the struggle of trying to get the routine in place. You need to be consistent and keep the habit up until you can sort of cost your way through.

This video is more of a motivational video about "why routines are important". I don't feel like I got the step by step formula to create a backbone or foundation of routines. I would like more information about the baby-stepping formula and how to actually drill routines into my life in the best way. I wonder if there are good books about how to go about this in more depth?

Edited November 5, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 5, 2018

RESPONS TO POST

@Maximus

Sounds awesome! I hope I have some insights like that as well on my stay at new life!

Fredrik Andersson · November 5, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 2

The second day of restoring my sleep. Been a pretty slow night. I fell asleep around 11:30 am and woke up around 7 pm Monday evening (7,5 hours of sleep). Feels pretty weird to wake up in the evening. I been awake all night and are going to be awake to at least 3 pm today (Tuesday). I took a long meditative walk after waking up and since then I been spending my time in my bedroom. My friend that lives on campus has had anxiety for the whole day so she came over around 11 pm and looked terrible. Tens and very unhappy. She was clearly stuck in her head the same way I sometimes get with a lot of negative overthinking so I gave her a message to help her calm down. After that, I spent the night working on clarifying my goals a bit more and how I will work my way up to my ultimate daily routine by using baby-stepping strategy. Trying to be more realistic and not be neurotic about the results I so desperately want. More than anything my problem is about not being able to be consistent (29 years of never completing a goal). Therefore the actual baby-steps should be very manageable and keeping the focus on just doing them every day for a long period of time. Slowly building myself up, and by slow I mean slow.

Anyway, the clock is about to be 9 am and I will soon go up from my bed and eat a steady breakfast and take a swim in the pool just to keep my body moving a bit. Don't do that much moving during the night and in 6 hours I will go to bed again. A successful day towards restoring my sleep.

Edited November 5, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 5, 2018

NOTES - YOUTUBE VIDEOS ABOUT GETTING UP IN TIME

How to wake up early - and not be miserable

Consistency is key (duuh!)
Pre-bedtime routine. Ex. warm shower and meditation, and writing down lingering thoughts to calm a racing mind.
Limited screen use before bedtime makes a huge difference. Ex. no screens 30-60 minutes before bedtime.
Use smart alarm apps like Spincycle (makes you spin around to turn the alarm off),
Use wakeup lights.

How to Wake up at 4:30 AM and be Excited - 4 Simple Steps to Wake up Early

Optimize your environment.
If you read, read fiction rather than personal development since that will give you a lot of cool ideas or things you want to do.
Don't ever snooze.
When you hear the alarm, count from 5 back to 0 and just get up.
You need to have a reason to go up. You can't convince yourself to wake up early "just because". Create a list of things you want to do the next day before you go to bed.

You will never wake up late after watching this II TRUTH REVEALED

You need a reason to wake up early! Find your reason!

Why Is Waking Up So Hard?

Light immediately when you wake up is critical to wake up.
Waking up in the morning will be easier and easier, it will be very hard in the beginning. Having a morning routine that you feel good about will help you very much.

Best Alarms for getting out of bed:

Uhp tells your facebook friends that you didn't get up on time.
Alarmy makes you take a picture of a certain object to make sure you're up.
Sleep Cycle is an alarm that optimizes your rest time.
Barcode Alarm lets you set up a series of alarms for your morning routine.
Snap Me Up wakes you up with a selfie.

My takeaways:

Since I will try to keep my routine as manageable a light as possible to be able to maintain it I think its important for me to not create too many "sub-routines". A pre-bedtime routine seems very important to be able to pull this off, so does a morning routine.

My Pre-bedtime routine.

No screens after 22:30. This means removing a bad habit just to be able to begin a new one, which will probably be a struggle by itself. Instead of removing technology all together, I will change my habit from watching series until I fall asleep into listening to a guided sleep meditation by Meditation Oasis. This removes the screen. I will also set my iPhone to a scheduled nightshift so I don't get blue light while putting on the meditation.
You need a reason to why you want to wake up in the morning!! Create a list of at least 3 reasons why I want to go up in time the next day before I go to bed.

My morning routine:

Use the most efficient "getting out of bed" alarm app.

GOAL: Being in bed at 11 pm and go up 6 am every day for 21 days straight.
SUB-GOALS: No screens after 10:30 pm. Write a list of the three most important reasons why I want to get up the next day before I go to bed. Using Alarmy to make myself go out of bed in the morning.

Edited November 6, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 7, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 3

4 days ago: went to bed around 4-5 am and slept well past 4 pm.
Today: Will be going to bed at 6 pm. Progress!

Thanks to my schedule I will be able to sleep for at least 5-7h.

I starting to feel really tired now (2:30 pm) with 3,5 h left on this day before I can go to bed. I can tell that my body feels the stress of not having a regular sleeping habit. I am moody, have a weird stomach and are easily agitated. Luckily, the weather is awesome and I been able to spend time in the pool to pass time.

I have a sense that turning the sleep around is the easy part, well it really sucks but still. The hard part will come in 2-3 days when I need to start keeping up with my strict sleep schedule. That's where the real challenge is.. I'm pumped tho, to see how well I will be doing. 21 days shouldn't be impossible, even for me.

Edit: I fell asleep at 5:30 pm and to my surprise, I slept for 11 hours (woke up 4:30 am). Today I will try to be up until 9-10 pm and tomorrow will be the first day I need to set the alarm for 6 am. Progress!

Edited November 7, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 7, 2018

NOTES - JOURNALING - ACHIEVING GOALS

Living as a slave to comfort and failing life over and over again truly suck ass. Well, in a negative way that is.. After hitting bottom, where seeking comfort have been the main purpose of each day for over two months, I once again realize that familiar insight that comfort isn't comfortable.

I know this feeling I have right now after completing my goals for a couple of days in a row. This small sense of taking control of my life again and how good it feels to be on top of my shit. But it will only feel good for as long as the wound of feeling weak and helpless is fresh in my memory.

Sooner or later I will be back on the grind, the place when I feel like I have been keeping things under control for a longer time and comfort starts to look "ok" and justified again. "I been so good lately, I deserve to sleep in.." or whatever.. I will start to forget the pain of comfort, the pain of getting controlled by it. It scares me. Because I am truly done with not getting anywhere and at the same time have this limiting belief of being able to achieve my goals. I am so tired of walking in circles. Moving around in the world, going overseas just to realize that where ever I go, I'm there.

How many times do I have to fall down in this trap before I gain the understanding and strength to push through it for real? This first step, this first resistance is so great, so powerful that it will take everything I have to rocket out of its gravity. This sense of pressure in my chest when meeting resistance, of my thoughts telling me I am about to get sick and that I need to rest. Being consistent is like fighting my fears, negative emotions, addiction, negative thoughts all at the same time. Consistency, being persistent for a long time is the threshold guardian standing in the way of everything I wish I could do, have, be.

That giant motherfucker standing in the way of the beginning of my journey. I can't even go into the woods and explore my path without defeating this guardian. I don't want to sit and lick my wounds anymore while justifying my behaviour to people around me with lofty ideals and theory. Oh yeah, I am so smart and wise, I can rationalize everything and explain things is such a depth that people think I'm this or that. But what I am I really? Is that what I truly want? Going through life talking about thoughts and imagination? Man fuck that.. I've done that my whole life, trying to portray myself a certain way in the eyes of others with nothing to show for it.

The most important thing in my life should be to be able to complete goals, constancy. Being persistent. That's what it is all about. It doesn't matter what the goal is about, it is still built up of the same components. It won't matter if I want to reach enlightenment, have an awesome body and health, delete stress from my life, neutralize addictions, have more money and be able to keep a job. It all boils down to being able to complete goal-oriented tasks for long stretches of time. That's it.

The purpose of my life should be to pick a goal and stick with it to failure - evaluate what went wrong and make changes and get back to completing the goal. This is the essence of moving forward in life, the opposite of being stuck. The fun part of each day should be to keep track and document the progress of the goals. If this is too hard for some reason and it becomes "impossible" I need to go back to evaluate what went wrong and make changes again. NOT giving up and fall back to comfort. When I feel like I have a set goal in mind and taking baby-steps towards that goal, I feel great. Even if my day is hard I still feel like I have something bigger in the works that make me motivated. Something more important than "just being comfortable".

