Does success really take this much time, or am I generally lazy/unsuccessful?

[Aquarius]

I usually don't post things of this sort. Actually I'm posting this question because someone gave me a really harsh feedback on my success in life.

What I usually do nowadays is that I'm reading a ton of books on all sorts of topics (at least 2-3 hours a day), researching how-to articles from the web, I'm even taking an online course in web-design, listening to affirmations and subliminals, creating and selling art printables, developing my general skills in life, currently learning to write an ebook and to open and etsy store, and healing harsh emotional wounds. 

Now I know this won't give immediate results! Although.. some of them do I guess. And I know this because I signed up for a free counseling website where they offer an emotional wellness test, and the results (and my own perspective on it) show that since last year my depression and anxiety levels decreased by at least 40-50% (from 79% to 33% or something like that). So I take this as the proof that education on and awareness of certain problems, and the mere intention of solving it, i.e. self-care etc. really do improve things! 

So I think, from a subjective view on myself and my life, I did a lot of progress lately. I'm more care-free, social, outspoken, more attractive and desired, actually enjoying sex and not only because I "have to", spiritually healthy, more successful in art, more experienced and knowledgeable about the world we live in and our work system, and I'm moving to my next stage in the Graves model (from Blue to Orange/Green). Yes, these are small changes, I don't say that I'm the perfect person or that I improved like crazy, but I would say that I improved about 100-200%, generally speaking, and since I was a very low place in my life around a year ago, this is almost as if expected of me, normal, and nothing unusual, but still, a lot of progress.

And today I was talking to my friend about business, money, my career, how things work in the art industry nowadays, work-at-home options available in Europe, etc. I also mentioned it to him that I was searching for a few days now for some ways to make money online, some small amounts for now, and how I don't seem to have success because I never have what it takes to get a job. I've spoken to him about how you're supposed to apply for 100-200 jobs until you get about 1 option that will work out for you, and I talked about the new books I'm reading on passive income, and I went so far to share some lessons I've learned from the books.

It surprised me that he started laughing uncontrollably and remarked how I seem to read " hundreads of books on every minor sh!# that is happening in your life, yet you fail at everything and never have any success!"

Wow. I didn't know if I should have laughed with him or cry and leave immediately. The moment was so ironic. Somehow he was right, yet it felt so wrong. It felt terrible. I can't decide if this was a valuable piece of feedback that I should use to improve further, to learn about the REAL reality, or just something that is plain wrong and ignorant. 

What are your thoughts on my friend's comment? How should I interpret his words? Any tips on getting actual results that SHOW, that are visible and not just subtle and subjective/personal? Why is earning money and being a respected person so hard for me? Am I lazy or doing the wrong things in life?

[Shin]

Does this friend usually give good advice ?

When he give advices, is he always critizising you, or is he being supportive (negative or positive energy) ?

[NoSelfSelf]

Sucess is a personal thing you define it yourself you seem that you think you are sucessful,you see your progress thats the most important thing,your friend thinks that sucess happens over night no its a continuos work where you fail more than you succede that has to be that way ,how then will you learn whats good or what bad to do...but only trap you could fall like we all fall into  is having all this information and dont work on it....

[Aquarius]

22 minutes ago, Shin said:

Does this friend usually give good advice ?

When he give advices, is he always critizising you, or is he being supportive (negative or positive energy) ?

Well... honestly, no. He is always ironic with me. I feel like he is really smart, but he is also unsuccessful. He has more success in dating than I do and always gets laid (sometimes with me as well). I used to date him too. He's really cool. Realistic, cool-headed, but very ..."cold"(?). He is never supportive however, only pointing out mistakes and possible negative outcomes. 

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, Aquarius said:

Well... honestly, no. He is always ironic with me. I feel like he is really smart, but he is also unsuccessful. He has more success in dating than I do and always gets laid (sometimes with me as well). I used to date him too. He's really cool. Realistic, cool-headed, but very ..."cold"(?).
He is never supportive however, only pointing out mistakes and possible negative outcomes. 

Then cut contact with him, he's not your friend.

[Aquarius]

@Shin It's a bit hard thing to do, and tricky.. he's the only friend I have right now since my other friends moved to different countries or cities. Plus I love this friend really deeply. I honestly don't know what to do. He is always there for me, LOW-KEY, but he is not generally supportive. Sometimes he says nice things, he did say one time how fast I improve my life, "you grow with a speed almost equal with the speed of light", that's what he said once, but it is worth mentioning that it was a period when I didn't talk to him at all, so I didn't have negativity to hold me back and I could shine finally... so.......  And he is rarely complimenting me, whereas I compliment him like 5 times every day, that's how much I respect him.

I don't know what to do because I really love him, not necessarily romantically, but on a deep unconditional level. It just really gets on my nerves that he keeps laughing at me and being so negative.

