Completely lost my way!! Please help :-(

[Seed]

After almost 2 years of solid graft, commitment, growth and focus, I feel like all of a sudden, I am losing my way. I am losing focus and day by day, it's getting worse.  I need to hone in on my plan again but I just can't seem to make it concrete anymore. The more I try, the more slippery everything gets. 

In two years, I have grown so much, I am shocked that the ship is sinking already.

I've created a brand new business in line with life purpose, However, it's not exactly what I want to do, but a stepping stone to get there.  But I am losing passion and focus for it, not much, but a little,

I've meditated every day for 18 months, but not for the last few weeks and can't get myself back into it. I know I need to try harder.

I am struggling with anxiety, ego problems, tiredness, low mood

I've been running for 6 miles, 3 times a week for over a year. Haven't done anything for 10 days. I know that is not that long, but feels massive to me. As running for me is another form of meditation / contemplation. I do it for my mind more than my body. Although I do appreciate that they are all one unit.

I have even tried nootropics that made me worse.

I just feel crap. Is this normal?

Any tips on how to claw my way out of this hole?

I have worked so hard this past 18 months, I am practically unrecognizable. The fears I have faced, I could never even imagined myself doing in the past. But now, they feel like nothing.

Not sure what's up with me.

Thanks in advance... :-) 

Edited November 3, 2018 by Seed

[Xin]

ye its a really tough situation your in.

Id say get back into the flow of things one thing at a time

like first get your meditation habit sorted and go from there

a setback is a setup for a comeback  , good luck

[bejapuskas]

When you mentioned that you meditate... thats the dark side of meditation, Leo has a video on that. I have come through dozens of these periods already. You do your thing, learn, meditate, eat healthy and all of a sudden you want to watch a LoL championship and jerk of every day and meditation feels impossible - its temporary, you will probably come up stronger than ever before, your ego is struggling dude, you are actually doing very well.

[Matt8800]

@Seed The reason we meditate is to train ourselves to be present without the filter of the ego. You cannot be totally present in the moment and still worry and feel bad. 

Live your life in the present moment and focus on love and beauty as your highest values.

[captainamerica]

I recommend you take the Becoming Limitless course by Vishen Lakhiani(Mindvalley) ,it really changed my life completely.

[Leo Gura]

@Seed What would you say is the root cause of this?

Have you been working too hard? Sounds like you might need to slow things down and take more time for yourself, for fun. When doing highly creative work you need some outlets for breaks and diversion to recharge your batteries.

Like take a small vacation every 90 days.

[Salvijus]

Just hit the rock bottom faster and then bounce back up again  

Let go of all the meditation and personal development for 1day. Then allow yourself all the meaningless stuff you desire so much to do. Do all that completly. Get it out of your system. And then you'll see, when you will feel like you spent the most unproductive, meaningless day of your life. Naturally your intelligence will organise itself on a healthy, productive path again. 

The reason you're not getting back now immediatly is because falling always feels fantastic, isn't it?  You tried skipping one early morning meditation and slept a little longer. Oh how good it felt. You allowed yourself a little bit of unhealthy food. Again, so fantastic, like freedom it felt. All this feels absolutely great, but this doesn't last long, sooner or later you're going to hit the ground

Jumping from a sky is so fantastic, but only until you hit the ground  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rebec]

3 hours ago, Seed said:

The more I try, the more slippery everything gets. 

That is resistants to 'what is', 'what you resist, persists...' try releasing methods like Sedona Method (H. Dwoskin) or Letting Go (D. Hawkins).

3 hours ago, Seed said:

I know I need to try harder.

Again resistants. Instead of harder try to be soft (as Leo puts it, be a superconductor), just let all the feelings be there instead of wanting to meditate. This wanting is a form of control. The more you try to control things the harder it will backfire at you.

So what if you don't meditate like you used to do, just sit with your feelings (do what you need Now, not what you think you need to do). So meet your (current) needs!

3 hours ago, Seed said:

Haven't done anything for 10 days. I know that is not that long, but feels massive to me.

Feels like your in a negative vibration. Ask yourself the following question;

What is the payoff your getting from the positionality your stuck in? Which pleasure, gratification and satisfaction do you get out that position? 

Be brutally honest with yourself. Then see if you can change this mindset by releasing (see above for methods) or using 'the Work' (Byron Katie)

3 hours ago, Seed said:

I am struggling with anxiety, ego problems, tiredness, low mood

Again look for the payoff, every behavior has a payoff otherwise you would drop it instantly.

And watch this video from Teal Swan;

There is this quote from Carl Jung; 'Whatever is rejected from the self, appears in the world as an event.'

As the quote said; this doesn't come up for any reason. Honesty, meeting your (current) needs and releasing resistants is the shortcut to get out of the hole.

Wishing you all the best with your journey! ?