I know this, I write this down now, this is my truth. Still, I am afraid of the resistance I will meet. The emotions in my chest that become a life sucking force bringing me to my knees. The force I been trying to flee with drugs, sleeping through life or living in an imagined future in my head. It's so hard fighting the enemy when the enemy is in my head. That voice of destruction, manipulating, scheming and using my worst fears against me.

There is hope. I never kept the ramp towards achievements low and long enough to be manageable. I always start at a point where everything sucks and I see how far away I am from where I want to be. That leads me to build a ramp that is too short and steep. A ramp that feels good in the beginning because my gains are good. I start to see a difference almost right away. But then, when resistance kicks in, it all becomes too much and I will fall off and hit the ground hard. And on the ground I will have this idea that "yeah, I just suck as a person, there is something wrong with me, I am broken and will never amount to anything".

This time I WILL take it slow enough to win. Baby-steps. I will remind myself that the X on the map is not the goal. The ability to stay on the path towards it, the consistency, is the goal. Even if the X on the map is just the path towards finding the actual map.

Getting up on time every day is a biiiig goal. It's one of the hardest things for most people. That makes me wonder if I picked the wrong starting point. But still, getting up in time every day is the beginning of everything. It's hard to keep this habit on the sidelines. I still believe that I can do this. It will be hard as hell, and I probably will fail a lot. But if I succeed with getting up on time every day for 21 days straight, I will have built the momentum I need to take my life to the next level, once and for all.

Wish me luck!

What are the best books to read when it comes to learning to achieve goals and being consistent?

Edited November 7, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 9, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 4/5

Fell asleep 11 pm and slept to 3:30 am (4,5h of sleep) Thursday - Friday.

I'm reeeeelly tired now (12 pm) and are struggling a bit with being awake. The motivation is still strong though and I feel on top of it. Tonight will probably be the first night I will be able to fall asleep 11 pm and actually sleep to 6 am, which means that my sleep will be restored. Progress!

That means that the first baby-step is accomplished and I can start moving towards the actual goal and challenge. 21 days of going to bed and waking up the same time. I will start a separate thread for that mission and keep this thread as a journal with notes and thoughts about the bigger picture of learning to stick with goals.

I have this voice in my head telling me I suck when writing these updates. People are curing cancer and getting enlightened and here I am being proud of not falling asleep and going out of bed for a couple of days. I think that's part of the problem. All people struggle in their own way with different things, and then I compare mine with others. Some people have a hard time forgiving others, stop watching porn, eating healthy or not judge. Things I have a pretty easy time doing. But I only compare my lowest self with others and see myself as a failure. Staying with a goal is my struggle, I think I should be more kind towards myself for actually trying, and taking these small steps towards getting up in time. That is huge for me.

If I can complete this 21 day challenge, I know it will unlock a lot of ambition and self-confidence. Even if the steps are super small now, the result could lead to big things!

Fredrik Andersson · November 9, 2018

VIDEO - 27 QUALITIES OF ALL SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE

RANK YOURSELF 1-10, HOW GOOD ARE YOU ON EACH ONE?

a. Inspired on some level by life, almost on a spiritual level

a. Abnormally hardworking
b. Obsessive about how they work
c. Almost workaholics
d. Can’t stop doing work
e. Strong work-ethic is absolutely necessary

a. High tolerance for failure
b. Don’t take failure personally, don’t get depressed by it
c. They plow forward every single time until they get to there goal

a. Rule breakers, do not follow rules of the society, the organization, the family unit, the religious structure
b. Flexible with the rules
c. Able to think outside of box

a. Abnormally clever, than the bunch

a. Good at manipulating situations and people to get what they want past through (e.g. maybe good at manipulating bureaucracy, manipulating a government system, manipulating their family, manipulating their friends, manipulating people in their company, manipulating giant masses of crowds, the way that politicians sometimes do)
b. Manipulation is a tool or tactic, not necessarily evil—it’s an ability some people have c. Need to be clever in your manipulations

a. Highly creative people
b. Not just in the artsy, imaginative, or poetic sense (although that’s a great attribute to have)
c. Fundamentally, you can create stuff (the ability to create), not just in the arts, but anywhere, in business, or anywhere else
d. Successful people are creative people—they create lots of stuff
e. Creative people generate massive value (i.e. impact thousands or millions or even billions of people, with their work, or with their ideas, or with their ideas speeches, or with whatever). You need to generate massive quantities of value in today’s world in order to become successful

a. Willing to train hard to develop their technical skills in whatever field they are trying to master and become successful at
b. Deliberately, methodically practice a certain set of skills over and over and over again until you master it finally. They invest thousands of hours mastering technical skills
c. Most people are mediocre because they have mediocre technical skills

a. They really want to do excellent work, they take pride in their work, they have this sense of being the best at what they do, or doing something really exceptionally well that gives them a certain joy, and a certain satisfaction above the mediocre person

a. Visionaries, they see a big bright picture of what the future should look like, for them, for their life, for their followers, for their business partners, for their customers; they see into the future. That’s a very powerful skill to develop

a. Because they have this vision, they lead people, they’re fundamentally carving their own path through life, they are on the cutting edge of their field, and they’re not content just to be followers, they break off on their own and do it themselves, their own way, and that usually means some new unique way that hasn’t been done before

a. Intuitive, they know how to use their intuition
b. They’re guided by their heart and by their gut, more than just by their logical mind, they’re right-brain thinkers, they’re holistic thinkers, they can take in and assess multiple variable in a kind of complex holistic way, and then they can get this kind of big picture of what need to be done, and sometimes it just comes as a gut feeling

a. Quick, firm, and very crystal clear about what they want

a. It’s not about the money
b. Motivated because they want to impact the world, want to have a positive contribution to society, maybe because they’ve got a big ego and they’ve got a lot of pride, and they want to grow and expand and aggrandize that ego, which is not necessarily a very healthy drive, but that’s still that’s superior than being driven by money, alone.
c. Most successful people love the work they do, they’re passionate about it, so it comes more or less comes naturally to them, not because of the money

a. Able to select one field or domain and invest years of time and build up a lot experience in that one field
b. Like a laser beam
c. Mediocre people are like a diffused light bulb, shining in all different directions

a. Have a desire to be the best, to be at the top of your field, to be the one who accomplishes something really great and extraordinary
b. Almost an ego thing (not necessarily the healthiest drive)
c. You need that, to rise to the top

a. As soon as they hear an idea, or they have a great idea, they go off and immediately start to implement that idea
b. Have a bias towards action, rather than sitting and thinking (paralysis by analysis)

a. Have firm and strong opinions because they have firm and strong values and beliefs because of course they are decisive

a. Stand up for themselves and their values, and their beliefs, and their ideas

a. Fundamentally they believe in themselves, they believe that they can, and they believe that people around them can, and they believe that society can
b. Different from depression—a lot of people are actually quite depressed, a lot of successful people kill themselves from depression

a. Willing to act in the face of fear
b. Don’t let the fear paralyze or stop them or scare them away

a. It doesn’t necessarily need to be book smarts, it could be street smarts, it could be learning from your coworkers, or learning in a social environment, or learning from brute trial and error experience

a. Willing to sacrifice fun, socializing, sex, partying, drinking, doing a lot of entertaining stuff as much, spending as much time with family; their relationships could suffer. They select success over all this other stuff

a. Fueled from the inside, nobody has to kick you in the ass to tell you what to do, you do it yourself, you kick yourself in the ass
b. Can become a neurosis

a. To be successful you need to spend at least 5 or 10 years developing some sort of proficiency or excellence in some kind of field

a. Practical, more so than idealogical or idealistic
b. Willing to align to the realities of the marketplace, the realities of the political climate, the realities of the time you’re living, the realities of the organization you’re trying to create change in
c. Willing to compromise certain elements of your ideology, compromise your integrity a little bit, in favor of pushing something through, not always will you get it your way, not always will the perfect scenario just materialize for you and this is exactly how it’s going to be; rarely do you get the “perfect” when you’re trying to achieve something big. Usually, you have to cut corners and you have to make sacrifices there, and this requires a willingness to be practical versus ideological

a. They’re fundamentally advancing their own agenda
b. The best leaders are a little bit egotistical, a little bit narcissistic, and they’re a little bit selfish, and these qualities turn out to be effective when you’re trying to reach the top