@NoSelfSelf True, thank you! I needed to be reminded of this.  I always put work related things in practice, but it's really hard for me in the dating world. Online everyone seems attracted to me, but in reality I repel people.  Not that I ever tried to approach them...lol. I'm still improving this. My negative friend actually gave me very useful advice on dating (he is super successful in dating), and this is something that I'm going to try out.  He is the kind of person who cannot process "mechanical" approaches, everything comes naturally to him, he is very intuitive, thus he can't give advice because things just flow with him. 

[NoSelfSelf]

@Aquarius does he has relationship that you admire and want to have?Well do you have information how dating life works so you can improve?

[bejapuskas]

@Aquarius  Maybe he is actually right, try to be 100% honest with yourself - if you saw yourself in a classroom of 50 people and you wanted to choose the 1 person, that you would be willing to rely on - would you point at yourself inside the large group of others? Be freaking honest, if you are only gonna read and never actually apply what you read, thats just mental masturbation!

I dont know where you are in life, whats your career, health, relationships and mind like, but... There is ALWAYS room for improvement. Even if you consider yourself a stage or two higher than your friend, you still probably have something to learn from him, be open to that possibility. Observe yourself, do you actually act according to the good books that you read? Can you spot the shitty ones? Do you execute on your plans?

[Shin]

The number 1 reason why people don't grow is because they let negative people to stay in their lives ...

 

[Aquarius]

@NoSelfSelf He's jumping from one relationship to another. Mostly with needy girls. But hey, he still has more success than me in dating! I only had sex with him so far in my life! Oh wait, I think I was a needy girl oops..  

Jokes aside, I just simply admire how he dominates every conversation and everyone admires him and loves him and says that he is cool and nice and lovely. I talk with his friends in this online group sometimes and when he is not around they keep commenting on how amazing he is. When I told them I'm not dating him anymore they made it seem like I was a bad person and that it was all my fault.  That's how powerful his charisma is!

@bejapuskas Where am I? Well I'm 20, I live with my family, and I'm working on my career as a digital artist. I don't have a job right now, except when I get commissioned by someone to make a custom art piece. I don't consider myself higher than my friend, we are at the EXACT same level, that's why his comment hit me so hard. I never said I don't have anything to learn from my friend. I know he can teach me a lot. Except he won't because for him it just flows naturally and he never contemplates on things. Things just happen for him, good or bad, he makes it work. If I were a third person and I'd have to choose between him or me, I'd probably choose him, even if he doesn't really hang out or he is nasty sometimes. I don't like saying bad things about him though, because sometimes I feel like I owe my life to him. He made me evolve, and now that I'm on his level, or close to his at least, I have to work on growing higher than him, because he can't provide much value in my success in life. He does provide value, but not in success. That's why I'm keeping him as friend, I love him enormously, but I probably won't ask advice ever again from him because he just brings me down and I lose motivation. And your 50 people question, pff, I'd just avoid me as far as possible. That's the harsh truth. Even in my original post I mentioned that I didn't grow to the top, but I'm twice as effective as last year. That doesn't mean anything, because I also mentioned I was at a low place, so it was expected of me to grow further.

[bejapuskas]

@Aquarius Well, I am 15 years old, doing high school and stuff, but I am doing best... I didnt particularly want you to give me a detailed view into your personal life... I wanted to you to observe yourself, ask yourself, if you want to live like this or if you are just full of lies...  I dont know you and your friend, I didnt say that you dont know, that you can learn, I just wanted you to contemplate  

Edited October 31, 2018 by bejapuskas

[Elisabeth]

1 hour ago, Aquarius said:

It surprised me that he started laughing uncontrollably and remarked how I seem to read " hundreads of books on every minor sh!# that is happening in your life, yet you fail at everything and never have any success!"

I'd take it as his stance on books Obviously, he doesn't read "hudreds of books on every minor shit". So either he has better ways to learn - like some practical or big picture thinking which could inspire you - or he just can't imagine putting in that level of effort himself, so he has to ridicule it.

Observe your reaction. It's telling you what is important to you, and what you want to have acknowledged from others too.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Aquarius That explains everything hes a player hes spotaniously indiffrent and tease joke about everything you say keeping it not serious(hes avoiding serious subjects i assume) hes having fun not looking for anything serious....so you dont take him seriously either..im curious hows he dominating conversation and make it seem good cuz you can do that if you are self centred keep talking only about yourself....

