My Ego Wants To Die

[Dodo]

Hi actualizers, I have a question for you. So I've been quite suicidal recently and I couldn't stand being "myself". That means that my Ego is so hurt/bleeding by my life story that it decided it wants to die. My Ego actually desires for me to become enlightened (for it to commit suicide if you wish) - that's why I am drawn to spiritual a lot and am practicing meditation and all through the day I am observing the machine we call body and mind.

My question is, if my Ego desires it's own death, does this help the process of enlightenment or does it make the Ego somehow stronger, because it is getting what it "wants"?

PS: I am not dead, because bottom line is I like breathing and being in the body too much (I'm addicted actually).

Edited April 4, 2016 by Dodoster

[Amir]

I am not quite sure, but make sure to go see a therapist

[Joyboy]

I don't know it does help or not but it doesn't matter. The problem is 'ego' always wants something and enlightment is giving everything up. So if you think your ego desires to die, let it be but do you believe your ego is the real 'you'? Dodoster gonna die and 'you' will survive

Edited April 4, 2016 by 7oo13ad

[StephenK]

In the beginning of spiritual development and self improvement, the ego is still largely running the show. The quest for enlightenment is much like giving up smoking: in order to overcome a desire for nicotine, one must desire to be without nicotine. As such, we need to desire in order to relinquish desire -- kind of a paradox. The human being is always desiring something: acceptance, love, revenge, suicide etc. Even depression is a desire of sorts: it's like a heavy gravitational well, tearing apart positive emotions, perpetuating its own existence with excuses and rationalizations as to why it must remain. 

In Buddhism the desire for spiritual growth is considered a good thing, and something to be cultivated. As for your suicidal ideation though, that is an unhealthy form of desire and must certainly be let go of. If you are able to see a psychologist or psychiatrist, please do so. Mental health needs a holistic approach and only focusing on 'Enlightenment' can be very damaging in the long run if you haven't got your fundamentals in order. Your desire for spiritual liberation is good though -- hold on to that flame and cultivate it.  

[Dodo]

Unfortunately being unsuccessful money-wise is part of the reason of my situation, so I can't see a psychiatrist/psychologist. I do read psychology books however and spiritual ones. I wouldn't consider myself mentally ill (probably no-one does, but still), the reason I was ready to end my life was that I didn't believe I have the energy to keep "fighting" and also had the realization that life is infinite a couple of days before  - I can't really explain it, but I had these "memories" that after I've died before (previous lives?) I suddenly am in the most beautiful place one can imagine and that my whole "life" was an illusion / hell. I was ready to see if I was right. Also my suicidal attempts were triggered by the loss of a lot of money, so I wouldn't worry about me going to be doing anything like that in my life again, especially after I've started to dig deep into my emotional states with meditation and with the ability to stop thinking.

[StephenK]

@Dodoster It's good to hear that you have had these important insights. It's unfortunate that you can't afford to go to a psychologist at the moment -- do you have any family and friends to talk to? I think that a lot of people drawn to spirituality have traumatic or unpleasant pasts (myself included). I can only offer advice based on my personal experiences though. I don't know your personal story, so I can't really offer more suggestions than: keep the fire for spiritual growth burning inside of you; stay optimistic; learn to love every moment you have. 

[Leo Gura]

There's what's called a lower death drive and an upper death drive.

The lower death drive is when the ego hates itself so much it wants to put itself out of its suffering through suicide. (Not so good)

The upper death drive is when the ego is wise enough to realize that it's an illusion, and wants to end it's suffering through surrender to truth. (Very good).

[Ben]

You're better of questioning who is this "you" who wants to die? What would actually die if you died? Is there something there when you think "I want to die?" Be specific. Find out who it is you're referring to. It's not there, you're playing a trick on yourself.