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

RESULTS

I REALLY NEED TO WORK ON THIS

Hardworking, Strong work-ethic
Extremely Persistent, plough forward every single time until they get to there goal
(Strong) Training In Technical Skills Willing to train hard to develop their technical skills, deliberately, methodically practice a certain set of skills over and over and over again until you master it finally.
(Highly) Focused Able to select one field or domain and invest years of time and build up a lot experience in that one field - like a laser beam
Have a Rapid Speed of Implementation, have a bias towards action, rather than sitting and thinking (paralysis by analysis)
Decisive, Quick, firm, and very crystal clear about what they want

NOTES / CONCLUSION

All the points where I rated bad directly relates to my main goal: Learning to be consistent. It looks like it truly is the root of my biggest problems. Being decisive and have a rapid speed of implementation might not be as related as the rest of them. But I still think I rate badly in those areas because I don't really believe in myself. And that is based on my track record of giving up too quickly. If I knew I could achieve things and had more confidence in that ability, I think I would be more decisive and implement things rather than thinking about them.

Edited November 9, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 10, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 6/7/8 COMPLETE

Sunday is here and I just went up 06:00 after falling asleep 23:00. I'm back!

Going up and staying up every day forces me to deal with my life more productively. Yesterday I got this pressure in my chest and it felt like I just wanted to escape. Usually, before I got sober, I would take some pill to make me feel different. When I got clean and fresh I didn't get any real tool to deal with strong negative emotions like that so I found new ways to escape. In times when I "couldn't deal" with something, I'd go to bed and listen to meditation until I fell asleep for 1-3 hours.

This fucked up my sleep, it also made it really hard to go up in the mornings and be on top of things. My mind got used to being able to just sleep if I felt bad and in the mornings' everything sucks, usually. So my mind was like "yea but you feel bad so you shouldn't go to school or work until you feel better". Since I knew that my solution to negative emotions was sleep, I figured there was no point of going up if I was just going to feel negative emotions and go back to bed again.

Having this mindset of never going to bed until the times I've set up makes me deal with this issue. Just from these 7 days of being awake no matter what starting to force me into dealing with my issues a different way. Just this morning, I felt like I was a little sick when waking up and immediately realized the thought pattern of staying in comfort. By going up anyway and get the sense that things do not fall apart by living through the struggle/discomfort makes me feel a lot better inside. Stronger and I start to believe in my abilities.

Some real momentum has started to form.

Edited November 10, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 13, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 1 TO 4 OF GOING UP 6 AM

My fourth day of going up the same time every day. It's going well. It works really well right now since I just finished my semester and have a break from everything. When I go up early I have to go through a lot of emotional hardship and struggle to no fall down in my old habits and mindset. Some hours of the day is solely about forcing myself to stay awake and keep doing what I am doing even if I lost track of the goal or benefits.

I feel pretty good even when I struggle, the momentum and the good results are in my backpack and make it easier to not give up.

In 10 days I will go to Thailand, so I don't know how the flight and travel will mess with this routine. As of now, my mindset is to stay awake from 6 am no matter what to not fall back. Even if I start to feel really bad. I will take the pain and do what's necessary to reach my goal.

The most important insight I've gotten so far is that the freedom and sense of accomplishment outweigh the pain and struggle. I feel good, even if I feel bad, in a way. That feels so good. I am starting to take control of my life!

Edited November 13, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 17, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 5-6-7

DAY 5

This day was a bit unusual. I and a girlfriend had planned to do MDMA for the first time together. That discussion does not belong in this journal (it was fucking amazing) but it really fucked with my goal. We took the MDMA at 2 pm so we could be able to sleep normal time. I fell asleep normal time but slept badly.

DAY 6 - Backsliding

Woke up 6 am as planned, but felt extremely tired after the MDMA trip. Went up and ate breakfast at the hotel and it looked like I was about to make it. But around 10:30 am I could not stay awake. Nothing mattered anymore and the only thing I could think about was the bed. So I went to bed and slept for 2-3 hours. I went to bed around 11:30 pm and fell asleep.

DAY 7 (today) - Backsliding

Went up 6 am and was up for 2 hours (painfully). Still felt extremely tired since the MDMA, like my whole body was drained from energy. The same thing happened as day 6 and I went to bed again and slept until 11:30 pm.

NOTES

I hope this backsliding are effects from taking MDMA and that my body needs recovery. I will continue with my goal tomorrow and go up at 6 am, and STAY UP with no exceptions. I won't fall back all the way.

Edited November 17, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

Fredrik Andersson · November 18, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 8

Ok, so I woke up one hour too late today at 7.05 am. But not for the lack of willpower. I had set the alarm to "all days" but that does not seem to include Sunday in Australia, haha. The box "Sunday" is checked in now and hopefully, I don't need to experience any more of Murphy's law.

So far 5 days straight is my record since I started this journey. Followed by 3 days of backsliding. I still have a clear goal in mind, 21 days in a row. That's when I've completed this goal. It will be fun to see how many days it will take to reach 21 days in a row. So far I still feel a lot better than I did before I made this decision. I still feel like I have more purpose when going through hard moments during the day.

The MDMA is out of the system and I am back to normal. I would not recommend doing a trip like that in the middle of a goal to my future self. The circumstance was kind of one of a kind tho. So if I would do it, the time was now, for more than one reason. And I don't regret it even tho it really made my first goal crash somewhat. Since I've had a problem with addiction before I sensed less resistance than usual to jump on benzo or pain medication during the second day after. I even dreamt about doing that the second night after the trip. Luckily, I have a lot of tools to use and know how to handle situations like that. I am glad I tried and now I am back to my drug-free self with no urges to escape reality (or what I believe is the reality as of now). Most people with addiction that I talk to seem to have the belief that you are fucked as soon as you take a drug and that you will fall back into a pit of despair. I definitely know there is a bigger risk to it if you had the problem before. But that does not seem to be the case with me. I feel disgusted by the thought of being trapped by them again.

Well, this is where I am at. Wish me luck.

Fredrik Andersson · November 19, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 9

Another day of backsliding. the 4th in a row. I have been taking Doxylamine some nights to fall asleep in time, the thing is, this medication seems to make me extremely tired the day after when I go up. I feel heavy as hell and my brain takes forever to wake up.

Today I woke up at 6 am and went out of bed, washed my face and ate breakfast. I was up until 7 am and started to wake up a bit in my head. I had a girl sleeping over that was laying under the warm covers which made it really hard to not crawl back to bed when feeling like there was nothing important for me to do this early in the morning. Feeling that heavy and slow in the head from the medication didn't help at all.

I crawled back in the bed to snuggle a bit and fell asleep until 10 am.

NOTES:

I can't take Doxylamine for sleep. It will just come back and bite me in the ass. I will see how I will feel different tomorrow morning without it. It is really time to turn this backsliding phase around. Otherwise, I have just as many backsliding days as successful days. I want to land on the right side of it before I am back to being controlled by comfort.

Fredrik Andersson · November 20, 2018

UPDATE - DAY 10

DAY 1 - SUCCESS

DAY 2 - SUCCESS

DAY 3 - SUCCESS

DAY 4 - SUCCESS

DAY 5 - SUCCESS (MDMA)

~~DAY 6 - BACKSLIDING~~

~~DAY 7 - BACKSLIDING~~

~~DAY 8 - BACKSLIDING~~ (DOXYLAMINE)

~~DAY 9 - BACKSLIDING~~

DAY 10 - SUCCESS

Edited November 20, 2018 by Fredrik Andersson

29 years of never completing a goal

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