[Aquarius]

@bejapuskas Yeah, uhm.. sry for oversharing ^^" 

Actually your way of thinking really opened my mind and I'm thankful that you asked all those questions. Maybe I shouldn't have shared all of these things, but maybe I also wanted other readers to get a sense of who they're talking to. And maybe if I improve and look back at this post to remember where I came from.  I'm not ashamed of who I am. I actually completely accept myself and don't really care what others think. Of course, I want to improve, but only for myself. I don't really let anyone dictate who I should be, I just accept advice that seems helpful for me, through my lens. That's why I didn't accept Shin's advice on getting rid of my negative friend. He might be negative, but he is right. If I was successful he wouldn't say a thing. I know him well enough and my friend's negative comments don't stop me because I know where his words are coming from. But thanks anyway @Shin ! I'm certainly avoiding other negative people like my family for example.

@Elisabeth Big picture thinking and practicality. But he doesn't put much effort in things either. He just goes with the flow, easy going guy.

@NoSelfSelf Yeah he doesn't like serious talk at all.  He doesn't talk about himself, he's very humorous and just says spontaneous jokes and makes everyone laugh.  

[Elysian]

Even if there is some truth to what he is saying about you needing to cut back on books I would still remove him from your life immediately. Shin was spot on. Never supportive and only puts you down? Occasional tough love when needed is only tough love if the person actually loves you, and it being the only way he treats you to me sounds like an extremely negative person who will only bring you down. 

It's much better to spend time by yourself until you find new friends than to let someone spoonfeed you poison just because people like him or you don't want to feel lonely. People can like a sociopath, it doesn't mean you should admire them. A real friend will try to lift you up, encourage your effort, be more gentlehanded with criticism until a harsh reality check is actually needed. 

Reflect on the amount of books you're reading vs what you're actually applying. If you're not applying what you've learned, don't read anymore until you apply at least a few of the most important books/skills you've learned about. Apply them fully. You'd be amazed at how much applying one major change to your life can have an effect on your overall well-being.

 

Edited November 2, 2018 by Elysian
Grammar

[dude]

On 31-10-2018 at 9:34 PM, Aquarius said:

Things just happen for him, good or bad, he makes it work

This is so funny, I have the same thing with my friends. I'll just have to trust that when I'm 40 and chilling and their still finding the shit out I'm already learning right now lol.

Sounds like the guy gets his esteem from putting other people down or playing it cool plus you're putting the halo effect on him. Realize it's just a mask he puts on. I act the same way towards a lot of girls because it works to some extent but it's not really authentic and that's a problem in the long term.

Also about that time thing, keep this up and you will be at the top of your field, what I always tell myself: "You are fine with a education in computer science of 4 years but you want to be able to switch to your life purpose within a couple of months? This is gonna take some time and it wont be as socially acceptable as a nice collage degree, but this is what you have to do."

Edited November 5, 2018 by dude
Quote

[Harikrishnan]

 

Time to make new friends. 

[ajasatya]

@Aquarius i don't think you or your friend know what success is and how it happens.

1. success is achieving something you work for
2. success comes after several (countless) failures

stop listening to feedbacks about success from unsuccessful people. your "friend" is just being hypocrite.

[Aquarius]

@Elysian @dude @Harikrishnan @ajasatya

Thank you guys, I read everything you wrote, I will follow the advice.

[jjer94]

On 10/31/2018 at 2:06 PM, Aquarius said:

What are your thoughts on my friend's comment? How should I interpret his words? Any tips on getting actual results that SHOW, that are visible and not just subtle and subjective/personal? Why is earning money and being a respected person so hard for me? Am I lazy or doing the wrong things in life?

Notice how you're looking for outer solutions to an inward issue. You're asking us how to change for your sort-of-unsupportive friend so that you won't have to feel the unpleasant feelings that came up in that moment your friend insulted you. 

In this case, it's a feeling of shame - otherwise, you wouldn't be comparing yourself with others, looking for results that "show," telling your friend what he's "supposed to do," trying to become a "respected person," wondering if you're lazy, or thinking that you're somehow doing the "wrong" things.

Life is hell when you feel ashamed of yourself. It's a constant game of efforting, of comparison, of never being good enough for your own standards, and perhaps of feeling suicidal. Life just feels so damn rigid, and all the mantras and self-help exercises in the world don't seem to help.

What will help is to cut yourself some slack. You're 20. Slow down; this ain't a race unless your mind makes it one. You're at a prime age to start working through all of this emotional stuff, and you're blessed to have found the field of self-mastery/self-healing when you did. Most people find it halfway through raising a family, stuck in a dead-end job they hate - and that's when things can get messy. But you have no circumstantial ties like that.

What will help is to feel your feelings as they arise - no matter how uncomfortable they are. Reality is your mirror. Every outside trigger is a gift in disguise that encourages awareness and shows you what you need to release within yourself in order to expand your consciousness. 

Be gentle with yourself, and enjoy the challenging journey. Your determination will serve you well. Blessings sent your way <3