[Tetcher]

That's the problem with changing ones life through a conscious choice. One may be able to sustain a life hygiene that seemed impossible shortly before but the fall can be as quick as the rise, it takes just one day where you fail to stick to the routine and boom, all gone as if all this work never took place.

I'm sure that during those 2years you felt like you understood the key of your newly gained strength, that you couldn't fall anymore but as you can see it takes one little impurity (the belief that you're not exactly doing what you want, or other untold) to make you fall exactly where you were 2years before.

If you do a LSD trip it should give you the strength to come back to your life hygiene, then it's up to you not allow yourself a single failure. But the remaining impurities need to be dealt with it this will keep happening. I don't know how to do that you need to figure for yourself.

If you do what others tell you (hit bottom rock, take vacation) there may be no coming back to the life hygiene that you knew, don't allow more time to pass out of it.

 

[Joseph Maynor]

I'm sorry you feel bad.  But realize that you clinging to feeling bad is perpetuating this for you -- it's like falling down a rabbit hole of a self-fulfilling prophesy.  You gotta let those emotions be there but not take them personally or let them drag you down into a vortex of thoughts that all say nasty things to you.  Do something nice for yourself so you have have a positive day and let all this disappointment die today.  You're going to have to figure out how to allow negative emotions in your life without clinging so hard to them.  I have this problem myself too, so don't think I'm telling you something I don't struggle with myself.  Yesterday I was ruminating about something and I just caught myself and told myself to f*cking cut it out. 

And it's like, once you get in that negative emotion/ negative thought spiral, it just grows like a snowball until you notice it and end it.  And you don't end it by trying not to have negative thoughts and emotions, you end it by realizing that those negative thoughts and emotions are not yours and that you don't have to take them personally or make them mean anything about you.  But you gotta allow those negative thoughts and negative emotions to exist in your Experience.  Trying to manipulate reality to get rid of negative thoughts and emotions is pointless and will cause you a lot of suffering and horrible mindfuck scenarios to occur for you.  The mindfuck scenarios occur because you're taking thought and emotions personally and you're gonna feel the hit when you get struck by them.  But like I said, I totally feel you because I've dealt with this same issue my whole life.  

Give yourself a reward -- go do something nice for yourself today.  And resolve to not let thoughts and emotions drag you down.  You've made a lot of progress.  I bought a new computer yesterday that really put a smile on my face even though I had a horrible day yesterday.  But I went to bed happy and woke up happy!  And today all the shit that I was going through yesterday seemed like a distant memory -- although yesterday I was ruminating about everything and really suffering and perpetuating my own suffering.  But see, I was wise enough to realize I need to do something to end that spiral down into rumination-ville.  I knew how to cut myself off from dwelling on it.  But then again, at 40 years old, I've been dealing with this problem acutely for years, and I've gotten a lot better at noticing it when it arises and then cutting it off and making sure I'm not perpetuating it.

Actually pat yourself on the back, I want you to feel that.  I think it's important to do that sometimes.  And when you pat yourself on the back, I want you to say to yourself that you're proud of yourself.  You're proud of the fact that you've noticed this problem and that now you're gonna take steps to nip it in the bud.  You're proud of yourself for cutting this off while the problem is small rather than letting it grow into a big problem.  You're proud of yourself by seeking feedback on here rather than being too chickenshit to even ask.  You're proud of yourself for being honest with your suffering and expressing that to people that can help you.  That shows a lot of personal development progress in and of itself.  You noticed a problem and took action to solve it.

Edited November 4, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[Seed]

Thank you all the advice everyone. Just writing it all out was a massive relief in itself and remembering that I am not alone. The support of everyone in this group, never fails to amaze me. 

I've taken everyone's points on board. And managed to meditate today, just a baby step. But one in the right direction at least.

I will watch that Teal Swan video, as she always resonates with me, I love her approach and actually went to one her workshop's last week, here in the UK. I hope to train with her next year as a Completion Process Practitioner. 

20 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Seed What would you say is the root cause of this?

Have you been working too hard? Sounds like you might need to slow things down and take more time for yourself, for fun. When doing highly creative work you need some outlets for breaks and diversion to recharge your batteries.

Like take a small vacation every 90 days.

I would say the root cause is so many different things, but working too hard is definitely one of them. 

I have a 4 year old daughter as well, so naturally there is always an internal battle between being mummy, trying to fulfill my LP, as well as personal and spiritual development practices. An inner war that goes on in most modern women, but particularly myself as I  have insatiable appetite to learn and grow, but I have to limit and divide myself into all these different areas, and then I get exhausted and agitated that I am not able to give enough. 

My partner is taking me away glamping for 4 nights so I am hoping that is what I need. I will still work there, as that for me is my satisfaction. But at least I will be able to commit myself to those days without the daily struggle of everything else. I can start running and meditating again there as well. And of course, have lots of fun! We might even have some shrooms too, if we can get them in time.

I think I will be okay, I am feeling MUCH better today and I have learnt not to overdo it for a while. Not until I am feeling  balanced again. 

Thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx