Ego Getting Thirsty

[JevinR]

 

 

 

Sexual transmutation is probably the easiest way to get what you want, when you want. After all, what is more powerful than life force? After I tried sexual trans mutating negative thoughts away, it worked. Now the ego rapaciously thirsts and desires more and more, meticulously planning ways that it can gain as much life force to trans-mutate whatever it desires and is willing to do anything to get what it wants. I'm thinking this is why Kundalini is bad/not right for me, because once you have that life force, the world bends to your will. I'm having a deep inner conflict as to what I should be doing, maybe just doing leo's meditation method of avoiding thought stories? I can literally feel myself turning into an animal, gritting my teeth with other cannibalistic behaviour, like stabbing my food, and envisioning broccoli as a tree, as a slowly "cut it down" with my fork, slicing away at it's innards. At first I thought it was some kind of testosterone  spike, but higher T-levels won't make you think like some sort of deranged monster, even thoughts of envisioning my food as some sort of animated character, then preceding to stab it as the mind makes "imaginary" screams/shouts/pleads of pain and then beginning to greedly laugh as the poor character is butchered , seriously wtf, where does this crap even come from.  You could self-actualize with this, but the ego will most likely just jump in their and eat away as it realizes what is possible. What do I do? This little parasite is trying to gain control again after all this work...arrrghhh, the initial plan was to do this to improve humanity and use this life force for good. God damn it now I'm falling backwards.

Edited April 4, 2016 by JevinR